Sometimes you just have to make hard choices and I have made one this week.  I am going to sell my favorite gag.  It is fucking awesome and brand new.  It is a normal gag but for the fact that it can be accessorised with things like a toilet brush, ashtray, dish brush, drink tray etc.  I have several of the accessories with it but I need the money to pay a bill and then put the rest towards getting a good used smart phone.  -sad face-  I am going to try and sell it for $280 which considering I paid US$365 is fairly reasonable.

After that I will sort the rest of my gear out and sell some other stuff, it really is time to let it go.

I will miss the gag though, even though I was never lucky enough to use it lol

It is 3:38am and I have been up for an hour.  Insomnia sucks the big one.

I had a week away recently and stayed with a friend at the beach.  It was bliss!  I turned my phone on twice daily to deal with any teen issues that may have arisen but other than that was completely incommunicado.  Every day was filled with beach or bush walks, kayaking, etc.  I came home feeling like a new person.  

This weekend my son is having a party and once that is over I am going away again as my friend needs help driving to some medical appointments in nearby towns as he is no longer capable of doing so himself.  Once that is over I will spend a couple more days relaxing before returning to the city.  Not that where I live could ever be considered the city.

I am beginning to put things in place for my son moving out come the end of the year/beginning of next year.  I have begun collecting items he will need for flatting and we are about to have the big talk about what he wants to do with this life and the best way to achieve those goals.  Living with me will not be an option.

I have devoted my life to my kids for 19 years now, a lot of it as a single parent and now it is time to reclaim my life.  I cannot wait!

I have so much to write about.  The hot gossip about tmnd which is how I fondly refer to the landlord's boarder (tmnd = the murderer next door) has gone and breached his parole rules and is on tenterhooks waiting to find out if he will be reported.

All this and more to come when I somehow get a phone that I can hook up to my laptop and get online with without going insane.  the phone i am using at the moment simply does not cut it and i spend more time staring at screens that say  'not connected to the internet' or 'internet not found' while all the time i can see my telecom data allowance ticking over telling me i -am- connected.  

enough with the frustration i am just going to stay offline bar for very brief and irregular visits on days when the moon and stars are aligned in such a way that my pos not so dumb phone is guaranteed to give me 15 minutes plus of net time.

never fear i will be back and will fill in the blanks as to what is going on in my life!

It is another beautiful day in the land of sunshine and sheep.

There is a little power stored in our batteries and the sun is busy morphing into electricity so I thought I would rear my ugly head and write again.

I find I actually enjoy this life off the grid thing (apart from the equipment failures that keep me from having a steady electricity supply).  Gone are all the modern day gadgets up to and including the electric kettle, toaster, microwave, etc.  It is fun and challenging to find ways to cope with the lack of gadgetry and I enjoy it for the most part.  

Going back to basics certainly has its advantages as some of the local pensioners can attest given that I am keeping a few of them supplied with homemade pickles, sauces, chutneys, etc.   Today I am trying to convince myself to tackle the 6kg of pickling onions that are screaming out to be peeled and pickled.  Tough decision; onions or basking in the sun beneath the olive trees.  I think somehow the sun and olive trees may win today (again).

I told my son yesterday that come the end of the year it will be time for him to move out and I will -finally- get my life back.  No more running around after snot nosed teenagers!  Last week he got a little lippy on it while we were out and told me very loudly and publicly to "fuck off" so I did.  I told him to watch and see how well I had learned to fuck off and put the car into gear and left him behind, facing a 1-2 hour walk home.  It felt great and boy was he polite and respectful for the rest of the day.  It won't last though it never does and so come the end of the school year he is moving out whether he wants to or not.  I am done putting up with an adolescent that thinks he rules the roost.

Anyway that is me done for today, you know what they say about making hay while the sun shines, well here it is all about getting the washing done or vacuuming while the power is on!

Life off the grid is not as idyllic as I foolishly thought.  I have learned the following over the past few weeks.

Do not believe the landlord's assertion that he will get the water wheel up and running this week.  this week is like tomorrow, it never seems to come here.  The water wheel is still sitting on the grass not generating a single watt of electricity.

Do learn to be grateful for the small things - like two hours of electricity in a single day.

Do not ever believe that 6 solar panels will power three houses.

Do not be surprised when you get stung for half the diesel used for the generator even if the landlord is the only one allowed to use it, or if he runs it for three hours solid so he can send one email.

Do not be surprised to learn that using a dead person's phone can be awkward when you get calls for said dead person.

Do find the humour in the situation when you butt dial the dead person's sister (your loathed ex sister in law) and imagine her reaction when she sees the caller id.

Do not believe you will find a reasonably priced smart phone capable of creating a wifi hotspot on trademe.  Instead try and adapt to the feelings of frustration when trying to get the dead person's 'not so dumb' phone online.  (anyone in nz selling a 2nd hand decent smart phone at a reasonable price let me know - must work on Telecom as that is the only signal we get here).

Do learn to hold the not so dumb phone in your mouth (if like mine it has a torch) so you can use the light from the phone to make your kid's school lunch, make your early morning coffee, etc.  Two hands are always better than one.

Do not think that you can make your wake up coffee without the torch from the not so dumb phone, it is easy to flood the bench and fill the cutlery drawer whilst operating under this common misconception

Do learn to run around like a headless chook the moment you hear the landlord turn the generator on as this is the only time you are allowed to wash clothes, vacuum, cook toast, etc.  Hell go for broke and plug in every appliance you own and raise your fist in triumph at getting one over on the landlord.   The experience is on par with an orgasm!

Do believe the landlord when he tells  you the man next door has just been released after serving 15 years for murder.  Just remember when the landlord says 'next door' he is referring to his house which is less than 10ft away from your house.  Also get used to weekly visits to the property from parole officers.  (I should not tease, he is actually a lovely guy and accepts responsibility for what he did and I do what I can to help him reintegrate with society and learn to adapt - the ex con that is not the landlord).

Honestly though life is not as bad as I am making out, I have the hot water under control now and if the landlord would only do something about the electricity it would be all good.  It is a major bone of contention, it would be nice to watch tv one evening or read without holding a torch.

I do really miss the internet though, but power here is to erratic to warrant the cost of having broadband.  The not so dumb phone does go online but seems to heartily dislike any site that requires java and/or a login.

After a couple of false starts I found a fantastic place for my son and I to live short/medium term (it was put on the market 2 weeks after we moved in). We are on 40 acres just outside of kaukapakapa and live off the grid.  It is idyllic but for a few issues with unreliable electricity, water and hot water, more than a few if I am honest.  My fridge is off for more than 12 hours each day because there are not enough solar panels and the generator is not operating as it should.  As for hot water I just managed my first shower of the week and to say it was tepid was being polite.  

The owner has a huge vegetable garden that I have full access to as well as olive and other assorted fruit trees.  To fill my days I have gone back to pickling and preserving.  So far I have made plum sauce, tomato sauce, tomato relish, Worcestershire sauce and this week am doing pickled onions and piccalilli.   I have a gas stove but unfortunately the oven is electric so he does not like it being use.  All good though I can now successfully do a roast complete with crispy vegetables, homemade gravy and yorkshire puddings on the bbq.  Last week I managed meatloaf on the stove top and my next experiment is going to be trying to bake either a cake or some cookies on the bbq.  I give most of my bottling away as my kids do not eat it and there is too much for me.  I try to give some to any elderly locals I meet in the hopes they get some pleasure from it.  I met an 86 year old yesterday and offered him some tomato relish and he was thrilled, he had not had anything home made like that since his wife had died 20 years ago.

I have started walking daily which I love, there is a wharf nearby and I go most mornings, I asked my landlord yesterday about taking his dog with me which he says is fine.  It will be challenging in the beginning as Tough (the dog) is not that used to being on a leash...  perhaps he should take lessons from some of the many dominants around!

I got really bad news about my father's health yesterday but am still trying to process it, so far 2014 is not going as well as I had hoped but there is still lots of time left before the end of the year!

I could not get cell signal at the new place so am borrowing a dead person's 027 phone which works perfectly.  Getting calls for a dead woman can be slightly awkward though!  We have no internet and I do not think I will be able to get it.  Unless I pay the last 2 months bill within the next week we lose our account and the waiting list to get broadband is 12 months so it is not even worth applying given that the property we live on is up for sale.  Had I been able to pay the account it would have been sweet but I am okay which just going online once a month or so.  I can go online on the phone I am using but as it is not a smart phone I am really limited as to what I can do.  Collarme is not an option unless like today I pay $3 at a cafe in Helensville.

I have now taken my search for an affordable rental home or place to park a caravan for a couple of months to social media sites.  We have a couple of Facebook pages up here for buying/selling or giving things away and I have posted on them.

With only two weeks left to find somewhere to live I am ready to try anything and everything.  I am trying to convince myself that everything is okay and that I am not stressed out but I am beginning to crumble a little at the edges.  I know I will get this sorted out, it is just the time frame is so incredibly tight.   Actually I am not prepared to try everything, a couple of people on CM have basically suggested I whore myself out in exchange for a place to live.  That is most definitely not happening, I would live on the streets before doing that.  Not for myself so much as for my children, what kind of role model would I be for them if I were to even consider doing something like that.

I could keep on writing today, there is so much on my mind but I have to get on with packing and house hunting instead

How sweet, I just logged into Facebook and saw I had an invitation.  When I opened it up one of my son's 18 year old friends is having a party this weekend and had invited me.  My kids friends are awesome, that is not to say they don't get into trouble, but at heart they are all pretty good kids.

I think my son would want to kill me if I accepted the invitation though.  Although in all honesty were it an adult party he would be the one cramping my style rather than the other way around.  You should hear the lectures he tries to give me about safety, etc if I go out with someone.  -chuckles-  He needs to realize I am an adult and can look after myself, for the most part anyway.  I just try to avoid situations that I think could turn tricky.  It does not always work but it has never turned nasty on me and I  place a great deal of faith in people.  Too much probably.

Still nowhere to live and we have to be out of here on the 9th.  I am pretty much out of ideas.  The only thing left to try is to go on to some of the local Facebook groups and ask on them if anyone either has rooms we can rent or somewhere we can park a caravan.  My son is dreading the caravan thing, as am I.  An 18 year old boy and his mother sharing a space that small is going to cause conflict at times.  Add to that the loss of tv and internet and his temper will be sorely tested.  Oh how I wish I had not given my smart phone to the kid's cousin, but he needed it more than me at the time.'

Christ it seems I cannot win for losing.  Along with everything else my camera has now died.  I sorted out some toys to sell the other day to get some cash towards food/moving/whatever and now cannot take pictures of them.

Along with that I find myself in a really odd situation.  The kids paternal aunt died at the beginning of  December.  Monday we called in to see her partner of 25 years.  I have never had a problem with him but according to the kids both he and the aunt hated me.  Long long story and one I won't go into here.  Anyway we are visiting and my son disappears for a few minutes, he promptly starts discussing how my tits have all but disappeared since my weight loss.  I am not even slightly prudish but somehow this just felt completely inappropriate and creepy.  Last night out of the blue he phones up and asks me to go around for dinner and drinks one night, he was  -very- insistent that it just be me without the kids.  I get the feeling he is going to try something sexual which I definitely do not want.  The problem though is that I really struggle to say no to men, I do not want to cancel the dinner for fear of pissing him off as the kids both have a lot of time for him.  He is just plain creepy, a couple of months back my daughter lived with him and her auntie.  When she was in the hospice he told my daughter she had perfect breasts, completely wrong for a 67 year old man to say something like that to a 17 year old girl.

Ugh I am likely just being silly and maybe I am just worried about this because I am stressed about the housing (or should that be lack of housing) issue.

I am a big girl I should be able to deal with this!

Well the friend who said I could park a caravan on his property seems to be becoming increasingly elusive and rather than continuing to feel like a stalker continually making uninvited contact I have given up.  We now have 20 days until we have to move and are back to having nowhere to go.

-chuckles-  One day shit is going to work out for me, I swear it.

It is back to the drawing board time as far as finding somewhere to live.  I am feeling okay though, my stress level is okay so far and wont really go through the rough until/if we get to within a week of moving and still have nowhere.

One of the charities gave us $100 for food this week which was wonderful and once I am on my feet again I intend to pay this back so someone else can be helped.  That takes care of our food needs for another week, petrol is the big worry now.  I need to find some way to get gas for my car so I can go look at rental properties and visit people who may be able to let us park up a caravan on their property.

Yesterday while I was packing I started to sort out my toys.  I am going to have to sell some so we can get through the next few weeks.  Some are extra's that I bought when I lived in the States, others are things that I bought for myself and it is going to break my heart to sell those ones, but needs must.

Life's a bitch and then you die as the saying goes.

I can console myself with the thought that the special ones have never been used yet and it is pointless holding on to them.  It does not really help but I am sure given time I can convince myself.

I think I am still in a state of shock about what is happening which is making it really hard to get motivated and do everything that needs to be done.  I have to just snap out of it and get going.  Today I am going to get at least half of my bedroom done, it is probably the room that is going to take the longest so finishing it should give me a boost.

God I hate packing and moving.  I am going to get rid of heaps of shit this time, including things like my dining room suite, I am sick of hauling stuff from house to house.

Isn't it odd the stupid things that set you off.  With everything going on about not having a home, no money for food, etc, etc I finally broke down and cried when my cordless mouse died yesterday.  lol  What a freaking joke.

I guess it was just the straw that broke the camels back for me.  I play sudoku online when I need to just blob and stop thinking about things and being that it is a timed game it is much better played with a mouse... and now I can't.

-chuckles-  I should be crying about losing my home in three weeks not a damn computer mouse.  I guess it is just one more thing that I have to do without and that caused my eyes to leak a little!

Okay I am officially worried now.  I have 3 weeks left to find a home for my son and I.  I have tried the emergency housing organisations with no luck.  Now it seems that stress may be making me sleep walk which I have never (to my knowledge) done in my life.

I woke up this morning and on getting out of bed noticed the living room lights were on, which in itself was no biggie I just thought I had forgotten to turn them off.  Unfortunately that was not the case.  It seems I was online on my laptop, watched some tv programs I had recorded and also ate an entire packet of cookies that I had bought as a treat for my son.   I do remember being really ill through the night and wondering what had made me sick, now I know.  A packet of biscuits after having had weight loss surgery is not a happening thing.

It worries me that I have done something like this, what could I do if it happens again?

Bah I just need to finish my coffee and get on with packing everything up.

I have just contacted a couple of agencies that offer emergency housing and hope to hear from them today.  I am not holding out much hope though as rentals are so expensive here in Auckland that I am sure there will be no spaces at these organisations.  I have to try though.

I have also been looking at rental caravans which is an option but for the fact that I am not sure that I could find anywhere to park one up and being school holidays all the actual caravan parks are full.

It never rains but it pours, or it my case it fucking floods.

I am at my wits end as there is absolutely no way I can afford a rental house on what I will now be getting paid and I am not going to magically find a job as much as I might wish for that to happen.

Here I was hoping that 2014 would be a whole lot better than 2013.  It is not off to a good start.

I got a letter from WINZ over the weekend informing me that my benefit has been cut.  They have cut the allowance for my son from it completely because he turned 18 last year, it does not matter that he is going back to school this year.  Actually that should be -was- going back to school, their solution is for him to leave school and go on unemployment.  So much for him getting his qualifications.

This week after I pay my rent I will have $50 left to pay for power, phone, gas, food, etc, etc.  Then from next week onward I will not even have enough to pay rent let alone anything else.  -chuckles-  I will be giving my notice to the landlord tomorrow which means I will have to move in 3 weeks.  No idea where we will go as I am not even going to have gas money which means I cannot go and look at houses.

Way to go work and income!

Getting a night with no kids is a rare treat, but today I have the entire day to myself.  My son and his mates have gone to hang at the beach and god knows what time he will get home.

I am just going to have a lazy day, watch some tv, catch up on some chores, etc.  Not interesting to other I know but it is just so pleasurable to have the house to myself.  Roll on the time when my son moves out.  It surely cannot be much longer.

Haha I am watching Amish Mafia and just saw an Amish guy on magic mushrooms.  Talk about epic!

I applied for a job the other day but unfortunately did not get it.  There is another local one that I am going to try for, I want to work again so badly.  I have done my time of being at home each and every day.  Hopefully it won't take me too long, although out here jobs are far and few between.

Getting a night with no kids is a rare treat, but today I have the entire day to myself.  My son and his mates have gone to hang at the beach and god knows what time he will get home.

I am just going to have a lazy day, watch some tv, catch up on some chores, etc.  Not interesting to other I know but it is just so pleasurable to have the house to myself.  Roll on the time when my son moves out.  It surely cannot be much longer.

Haha I am watching Amish Mafia and just saw an Amish guy on magic mushrooms.  Talk about epic!

I applied for a job the other day but unfortunately did not get it.  There is another local one that I am going to try for, I want to work again so badly.  I have done my time of being at home each and every day.  Hopefully it won't take me too long, although out here jobs are far and few between.

I got the best compliment ever last night.  I was dropping my son off at his friend's house for a party.  The 19 year old host invited me to stay and party with them and turned to his mate and said "she is epic to get on the piss with."

At least I think that's a compliment -chuckles- my kid's friends are so cute!

Christmas is over for another year; this one was even more dysfunctional than is the norm for my family.  I don't know that I will participate next year, the kids can do as they wish but for me I think it is pretty much done.  There have been too many years of sitting around pretending we are a normal family when in fact there is always dissension in some quarter.

Today I am cleaning house ready for my son's new year's eve party tomorrow.  This is the last party.  Like Christmas I am over this.  I just went into the spare room and had to clear away bottles from his previous party.  I refuse to clean up after them and have, until now, been hopeful that one day he would take responsibility for the mess.  Every optimist has to call it a day at some stage.  So today I am cleaning up previous messes and then later this week I will clean up tomorrow's.  The lazy fuck won't even put the dishes away for me so yeah, enough is enough.  I asked him to put dishes away yesterday and got 'why should I, I don't get paid to do it'  He never thinks that I am a lot older than him and have a lot more experience at handling recalcitrant children.  His new year's eve party is going to be a lot smaller than he is expecting because guess what?  i don't get paid to pick his mates up and drop them off again.  At this point in time there are 6 kids who are expecting me to pick them up.  Maybe one day my son will learn to not try and take me on.

There is every chance he will lose his cool over this and try to hit me, but that is okay.  He has hit me before and doubtless will again.  It still does not scare me but it should now scare him.  Until now the police never did anything but now that he is 18 that has all changed.  I have no hesitation about calling the police on him, I am his mother not his victim.

Dear God I sound like such a sad sack and that is far from true -chuckles- I personally blame lack of tobacco!!  Someone needs to bring cigarettes to save me from myself!!!!!

Dear Liza may have had a hole in her bucket but here it is December 23 and it seems I have a hole in my roof and my laundry ceiling is about to collapse.  So much for going away today, I have just contacted the landlord but given the festive season he has no idea when he can get someone here.  In the meantime I am going to apply a Carolyn fix and punch a hole in the ceiling to drain it and hopefully stop it falling.

Ugh so not what I need at this time of the year -chuckles- the adage 'it never rains but it pours' seems oddly apt at the moment.

This is the thing I dislike the most about being single, having to come up with 'fixes' for things I know nothing about.  Having said that though it is amazing how creative I have gotten over the years.  Things I would once never have even looked at and considered 'men's work' are things that through necessity I do  have to tackle and often successfully. There is more to me than even I knew!

The countdown for Christmas has begun, I am just glad my kids have grown and I do not have to go all out anymore.  The only little kids are my sisters grand kids and this year we are doing to whole gift exchange on the 24th, along with a bbq, as they have to spend the 25th with their dads.  Xmas day therefore should be fairly chill; my mother, sister, brother (who we will only see when it is time to eat), my two kids and one of my son's friends.  A few wines and it should all go nicely.

I am seriously thinking of getting a tattoo for my birthday.  One of the elegant text ones that are in vogue at the moment.  I was looking up 'life sayings' yesterday and found a couple I like:  'to thine own self be true' and 'why fit in when you were born to stand out?'

The latter is from Dr Seuss which gives it a little comedic value as well.

I will just have to see if I can talk my friend into coming over for a visit and bringing his tattoo gun along for the ride.

I have made a few life altering decisions these past few days and while not yet set in stone I am fairly sure they are the right ones for me.  Very ambiguous I know, but I am not yet prepared to share them as they are big ones and the decision to commit to them is frightening.

I am most definitely not the sort of person that giggles but dear god did I ever giggle yesterday.  I was looking up information on using Domperidone for inducing lactation and found a site that offered push notifications for new postings to their board via their iPhone app.  WTF an app for a lactation site?  I had visions of a phone sitting on the coffee table at someones mothers house or a desk at work.  Can you imagine it if someone looked at the phone and saw a notification that read " there is a new message for you from www.suckmyhugeleakingtits.com - user iwanttosuckyourboobsdry has posted a message with a subject of 'where are all the hot chicks with leaking tits and dripping cunts?'

Okay so I totally made up the details there, but the part about there being an iPhone app for an induced lactation site was 100% real.  I am still in a state of denial, I mean to say REALLY?  Some techie types obviously have way to much time on their hands!

I got my car last night!!!  Go me!!!  Not really, my sister got my car last night and it is now sitting at my mothers who lives about an hours drive away.  The new conundrum is how do I get there so that car and owner can meet?  I was thinking of hitching down but slept in this morning and given that I live rurally I would need to be on the road early if I wanted to use my thumb!  My nephew and his boyfriend have just come over from Oz for Xmas and I facebooked him last night to ask if he would bring it up.  He said it most likely was not a problem but I know him well.  He loves telling people he will help them and then simply not doing it and never letting them know, definitely not holding my breath on that one.

Onwards and upwards to the next problem.  I have tried fixing the mower and yeah that was not a roaring success.  I did however have an epiphany last night.  If I can buy a car online I can most definitely buy a used lawnmower for less than it would cost me to have my one repaired.  So, my new mission in life is to get one asap before the contractor the real estate agent has organised turns up to cut my lawn and charge me a fortune in the process!  I will foil their evil plans!!!

Now all I need to do is figure out how to survive another b/day and xmas with my mother.  Roll on December 26 so all this festive crap is over for another year.

Thank you god!!!  Tonight I will finally have a car again, well if my sister and another driver can pick it up in Glenfield and take it around to my mother's house that is.

I feel like a child at xmas and given the fact that I loathe xmas that is huge lol

I do not generally set out to participate in either popularity or pissing contests and yesterday i definitely did not earn brownie points with the family.

I told my kids that for the first time ever (apart from when I live in Tx) I was not going to spend xmas with my family.  It is just all getting too hard having to rely on my sister to take me to and fro while I do not have a car.  It is completely unfair to her as she works crazy hours and loses much needed sleep to pick the kids and I up.  Add to that the fact that the last couple of days Sue has picked me up I think I am only going for a day or two and events conspire to leave me stranded there for a week.  

It is not that I do not want to spend xmas with them but it is all just too hard to organize when you do not have your own transport.  If I did go down I would want to go and visit my father who is still in hospital on Xmas day, this means getting up at 2am so I can take my sister to work and then have the use of her car for the morning.  I did that twice last week and up just not up for another week of 2am wake up calls.

My daughter kindly organized transport with her uncle who said he would drop us off and pick us up 3 days later.  He is not related to me but is their paternal aunt's partner.  The aunt died last week and really there is no tie left between he and I, nor is there any love lost from him as far as I am concerned. I do not mind at all if the kids take him up on the offer of the lift but I am not going to.

So, my mother is all pissy with me after I told her that unless by some miracle I find a new car in the next week I wont be going.  My kids are not thrilled either but they are not toddlers anymore, they are young adults and if they wish to go done I will help them achieve that goal, but that does not mean I have to go with them.

I did actually have a lead on an 'okay' car yesterday but we had bad storms in the afternoon and we lost power and phones for 9 hours or so.  the car was a one day deal situation so that is it until I see something else that might suit.

As for my freaking lawns, the real estate agent has threatened to send out a contractor (at my cost naturally) if I do not get them done within the week.  All good but for the fact my mower has suddenly stopped running properly.  I was going to try to clean the air filter, oil filter and spark plug but when I looked it seems I have to get the engine cover off lol Suddenly I am not feeling as confident as I was about doing the work.  Being single means there are times I have to get my hands dirty but this is beginning to feel as if it belongs in the too hard to do pile!

Another 8 days and xmas and my birthday will be over and done with for another year   Roll on boxing day - bah humbug!

I really am not sure where this bout of introspection has come from, perhaps I am right and it is just that my birthday is approaching and I am looking back over certain aspects of my life.

I know I am a slave and have no qualms about that, the introspection is about the whys.  Why am I different to other people, why will I not only allow the name calling, the disciplines and punishments.  What is it that makes me react to such things so differently to those that are considered 'normal'?

Why if I do something wrong and know i will be punished do I not either hope I will not be caught or or even perhaps try to hide my actions?  Why instead do I go and admit my failing even knowing that the result of this admission is likely to be painful both physically and emotionally.  What makes others like me willingly put ourselves in to that situation?

Maybe it all hinges on the age old question; is a slave born this way or did their formative years make them this way or does it take a combination of nature and nurture to make a slave.

oh em gee my prayers have been answered.  The kids were being picked up by their mothers tomorrow afternoon, now my sister is picking them up in the morning.  They have already asked if they can come back and stay again over the holidays but I need to recover from this visit first.  I am a soft touch though lol so already know I will say yes

The thing that bugs me the most is the mornings, I just do not 'do' people before my third coffee of the morning!  The kids seem to get up within about 30 minutes of me getting up.  Tomorrow I have it sussed I am going to get up at about 4am so I have the alone time I so desperately need in the mornings!

Tomorrow morning is going to be hectic though as the kids want to bake cakes and things to take home for their mums to taste!  I swear I am not going to bake for another year after all of this!

Ahhh by Saturday I can wash my own clothes and catch up with my chores instead of washing the kids stuff daily and spending all my time cleaning up after them.  My house will hopefully be in order by days end on Saturday and I can chill and enjoy the peace, quiet and cleanliness.  Shame I do not have any rum so I could chill with a cold rum and coke and enjoy the peace and quiet - sucks to be me lol

I think my house is getting a bit of a reputation. Have the great nieces and nephews staying for only the second time (aged 6-10) and they did not even put their bags down when  they got here before asking if they could play poker and would I make the round things with potato in for them again (potato pinwheels). What are they going to ask for on the third visit?

I did not get the car last week, instead I got ripped off by a guy who I have since found out pulls this scam frequently.  It was not a huge amount of cash but when you do not have a lot of excess cash it does impact, it has put my  ability to buy a car back by a few weeks and let me tell you that having no car out here makes life nigh on impossible.  I will get there eventually and maybe I have finally learned to not be so trusting, not everyone I meet is honest!  I have always recognized that being too trusting is not a wise thing but you cannot really change one of the fundamentals of your character.

Anyway enough of that for now.

The great nieces and I made the most awesome cupcakes yesterday, today's fun filled 'keep the kids occupied' activities include making a chocolate cake with the girls and the boys want me to teach them how to make potato pinwheels.  The eldest boy (9 yrs old) also wants to make scrambled eggs for breakfast when they get up while the 6 yr old wants to make the toast to go with the toast to go with the eggs.

I do love having them here and spending time with them but damn I had forgotten how noisy little kids are and how much time they need.  I have already caught them trying to smoke and walking on the outside of my deck railing which are close on 20' off the ground!

I have been quite retrospective about my life both vanilla and bdsm these past few days, perhaps because my birthday is fast approaching - another year older and all that crap.

I was asked yesterday about what the most humiliating event in my history was, I could not come up with an answer as I do not dwell in the past simply because what is done is done and cannot be changed.  

Ugh 7:17 and the 4 kids are getting up.  Only 1.5 days until they get picked up, not that I am counting.  I have actually told their mums (my nieces) that if they get stuck for childcare over the xmas holidays the kids are welcome to come back again.  My sister and nieces are like me and help out people who have a need and I tend to do the same, so it is nice to be able to  help them out this way.  It is hard for them being working single mothers when school holidays hit and the only cost to me of having their kids stay is sanity, peace and quiet, etc.  I can survive that, I hope lol

Victory at last.  I was on my facebook account yesterday and found a few groups selling cars.  I put an ad on one giving the extremely low pricer limit I had and within 2 hours someone messaged me about a car he was selling!!!

It is awesome, old but awesome.  It looks really straight in the pics, warranted and registered through to April next year, 3 new tyres and has been regularly serviced and maintained.

The only problem was that it is in Hamilton but it has ended up that I will pay gas money for them to bring it up.

Woot - come Friday or Saturday I will finally have a car again!  

Watch out world I am going to be mobile again.

Awesome news!  The police say they do not have enough evidence to press charges in the case of the girl that says she was raped here at my son's party.  According to the girl this is based on her internal swabs.

While I do truly feel for her and ensure we stay in touch so she has someone to talk to I am relieved that the case is not going ahead.  There were just too many things that did not make sense.]

Onwards and upwards, on to solving the next problem now which is the lack of a reliable car.

Woot it is national crate day next weekend!  Drinks all around and maybe a few sausages on the bbq.  Let's just  hope the weather is fine so we can bask in the sun while pouring the bevies down our throats.

Any excuse for a drink or three

YES!!!  Thank you god.  My son is off out on Saturday night and I get the house to myself!  You have no idea how much I look forward to nights without kids home..  I might even have a quiet drink and just enjoy the peace.

Ugh my freaking cat dragged a mouse into the damn house and then let it go, I have no idea where it is!

I think I am going to have to go, cap in hand to my mother over getting a car.  I can just imagine the lecture I will get.  Thank god I do not nag like her, well I hope not.  I am sure if I asked the kids they would tell me otherwise.

Time to go cook, no cooking necessary Saturday night though!!!

I can truthfully say the past three months have been the worst of my life.

First my daughter moved out which cut my invalids benefit substantially, then to add insult to injury I have to pay child support for her.  This means there is so little left in the budget after rent and bills have been paid that I can barely afford to feed my son.

Then my niece tried to kill herself and was diagnosed with ptsd due to long term childhood sexual abuse.  I ended up caring for my great nieces and nephews while she was in hospital.  What joy it was to have 4 kids under 10!!

A week or so after leaving hospital she was re-admitted.  She had had gallstones a few months back and it seems when she passed them she damaged her bladder and was leaking urine internally.

As if that were not enough my 87 year old father had a fall and has broken his shoulder, fractured his hip and wrist and screwed up his knees.  He has been in hospital for 6 weeks so far and still no word on when he can leave.  Last week he was diagnosed with an aneurysm in his heart and told he has to have it operated on by Christmas at the very latest.

Next my car got green stickered so is off the road.  It is not worth repairing and if I am caught driving it it is a $600 fine.  I have $400 that I can put to another car and my only hope of getting anything else towards another car is to sell a diamond ring which was passed to me by my mother and I really wanted to pass down to my daughter.  I am loathe to do it but needs must as I live in the middle of nowhere and cannot even get to the grocery store to get food as it is a 40 minute drive to get there and there are no buses out here.

Last week I had to see my surgeon who was freaking out over how much weight I am still losing and said I could very soon become seriously ill if I continued losing weight.  -chuckles- I did not bother telling him that I am eating so little because of my budget so my son can have the bulk of the food.  Long story short I was admitted to hospital but after two days I told them I was leaving.  As a single parent I do not get the luxury of lounging around in hospitals more than a day or two.

All I can say is roll on 31 December because 2014 has to be better than 2013!!

It really is not as bad as it all sounds, shit happens sometimes and you just make the best of it.  The only issue that has me beat is the car, it is absolutely freaking vital that I get another car as I am completely housebound without one.

I tell you I must have been a real bitch in a former life and now karma is hitting back lol  As they say what does not kill you makes you stronger and these past few years since  I became single have certainly done that.  I am stronger now than I have ever been before!

woot I get to mow the lawns today!!  Well start them anyway.  Oh to have a son that would take the mower out of my hands and say "I'll do that for you mum."  No such luck, he will be inside playing games on my laptop or his xbox.  At least it is a lovely day and I will enjoy the fresh air.  If the section were flat I would not mind so much.

Things are nice and quiet for a change, at least until my son's Halloween party when I will be over run by teens again.  I do not mind too much, I get on really well with most of the kids that will be here.

Dear god but I have about had enough.  When shit happens I just take it on the chin and keep going but this time I can't.

A girl was raped at my son's party and I am still dealing with the police over that, they have taken my son's statement along with about half the other kids.  I am still waiting to give my statement but after telling the cops what I knew I was told I will likely have to testify if it goes to court.  I feel terrible that this happened in my home when I was here and in charge.  I am thankful it was not one of the boys I know well but someone who came as a friend of a friend.

Then my niece tried to kill herself so I have had my 4 great nieces and nephews staying with me, I had forgotten how boisterous little kids can be.  Thankfully the school holidays end this weekend and they are going home tomorrow afternoon.  It wasn't all bad, I hardly know the kids so it was a good opportunity to spend time with them.

I could go on but bleh it does not change anything!

The day of the party has dawned and thankfully it is fine, albeit cold.  Hopefully I can keep most of the kids outside for the greater part of the night.  Living rurally means the I do not let the kids drive home as it is just too dangerous so they all stay the night.  The torture won't be over until the last one leaves tomorrow!

My freaking car would not start yesterday morning.  I so badly need to get a new battery.  I got it going with the charger but every time I had to park it somewhere I sent up a little prayer for it to start again for me.  I could get a loan from WINZ for a battery but I am trying to leave that money to help with moving costs so feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  My son's friends keep telling me to get a new car and just do not seem to understand that selling the integra is only going to get me about $400 and any car I bought for that price would likely be in just as bad condition.  Better the devil you know as other than the starting issue the integra goes well, albeit sans warrant and rego.

-chuckles-  a cop tried to green sticker it the other week and I told him to go ahead and that I would still drive it.  I explained to him that given the choice I would not be in it at all but choice was not a luxury I had.  As I said to him I have to drive to get food for the household and it was the only option I had.  I think he realized I was telling the truth because come on, who would drive a PoS like that if they had other options!  In the end he let me off with the admonishment to not let him see me again that day so I asked him where he was going to be and told him I would do my best to avoid him.

I only have it because my previous vehicle seized the day before I moved here and I had to get a car immediately with what limited cash I have.  It has served me well for a year now but for the tickets I get at times.  It is called making the best of a bad situation and hey I sometimes kick in the vtec and let it rip on the back roads coming home what a blast.  I love speed!

Well the sun is shining and as cold as it is I am off to do some of the lawn and spray the edges.  It will be nice when we move and I have a smaller section to maintain.

The masochist in me has reared its ugly head again and I have given my son permission for a 'going away' party because we will (hopefully) be moving soon.  So come Friday night I get the pleasure of hosting numerous 18-20 year olds.

It would not be so bad if I could just sneak off to my room at about midnight and leave them to it but I have tried that in the past and it does not work.  What happens when I try is that about half the kids seek me out and they end up partying in my room.  It is really sweet that they enjoy my company to that extent but there are times I want to get away from the noise.  I should really just enjoy it while I can, we will be moving away from all of these kids and some of them truly are wonderful and I will miss them.  It is wonderful that they want to involve me in their activities.  I have lost count of the number of kinnect 10 pin bowling or ping pong games I have played with these kids or the number of times they try to invite me to their parties, etc.

I was hoping to start mowing the lawns today, why I do it when I have an 18 year old son is beyond me but he simply will not do it.  It is cloudy and dull today, not a nice day to be outside but I am hoping it will clear up in another hour or two.

I packed up a few boxes of household stuff yesterday that we can do without until we find a new house  Today I hope to do a couple more and also get more stuff listed on Trademe and .  Add in the lawns and regular ongoing housework and it will be a busy day but busy is always good!

My car broke down yesterday and a really nice guy jump started it for me, but more than that he checked the oil, etc, etc trying to find out what the problem is with it starting.  He went so far as to give my son his cell phone number in case we break down in the middle of nowhere.  You really cannot judge people by appearance only and this meeting completely vindicated my thoughts on this.  This guy was covered in tattoos and had definitely been around the block more than once, but what a kind hearted and helpful person he was.

People never cease to amaze me, and in a good way.  I believe most people are inherently good and I have met some truly wonderful ones throughout my life.

Someone from here on CM emailed me about a flat they have coming up for rent.  I would have leapt at the chance but for its location.  It was too far away from the city and I would have been in the same position as far as finding work, etc.  

The day before I moved into this house my van engine died on me and I had to buy a car on the spot with the little cash i had.  It is a PoS and illegal to have on the road, I cannot live somewhere where I have to drive great distances, particularly on a daily basis once I get a job.  My son has an old 1970 something Triumph he bought as a restoration project and we are going to see how much we can get if we scrap both cars.  I am not really expecting to get more than $500 and we will see what we can buy with that.  The problem is we cannot sell our cars for scrap until we have another one lined up as there is no bus service here so having a car is essential.

Anyway I am so grateful for the offer of the flat, it just shows that there are good people out there and I am lucky enough to know some of them.

I am okay with what is happening at the moment regarding moving and the finances, I knew my kids would leave home and this would happen.  I just had a little less notice of it happening than I would have liked.  I am looking forward to the time when we can move and I can find work again.  I am looking forward to being somewhere where my neighbours are not cows and I can regain my social life.

It is an exciting time!

haha life sucks sometimes.  I went for my welfare review last week now that my daughter has moved out.  I knew it would be a big hit and I would lose a lot of my income but wow.  After I pay bills I will be left with $35 per week for food for my son and I.  I am so freaking glad that I had the weight loss surgery and do not eat very much, I will work on reducing this amount even more because my 18 year old son has a huge appetite so most of the money has to go on him.

I am not bitching about it, it is what it is and I just have to suck it up until I can afford to move somewhere where there is work.  I am fairly frugal and will now just have to become even moreso.

I am going through all my possessions seeing what I can sell to help with the moving costs as well as supplement the food budget.  We will get by, there certainly won't be any luxuries or a social life but I am on welfare after all and do not expect anyone to support me on anything more than a basic level, this is admittedly taking basic to a new low but meh, I am a survivor.

On a more cheerful note after I sell what I can I won't have as much stuff to move!

See there is always and up side!

Okay so while I miss my daughter there are definite benefits to her having moved out.  The biggest being that for the last two weekends my son has been out either one or both nights partying and I have had the house to myself.

If only I lived closer to civilization so I could do something with the free time!

Once I move back to the 'burbs I will definitely be taking advantage of the nights without teenagers!  

Looking for houses to rent is a pain but I hope I find one quickly and can get the move over and done with and get myself settled in.  Finding a job will be my number one priority, living out here there is no work and I have not enjoyed staying at home.  Being out and about working, meeting up with friends, etc is exciting and I am really looking forward to it.

brrr it is really chilly this morning.  I am sitting here in my sexiest outfit (not) pj's, dressing gown, bed socks, slippers and a beanie and am still cold.

I just got back from two days at my parents house and while it drives me insane staying there I was glad my son and I did.  We managed to get quite a few jobs done that are too heavy for my parents at their ages but that they still try to do.  It really annoys me that I even hear about my mother climbing step ladders at 86 to try and hang paintings when my brother and sister both live there.  Luckily in this instance my father was right there with her and grabbed on to her when she became dizzy.  My father was pathetically grateful when I offered to run the hair clippers over his head, he has been almost begging my brother to do it for him for some time apparently.  I realize my brother has a bad arm but come on it is hair clippers for god's sake he could have done it with his left hand if need be.  It just makes me so angry.

When I move I will be moving as close to my parents as money will allow, unfortunately the area they live in is fairly expensive as far as rental homes go but I can hopefully get to within a distance of about 20-30 minutes drive time.

I find out on Thursday how I stand financially now that my daughter has moved out and can then start looking for houses to rent.  I managed to get a camera that while not the best is capable of taking better pictures than my phone so this next week will get on with the business of selling as many of my belongings as I possibly can to raise money for the physical move.  I am pretty sure I have 'move in' costs covered using the bond and rent in advance from my current home and a repayable loan from WINZ.  It is just the actualy 'moving' costs that are still needed.  I just cannot let friends move me again, they broke so much of my furniture last time.  This time I want to hire one of the smaller trucks that you can drive with just an ordinary drivers licence, the big cost will be diesel because of our distance from any of the main centres.

-chuckles-  All in a days work I guess.

My son told me the other day that when he gets a job he is more than happy to stay with me as a flatmate.  Like hell!!!!  I want to be on my own and will be doing all I can to encourage him to man up and move out.  If I had to have one of the kids with me it would have been my daughter not my son.  Now that she has gone it is just a case of encouraging him (so subtley that he does not know it is happening)

Ugh my touch pad has stopped working so I had best go fix that because it is near impossible to navigate around the page.

What glorious weather this afternoon.  I wish I lived closer to the beach or even somewhere that had grass verges where I could walk, gravel roads are not the best!

Summer is just around the corner and I cannot wait.

Spring always feels like a time of new beginnings and that seems even more apt right now; I will have to move to a smaller house now that my daughter has moved out.  I am culling my belongings and am looking forward to a new start - I would prefer my daughter was still here but that is not to be, she has to do what she believes is right for her.

I need to get a digital camera asap as I have stacks of stuff I want to sell online but my phone does  not take pictures of a high enough quality.  Getting a decent digicam on a tight budget is not going to be easy but I will find a way.  I always do!

Drinks at my place tonight!  Well not me, my son has invited a couple of mates over for a night of drinking and xbox - oh joy.  I can already hear Forza 4 in my mind and intend heading to my room with a book relatively early.

Many thanks to the person who messaged me after reading my previous journal and told me to 'grow the fuck up.'

I have always taken constructive criticism to heart, shame this was not that.  What it was was pointless.  I would not have been much of a parent if I had not felt emotional seeing my child leave home, particularly given the short notice and the aunt's underhand shenanigans.

It is a done deal though and I will put a smile on my face when I go to the aunt's to visit my daughter.  The aunt and I share a mutual dislike but unlike me she has no qualms about interfering in the lives of my children.  As harsh as it may sound her imminent death will bring about a final break with their dad's family and I will be glad of that.  I certainly do not wish Mary dead but do look forward to the thrall she has over my kids being removed.

Now to get my son sorted out, get him actively seeking work once we move to an area that actually has some industry and then see him out the door.  I love him dearly but after 18 years have had enough of his tempers, escalating violence and attempts at taking control of the house.  The past few years have been a constant battle with him and have played a large part in my daughter's decision to leave.

What a day.  At 1pm my almost 17 year old daughter gave me three hours notice of her intent to move out.  

I am proud of her for making this bid for independence but would be moreso if she were actually making herself independent.  Instead she is swapping on familial support system for another and moving into a caravan next to her aunt's.  Her aunt will cook and clean for her and generally see to her well being.  All good but for the fact that her aunt only has a few months to live and once she dies my daughter will be homeless.  She will not have gained any skills for independent living, nor will she have any furniture or linen, etc.  These are all supplied in the caravan and she does not understand the need to purchase her own.

If I could wrap my hands about her aunt's neck right now I would.  She is my sister-in-law and has constantly interfered in my childrens' upbringing.  This time though she has done more harm than good.

I have made an appointment with WINZ to let them know that she has left my care and the reduction in my benefit will mean I have to move to a smaller home urgently, this will mean that if my daughter wishes to return there will not be a room for her to do so.  I certainly won't be able to come up with moving costs again any time soon and I worry about what she will end up doing.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster since she told me she was moving and see a night of no sleep ahead of me for worrying about her.

It is ironic that for the past year I have been keen to have them move out, although admittedly I wish it were my son who had gone first so she and I could have had some time together without the stress he brings to our lives.  Now that one of them is moving I feel sad.  I also feel scared as my son has said once we move and he finds a job he wants to stay on with me in a flatting situation.  He is the one who causes me the problems and sadly I would have been happy to see him make his move to the real world where he had to learn to stand on his own two feet.  

She on the other hand has emotional issues and one of the is that she feels no great emotional connection to anyone (other than the boyfriend of the day) so I fear I will see next to nothing of her.  Hell she did not even say goodbye this afternoon when she left.  It was as though I were already a closed chapter in her life.

One down, one to go; I should be celebrating and yet I am not.  I have a special bond with my daughter (perhaps not emotionally because of how she is) but in other ways and I am going to miss her terribly.

Knowing me I am going to spend the next week stressing out about where we can live and unable to do anything about it until next Thursday when I will have my benefit review.  I hate being in a flux like this and not able to make decisions until I can work out how much I have for housing, etc.

I am very angry with the way she has done this but know it is not her fault, her aunt has very obviously been pulling strings and organizing this move for a couple of weeks and I was simply presented with a fait accompli.

Grrrrrr

It has been a long, long weekend, but at least the weather is improving.

I went to bed last night and left 3 18-19 year old boys unsupervised.  Big mistake, I got up this morning to three loads of dishes and could not even make coffee until I had cleared off the benches and washed a cup.  Dear god do teenagers ever think of anyone other than themselves?

I am feeling a little restless of late which is very unlike me, it is hard to settle to anything.  Perhaps it is just the change in season as I am definitely in spring clean mode, I just need to focus on one task at a time instead of shifting from job to job.  Hey, the house will end up clean no matter which method I take so I guess it does not matter that much.

I need to get myself a new camera.  I have so many things here that I want to get rid of but cannot list them on Trademe as my phone does not take good enough pictures.  I might see if I can borrow a friend's this week so I can at least list a few things.  I really want to get rid of a lot of 'baggage' before I move and it is wise to start that process now.

Dear god what a boring entry, I should be shot for writing drivel like this!

Joy of joys, today I am going to go and visit my parents.  Hours of yelling over a tv that is turned up to full volume (i do not think they have realized that if they turn the tv down a little they won't have to scream at each other).  I will be nagged to death over something, at least I have taken weight out of the equation nowadays, but it has been replaced by the mantra that I am not eating enough and need to eat more.  Dear old mum is never going to change and the nagging will go on until the day she dies.

I am picking up my laptop on the way down and if internet is on will likely spend the evening setting it up with office, anti-virus, crap cleaner, etc, etc.  While I am better than the average person as far as setting up and/or repairing software issues I have no clue when it comes to hardware (particularly on a laptop) so am going to have to find a techie to take the drive out of my old machine so that hopefully my data can be retrieved.

I am still a little stunned at how easily DSE have agreed to replace my laptop but given that it was not a brand they supported the cost of them having to send it to Dell for assessment and parts it is actually the most economic solution from their point of view.

Anyway it is coming up for 7am and I have things to do and places to go!

Yes!!!!!!!!!!!  

Victory is mine.  DSE are going to replace my laptop.  They have a refurbished machine which is under warranty that they will give me.  It is slightly smaller than mine but has better specs and is newer.  That is definitely what I call a win.

I feel entitled to take myself off somewhere private and do a happy dance!

The onions are pickled and I have access to my son's laptop for the night (usually it is tied to his 32" tv in his room after the infamous fist meets monitor incident) as he bought himself a couple of new xbox games today so the internet does not hold its usual thrall for him.

I still have not heard anything from DSE about my laptop but fear that when I do it will not be good news.  Big chains tend to deny all responsibility when it comes to all things electronic and use terms like "it was just a coincidence that your hdd died 3 days after purchasing a xxxxx from us" or perhaps "our xxx could not have caused a complete failure in your hard drive".  They will do their damnedest to play the coincidence card.  The only thing in my favour is that I told them each time I spoke to them what model my laptop was and after mentioning that my laptop was not listed as a supported model (it was still going at that point in time) was told that it was alright to go ahead and use it.  Well that and the fact that neither they (nor I) can definitively say what caused my laptop to die.  It could be coincidental that it died after 3 days of use with the new power adapter or the new power adapter caused the problem.

I did have a netbook which I was using for a couple of days until Murphy's law reared it's ugly head and my son accidentally knocked it on to the floor this morning and cracked the screen.  Now I am down to my iPod which is so not going to be a happening thing.  Typing anything meaningful on one of those things is torturous and while I do have masochistic tendencies I am by no means a self-masochist. Other than the iPod I will be limited to the local library (I say local but it is a 60 minute round trip) once a week.  It seems my return to CM may well be temporary as naturally I am unable to access adult sites at the library.

I feel like I should be tearing my hair out or banging my head against a brick wall but am actually chuckling as this sort of thing only ever seems to happen to me.  

You never know though it could be that DSE will come through for me although I am not holding my breath on that one; the colour blue has never suited me.

Other than the laptop saga life goes on as per usual which I suppose is a good thing, I must admit though that normal in my house is always a little on the odd side.

Anyway that is it for me for the night, time to snuggle up in bed and read.

Goodnight 

Bonus!!!!  Both teens have gone out for the weekend so I get to do my own thing :( this morning that thing consists of a date with several kilo's of pickling onions that need peeling ready for the actually pickling process tomorrow.  As if that was not exciting enough I stupidly offered to do a clean install of windows for my son after having done it for my daughter's laptop last weekend.

Why oh why do I do these things to myself.  I could have gone out or even just lazed bout soaking in a hot bath but no, I am going to fix a laptop and make myself cry over a bowl of onions.

Now for a complete change of topic; my new body.

I am not sure that I want to unveil it any time soon, if ever.  I love the way I look clothed, but naked is a different story completely and I think I would prefer others not see it.  The excess skin is an issue that I cannot resolve.  Once I live closer to civilization I can consider joining a gym and working on muscle development on my thighs, upper arms and stomach.  The muscle will build bulk which will fill some of the excess skin but not nearly enough to conceal the problem completely.  The other option is to have the skin removed surgically and that is simply not an option.  The cost of surgery is prohibitive even if I were to consider having it done overseas.  

I can normally find solutions to problems I encounter but this one has me stumped and I think I will just have to find a way to live with it.  I can live with it personally as there is only one full length mirror in our house and it is my daughters so I rarely have to face the sight myself.  Showing it to others, either publicly at the beach or on a bushwalk or privately with another person is definitely an issue, and one that I cannot as yet think of a solution to.

My life has been so full of tragedy/irony these past few months that it is comedic.  I have to laugh as things continue to fall about as irony after irony hits.

I never put things on the roof of my car and yet a couple of months ago I put my damn glasses there and naturally forgot about them and drove off.  I am as blind as a bat without them and cannot read anything.  I could get an advance from WINZ but am loathe to do so as I am desperately saving what I can from my weekly benefit and clearing my advance/loan account so that I can move back to the 'burbs.  I want to have the ability to be around people if I wish it, to go for walks somewhere that there is a footpath, and it will also give the kids more freedom socially to be somewhere that actually has a bus service which means I get some alone time on occasion!  I also want to get back to work which is impossible up here as there are few jobs and even fewer that would pay enough to enable me to support myself and the kids.  So I am down to using $2 shop glasses for reading which works ok but long term I think is making my eyesight worse so when I do finally replace my lost glasses they will be pretty strong.  Lesson here, don't make an exception to my rule about not putting things on the roof of the car!

My laptop is a story unto itself.  The kids broke the power adapter but it was still working.  Then the dial up modem crapped out and of course we could not get broadband as we were still on the waiting list for a port on the local (very small rural) exchange.

Off I went to Dick Smith Electronics after having spoken to them on the phone a couple of times (giving them the model of my laptop each time).  When I got to the store they remembered me and sold me a dial up modem and a universal adapter.  I phoned them later that day to say that the while the laptop was showing signs of life (media lights were showing) it was not actually booting up.  I pointed out to them that my particular laptop was not listed as a supported model as far as the universal adapter was concerned.  Mine was a 19.5 watt and the adapter only had fittings for 19 and 20.  They assured me that was alright and said I should use the 19, which I was and asked me to bring the laptop in.  

So Friday morning I take the laptop back, I had managed to boot it the night before by removing the battery and then replacing it but now had a new issue to take up with them.  While the laptop was going the battery was not charging as it should have been according to the manual that came with the adapter.  Again I pointed out that my laptop was not listed as a supported model and was told that it was okay and that I would just have to use the machine plugged in as sometimes they adapters just would not charge batteries.

Saturday comes along and hello my laptop is d-e-a-d it will not power up at all, so either it is completely fubared or it's power supply has gone.  I am again told to take it back to the store (a return journey of over 100km each time), once there I talk to them about the fact that my laptop is not listed as being supported and they brush it aside.  After trying a different brand of universal adapter lo and behold they agree with me that my laptop won't power up (who would have thunk a mere woman would have known that - I am just THAT good it seems).

Anyway, long story short (well shortish anyway) their service department now has my laptop and I am waiting to hear back from them.  I am sure they will adopt a 'no fault, no responsibility' stance and say that it is just coincidence that my laptop that had been working perfectly Friday night is now dead and it was just one of those things; it's time had come and it had nothing to do with their universal adapter.

Now the irony hits.  Sunday I get told the laptop is broken and needs to be looked at, Tuesday I get a phone call telling me that after a year on the waiting list they are going to install my broadband that day.  My daughter has a laptop on long term loan from her boyfriend that is not working properly but I managed to borrow a copy of Windows 7 and hastily rebuilt it for her so she would be able to get it online.  It is not perfect but it is working.  As for my son, his laptop had a fist meets screen issue so there is currently a 32" tv sitting in the middle of the living room floor with his laptop hooked up to it - hey it works even if it drives me insane having to walk around it constantly.  As for me I snatch time on theirs throughout the day but it is not working.  They hover over me waiting to get their machine back and I end up just logging out of whatever I am doing because of sheer frustration and lack of privacy.

Today I could not sleep so got up at 5am partly because it would mean an hour or so of private time on my daughter's laptop before she wakes.

It took a week to get our broadband working and the fault was finally traced to the modem supplied by the ISP.  While waiting for them to replace this I found an old router which is working apart from the wifi so the kids are wired into it via Ethernet cables snaking over the living room floor.  Hopefully we get the replacement modem within the next couple of days before someone trips over a cable and breaks their leg.

Shit like this only happens to me I swear!

As for my weight, I am half the woman I was a year ago and am loving it for the most part.  I have few clothes (two pairs of leggings and one skirt) that fit but that is ok.  The picture I posted shows me in one of my coveted pairs of leggings... The first I have EVER worn in my life so I still love putting them on and showing them off!!

Walking is a whole new experience, or so it seems, I am not able to walk slowly. I want to just step out and stride about the place when I go out.  I cannot walk where I live as we do not even have grass verges let alone foot paths and walking on the gravel roads is not very stable.  When I do go somewhere that has foot paths though I revel in the ability to walk and do as much as possible within time constraints. One of my goals for losing weight was to do a bush walk and I have picked up a book showing the local walks and as soon as I can afford a semi decent pair of walking shoes I am off.  I cannot wait!!!!

Unfortunately another goal I had has been shelved.  I wanted to go to the beach with the kids.  They are growing up quickly but are still of an age where I could have coaxed a last picnic or two out of them.  My new lighter, fitter body won't allow it though.  Do you remember the ad on tv years ago where there was a close up of an elephants ankle with a young boy saying 'that's my mum, the one with the baggy pantyhose'.  Well that was my second cousin's brother in law's niece's father's step sister's aunt twice removed on my father's side.  I am the one with the 'baggy body'  the excess skin I have been left with after my operation is truly revolting.  I was less self conscious of my naked body when obese than I am now.  It is certainly never going to be revealed publicly in shorts, short skirt or bathing suit and as for naked in front of another adult - ain't happening NEVER.

It is a small price to pay though as losing all the weight has given me a new lease on life and an excess of energy that was beyond my wildest imaginings a year ago.  I can still take the kids to the beach for a picnic it just means I would have to wear leggings or a long skirt and would not be able to go swimming with them which is a bummer.

I still have to have an operation to repair an umbilical hernia which I will be asking about when I see my surgeon next as my weight loss seems to have stabilized which is when he said he would do it.  I am happy enough with the hernia, it has been part of me for years after all and I was not eligible for surgery to repair it because it was not strangulated but my surgeon hates it so is going to repair it for me.  If only I could convince him to get a plastic surgeon in to remove my excess skin as well lol but that is so not going to happen.  All cool though I will just keep my upper arms, stomach and thighs hidden with clothing, at least nowadays it is clothing I like.

Breaking news!!!  I now own winter PJ's!!!   I did not go near anything that even remotely resembled trousers when I was overweight but now that I have shed the kilo's my good old mum bought me two pairs of flannelette pj's for the cold winter nights.  Definitely not sexy but oh so warm and snuggly! 

I just unveiled the new me, here on CM anyway.  Check out the new profile picture and see how much less of me there is from this time last year!

Borrowing a laptop is not working too well as I have only just managed to get online today and already I hear moans of discontent from the owner.  Kids should be seen and not heard!

I will be back to write a longer entry when time, internet connection and teens allow!

OMG stop the world, I have internet and not only just net, after an 11 month wait I finally have broadband.  Now if only I could get the wireless working.  What a drama this has all been and it is not yet fully resolved as I am currently on a borrowed laptop while waiting to find out if Dick Smith Electronics will take responsibility for killing mine and repair or replace it for me.  I am not holding my breath on this one, but I will fight them if they refuse to come to the party.  (long story)

I have so much I could write about at the moment but my time online is limited - as stated it is a borrowed laptop and its owner is already having withdrawal symptoms.

Did you miss me?  Come on I know you did, really!

The new year is off to a quiet start.  The kids went partying on New Years Eve and I decided to stay home even though I had been invited.  The lure of time on my own was too strong.

I lost my phone xmas day which is a real pain.  I only use it so the kids can stay in touch and now they are unable to.  I do have another phone but it does not get signal up here.  Buying a new phone is definitely not in the budget so I am not sure what I will do, to make things worse I cannot even just get one of the cheap $50 phones as I can only text using a qwerty keyboard.  I suck at texting and only really text the kids.

We were meant to have a boarder move in this week but she has cancelled.  It is so damn frustrating as I was going to try and save most of her board so we can get the hell out of dodge sooner and move back to the Shore.  Unfortunately it is very difficult finding boarders when you live in the middle of nowhere so I am not hopeful about replacing her.

My weight continues to drop, I have lost 55kg now but the sad thing is I hate my new body.  Clothed it is fabulous, or getting there at least, but naked it is saggy and wrinkly and disgusting.  I am more ashamed of my naked body now than I was when I was fat.  I have just started trying to exercise my triceps to get rid of the bat wings and figure I will work on one part of my body at a time.  Hopefully building up some muscle will fill the saggy skin.  Oh to live close to a gym, and be able to afford to go!   I have a solution though; have an affair with a married plastic surgeon and he will either be compelled to fix my flaws or I will threaten to tell his wife.  Only problem with this scenario (apart from it being fantasy) is that I don't know any plastic surgeons.

Well xmas and my birthday are almost here again.  I hate this time of year. The first time I ever had my kids father arrested for losing it and going for me and smashing the house up was xmas eve (my birthday) and we were having both families over for xmas dinner for the first and last time.

All I have to look forward to is getting some granny pants off my mother which I simply throw away when I get home.

This year I have not even been able to buy gifts for the kids because I have been hit with so many bills over the past two months. That really hurts, I have not had the courage to tell them and can just imagine their faces when I do.

-chuckles-  I wonder if my family will even remember it's my birthday this year, it's normally not until about 4pm that one of them finally realizes, but I am used to that now.

bah humbug!

OMG I am staying at my mother's, going home today thank god.  I have just had a 15 minute nag session on how to hang clothes on the line so I do not have to iron them.  Hello, I do NOT iron - EVER, therefore I think I know how to hang my clothes out.  God I have been a wife and mother, I know how to do laundry.

I stay here once every couple of weeks because they are getting on and I want to see them on a regular basis and help them out with some heavier jobs while I am here but dear god the price is high.

No-one but no-one is like my mother.  The other day she sat here smirking as she told us that by 8am that morning the washing was on the line and ready to come in, the house had been vacuumed and she was sitting down to pay her bills.  She forgot to mention that it is my father that does the laundry (including hanging it out and bringing it back in) and he that also vacuums.  Therefore by 8am all she had actually done was sit down with the telephone and paid her bills via phone banking.

I am not really bitching -chuckles- she is who she is and will never change and it amuses me, I ignore the nagging for the most part and I enjoy seeing them.  Knowing their time is limited I have more patience with them than when I was younger.

Using high speed net while we are here is an added bonus!  I downloaded so many movies this weekend and a couple of games!  Back home today and back to crappy dial up.

Oh, I have a little job.  It is not much but even if I can earn $20-$30 a week it all helps.

I achieved a milestone in my weight loss without even realizing it. I saw the surgeon for a check up yesterday and had lost 46kg, that is over 100lbs!!!! Even more exciting though is the fact that I have cleavage. Well I always had cleavage but at size 52FFFF you cannot easily buy bras that are cut to show it. Now that I am at a more manageable size the granny bras have gone and I went out yesterday in a low cut top and flashed a little! It was great.

These past couple of weeks have seen me throw out a lot of my big clothes and I am at the stage where I am struggling to find things to wear but do not want to spend money on clothes that will not fit for long.

On a completely different note, my daughter has told me she wishes to move down to Hamilton permanently. This has put me in an impossible situation. If she goes I lose over $100 a week on my benefit which means I can no longer afford the rent, yet I cannot afford to move either. Moving will cost me at least a thousand dollars which I just do not have and have no way of getting.  I cannot see many of the local farmers wanting a secretary or accounts clerk/administrator and office work is almost non-existant up this way.  Even a part time job would help me save the necessary cash.   The only other way is to get a boarder but again location means this is next to impossible.  A friend down the road has been looking for a 3rd flatmate for over 8 months now.

What a week, I rediscovered my lost cleavage and face losing my home!  I am trying to make light of it but I am really worried and losing a whole lot of sleep.

talk about frustrating.  I had some new pictures taken to show my progress with my weight loss and my dial up is so sucky I cannot upload them, or even email them to friends.  Regardless I have now lost 45kg since my operation and am thrilled.  I have gone to hating seeing myself in a mirror to loving it.  I love seeing myself not out of vanity but because it boosts my morale and gives me the impetus to keep trying to lose weight even on the days that I feel ill.

I go and see the surgeon for a check up this week and ever the optimist I am still hoping he can tell me why I am so ill and offer a solution.  I know some of it will be my fault for eating to fast for my new smaller stomach or some such, but I still have the issue of food not moving quickly enough through my system and just sitting in my stomach.

It is going to be interesting to see how I handle pain now that I do not have as much padding as I used to.  Pain and rough play have always been a turn on, but now I am concerned that my weight loss will lead to reduced enjoyment in this area.  There is after all, good pain and bad pain.

We are due a solar eclipse today and in typical fashion the weather is utter crap.  I woke my son to ask him if he wanted me to get him up to see it and he immediately recalled the last time we tried to see an eclipse.  The kids were little and I wrapped them up and headed to the local beach at some ungodly hour, it was freezing cold and like today cloudy as hell.  We did not see a thing and to make it up to them I bought them pizza hut on the way home.  It would have been wonderful to see it today, we wont get a full eclipse here, instead about 90% of the sun would be eclipsed.  I am going to see one one day!

I am tired lately, not so much physically as mentally/emotionally.  All I want to do is move back to the North Shore but saving up the necessary bonds and moving costs will take forever on welfare.  I am unsure how I can do it in all honesty.  If I lived elsewhere I could simply get a part time job to fund the move, or come off welfare completely and get a full time job.  Up here though it is a catch 22, I want to move away but lack of jobs in the area makes it impossible to do so.

My son may have found a summer job, I am praying he gets it as it will make a world of difference not having him stuck here all summer.  He will go insane and in turn drive me insane with his constant moaning about being bored and hungry.  I swear to god that child is always freaking hungry and when he is off school he eats me out of house and home.

It has been a busy time of late.  I have had a school friend of my son turn up in the middle of the night after taking off from home and a battered woman (a complete stranger) turn up at 11:30pm seeking refuge.  Both are now back where they belong but dear god I need to stop taking in waifs and strays.  I have always had an open door policy for people in need and I find it hard to say no.

My son has had to withdraw his application for the army as it became apparent that if he continued he would be turned down on medical grounds (long story).  He will be able to apply in the second half of next year, in the meantime I am trying to get him enrolled with the correspondence school.  A bit of a disappointment but I am ok with it, it will mean another 12 months at most before he leaves the nest.  I guess after 17.5 years I can handle being a parent for another year.  It is not long in the grand scheme of things.

My dial up is driving me insane, I had two days last week where I could not open a single web page, I have given up on completely and even Collarme is becoming more problematic.  It takes several attempts to load the left hand navigation pane and oft times by the time I finally reach the read mail screen I am so fed up I just shut the net down.

I think I would sell my soul for a vodem right now!

Yesterday I gave a hitch hiker a lift to the local meditation centre and decided from there that I may as well take the back roads home.  I stopped to help a local push his car which was blocking the road and then as I got closer to home I saw a couple of the giraffes at Alan Gibbs sculpture park.  It made me realize just how much I will miss rural living when I move back to the city next year.  I will still move but part of me will miss all of this, even the crappy things like having to drive your trash down to the end of the road because they do not do house to house pick ups out here!

My son had bad news last week, he cannot get into the army as a mechanic in February as he won't have his exam results in time for the intake.  He is instead trying to get in as a soldier (rifleman) and then after 12 months will apply for a trade.  I so hope he succeeds as it really is time for him to fly the coop. 

My daughter is still doing her thing down in Hamilton.  She phoned me last night wanting permission to get a tattoo, which I refused.   I have no objection to her having one but the deal is she has to show me a picture of what she wants and then 3 months later if she has not changed her mind she can get it, she also has to be able to tell me why she wants that particular tattoo, that it has to have some symbolism for her.  I also get to veto it if I do not approve of where she wants it.  An anchor on her wrist just does not cut it for me!

I watched the movie The Dictator yesterday and god did it have some funny one liners. One was at the end when he and his wife were being interviewed on tv, she announces to him, and the world, she is pregnant. His response "are you having a boy or an abortion." Another one that made me laugh was "Crocs are the universal symbol of a man who has given up."

The only thing to spoil the movie was the temperature.  It was 1:30pm and I had to turn the heater on as it was so cold our breaths were misting.  Roll on warmer days!

My son got really upset that I would not buy him fireworks this year, although it was not really about the fireworks.  He started off just sulking but ended up in his room crying.  He told me he is tired of just 'making do' of not being able to afford things like games, how he had not gone for his learner's license as he knew we could not really afford it.  It hurt me so much to see and hear his pain.  He was way of mark on some points  such as his sister getting anything she wants while he gets nothing.  He forgot about the box of booze I spring for every time he goes to a party, the extra treats he gets in the groceries while she is away, etc.  I know those things are not much but they are something.  I cannot remember the last time I bought something for myself, but that is ok because it is what mothers do. 

It was odd to see him get so emotional about something like this when he is almost 18 and only a month away from leaving school and hopefully finding employment.

The upshot was that we wont be buying groceries this week so that he can have a new xbox game.  The deal is that he won't bitch about there being no nice food to eat and will just make do on the food front for the week so that he can get his game.

He has no idea just how close to the bone you live when on welfare and there is no way to really make him understand.  He seems to think there is some hidden source of cash and that he is the only one in the family to miss out.

I know on some level he was just being selfish but bottom line is he was hurting emotionally which in turn makes me feel guilty and hurt for not being able to provide them with the things other kids take for granted.

As I have decided I will be moving back to the North Shore next year I have begun the process of clearing out my junk.  I am the sort that clings to memories and it is just ridiculous.  I have letters and cards going back 30 years and when I thought about it I realized that they would mean nothing to the kids and hell even I could no longer remember a lot of people in the photo's I had kept since my teens.  I am being brutal because I simply am not prepared to haul this crap from rental to rental any more.

The kids do not realize I am also culling their belongings.  Hell my son has not even unpacked his stuff and we have been here since August.  My theory is that if it has not been unpacked he does not need it.  This kid has a box of empty beer bottles; his beer collection.  He has not added to it in over a year and I doubt he even remembers he has it.

Today however is a red letter day.  Today I am going to throw out the first of my clothes that are now too big for me.  Before my operation I was a size 28 and I am now wearing size 22 skirts which are already becoming a little loose but will likely suffice for another month or two.  Any skirts above a 22 are going to be thrown out!  I will keep the larger tops a bit longer as they still fit, albeit loosely, as I do not have much winter wear in the smaller sizes.

I do not want to spend a lot of money on clothes during the weight loss process as they would soon become redundant.  That being the case I have to get as much wear as possible out of my larger sizes, but when skirts that should be mid calf are dragging around my ankles it is time to ditch them!

On a totally different topic I had another four stray sheep on my property when I woke up this morning.  Absofreakinglutely brilliant!  I have not mowed my lawns once since first renting this house and they were just getting to the stage where it would have had to be done.

I weighed myself again today and IF my scales at home are accurate I have now lost 68.4lbs since my surgery and 90.4lbs in total.  It sounds so much better when stated in pounds, in kilo's it is 31 and 41kg

I just wish the price were not so high.  I manage to eat about half a handful of food 2-3 times a week, the rest of the time my stomach is simply too acidic to even attempt eating.  The pills they have given me for it are not helping so I really am not sure what to do.  I walk around with a bottle of baking soda and water which I sip whenever the acid gets too bad, but that is only a stop gap measure and I really need to get on top of it so that I can eat more regularly.

Today for the first time I have really noticed how low my energy levels are becoming so I need to push myself to try and eat a little more.  It is hard to do though when you feel so sick.  So much for the people I have met who had had a gastric sleeve and told me it was a piece of cake.  Oh to be them!

Dear god talk about cold. It is definitely brass monkey weather at the moment, what I wouldn't give to be living back in Texas right now!

This weekend we suffered an 'almost' weather bomb and the winds were horrific.  My house is on a full base and there are 15 stairs leading up to my deck.  I kid you not at one stage we sat and watched the entire deck lift about two inches.  I was just waiting for it to be ripped off the house.  That was the worst hit we took apart from going all Saturday night without power.

Yahtzee by candle light anyone?

I probably should not write in here today.  I am tired both literally and figuratively.  The literal is due to ongoing insomnia, while the figurative has to do with the caliber of people on this site.

I am tired of dom's in my city contacting me and suggesting a meeting.  I agree to meet and just never hear back from them again.  I am not saying they stand me up, they do not even get to the point that we agree on a meeting place and time.

The market (for want of a better word) is very limited in New Zealand and to come across this type of person again and again leaves me wondering why I give this site any credence or time.

I know all sites of this nature are the same so it is not a slight to CM itself but rather some of the people who frequent it.  I often take long breaks from CM and FL and perhaps it is time I did so again.

On a more cheerful note I have now lost 62lbs since my surgery, 84 if you include the weight I had to lose before they would accept me and put me on the list.  It is odd, I have long since been the biggest out of my siblings and myself and already find myself being the smallest.  It is going to seem really strange when I get down to my ideal weight and look at them and realize just how much I have lost.

Do you have any idea how annoying a sheep running up and down your deck (right outside the bedroom window) is? It is really annoying. Then add in the bleating and the fact that it is 5:30am and roast mutton is looking really tasty. I think I am now officially over living rurally.  I don't mind the rogue sheep and calves that come and keep my grass down but come on, running up and down on a wooden deck?  The damn thing did not even stay so I could have the lawn trimmed again.

I loathe sleep deprivation at the best of times but when it is at the hands of a damn sheep then heads will roll (if I ever catch the freaking sheep that is).

The next stage of my life is beginning. A life as a parent with no children left at home. How soon this will come about is anybody's guess but the process has begun.

My son sent in his application for the army this week and yesterday I took my daughter to the bus so she could stay with her boyfriend for two months.  They have a long distance relationship and this is the second time she will have stayed with him although last time it was only for one month.  They are talking about the possibility of moving in together next year.  If my son is successful with his application he will leave home early next year.

It cannot be this simple surely?  I am not the praying type but I am praying that it really is this simple.

Once one or both have gone I am moving back to civilization!

My life has pretty much been on hold these past few years as I chose to live rurally rather than interrupt the kids high school years and force a change of school on them and while I love the rural lifestyle it is just not practical.  There is absolutely no work up here, unless you are a farm hand or some such.  It costs me a fortune in gas to go anywhere; it is a 35-40 minute drive to the closest supermarket and having kids there is a lot of running around to be done.  Gas alone keeps me broke.

Most of all though I miss not having a social life, a lot of that is my fault as I have never been the sort to go out and leave the kids home on their own (stupid I know given their ages).  Even without factoring in the kids it is 40 minutes drive to the North Shore and an hour to the city so socializing is not easy to do when living in the boonies.

I cannot say that I have met any other people interested in bdsm living in the area, but hopefully all that will change when I move.  Right now it just seems to hard because of the distances involved.

Time for new adventures today; my kitchen sinks are blocked and it would cost a fortune to get a plumber all the way out here to fix it.  Given that I do not have a plunger I am going to try and take the pipes apart.  I knew god invented men for a reason and this is it!  The pitfalls of being unowned!

Wish me luck!

Damn but I am good. I fixed the sinks, I must admit to having taken off a few more pipes than I had to before finally removing the u bend, but I was hoping the blockage was further up the pipes.  Now to find the culprit that forced potato down the drain!

I forgot to add to today's entry that I have lost another 5kg that is now 25 since the op and 35 in total.  Go me!!!!

Today is a sad day, I sold some of my favorite toys.  The cash will buy a new tyre and do some other things to the car.  I lost control last week on the gravel road I live on and ended half way up a bank!  I can do without experiencing that again any time soon.  The new tyre will hopefully put a stop to that although I must admit that I end up drifting around a lot of the corners on this road - unintentionally of course.  I need to learn to slow down!!!!!

I cannot wait until I can move back to the Shore where the roads are actually tarsealed and more importantly; there are shops!!!!

Oh but I hate my kids. They know I take sleeping pills, they know if they wake me in the middle of the night there is only a 25% chance I will recall the conversation in the morning.

It is noon and my darling daughter has just informed me that we talked last night and I gave permission for some boy she knows online to come over at 1 (he is coming from over the other side so will already be on his way) and then for the two of them to go to my son's school play tonight and then over to this boy's house.  Oh and then there is the $20 I supposedly told her she could take out of my wallet.

GGRRRRRRRR

The only thing that annoys me more than that at the moment is being stuck with dial up.  I know I said I was grateful to have it, and I am.  It is so frustrating though trying to download anything, right now I am being told that I have 15 hours to wait for the last 47% of a 190MB file.  190MB!!!!!!

At least it seems as if I may have the house to myself for the night as I just got a text from my son asking if I can drop his cans of drink off after school as he has a party to go to.

I can get out the toys I am selling and get pics taken and then -try- to upload them so I can list them online.

A strange thing  happened a few weeks ago.  I let my son have a party and in the afternoon 3 of his mates turned up to help set up.  My son needed his car jump started so the boys (3 out of 4 owned cars) got out the jumper leads and then stood around  looking at me.  Not one of them knew how to use them.  Now I knew how in theory but had never actually done it so I gave it a go and I explained each step to them so they would know in future.  Naturally the car started but I was disappointed to see that not one of the boys, my own son included, had watched me do it or listened to me explaining the process to them

4 boys and yet the only female present had to do it, I had to show my son how to check his oil the other day as well.

I know he has not had a father in his life so try to make up for it where I can; I thought having to give him the wet dream, masturbation and sex talks was bad enough but now it seems I am meant to be all knowing about mechanics as well!

Lack of parental discipline is very obvious in my son who has been violent towards me at times, the last time punching me and then coming back and tipping the chair I was in over so I fell to the floor.  It scares me, he scares me when he is like that.  What scares me the most though is his lack of responsibility.  He would not apologize saying it was my fault, that I made him do it.  I tried to talk about lack of control and he believes that because he only punched me once he was under control.  Mind you this is not helped by his auntie on his dad's side who has indoctrined him to believe that his father only ever hit me when I drove him to it.

He is a good kid, but I am not blind to his many faults and this is part of the reason I am so anxious for him to join the military.  Not only will be life be a lot easier but I think the discipline will help him become the man I know he can be.

Wet, wet, wet and it is not the weather I am talking about!  I have just been looking at some labiaplasty pictures and dear god do I want this done - I have wanted it done ever since I saw pictures of it many years ago.

http://www.realself.com/photo/260548?offset=119&topic_id=31332

Isn't that pretty?

It has been a hellish two months since my weight loss surgery, although I  have lost 20kg which thrills me.  I am still unable to eat and am living on about 200-300 calories a day with very little protein included. 

Now to top it all off I have had a letter from my orthopedic surgeon saying I have to go for chromium and cobalt toxicity testing as the hip replacement he did has been found to allow metals to leak into the system.  I am positive that this has not happened with me as my hip was done 12 years ago though so am not too concerned.

The house we moved into is like an ice box and truly is in the middle of nowhere.  I have to drive 20 minutes to the local township which consists of a pub, a diary and a small takeaway come dairy.. oh and a booze store.  It is another 20 minutes drive to a town that includes a supermarket.  The views from my deck are to die for though, I look out over farmland and have superb views of the Kaipara Harbour.  I told the kids yesterday that we will be moving back to civilization as soon as I can fund another move, my son has exhibited a decided lack of interest in attending school and him not having to change schools was my sole motivation for staying in this area.  Now that that motivation has gone I want to get back to the shore where I have have a chance at getting back into paid employment.

Both kids are making noises about leaving home and the thought of being  on my own is amazing.  It sounds terrible, but I cannot wait.  My son offered to stay at school for another year so he could be with me in case I was scared of being on my own, I VERY quickly declined his generous offer!!!!!

Another day with internet.  I still do not have phone or net at home so am taking advantage of a hospital appointment this morning to get some time on the net at my parents who live close to the hospital I visit.

I am feeling -slightly- better today, definitely a vast improvement over last Friday when I had the camera shoved down my throat.  The surgeon admitted that my situation is 'abnormal' which is why I have to have further testing.  Last week after the endoscopy all they did was increase my reflux meds and change the anti nausea med. 

Today is just a regular check up with the surgical team who performed the operation and I hope to be told when the gastric swallow has been scheduled.  I really want this sorted out, it has been six weeks now and I should have been back on normal food, losing weight, and getting fit.  Instead I have put on some weight due to dehydration, feel like all I want to do is curl up and rest and I eat next to nothing because I am scared of what will happen if I do.

I could, up until 3 weeks ago literally feel the weight dropping off me and had last 15kg.  At least I will get weighed today and find out where I stand with that.  My local gp's scales showed a 3kg gain last week but I know that the scales in their surgery are not accurate, they  have a set in each room (about 12 in total) and all of them weigh different.

There are days I feel so bad physically that I wish I had not had this done, but I try to keep the big picture in mind - the day I go for a hike, the first time I buy a pair of jeans, etc.

Today is going to be a good day though, I am determined.  Tomorrow is going to be even better as I have a few friends coming around for drinks in my new house.  I have not fully unpacked because of being so ill but that is ok, they know what is happening and I will push myself a little harder tonight and tomorrow morning to get a bit more done.  Mind you I cannot drink with them - sad face - no drinking for me for a very long time because of the surgery.

Life is a bitch, and then you get skinny!

My life is in a state of flux and I am not on top of my financial situation, or any other so it seems some days.

I have thought about this a lot of late and have decided that until I regain control or at least some semblance of it that I have nothing to offer potential owners other than a body to beat on.  I would not take on someone with the sort of issues I am currently facing so why should I expect anything other than the same from others.  I feel that I would be a liability to a relationship rather than an asset. 

Getting myself back into the work force will be a major hurdle because of where I live, the jobs that would pay enough for me to not only support my teens but also make progress on my debts are just too far away.  Travel costs would be prohibitive, so I definitely need to make some changes.  This will however have to be based on my son's decision as to whether he wishes to return to school for year 13 if he does not get accepted into the military this  year.  I doubt he will as he has pretty much flunked year 12 because of disinterest, but I have learned to never try to anticipate what teenagers will do!

I accept that the corrections I need to make will be ongoing and take some time and while I hate the idea of putting my inner self on hold, I do not wish to become a liability to someone else.  I love writing here though so once I finally manage to get net on where we have moved I will likely continue my journal and keep in touch with those I consider friends on CM.

Either that or I could go stand on a street corner until I earn 10K so I can get my finances sorted, a semi reliable vehicle, etc.  - not happening lol I realize some guys like big chicks but not quite that much!

Down on the Shore for the night so taking advantage of having net.  I have dropped 15kg so far, but the aftermath of the surgery has been far from pretty.  Just had a Gastroscopy today and next week have to go for a barium meal to see why I am not able to keep anything down.

I have made some serious decisions after my future as a slave but need to go offline for a while so may talk more about it later tonight.

Dear god I just found that one of the meds they have put me on today helps to induce lactation!  so not what I need lol  A couple of years ago I would have leapt at the chance but not so much now !

Going AFK for a while and not sure when back.  Will be moving and then will have to wait to get internet connected which could be a while as it is very rural so not many connections.

I am not sure how much weight I have lost but did weigh myself quickly at the gp's last week so am guessing I am now at about the 15kg mark.  next week I see the dietician so will get an accurate weight, and hopefully some advice on this reflux.  I have all but given up their after surgery diet as 95% of the items listed give me reflux.  I feel miserable but just try to keep the big picture of the forefront of my mind.  A few months of being unwell is ultimately a small price to pay for getting my health and figure back.

I am able to start moving into our new house on Friday and typically my kids do not look as if they will be available to help :(

Still need to find someone with a towbar and access to a caged trailer who can help out for a couple of hours either friday or saturday moving the bigger stuff.

OMG finally we have a house.  I sign the lease on Thursday.  It is in the middle of nowhere which the kids and I love.  We have beautiful views over the Kaipara Harbour from the decks and also the Gibbs Farm Sculpture Park which is one of the world's leading sculpture parks.

The house is nothing flash, it is simply a family home which is exactly what we want.  It has a house behind it and then the other boundaries are farmland.  We will be equidistant to Helensville, Silverdale and Warkworth.

I am actually thinking that if my son does get into the military in February then my daughter and I may become somewhat nomadic and travel the country a little.  There are plenty of fully furnished homes in the smaller towns at very reasonable rentals and we could stay a couple of months and then when the mood took us move on.

It seems a good way to see a little more of the country and as I have no other obligations I think it might be an exciting yet realistic way of seeing more of it.

Well I went to the doctor this morning and he said things are pretty serious but is willing to let me stay home for a couple of days to see if we can get on top of things.  If there is no improvement by tomorrow he will contact my surgeon to see how he wishes to treat things and if by Thursday things are no better he wants me back in hospital.

I am hoping I can get on top of things myself as I just got the news that we have a new house so need to get everything ready for moving.  This is not the time to be ill!

Where there is a will there is a way.

Wow talk about a bad few days, last night I was ready to get up this morning and go to the A&E.  Things seem to have settled a little though so I will hold off.  I feel exhausted though but unfortunately my sleeping pills are one of those things that are turning my stomach to pure acid and not staying down. 

All this to be slim - I know it will be worth it though, it is not about being slim it is about being healthy and a few days of being ill is a small price to pay.

Ok a partial 'big reveal'   New facial pic, no boobs, no booty, no flesh, no excitement sorry.  Those may come as I lose more weight, although I doubt it, I am not into ass shots and the like.

A little difficult to get even this considering my son borrowed my cam that had a remote and articulated screen so I could take pics of myself if I wished.  While he had it he managed to drop it, buying a new camera is definitely not in my budget, particularly not one of the value I had.

Back to the subject, this is two weeks post op, this time last week I was down 8kg on my pre-op weight but not sure what it is today.

I have had a slight epiphany.  Once my son leaves, which should be within 6 months) I do not need to stay here.  I would not leave NZ because of my daughter but as far as NZ is concerned the world is my oyster.  She would not mind moving, I hope, and either way will probably only be with me for another year.

I have seen little of NZ and most trips were business ones, but I think I would like to head south.  Settle for a year until she leaves and then decide what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Exciting!  I would like to stay here for 6 months regardless just so I can follow up all post operative appointments and care.

I have been thinking about the future just lately.  Things will take a major change of direction when my son leaves home within the next few months (if he gets into the military).  After that I give it perhaps a year until my daughter also flies the coop and I will be on my own.

Don't get me wrong, I like myself and love solitude at times so living without the mayhem of teenagers is not going to make me feel lonely, unloved, depressed, etc.  Instead I am looking at is as an opportunity to remake myself.  I guess the weight loss surgery is part of that, even if it was motivated by other reasons.

There really is a very slim chance of meeting like minds as far as kink goes in NZ, we have a small population and add to that a small 'scene', not that I am really a scene person.  Living rurally narrows the odds down even further as it means I am basically reliant on the internet or need to move back to the city.

I have decided that looking further afield is perhaps something that could be investigated.  I lived overseas for four years previously, so why not again?  I am thinking I will look at Australia as it is close enough for the kids and I to visit sometimes and also my sister and her children and grandchildren are all moving over there in 1 - 1.5 years.  My nephew and his partner made the move about 6 months ago.  It is a definite possibility that I need to give some serious consideration to.

I am applying for a house today, wish me the best.  It is rural and in the district I wish to be in.  I so badly need to get out of here.  I know I am a little slow with things since the operation, but even just running the house would relieve that. 

Well I saw it this morning and want it so badly, it is nothing fancy but it has a real feeling of home to it.  The owner raved about the views but typically we were fogged in.  I have been in that area before and the views are amazing.  The property is next to a working farm and is very quiet.  All things we love.

If you are the praying sort, get out your mat and turn towards mecca, light a candle or whatever it is you do.  We need this so badly.

Okay so I finally became curious (it's a girl thing) and took one of the many bdsm quizzes out there.  The judgement is in:

Submissive 100%

Degradation 100%

Experimental 89%

Masochist 82%

Bondage 71%

Exhibitionist/Voyeur 61%

Sadist 29%

Vanilla 14%

Dominant 0%

Not sure where the sadist came from as I will step up and take punishment to protect others from harm.  Unless of course they consider cruelty to small.... I won't go there!

Today is one of those days where the old Animals lyrics 'we've gotta get out of this place' have never been more true.

I am going up to look at a house tomorrow and there are a couple of others that while not quite ideal may do, I will try and get appointments to see them either tomorrow or later this week.  I simply cannot stay here any longer.  I am not a stressful person by nature but dear god I feel as though things will well and truly boil over if I do not get away from here.

Wish me luck!

I find myself wanting to wear a dress (once I have lost more weight), a sensual feminine dress.  One that shows a hint of what lays beneath without being blatant.

I find myself wanting to wear skin tight jeans and a tightly laced bone corset, in the right place and at the right time.

I find myself wanting lace lingerie, perhaps a shelf bra, something that flashes a little cleavage or something that hides behind lace flesh that is owned by another.

I find myself wanting to wear necklaces, watches, etc that are far more feminine than I have ever wanted before.

I find myself a chrysalis eagerly awaiting the transformation into a beautiful play thing, a wonderful slave, a woman as at home in her skin as a slave is on her knees.

Even though it has only been a week I find myself wanting all these things more than I ever have and these are just a few of the things the slowly emerging new me wants.

I feel myself changing as the weight falls, in good ways I hope.

Can someone remind me why I became a mother?  Oh that's right I was married to someone that wanted them.

My son has driven me completely insane, I feel like I am at the pointing of tearing my hair out this weekend.  I just helped him purchase his ever ever rust bucket errrrm car.

I have spent the entire weekend looking up facts and figures, legalities, etc.  He asks me to find one thing and before I even begin he is asking me to look up the rest. 

It will be a while before he can get it on the road and legal, the first problem being finding an after school job.  Since this means he will have to get off his proverbial butt I am not holding my breath on that one.  One thing I am however sure of is that I am not going to sink another cent into this venture.  It is time this first born child of mine finds out about being independent and working for what you want.

Here's hoping he gets in the Army at the end of the year.  He has made up his mind, now it is a case of us finding out the necessary information and bringing him up to grade before we apply.

One down, one to go! Soon my life will be mine, or will it?

I am not sure whether I should be flattered or not.  One of my daughter's new friends has asked me to her 15th birthday (alcohol allowed, etc).  She is a pretty out there kid, if she walked past a magnet it would take several hours to prise her off it, due her numerous facial piercings.

Anyway she sent me an invite via facebook events and I was taken aback to say the least.  Her one and only visit to us ended in disaster with her running way threatening suicide (related to someone being mean to her online).  We had cops all over the place that night.

I looked at the event page and it went like this:

My daughter:  yaaaa my mom is coming

Friend:  well yeah, she is really cool

My daughter: indeed

I picked my daughter up from her place on Friday and asked were there at least going to be other adults, only to be told that yeah there would be 3 21 year old guys there.

I feel so old!!

I am used to my son's friends inviting me to their parties, but they are in the 18+ age group!

This however is crazy.  I am glad my daughter is not that young anymore!

It is becoming increasingly frustrating finding a house.

I was meant to view one today, and it was a dump, but at least it was in the area I wanted.  It was gone before I even got to look.  Houses are so rarely listed in the area it is near impossible.  If my son gets into the army he will be leaving home in February and the world will be my oyster, the world contained within Auckland city that is.

Okay I know you are not here to read about mothers but dear god mine is one of a kind and I sometimes wish they had broken the mold BEFORE she had been born.  Don't get me wrong I love her dearly but she is hard work.  As some of you know I am living with her and my Dad while I try and find a rental house in the one horse town we choose to live in.

Today I thought I would take her shopping because at 85 she does not get out much.  Now my mother can never say a good word about anyone,  including her three kids.  As you can imagine people are not beating down her door to visit with her.  She knows everything and I do mean everything.

So, here we are driving along, I am ignoring everything she says as she does not actually need anyone to comment on her rants.  I decide to take the scenic route, about 30km out of the way (that is code for I missed the turn off and got lost).  We do the shopping, after I finally find the shopping centre and we are off home.

Oh I forgot to tell you my mother has degrees in every subject known to man including road design apparently.  Of course all this knowledge came from the University of Life.

We are on the motorway and I swear to god she suddenly says that the road planners had made a HUGE mistake by not putting cycle lanes on the freaking motorway.  I mean to say can you imagine the damage if it came to vehicle doing 100-130km/hr and a cyclist?  I would be picking flesh out of my grill for months to come.

This woman also knows medicine apparently.  I can remember as a child her telling me that whatever reason the doctors had given for her mother's death was wrong, my mother was certain it was cancer.  Bad huh?  Well it gets worse, not only did her mother have this undiagnosed cancer but she believes the nursing staff euthanized her mother to put her out of her misery.  It does not seem to occur to her that my grandmother may have had issues because of her weight, this woman was so obese she could only leave the house once a week.

You have no idea how much I want to find a house again, my sanity is at stake here!

Okay you can all heap accolades on me now.  I had my first visit to the surgeon since my operation.

Are you ready?  All hearing aids turned on, radioactive devices turned off?  Are you sitting down?

I lost 8 kilo's (16.5lbs) in my first week.  Over a stone!  I cannot believe it.

I went to a cafe and pigged out on a ... cup of tea in celebration!

Today is a two journal day, I know, special right?

I was reading other people's journals and was astounded at how many sub's posts were filled with vitriolic, nasty comments.

I can swear with the best of them, please do not think this is me being high and mighty because I am far from that type of person.  It just seemed to cheapen them somehow putting words and comments like that out in an open arena.  Yes some dominants like a slave who talks filth but I am sure that even they have a time and place that they approve of that language.

I remember my ex owner removing the word 'no' from my vocabulary for having said it to him once too often.  That was bad enough, I would hate to be taken to task for simple bad language.  It is far easier to refrain from swearing and being nasty than to try and think of words/phrases to use instead of the word no. 

I know it is only a small thing, but to me it makes a huge difference.

I still have not put my nipple rings, or even ear rings, back in after my operation.  While I can move about quite freely I seem to lack the energy for small fiddly things like that.  My nipples have been pierced for years so it should not hurt to have the rings out for a couple of weeks.

I put a skirt on today that has a seam that came halfway down my stomach prior to starting this whole process.  Since beginning the liquid diet almost 4 weeks ago and having the surgery the seam now falls half way down my behind.  Mind you that could be because most of my stomach was removed rather than weight loss.  I am meant to see the surgeon sometime this week and will get weighed then.  I am anxious to see how much I have lost.  It is heartening to see the difference in clothes though.

I have a new goal, to drink a cup of coffee in less than an hour.  Currently it takes two hours and several reheats in the microwave.  Oh to have my old stomach back!

I had my operation on Wednesday and came home Friday night after spending 5 hours insisting that they discharge me. 

I did not get the gastric bypass that I wanted, instead they did a gastric sleeve.  Essentially they removed 80-90% of my stomach and the remainder was shaped into a tube or sleeve.  I am scared, this method means that my stomach can stretch back to its current size if I do not eat correctly and monitor amounts.  I failed at that shit previously otherwise I would never have reached a size where I needed surgery.  If I do it right I can lose a lot but it is going to take more self discipline than I have shown to date.

I am sore and tired but so frustrated, I want to be up and about and doing my normal things.  I walked down the road yesterday halfway to the local dairy.  I could have gone further but the keyword there was 'down' the return journey back up the hill pushed me to the limit and slightly over so I will have to drive to flatter ground for my walks I think.

Watch out boys there will soon be a new chick in town, well ok not soon but maybe soonish!

One hour to go until I leave for the hospital.  I only hope to hell I have packed enough books.  I meant to take all my piercings out last night but bah I will do it the day of the surgery.

I am going to stop writing now because I am nervous and I talk to much when I get like this.

I have been taking weekly photo's since the day I first started the liquid diet which is the preparation for my surgery.  I wear the same outfit and take three pictures; profile, back and front.  This week I was really excited that I could actually see a change in the pictures.  I had known I was losing weight by the feel of my clothes but seeing it was thrilling.

Thinking about it today I did some calculations and realized that since first beginning this venture with the very first doctors appointment I have lost 29lbs.  As much as I still have to lose I have to admit that today I was proud of my effort to date.  If I feel like this now, imagine how I am going to feel when I can say that my weight loss is up to 100lbs!

Bring it on!

Thankfully I am back on an even keel emotionally today which is good.  Yesterday was definitely not the norm and it was hard to understand what was going on let alone coping with it.

I just realized that I only have 2 more days on my diet shakes and then that is it.  It will be water only for the first 2-3 days after my surgery and then we will introduce small amounts of half strength shakes in each day.  It is going to be 2-3 weeks until I am at the point of beginning to add soft foods.

It is going to be worth it though, I just need to remember the pair of levi's I want to wear, my first ever, and the long bush walk I want to undertake.  To go with the levi's I will one day own I already have 4 stunning tops and I just need to picture myself in those outfits whenever the going gets tough.

As much as I would like to find an owner I am realistic enough to know that that endeavour will likely go on the back burner while I recover and concentrate on creating a new and healthier lifestyle for myself.  In the end I can only be a better slave, fitter and more able to serve.

I have had the oddest day and I really feel confused.  I went to a cafe and whilst reading a magazine I cried which is just not me at all.  I have been remembering old hospital stays again not usual for me.  I tend to look forward not back.  Remembering surgeries I had at 13 and 14 is not going to change anything next week.  Hell they were worse than what I am having done, but I cannot get them or my hip replacement  out of my mind. 

I have had moments of pure rage towards people and moments of feeling incredibly submissive.

If I were still menstruating I would have guessed at pms but nope. 

I have absolutely no idea what is going on with my head.  I am almost crying as I write this and would give anything for there to be someone 'there for me' at the moment.  Perhaps that is what it is.  As a child I had my parents when I had my operations, as an adult I had my husband when I had my hip done.  This time there is no-one.  Sure my parents are here but I refuse to lean on them for support, they are old and it is their time to be looked after, not look after me.  My kids are only teens and in fact both will be away with friends and I probably wont see them for about 3 weeks when I will hopefully be up to driving up to visit them.  -chuckles-  This time I am getting a taxi both in and out of hospital and have told mum she is not to visit.  She is 85 and I am not having her catching buses in the middle of winter to see me, that is not fair to her.

Bleh I just need to get over myself and get on with taking care of shit, it is what parents do.  Tomorrow for shits and giggles I am going to top up the transmission fluid in my van.  I hate that I even know how to do that let alone have to do it but such is life.

Wow this post has been a real pity party.  I am going to stop writing while I am ahead.

Day Ten: One confession

Dear God what couldn't I confess to, best make it a good one.

I do not regret anything I have done or has happened to me in my life.  Some of it has been downright horrible, but (you knew there was a but, right?) I would not be who I am today had those things not happened.

The past shapes the future and I hope that out of the mire that is my past I have become a good person who cares for and protects others.

I hope to always be a work in progress, changing and evolving today from the events of yesterday.

I have spent a lot of time lately wondering what it will be like in 12 months time when I will have lost most of my weight.

I am a positive person by nature but also a realist.  I have lost count of the number of people on CM who say I am curvy or a BBW and I respond that no, I am fat.  Let's face it the government does not pay for curvy people to have weight loss surgery, you have to be morbidly obese.  I never play down my size, it is what it is.  I have then gone on to meet a few who has said they did not care, particularly given that I was going to do something about it, only to have them say that my weight was an issue when they saw me.

Then of course there are the profiles that honestly state the person does not like BBW's.  While I appreciate their honesty it still smarts.

I try to be non-judgmental, we all are judgmental to some extent, and even if I do not like a person's pic I will still talk with them and sometimes meet.  It is the person beneath the exterior that interests me.

In the 10 day list I am currently writing on day one you had to write 10 things you wanted to say to people.  One of mine was "if you do not like who I am now I will not like you when I become who I want to be"  In other words if you judged me solely on my size you are not going to be someone I like when size is no longer an issue.

I wonder how many of these people and those who put in their profile about not liking BBW will suddenly find me of interest when I have lost my weight.  How will I react to them, I will certainly have some major reservations to say the very least.

Day 9: Two Universal Truths

1. The meaning of life is 42
2. Even in a perfect world someone would complain

Today is D Day, my last visit to the hospital before I am admitted next Tuesday for the surgery on Wednesday.  It feels like it has taken so long to reach this point, but finally I am here.  After two weeks on a liquid diet I am not sure how much weight I have lost but it is enough that my clothes fall lower on my body, the skirt I wore yesterday was down to my ankles when I always fell to mid calf before.  I can see that my boobs are shrinking as well.

I am scouting out the local gyms looking for one that will let me have casual membership as the surgeon said the best exercises were resistance ones, they will build muscle faster which in turn will lesson the amount of excess skin I may be left with.  I am also moisturizing my entire body daily as several women on message boards believe it helped them with this issue.

Such a big thing, I went into it blindly just thinking the op would fix everything but that is far from being the case.  The bypass is simply another tool to help me lose the weight, the rest is up to me.

Day Eight: Three turn-ons

1.  Intelligence
2.  Strength of Character
3.  Sense of Humour

Day Seven: Four turn-offs

1.  Idiocy in any form
2.  Bad grammar
3.  Men who think they are Billy Bad Ass and I should fall to my knees
4.  People who judge me based on my size.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

1.  My parents
2.  My Kids
3.  A dominant I became very close to while in TX
4.  The man who taught me to fully understand what I am
5.  The person I pass on the street that takes the time to smile and say hello as they pass me.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done

1.  Give up my virginity so young

2.  Married my ex - long, nasty story

3.  Raised my children without enough discipline in their lives.

4.  Bought a European car.

5.  Become a beneficiary

6.  Left school as early as I did

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot

1.  being owned again.  

2.  convincing my kids to move out

3.  what can i learn today

4.  how scared i am about the operation

5.  finding a house

6.  getting through the week

7.  how i wish my life to change/improve

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart

1.  Intelligence is close to the top for me, your intelligence will turn me on.
2.  humour
3.  A quiet strength that requires no self aggrandizement.  You simply know you are dominant and it does not take a loud voice, a litany of foul language or any other tool for that strength to be recognized.
4.  Knowing you wish a slave not a wife.
5.  Empathy and a caring nature towards others.
6.   A mindset that allows few compromises or changes of heart.
7.  Being tall is a bonus and even a little younger than me
8.  Being able to behave appropriately to your current situation, and easily transitioning to the next situation you encounter.

Ten Day List - Day Nine

Nine things about yourself

1. I am, not to state the obvious, fat.  in two weeks though that will begin to change.

2.  I have waist length hair, currently dyed black.

3.  I adore the written word and love finding words I do not knowing and finding out their meanings.

4.  I am so ready for my kids to leave home.  17 years of parenthood is enough for me.

5. Although born and raised a city girl, I am finding I love the rural life.

6.  I cannot wait to add colors to my wardrobe instead of feeling obliged to wear black.

7.  I trust too easily and help too much up to and including taking in teenagers in emotional need at times.  The last one suffered ptsd, was a cutter, etc, and I kept her with me for 6 months before pushing her out the door when I felt she was well enough to begin to become more independent and she is doing so well I am so happy for her.

8.  For someone who calls themself a slave my life is chaotic and I am at times not very organized which seems at odd with the ideals I feel I should try to adhere to.

9.  I hate lists and -never- write them so why am I doing this one!

I just found this and thought I might also do it. Apparently it is making the rounds at the moment, but it really rather appeals to me.

Day one: Ten things you would like to say to someone right now
Day Two: Nine things about yourself
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs
Day Eight: Three turn-ons
Day Nine: Two universal truths
Day Ten: One confession

On that note here is my Day one list:

1. I would like a beating, feel like helping me?

2. I do not always show that I love you, but I do.

3. If you do not like me for who for I am now, I am not going to like you when I
become who I want to be.

4. I will help you in any way I am able to.

5. I am your mum and it is ok that you do not like me now, I know there will
come a time when that changes.

6. For fucks sake do not interact with me right now, it is STILL morning.

7. Someone please, for the sake of my sanity, gag my mother

8. Will you be there when I wake up from my operation?

9. If I love you tonight, will you love me tomorrow?

10. Don't push me, I do and will bite.

I know some of those sound trite but with the exception of no. 1 they are not.  Several of them are things I would very much like to say right now to the people who are about me at the moment.  Others are things that I would like to say to special people in my life presently.  The remainder are perhaps things I would like to say to someone who enters my life in the future.

Here's your sign!

That is what I should have said to the idiot on FL that wrote to me telling me how much he liked my profile.  I had deleted it earlier in the day so it was blank!

DUH

Reading comes before writing, even in the alphabet!

I have decided that when thinking about how much weight I want to lose I am going to use metrics but when I talk to others about how much I -have- lost I will use imperial.  It sounds so much better to say I have lost 28lbs rather than 12.5 kg!  That is since the beginning of this whole drama mind you.  Since starting the optifast last Thursday I am down 2.5kg.

I got the surgeons ok today for it all to happen on the 11th of July.  -preens-  This has been such a long battle but finally hope is in sight.

It is such a wet and miserable day I think I am going to stay inside and read, I cannot think of many things I would rather be doing on a day like this unless they included adult rated activities!

It has been four days on the liquid diet now and I have cheated on 3 of them.  That is it!  I have had my indulgences and no more.  One day I had coffee and scrambled eggs on toast at the local cafe, I made up for it by not having any of my diet shakes at all that day, but still.  :(   Time to get my shit together and do this properly!

I will be seeing the surgeon tomorrow for his go ahead, unfortunately it will be someone I have not met before so that may delay things.  Hopefully though all will go well.  Next Thursday I have to meet up with the anaesthetists -again- for his approval.  I had this approval given 5 freaking months ago but because of the hospitals screw up over surgery dates and my surgeons dragging of his feet it is now out of date and I have to do it again.

One of my biggest fears through all of this is of being slim and attractive again.  How sad is that lol  As the victim of sexual abuse when young my weight has been in many ways a psychological safety barrier for me.  Who is going to hurt a fat chick when the one next to her is slim type thing.  I know that is not true but the mind can do strange things.  So, yes, being slim again is a doubled edge sword for me.  I actually had second thoughts about having the operation because of this one fear.  Not happening!  I am not the person I was back then and this operation is for me!  I am not going to let historic abuse stop me from being the person I want to be.

It has taken me a long time to reach this point and by god I am not giving up on this for anyone!

Well fuck my life!  I have no kids tonight, am stuck at my parents and have nowhere to go.  Sucks to be me.

All my friends live about 40 minutes away so getting together for drinks is a little difficult until I move back up to Rodney.  That and the fact that my best friend's road is being shut tomorrow for a rally.  Means I cannot go up and have a few drinks and stay the night as I usually would.

Guess I will be watching TV!

Today is the first day of the rest of my life!  Today I start on the liquid diet in preparation for my surgery, so for the next three weeks I will be having 3 shakes a day for a total of 450 calories.  The rationale behind it is that it is very low fat, almost completely, which shrinks the liver.  The liver has to be lifted during the operation so they want it as small and as light as possible to reduce chances of it rupturing.

Next week I will get the final go ahead (or not) to have the op and then if all goes well it will be done on July 11.  It is going to actually be 5-6 weeks before I eat anything, and even then it will be soft mushy food.  That is a little scary but it is a small price to pay for getting not only my body back but also my life.

I keep wondering what a caning or bondage etc will feel like when I am slim again.  It will be a completely new experience!  I must admit I am looking forward to it though.

My nipples, like my fingers, are considering whether to fall off now or wait an hour or two and see if it gets any colder.  What I wouldn't give to be back in Texas right now.  I have had enough of the cold already. 

I think that even if I had a play date tonight I would likely cancel it because it is just too damn cold to go out.  Well, maybe not but it sounded good!

I want my tits tied and caned!  I want some pretty bruises on my skin but I am fast running out of time to have it done.   :(

I am going crazy living here.  I do appreciate my parents putting my daughter and I up until I find another house up Kaukapakapa way but dear god it is hard.  My daughter and I are sharing a home and on the whole it is not too bad, but when I go to bed at night I like to read and she likes to read as well, only her reading is reading things of the internet to me.  I end up reading the same couple of sentences in my book over and again before I give up.

As for my parents - let's just say they are mid 80's and hard to live with.  That is actually an understatement but I am being polite.

There is a chance that we could get to rent the house behind the local pub up KKK and while that would not be ideal I would certainly take it.  Anything to get back into a place of our own.

I was going to have a nice session last night, it would have been my last before my surgery as I cannot really turn up covered in bruises.  Unfortunately the dom involved had the flu so it was cancelled.  It sucks to be me!

I do not know how long it will be before I can play after the surgery so am expecting quite a dry spell!

This time next week I will start my diet shakes, I wont be eating food again until about a week after my operation at which time I will start adding soft food to my liquid diet.

The week after next I will be seeing the surgeon.

Two weeks after that I have be having the bypass done.

It has been such a long year waiting for this and now the waiting is almost done, I can barely believe it.

Busy day today, I went out to get my brakes done but the idiots had given me the wrong type of discs.  I will be seeing if my nephew can do them over the weekend.

My son's school ball is tomorrow and he is wearing a bright yellow morphsuit, with an awesome smiley face tie I found, while his date is wearing a beautiful ball dress.  How he even begins to think that is appropriate is beyond me.

My daughter asked if she could move out when she is 16, I said yes.  I always knew she would leave young, she is very independent even if not very worldly.  She I think will not come back, she will find a way to make things work even if she does not fully understand them.  My son on the other hand I believe will try and come back off and on once he leaves.  I doubt I would allow it, particularly with him.

LOL  wow I just realized that if things keep on like this then by this time next year I will not only be slim but also childless!  What an exciting thought.

My optifast just turned up.  My heart is racing, this is definitely going to happen.  Optifast is a meal replacement drink and I have to use it for 3 weeks before my surgery so that my liver shrinks.

Having it in my possession is the icing on the cake, having this here means it is really happening and nothing can stop it now - well unless I do something particularly stupid.

I am going to be slim!!!

HAWT!!!

The other day I was thinking of either getting a tattoo or a piercing and checked out some pics of piercings.  I was just having another look and damn but some of them are sexy.  I am sitting here feeling extremely turned on.

The only problem is that I suddenly realized that I probably should not get either thing until I have lost my weight and my skin has returned to its former elasticity (as much as it can anyway).  

What a bummer!

There was quite a nice lip piercing though that I could get earlier.

I will have to think on it for a bit.

I have never really been big on piercings but damn I could get several after the pics I looked at today.  Thank god I am too old for most of them or I would gain back the weight I lose in metal!  lol

A boob is a boob, is a boob - or is it?

Seen one, seen them all - or have you?

I was reading an article last night by a woman whose breast size was the same as mine (52FFF).   She had a breast reduction and the breast tissue removed weighed in at a massive 12lbs.  Can you imagine losing 12lb of boobs?   She did not say what size she went down to unfortunately but wow.

Just think after I have had my operation and lost all my weight I will likely be in her situation (not that I will ever know how much of my weight loss was breast).  I am looking at losing about that same amount of weight from my boobs alone, that is almost a stone!

I am just struggling to come to terms with numbers like that.  I cannot wait to lose my weight but woah 12lbs just from my boobs!!!!

My son has a lot to learn.  We were on the phone last night and the told me that once we found a house I had to let his 38 year old druggie/alchoholic cousin (on his father's side) live with us.  I told him that who lived with us was not his decision to make.  He promptly replied that if I said no he would move out.  I told him that that was his decision and if he wanted to go he could.  I was not emotional or angry but I really do mean that.  He is 17 years old and even though he is in school he could move out and get the independent youth benefit and still stay in school. 

It is horrible to say but I would be glad if he went.  I love him dearly but he is definitely my problem child.  His behaviour for the most part is good and we could on really well but he has the capability of being really viscous and nasty and on occasion gets physical.  He has no sense of responsibility whatsoever and nothing is ever his fault.  Having to live by his own means might bring about a sense of respect in him but unfortunately I doubt it will ever change his lack of self control.

I did not realize that I did not have more of my pictures on this profile so put a couple more up today.  I need to get some new ones done but before that can happen I need to replace the camera that my son broke when he dropped it.

I think the most excitement I am going to have today is buying a couple of nose studs!   Woot - I might need a sedative to calm down after that!

My life has hit a new low - chuckles - I hate living out of freaking suitcases and today is one of those days that strengthens that emotion.  I have just put every skirt I have with me into the wash without realizing I had nothing left to wear.

There is no clothes drier here so it looks like a day of sitting around in a nightie grrrrrrrr

My fault though and I have to admit it is a little funny.

OMG it looks as if my weight loss surgery is truly going to go ahead next month.   I am sitting here shaking.  This is a dream come true, a nightmare about to begin.  This is huge! 

I found a photo of myself when I was about 16 and showed it to my kids without telling them it was me.  My son and his mates actually drooled over it wanting to know who the 'hot chick' was.  To think that I might one day be near to that weight again is just unbelievable. 

I know a lot of people think this is the easy option, I know I used to but that is far from true.  I need to commit to regular monitoring, lifelong six-monthly blood tests and daily multivitamin and mineral tablets as well as monitoring my protein intake and several other 'rules' around my eating. The upshot however is that I can lose up to 70 percent of excess body weight with this procedure.

I have proven to myself over and again that I do not have enough self discipline to do this on my own so have chosen this route.  It is almost a year now since I first saw the surgeon and I was beginning to think this day would never come!!!

I have found a new torture for recalcitrant slaves!  Make them move back with their parents for a while.  On a pain scale of 1-10 it rates as about 100.

I am here while I try and find another house up Helensville or Kaukapakapa way but they are far and few between and those that do become available seem to be owned by people that have an aversion to teens.  My daughter and I are down here on the Shore while my son remains in Parakai so he can attend school without disruption. 

I would give anything to get out of here, my mother manages to drive me to new levels of despair and insanity daily.  Perhaps she is taking some form of perverse pleasure from it!

It has been an expensive week what with my sons school ball next weekend.  I have had to buy him a morph suit, pay for the ticket and still need to get him shoes and paint.  Then just to add to my misery the brakes on the van have starting making some atrocious grinding noise so looks like they will kill what is left of this week's budget completely.

I also just purchased my first two weeks worth of Optifast as I need to take it for 3 weeks before my weight loss surgery and as my surgery is going to be either July or August I need to have it ready, in fact my surgeon told me to buy it when I saw him two weeks ago.  I will buy another two weeks worth next week.  Just think what I will look lik 12 months from now, watch out world Carolyn is going to be on the prowl!  Not really but I will be doing bush walks and bike riding and buying lots of new clothes.  Unfortunately on the clothes part I am one of the few women I know that detests shopping so that is going to be a little painful, but it will be nice to be able to fit mainstream clothes!

As a parent every day is an adventure.  Today I was a hunter, taking on the wildlife and wielding a mighty sword in an effort to save my children from head lice.  I mean to say what the fuck, they are both college age, how the hell are they getting nits?   I will let you in on something new I learned from the exercise though, it is really damn hard to treat yourself for head lice when you have waist length hair!!

My scalp is itchy just thinking about it.

Here it is Friday night and I am at home, sucks to be me.  Just kidding!  I enjoy my life for the most part and today is no different.  I was actually meant to be going out to play with someone I met off the other site last weekend.  The coffee was good if nothing else, seems I have been stood up though.  At least I had picked up on that fairly early in the week so there were no big surprises there.  I do have some rum here and could have a drink or two if I wished but I really only drink in social situations.

Oh my god life on the shore is like being on vacation after living in Rodney for so long, there are so many shops!!!!!  Now if only I had the cash to buy something for myself, oh well beggars cannot be choosers - literally in this case.  Just think of all the new clothes I am going to have to start buying for myself once I have had my operation.  Big WOOT

Truth be told though I am looking forward to getting back to Rodney, my life feels a little like it  is on hold right now.

Words of wisdom from one who knows:   Never ever ever ever let your teenagers use your laptop.  My son used mine last week, within minutes of him getting on it was suddenly missing the down arrow key - and he is no kid, in fact he just turned  17 today.  Last night it was my daughter's turn.  My speakers and mouse now no longer work and I loathe having to use the touchpad.  They are having problems with their laptops but they do still work, I should have just said no.  It is hard though they are so bloody minded when they want something.

I am still on the hunt for a decent cell phone, the mic has gone on mine so I cannot use it for calls.  I had found one but have changed my mind.  There are just so many to choose from, it is so freaking hard.

I am buying my optifast this week ready for my weight loss surgery.  When I saw the surgeon last week he told me to get it in ready along with my vitamin pills.  I hope this means that when I see him in 5 weeks time he will actually set the date for the operation.  It is hard to imagine that this time next year I will look completely different; exciting though, this operation will open a whole new world up for me.

You know, having teens keeps me young. I was thinking about evolution the other day and from there I began to think about the evolution of the spoken language. You almost need a guide to converse with teens nowadays.

If something is slightly amusing you say "lol" there is no need to actually laugh whereas if something is hilarious you say 'lol, fucking lol as' followed by raucous laughter.

If I see a guy I fancy it is passe to say "he's hot" instead I need to say "I'd tap that"

We all know 'wassup' this has now permutated into 'Up" accompanied by a nod of the head, if you want to show off your masculinity you say 'Up G" How the addition of a single letter makes you any tougher than anyone else is beyond me.

Teaching them to drive is fun as well, I actually enjoy it for the most part and have never felt the need to yell at either of them for making mistakes. Soon they will be able to drive mum home on a Friday night!

Dear God house hunting is getting old, we cannot seem to find what we want, where we want it and on the rare occasions that we do we do not get it.  We have to move again next weekend and as of today I am not sure where we will go, although I do have a couple of options I can look at.

I came to the realization this week that my kids are old enough for me to begin to claw back some semblance of a life independent of theirs.  They are certainly old enough for me to go out at night for a few hours, hell they are old enough for me to stay out all night but I am not comfortable doing that to them as yet.

Grrr I so want to get a house out here, I love the area  and the KKK pub is a bonus.  I am beginning to meet the locals and now it seems we have to move away -sad face-

Rules of Engagement


1,  Don't tell me during our first phone call that you are going to put me in permanent chastity with plugs up my ass and pussy.  Nice fantasy but the reality is even slaves need to do number two's sometime.  Also having a constantly wet pussy would lead to infections.

2.  Do not profess your undying love for me as I will believe you are from Nigeria and will scam you faster than you can say 'i love you so much and want all your money'  Last Nigerian that tried it lost out, also just to be clear and save time I do not have any money.

3.  Read my lips carefully on this one, when we first meet it will be a meet and greet not a meet and beat.  It may even take a couple of meet and greets before I trust you to allow myself to become tied up and beaten.

There are so many other things I could put here but I won't lol just a few gripes!

Last night I had no kids, such a rare event - it was bliss. After dropping them all at a comedy show (they were going on to a party after and staying the night)

I thought about dropping in to the local but instead came home and curled up in bed to enjoy my book and more importantly some silence.

Today most of them are sleeping it off so it is relatively quiet again. Until you have been a parent you truly cannot understand the value of having some down time with no noise. Hell I would let myself be beaten for weekly quiet time! Well shit that won't work I would let myself be beaten for no reason at all.

OMG we may have a house, we have been approved by the agent and now it is just a case of them talking to the landlord to make sure he does not mind teens.  Murphy's law again, this house was on the market and we applied to rent it 3 months ago, we got approved and then the landlord backed out and took it off the rental market as he was scared that tenants might not keep it tidy enough and put of potential buyers.  Now it has all reversed and he cannot sell it so has taken it off the market and put it back up for rent.  Fate our destiny or what the hell ever is hopefully on our side with this one as it is a really cool house only a few mins out of kaukapakapa.

I am keeping fingers, toes, eyes and pussy lips crossed until we hear back!

OMFG talk about murphy's law.  My son dropped my expensive camera at the Kumeu car show a few months back and fucked up the lens.  I think I can fix it if I can just get the lens off the front of the camera.  I now have the camera in a million pieces and one freaking screw stands between me and the lens.  I am not sure if it needs an allen key as it looks slightly different to all the other screws but none of my keys fit it.   GRRRRRRRR

Pub tomorrow yaaaaa nothing like the KKK pub, I have always liked that place.

Hoping to hear about a couple of houses, this is getting so old :(

Stop the world I want to get off!  I have TWO teens wanting to learn to drive, my nerves are shot  - particularly given the fact that most roads out here are gravel and have an excess of corners!  It is I am sure an unwritten rule that Dads teach their kids to drive, although in our case the kids dad is dead so I will let him off.

If they are not arguing over who is driving then I am holding on to the door for dear life while telling them that I could put my hand out of the window and touch the grass growing on the bank be we driving FAR too close to.

Other than that life goes on, and on, and on.

My weight loss operation is hopefully coming up soon.  I have had the final approval for it so now it is just a case of waiting for them to set a date.  My final goal is to one day be slim enough and fit enough to go on a long solo hike, just me, the bush and nature.  What a dream it will be.

Anyway I need to get offline, I am using a T-stick for my connection and damn but those things are not cheap.

What do you do when the need to serve simply overwhelms you?  When the need to be on your knees trembling in fear and need is too much to bare.

What do you do when all you want is to worship someone who is better, stronger, wiser, (god the list goes on) than you?

What do you do when all you want is to be on your knees kissing the feet of someone to show them your complete devotion, to show them that you are willing to give all that you are to them.

What do you do when you wish to be a slave?

Fuck my life as the kids would say!  I spent my night alone trying to fix my son's laptop to no avail.  It looks like his hard drive is on the way out.  I cannot even run a disk check on it.  I have 3 weeks until I need to move, no house to move into and now it looks like I am going to have to buy a new laptop.  A college kid needs to have a pc of some kind for homework and given that both my daughter and I do distance learning we need ours.

I just want something to go right for a change!  Someone tell me what freaking god I need to pray to for that to happen.\

I am actually laughing while I type this because what else can go wrong in all honesty.

I am going to pick all  the kids up shortly along with their friend.  There should have been two friends but it seems that one of the girls embarked on a 6 hour walk home at some stage.  I will be having words with Mikey's mother to find out what the hell she thought she was doing letting a kid leave the party.  Luckily she texted a friend who was out driving at he picked her up.   Drama central!

After that it is foot spa and pedicure time for me!!!!!!

Bliss!  My house is silent and will be until about noon tomorrow.  That is 16 hours of peace and quiet and solitude.

I have a bottle of rum, smokes and a laptop to rebuild.  If only I were sans the laptop it would be a perfect evening.   I have a book sitting on my bedside table ready for later tonight.  I am so going to enjoy this.

The only thing that could have been better would have been being able to vacuum the floor but having just found out the kids broke my sucky machine that will have to wait.

All I need is for my coke to chill down and then it is a case a drinking and enjoying the rare night alone that I get.

Teen angst, who wants it or needs it in their life.  I have just had a happy pill and am sipping on a beer but I am as uptight as I was 15 minutes ago.  I have two kids not talking to each other, one in tears over his love life, another kicking shit about.

I am so fucking done right now.

My god tomorrow was meant to be an awesome day with us meeting up with friends at Big Gay Out, right now I am ][ that far from cancelling the outing.

I need booze or sex or drugs (even though I don't take them lol).. but wait, I just need less teen angst!

I have no life!  -chuckles-  I just realized the biggest date on my social calendar this month is an 18th birthday party.  The sad part is that it is the kid himself who invited me.  I am by no means a family friend.   WTF would I want to do with a bunch of drunken teens?  I have to submit to the torture of hosting these parties for my own kids, I sure as shit do not want to go to one in my free time.  This one in particular is one I would not attend simply for the fact that -everyone- else in my home is going, I will have a night off!

It seems everyone has decided:  I am losing 5-6" of my hair (no small thing when you have waist length hair) and it is going to be dyed black and red.  I am sure I was not part of this decision making process.

Wow my daughter just showed me a pic of a hair cut she wants.  It is an under shave.  I can remember when they were used on female shaves as a way of showing at parties, etc what she was or as punishment.  She could have her head shaved but still appear normal in the vanilla world.  -chuckles-  Now it seems it is simply a fashion statement.

School starts tomorrow and while it means I am only getting rid of one child it does also herald a return to the times when I have no extra kids unless it is the weekend.  It is about time as I find myself about ready to take a long walk off a short plank.

Two of the girls who live here are incredibly loud, even today they are tap dancing on my last nerve!

Why but why do I agree to these things.  My friend just left after a couple of glasses of wine and I have agreed to let her take 5-6 inches off my hair and then dye it black and red.  I have never had black hair and cannot say I really have any inclination to try it.

Next weekend we are tossing the kids into the cars and packing a picnic and going to the Big Gay Out.  It should be a blast and I am really looking forward to it.

One of my son's friend has his licence which means I have a sober driver so will be able to have a couple of drinks while there which will be awesome.

I do not know what it is about all these kids, this boy who is going to be my driver asked today if he could move in once he gets a job.  This is NOT a halfway house for gods sake.

Anyway just chilling for a while and chatting with mates on Facebook before doing the mum thing and cooking dinner.

I am oddly restless today, something which rarely happens to me.  I think I simply need some me time.  As a single parent it is hard to ever have the house to myself, particularly given that I home school one of the kids and now have two extra teens living here that do not work or attend school.

I have an open door policy as far as their friends are concerned, as was evidenced tonight.  I was away from my laptop but my facebook was open.  I came back to a message from one of their mates.  -chuckles-  He simply said 'might come up'  that was it, he was offline and unbeknownst to me already in his car and on his way.  Their friends always stay the night because I won't let them drive home.  The roads here are horrible and I would rather have an extra child for a night or two than attend a funeral.

We have no bus service here either which means I cannot throw them a few dollars and tell them to go to town.  Well I could, but I would need to drive them to Helensville to catch one of the very few buses we get each day and naturally go back to pick them up later.

I worked it out the other day that the week before last I had 11 children stay during the week.  Some nights there were as many as 5 extra's here.  So easy to see I am a masochist when I inflict that much pain on myself!   Thank god school starts next week and this type of thing will slow down.

I have a friend coming over tomorrow to have a couple of glasses of wine and bring me some boxes for packing.  I think I will send her kids as well as mine over to my son's sleepout so I can enjoy a little adult time with her!  I do not know how my fucking son has done it but he has somehow beguiled this woman and she is also bringing him a box of beer and credit for his phone.  Hrm is 16 too young to have a sugar mummy?  Perhaps I should take lessons from him!

GRRRRRRRR

Anyone out there an expert in the use of ConvertXtoDVD?  I have used this program for years without issue.  After my laptop crashing last week and having to rebuild it I downloaded ConvertX again but cannot get it working properly. 

I am usually about to figure shit like this out but this one has me beat.  When I open the DVD I have burned on the laptop it has many files on it with extensions like DUP and VOB.  In the past I would simply the a single file with the movie name on it -insert sad face here-

Any and all advice welcomed!

Life goes on and we now have a date by which we have to leave the house.  There is no way I can save the necessary moving costs and letting fees, etc.  I have come up with a partial solution though, which while less than ideal will get us through.  I am thinking of renting a large caravan.  They are cheap enough, but the vital issue will be where we have it.  If we have to go to a caravan park there will be no financial advantage whatsoever as their fees are ridiculous.  What I am hoping is that given we live rurally we (or friends) will know of someone who will let us put the caravan on their property for perhaps two months.  I will naturally pay them for water, power, etc.  It would give me the chance to pay off some bills and get some cash together.   Naturally the kids are not thrilled but I can see no other solution.

I fixed my laptop!  Not sure what the hell happened to it, it took me several days and a complete reload of windows but it is working again.  I have lost years worth of files, pictures, etc.  Hard on me emotionally but my fault for not backing things up.  A lesson learned.

We have a bug up here at the moment so everyone is feeling a little down and out.  More than a little lol god I feel like the walking dead if truth be told.

I am sitting here enjoying the sound of... nothing.  Having silence when you live in a house filled with teens and their friends is an amazing luxury and it is wonderful.  Anyway I am going back to lay down until this latest wave of feeling 'blah' passes.

I always seem able to bounce back from shit, but everyone has a limit and I think mine has finally been reached.

I am no closer to sorting out a new home, nor saving the required cash to do so.  I have just spent 2 days literally knee deep in shit after our toilet blocked and thanks to some assistance from the kids went on to overflow.  Two plungers later I called for help and after removing the toilet completely and flooding the bathroom again Steve found my pipes blocked by a calcium buildup.  All clean now, but I have used so much disinfectant in there that it is like walking on flypaper.

After washing a bunch of shitty towels that had been used to mop up the spillage I find this morning that they disconnected my washing machine hose and I now have a flooded laundry to deal with.

Oh did I mention that yesterday my son dropped my $2000 camera that I had been hoping to sell and broke it?

The best is yet to come though.  I get up this morning to find my laptop wont start and it seems to have hardware errors and windows wants a restore.  No problem I keep the needed discs in my laptop case -always-.  Guess what they are not fucking there.

I am currently using a tiny netbook that I cannot type on for shit and am one week away from starting a distance learning bachelors degree course and now have no way to repair or replace my fucked laptop.

Limit reached.  I fucking give up.

So much for a good day yesterday, I was feeling pretty sick for most of it :(

Today is going to be worse.  I am going to the cemetery with the kids as it is the 3rd anniversary of their dad's death.  My son takes it so hard which means I am very likely to have a rough few days with him until he manages to get off the emotional roller coaster.  Last time he got upset about his dad (a couple of weeks back) he ended up getting physical with me in his pain and anger.

So I am going with the farming the kids out idea and me moving back to my mothers until I can save enough for a moving truck, letting fee, etc, etc.

I cannot see anything better than that turning up in all honesty.

'Mum, get on facebook' seems to be an unending battle cry in our house.  That program drives me insane!   Come and talk to me for god's sake, we are in the same damn house!!

Well the date of homelessness draws ever nearer.  I am looking at renting a caravan or perhaps even farming the kids out to friends and me moving home to mum until I can save enough for the move.  I hate it!!!!!

I still have not heard from Massey and my nerves are growing in that respect, I do not do waiting very well!

Today though is going to be a good day.  I have decided it will and that is all there is to it.

This morning we have the police coming so they can take an initial brief statement from the girl I have taken in.  She is starting the process of charging her stepfather for ongoing childhood physical and sexual abuse.  She came to us three weeks ago a blubbering mess and now look at her!  She is gaining so much strength just from knowing she has a family that will stand at her side no matter what she has to go through.  Both my kids want to be her support person while she goes through this ordeal.  She truly is a part of our family now and loved by each of us.  Just knowing someone believes her and believes IN her has wrought a huge change in her.  You go girl, you can conquer the world if that is your wish!

i need an answer, i need a way out and praying won't cut it.  for once in my life i simply have no idea of what to do or where to turn.

we are going to be homeless and it seems as if nothing can be done.

I have pretty much given up, there comes a point where something is insurmountable and I feel I have reached that point over this housing issue.  What do you do when you cannot do anything?

As far as getting into Massey that is proceeding, albeit slowly.  They tell me my application is fine and it has gone to the academics for approval/rejection and that I will know within a couple of weeks.  The whole process is only meant to take a couple of weeks and I applied back in November.... story of my life lol

I feel helpless as if there is no hope and that is not something I am used to other than in a bdsm sense.

I am still at a total loss as to what I can do to get out of this mess.  I realize it is a mess of my own making but that realization is not going to put a roof over my family's head.  Why is it that just when everything looks like it might be coming right I get the rug pulled out from under me.

I am tired of my life feeling like one big struggle and I know my kids feel the same, they miss out on so much.  Hopefully once I get my degree things will change and I will be able to support them better.  lol having said that I have just realized that by the time I have my degree they will both be young adults and hopefully working themselves.

Maybe I should buy a lotto ticket!

Well this year has truly sucked.  I lost quite a bit of my invalids benefit and my income was further reduced when the head gasket blew on my car and I had to take on car payments as well as cope with a reduced benefit.  I had just come up with the solution to the money issues but it is too late.  I am $1000 behind in my rent and have one week to come up with it or be kicked out. 

Along with that we are being evicted in February anyway because of our lawn guy (long long story but we are definitely innocent).  This means coming up with $1000 in real estate fees and moving costs.

On the invalids benefit both of these things are simply and impossibility so it looks as if we are going to be homeless and I truly do not know what to do.

If I could have come up with the first 1000 it would have at least bought me a few weeks to come up with the rest with I think I may just have been able to do, but since I have no way of paying the rent arrears we do not get to stay here that long.

I am crying, how do I tell my kids that I lost their home and we now have nowhere to go?

The timing is just incredible, in another four weeks I would have had a second income string and things would have been fine, but that is unfortunately 4 weeks too late to save us.

It is boxing day, xmas is over and done with for another year but for the cleaning up.  It was a good day as I always enjoy getting together with my sister and her adult kids.

My daughter's boyfriend goes home today thank god, she dumped him mid visit so things have been a little awkward ever since.  Two of my son's friends are completely smitten by her and she is basking in their attention. 

Karl was meant to be pit crew at speedway today but he and his friend pulled an all nighter on the xbox so I cannot see him going anywhere.  Give him another hour and he will be dead to the world.

-chuckles-  I got my annual pair of slippers for xmas off my mum, you have to love her, along with those I got the usual nightie and t-shirt, neither of which fit - but then again they never do.  It brings a smile to my face every year.

I seem to spend far too much time on facebook these days.  I cannot stand it but the kids are always sending me links to look at.  After the last party here I had heaps of Karls friends adding me so I have a lot of kids on it that I cannot even remember.

Another hour to go and I can get rid of Matt!!!!!  Then there is just Karl's friend who I am figuring is going to stay another night.  After that I am going to insist on a couple of days with no friends.

It is xmas eve and my birthday.  everyone is still sleeping as we were celebrating a little early and did not get to bed until 4.

I hate xmas, it used to be a time of joy for me.  I used to be like a kid and still have boxes and boxes of decorations but never have the heart to put them up anymore.  The first time I had the kids dad arrested for assault and willful damage to our home was xmas and i still have photos of the holes he put in the wall and the tree laying on the floor with half the decorations smashed.  It has just never been the same for me since.

Last night my son asked me to tell he and his friends a story about a friend of mine dying, i tell it accompanied by Elton John's Candle In The Wind (for very good reason).  I asked Karl if he was sure as the first time I told him the story he ended up in tears about his dad who died 3 years ago.  He said yes, well what a disaster both he and my daughter were in tears and both cut.  Then when I tried to hug Karl he pushed me away screaming that I was not his Dad.  That had me in tears, although I kept mine private.  It hurts, it really does.  They had not seen their dad since he was 6 when their Dad made a conscious decision never to contact them again.  He moved house, quit his job, stopped paying child support and was never seen or heard from again until his death.  How can my son hero worship someone like that?  They used to sit in the gutter waiting for him to turn up on scheduled weekends only to come inside crying ours later, they wanted to hang missing posters in case he was hurt.

On a lighter note kids today amaze me with their musical taste.  As well as the new stuff my son and his friends play things like Journey, Queen, Kansas, Jethro Tull, Bob Dylan, etc, etc.

haha what an xmas; evicted with three weeks to get the $1000 that is going to be necessary to move - an impossibility on welfare.  fucking asshole lawn guy, i would spit in his face if he ever dared show it again.

ugh come February we have to move and of course it being xmas there are very few listings available, this area can also be a difficult one to find rentals in.  Now that I have an additional family member here (albeit not blood family) it makes it harder.

I still have not heard from Massey so do not yet know if I have been accepted for my Bachelors course.  It is becoming nerve wracking to say the least.

3 more days and I hit the big 50 -chuckles-  not sure how I feel about that!

Oh joy, off to pick up my daughter's boyfriend shortly.  He is from Tauranga and is staying until after xmas.  I would not mind so much but he turns up here with no cash, eats me out of house and home and bludges smokes to boot.  I am not sure what his mother is thinking by sending him away for weeks at a time without ensuring he has cash.

Thankfully he is starting a full time course in February so the visits will become less frequent and hopefully die out altogether after a while.  She has a really cool boy up here that would give her the world (and he did if you consider his xbox the world) but she only thinks of him as a friend unfortunately... albeit a best friend.

I still have not heard from Massey University about my course and am starting to get really nervous about it.  I do not do waiting particularly well.

Watched Rise Of The Planet Of the Apes with the kids last night, first movie in ages that all of us have enjoyed.

Drama, drama, drama.  I am so glad I am not a teen any more, their lives seem so filled with angst and drama.  It all calmed down mid evening and we went on to have a nice night although one boy has just left this morning to go home and be screamed at by his folks.  There seems to be a new breed of parents nowadays, ones that are just horrid to their kids and I truly do mean horrid.

I had one girl stay a couple of nights this week whose father had smacked her one right in the face, she looked terrified when she went home.  Another girl has moved in with us.  She is slightly older at 18 but I just cannot let her go home, the abuse she has suffered at the hands of her parents has truly damaged this kid.  She is a lovely girl and it pains me that any child would have tried to kill themselves before age 16.  She is beautiful, both internally and externally and would do anything to help someone but there is so much pain inside her.  Hopefully some time with a normal family will help her gain her self worth.  We are not normal by any means but we are loving and we definitely do not indulge in any form of abuse.  It will be hard for her to find work out here, but I am either going to try and help her get a job or see if I cannot convince her to continue her education in some way.  First she just needs some down time though to repair some of the damage that has been done over the years.

What a couple of days.  Fishing with the kids and then two nights staying at my parents.  I am so freaking glad to be back home.  Tonight I am going on a big night out, down to Helensville for Comedy On The Rocks.  The shows are always awesome and I am sure this one will be no exception.  Gish and Tevita are among the comedians performing so it will be a good show.  I only wish it were at the pools, the drinks are cheaper and it takes more people there.  Oh well no rum for me tonight, just coke!

I was actually going to pass on this Comedy on the Rocks but because it is at the Grand Hotel my son needs an adult with him as do a few of his friends so I have to go for his sake.

I would much rather curl up in my nice warm water bed with a book..errrr man...errr something!

Anyway time to unpack our clothes and get some washing going.

If you are going to drink and drive, do the driving first!

Saving this space for a tirade that I feel building!

Good grief, my facebook has been going beserk ever since I uploaded the pictures of my son's party.  All his friends are adding me and yeah..   I have just posted on my facebook page that the kids pretty much shot themselves in the foot as far as future parties here are concerned.  Two days later I am still finding empties around the lawn along with cigarette butts and bottle caps in the house.  That is just not on, I expect to have to clean up some mess, but not this.  These kids are young adults and if they cannot act like it and clean up the next morning then they need to find somewhere else to party.  I already clean up after two teens, I do not need or want to be doing the same for more.

My son does not realize it but he has just entered a tough love program.  He has gone to Rangitoto Island today for the annual clean up.  He has no lunch on him because he did not do the one 5 second task I gave him last night in regards to his lunch.  He has no drink for the day, again because he did not do what I asked him in regards to this.  If he wishes to be treated as an adult then he is going to have to learn some responsibility.  LOL  I won't even get into the rat's nest that is his hair this morning, all because he has lost yet another hair brush and could not find any this morning.  Naturally my daughter and I know exactly where our brushes are, but tough!

Long time no see!  It is pouring with rain and my house is silent but for the sound of the rainfall.  It is wonderful.  My son had a party here last night and the place is trashed but right now I am just too tired to do anything about it.  He is sleeping and once he wakes up I will set him to work.  We had about 25 teens stay the night as we live too far out for them to go home at the end of the night. 

Country parties are definitely different, the kids usually come equipped with tents, etc and no matter who has the party all the kids stay over.   It is really good here for them, we are nice and rural so they can let loose and have fun.

Well next year is going to be my year.  I will be getting my weight loss surgery (I still do not have a date, but am on the waiting list) and I am hoping to go back to school.  I have my student loan through and am just waiting to hear from Massey University to see if I have been accepted.  I am going to do a Bachelors in Social Work via distance learning.  Go me!!!  Lots of changes happening.  The school thing was really spur of the moment.  I thought about taking some courses or something and then just decided to try for a degree instead so got online and found a degree I wanted and sent in the enrollment and student loan application that day.  It is a little nerve wracking waiting to see if I get in and I am hoping my age and lack of education do not work against me.  I left school at 16 so do not have the necessary qualifications for university but am hoping to get in as an adult student.

Only a couple of weeks now until I go for my follow up appointment with the surgeon about my gastric bypass.  I have met his criteria so am hoping he will give the green light to my having the surgery.  He said at the first appointment that if I lost 10kg there was no reason why I could not have it... so ......

I am slowly getting settled in up here although still have a mountain of unpacking to do.  One day Roger Fitz.

I am actually going to update my profile this week!  I know it has been a long time coming but it is so far out of date that it is ridiculous.

Anyway there is a good book with my name on it so have a good one all, I am off to read and relax.

What a difference 20km's makes.

I am only 20km away from where I was living previously but it may as well be a different world.

I no longer put my trash out at the end of the drive, instead I put it in the van and drive it up the road to a central collection point.

I have two recycling bins; because it is only collected every second week.

I do not dare run out of essentials such as milk, it is a 20km drive to the nearest store.

I do not get text messages or cell phone calls unless I either take my phone for a drive or walk up to the grassy clearing up the road.

We can have parties without the neighbours worrying about how much noise the kids make.

We are getting chickens!

I wont even get into how bad my internet is.

I cannot see the neighbours, or hear them.

I look out my windows and all I see are trees.

I spend much of my time driving trying to over take tractors and/or logging trucks.

When I am driving I get to see donkies, horses, cows, sheep, peacocks, turkies, roosters all within 5km of home.

There are definite draw backs but on the whole the peace and quiet more than make up for it.

Talk about stuck between a rock and a hard place.

My daughter and I are living with my parents (so NOT fun) while my son is staying with friends up helensville (he can only stay for another week and a half).

The engine of my car is cooked so I cannot even go up there to look at houses, let alone visit my son.

Now it seems I cannot get finance for a car, apparently the finance companies want 23 months credit history and as I have only been back in the country for a year that is not possible.

I always try to stay optimistic but right now I am at an absofuckinglute loss as to what to do next.

Right now getting another car is vital, I cannot do anything without transport.  WTF am I meant to do though if I cannot get finance.  I cannot even hire a car to go and see houses or my son as you need a credit card for that and being the intelligent person I am I do not want one while I am living on welfare - no rental car for me then!

It just all seems like a viscous circle with no end right now.

I keep waiting for my knight in shining armour but have finally come to the conclusion that his trusty steed is at the veterinarian and he is using my car instead.  Given the state of my car he won't be here any time soon.

Well the time has arrived, on Thursday my son is moving to friends until we find a house and my daughter and I will be leaving on Saturday.  It is nerve racking not having a home for the three of us.  I am a parent, it is my responsibility to provide a home for my kids.

It never rains but it pours in my life.  Right in all the middle of moving, being homeless, splitting up my family until we find a house, my car breaking down, etc, etc I have just received a letter saying I have an appointment Tuesday to see a surgeon about weight loss surgery.  OMG it would be amazing if I get it.  I will have to lose some weight on my own first but if the agree to the surgery I will do anything, including selling my kids.   Hmmm I might do that even without the surgery!

Exciting!

OMG what else can go wrong in my life?  It is 7:15 and I am out of coffee, no problem I can shoot down the road, right?  Wrong!  I cannot get the cap off the water reservoir in my car and it needs water.   GRRRRRR

One day something has to go right lol

I would buy a lotto ticket but again, no water, no driving to the store.  My brother in law is coming around at some stage to put the door lock back on now that i have had a new key cut so I will get him to undo the cap for me. 

I want coffee NOW though

They say that what does not kill you only makes you stronger.  I am going to have Herculean strength when I get through this period of my life.  God I must have been a right bitch in a former life and karma is now having a field day!

Still no luck on the house front and by Wednesday next week I will have sent the kids to live with other people while I do the final clean up here.  I am stressed naturally but not overly, there is nothing I can do about the situation and stressing won't change that. 

A house up here will turn up eventually and until then we will manage.

Today I got told I may have blown the head gasket in my car -laughs- I don't really think there is much more that can go wrong now!

There is even an unexpected silver lining that I will be able to go out at night, if my car is working!

Well that was a discussion I was not ready to have.  My son announced last night that he wanted to try 'that Master/slave stuff.'   He has a very dominant personality and is quite narcissistic and ... yeah.

We had a long talk about consensual play last night, along with the law and bdsm as well as safewords and honouring them.  He says he just wants to start slowly with perhaps cuffs and rope and work up from there.  

At times like this I really wish I had a man in the house lol  He found my copy of Screw The Roses and apparently has been reading that.   A slave leading/teaching a dominant is going to be an interesting exercise.  

Still no luck with houses, going to look at one today though so cross all your fingers and toes for us!

OMG could things get any worse.  I unexpectedly have no kids here tonight and it is too late to make arrangements to go out and do anything.  lol I am going to have a couple of rums and ... well I am not sure what.

I bought a Lotto ticket today, not something I usually do, but I figure something has to go my way eventually and how cool would it be if that something was Lotto!

I have sorted out somewhere for my son to stay for up to 4 weeks if we need to separate if I cannot find a house in time.  That is one thing off my list, not that I want us to separate but if needs must then I would rather be prepared.

No techies have fallen into my lap to fix my daughter's laptop, why am I not surprised.  God I used to know so many of them, hell I ran a mobile pc repair business for friends years ago but have lost touch with them.

Maybe I should throw salt over my shoulder or go four leaf clover hunting!

It is looking more and more like I am going to have to home school my daughter, I have tried all week to contact the Ministry of Education who apparently need to give me a referral.  I will try again next week.  Now I just need to find someone within shouting distance of Helensville that can repair her laptop and won't charge me an absolute fortune.  Not a big ask yet it feels like an almost impossible task given the charges techies make.  She will need her laptop for her schoolwork and to have skype conferences with her teachers.  I am sure it is just the ram that needs replacing, but I have been known to be wrong at times.

This weekend is a pick-n-mix weekend with kids.  My daughter stayed out last night but my son had a friend overnight.  Tonight he is out but she is back and is having a friend over.  I am sure my front door revolves, well it would if we knew were the freaking key is.  Naturally it is a dead bolt so we cannot unlock our door.  My son locked it last night when we went to drop my daughter off and now we cannot find it.  Thankfully his back door key was in the car else we would have been screwed. 

I am praying that he gave it to my daughter and she put it in her jeans or bag without thinking.  I texted her last night and she said he never gave it to her but I have about ripped the interior out of my car this morning and it is not there.  He, of course is swearing it is her, even though he was the one to lock the door.  That is normal though, he cannot accept that he has done something wrong.  If she does not have it then either he dropped it when we picked his friend up or in Kumeu.  If that is the case I am going to have to find the money to have a locksmith come out and cut a door key and one for our letterbox which is locked also.

Hey it was Friday the 13th yesterday after all!!!  Here is hoping nothing else goes wrong, it would be nice to have a few days with no bad news, hell I would accept no news!

No house yet but we are going to look at one on Tuesday.  The move in date means we would have a 4 day gap with nowhere to live but the local school counseller/cyf worker is checking out emergency housing in the area for me.  Apparently there is some local trust that may have a house we can use.  I am going to see her Monday morning to see what she has learned.

I should take this prick of a landlord to the tenancy tribunal because he has no valid reason for kicking us out.  We always passed our inspections but for small complaints about things like a toilet not cleaned well enough or a couple of scuff marks on the wall.  There was not once ever any serious complaints.  Add to that the fact that I have never even been a day late for rent and I would win outright, my problem is I am not a fighter.  I also fear that if we did that and won it would only be a temporary reprieve as he would be looking constantly for a reason to get us out. 

The owner himself came once with the property manager and all he had to complain about was dust on the skirting boards and some loose pebbles in the entrance way.  As I said, nothing major.

While I was out  yesterday my wonderful daughter decided to move the packing along by starting in my bedroom.  She packed all my toys and half my damn clothes.  I cannot complain though as she is only trying to  help.  She panics when we have to move and worries about things left behind so packs way to early.  Her rooms have been packed up for over two weeks now.

Today she and I will tackle the kitchen, a lot of it can be packed away and just the basics kept out.

God I loathe moving!

Know what I would like?  I know you don't but oddly enough I would like just once to be able to fill my car up with gas.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to make $30 worth of petrol last a week at current prices?  It would be so nice to have a week where that was crossed off my list of things to worry about.

No news on the house front yet and yes I am stressed, but I have done everything I can.  I am currently trying to draw up contingency plans in case we do indeed end up homeless.  There are only 16 days left and the chances of us finding a place are reducing day by day.

Today I have an appointment and am about to have a cold shower.  My son uses all the hot water when he showers and today my daughter got up and had a bath after his shower so there is not a drop of hot water for me.  I have to be out in about 10 minutes so I cannot wait for it to heat up again.

On that note I am going to go shower. 

We looked at a house the other day and talk about 'odd'  It was an old villa and believe me those homes are not as wonderful as people think.  Some have bedrooms that you could not swing a cat in, let alone expect a teen to live in.  T

his one however had been remodelled.  It had a beautiful kitchen but that was its only good feature.  Whoever remodelled it had strange ideas.  As is the norm there were no closets in the bedrooms with the exception of one which had wall to wall closets.  Obviously the 3 sets of closets were meant to be one for each room.  My son wanted that room, I could just imagine me barging in whilst he was mid .... with his gf because I wanted clothes.

That was not the strangest thing though.  The laundry was in the bathroom, no big deal, except the bathroom was off the master bedroom.  To hang washing out I would have to carry it through the bedroom, living room, dining room and kitchen to get it outside.  I could have lived with that, what I could not live with was having no privacy as everyone, the kids friends included, would have to go through my bedroom to get to the toilet.

I like -most- of their friends but there are one or two I do not fully trust and I would have to constantly be on the alert making sure I had not left any toys or valuables out in sight.  Not to mention having people coming through my room to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.

I just could not live that way.

Another one has just been listed and I will phone as soon as their office opens and try to view it today.

It gratifies me to see that the dork who would not let us rent his house has still not managed to find a tenant.  I did not like the house at all but would have put up with it for the sake of the kids as it had everything they wanted.  Now he can kiss my fat white ass and I hope it takes him a while to find anyone.

It's the day after Mothers Day and I am busily putting my gifts away... oh wait, I did not get any.  My son did cook a roast and invited his friend to enjoy it with us.  It helped that roast is his favorite meal and lets not forget his proviso that he would only cook dinner 'with assistance.'  This roughly translates into "I will turn everything on and then disappear to play xbox while you do the rest."

Still no luck on the house front and it is beginning to get stressful.  I found a lovely house today, a little further out than I would really like but it is $495 a week so it is not even worth driving up to have a look at it.  At prices like that I would need a boarder in and let's face who in their right mind would want to board up in South Head.

I am continuing to pack today as I finally got a load of packing boxes and need to make some headway in this area.  Today it is the dining room and most of the linen.  My daughter is a list maker and she has made a list saying what rooms need to be done on what days, etc.  She always makes these lists but never sticks to them -chuckles- she is just happy at being organized on paper.

I am moving ahead with finding out about home schooling for my daughter, unless we find a house in Parakai or Helensville she will not be able to get to her school.  I dread the thought of having her home with me all day but there are very few alternatives available to me.  It is not as if there is a dozen high schools up here for her to choose from.

Even though I am feeling stressed I still feel positive, things will work out in the end... they have to.

The stress is mounting.  We now have 3 weeks until we have to move and still no house.

My son is being a proverbial pain and will not compromise on anything.  We have found two  houses that I -hated- but the kids loved and I would have been willing to put up with for their sakes.  One we missed out on, the other I have not even applied for as my son refuses to even consider catching the bus to school.  It would mean me driving about 2 hours a day to take him to and from school if we move out of this direct area (which it looks like we will have to) and he absolutely refuses to bus.  I simply cannot afford $100 a week in gas just for taking children to school.

My daughter and I are both prepared to compromise on the things we want for the sake of actually having a roof over our heads.

It is reaching the point where I am simply going to tell him that either he compromises or he does not move with us.  He will be 16 this month and he can live with this aunt in her caravan if he wishes.  Of course he does not wish because there is no room for his 47" tv but oh well not my problem.  I refuse to let all 3 of us become homeless because a snot nosed teenager thinks he is too good to catch a school bus.

My daughter cannot bus as there is no bus to her school, hell I am willing to home school her if need be and believe me that will drive me insane.  There are simply no suitable houses in Parakai or Helensville and we need to widen the search to Kumeu and Huapai.  As much as I loathe moving I have even told him I am willing to consider moving out of the area and as soon as some houses become available moving back in but oh no, not going to bus even as a temporary measure.

I phoned about a house today and am waiting to hear back.  I am not keen on it as it comes with two acres on land.  WTF am I going to do with 2 acres.  Already I can hear my son begging for the chickens he is wanting for some odd reason and my daughter begging for cats and dogs and horses, etc.

However with the lack of houses in this area I have to consider it.  The house does not look the best from the outside but the ad says it is tasteful inside.

Woot I can be a farmer chick!  NOT.  The land and I do NOT commune and I am NOT at one with nature!

There was no date night -heavy sigh- maybe next year!

It is baking day, yes I actually bake at times and no not meth!  My son is going on an overnight school trip tomorrow and I offered to bake him some biscuits for the bus trip.  In typical fashion he wants afghans while my daughter wants peanut brownies.  Guess I am now doing two batches instead of one.

His gf gave me a bottle of Baileys yesterday - good score!

Big news!  I have gotten through to the next level in my endeavour to have weight loss surgery and now have this massive questionnaire to fill out.  There are some really 'odd' questions on it such as if you have ever been sexually or physically abused.  WTF that has to do with weight loss surgery is beyond me.  I will be doing this today in between baking biscuits.  Exciting stuff.

No luck on the house front as yet but I am going to start packing today, just the stuff we do not need to use.  There are a couple of short term rentals around (houses that are on the market) and while I do not want to get into this situation if will if i have to.  Packing this way means I can keep vital things separate and store everything else if we have to do short term rental.

Well I can never say my life is boring!

My son's gf freaked on him yesterday and when I mentioned to him that when he drops her it is likely to be highly dramatic (I am expecting threats of suicide at the very least) he said that yes he knew and it was the only reason he had not broken up with her.  That is a problem I will be tackling this coming week.  I won't let him stay in a relationship like this because he fears the girl will self harm.  It is the wrong reason and will only end up hurting both of them more.  (this chick truly has some serious mental health issues and it is just a nasty situation for my son to be in).

Anyway, he took off to stay with friends overnight and left the gf here for 1.5 hours waiting for her dad to pick her up.  Oh joy!

My daughter is off to her bf's mothers house today for a couple of nights, now if only my son stays away tonight as well!  I am not expecting it though.

In typical fashion I have all the fixings here for a nice roast dinner, I am just waiting for the night when it is just the kids and I home.  This seems to be a near impossibility over the holidays and in the meantime my pumpkin is starting to go soft!

I am counting down the days until they return to school and my life returns to some semblance of normality.  It is never completely normal here, but hey we are just that type of people.  We all have very off the wall senses of humour so it is never dull.

I am going to try for a 'date night' next weekend.  Yes you heard me right, a date night!  Time just for me with no ankle biters around, although at their ages and heights they tend to go for my jugular rather than ankles!

I have finally figured out why we  have schools.  It is not to educate our children, that is just political propaganda.  No, the real reason we have them is to lull parents into a false sense of security before the school holidays strike!

My home was like a zoo yesterday, I kid you not.  One visiting child would leave and another would front up.  When I went to bed last night we had two extra's staying over and I was told a 3rd may be turning up.  The other night I dropped my son's gf off and without even coming back home went and picked up another friend who was staying the night.   Yesterday he had a chick here all day and within 30 minutes of her leaving who should front up but the gf to stay the night.

There really is not a lot for teens to do up here in no-mans land (Parakai for those not in the know) so they tend to gather at one poor unsuspecting parents house.  Unfortunately a lot of the time that is mine.  Good grief, the gf had not even arrived last night and I was being informed who would be coming over on Tuesday, etc.

I do not mind really, I like knowing where my kids are, who they are with and what they are getting up to.  If they are here I have some control over the situation.  For that reason alone I have always encouraged my kids to invite their friends here.

My children are very open with me about where they are, or are not, sexually - again something I have encouraged so I can ensure that if they are sexually active they won't be too scared to come and talk to me about safe sex and I can help ensure that happens.  It has worked so far, but gee sometimes there are things a mother just does NOT need to know.  I don't want to know how good the damn bj was!!!!

Mothers simply should not have to be the person a son comes to about things like this but given that his Dad is dead and there is no male relative he is close to I have to wing it at times.  I guess I have not done too badly.

For all that though I have told them that this week I want a couple of nights where it is just the three of us.  It gets tiring constantly having extra's here.  That happens most weekends anyway but when the holidays roll around it is near everyday.  What I would really like is a night with the house to myself.  Co-ordinating my kids to both stay with friends at the same time has never yet worked, but I have warned them that I am going to start scheduling some 'me time' some weekends and they will both have to stay with their friends on those nights.

I forgot the big news yesterday, we are moving... oh fucking joy.  In 6 weeks I have to find another house up here (no easy task), pack and move.  To say I am thrilled is well an lie lol

I fucking had moving.

How quickly your life can change.

Not that mine has really.  I was seeing my doctor yesterday and was told something I was totally unprepared for, in fact I am still reeling in shock.  I know it is not a death sentence, I know it is even no real big issue but .. yeah.. still a shock.

I won't go into details for the simple reason I need to come to terms myself first.  Writing will go some way towards that.  

For the moment all plans are on hold while I just take on this new info and find some place to file it lol

Remember the saying 'for the lack of a nail the war was lost' well in my case it is 'for the lack of a helmet the weight was not lost'  lol  I cannot find a cheap bike helmet for love nor money.  Someone gave me one but it does not fit.  God I hate life on the sickness benefit but until things with my daughter are sorted out there is little choice, I am not going to compromise her well being for the sake of working.  I want a bike helmet dammit lol

I can imagine standing on a street corner offer to blow someone for the price of a helmet.... NOT.  just kidding folks.

It is so ironic that out of the blue just when I am thinking of taking up bike riding I get given a brand new bike and now cannot use it.  I would not even think of riding up here without a helmet as it is a training ground for new cops so there is always a high police presence.

This morning I have the dubious pleasure of telling me son to gag his freaking girlfriend before doing the deed or to not do it in my house again.  I am more than a little pissed off right now.  She is a whore and everything she does is designed to garner attention, well she is going to be getting some bad attention from me this morning and if she dares open her mouth in protest she is going to find my foot buried in her ass.

-chuckles-  Such are the trials of modern day parenthood I guess and the reality is I did a whole lot worse than them, not that they would ever believe me.  In truth they are good kids that do not drink, do drugs, bully others, vandalize property, steal, etc.  And, no this is not the posturing of an ignorant parent.  I am very involved in my kids lives and they talk to me openly about what is going on.... telling me far more than I want to know at times but I let the as I want the lines of communication always open.

I never found anyone to take me out to dinner the other night and now today I doubt my chances of finding someone to make me coffee so it looks like I am going to have to do it myself.  I was meant to have a bbq around here tonight but with the weather I think that is going to be a no go -insert appropriately sad face here-

OMG let me repeat that because it is worthy of two OMG's

OMG

I went and got gas last night and found I had lost my ATM card, now I go to this gas station regularly but you would have thought I was public enemy number one.  They took all my details and I raced home to look for my card.  No sign of the card so I go back to pay by check but duh my check book was still laying on the table from when I had dumped my bag out.  Another trip home and we are set.  I write a check out get this huge lecture about how the manager does not let them accept checks and can I come back in the morning with a new card.

I duly race to the bank this morning (now remember I live in bum fuck nowhere) and get a new card, go back to the gas station only to have the guy say.. oh it's fine, i looked at the cctv tape and told they guy we knew you and it wasn't a problem.  Not a fucking problem!!!  It used my weeks budget worth of petrol to get to the bank and back because we do not have a branch in my town.

I want my mommy!  wahhh

worse even than glass in my foot i haz a mouse in my house.  such a cute, furry little field mouse but god am i going to gloat when i see its stiffened body laying in the trap.  i cannot complain though, given the size of the rat i saw coming out of the neighbours paddock the other day my mouse is really a non-issue.  such is rural life.

I have my bike but grrr cannot ride it because of lack of a helmet, if it is not one thing it is another.

Someone needs to take me out for dinner!  There is not a huge choice up here but that is ok I am not fussy.  any volunteers?  No, thought not.  mean, that's what you all are!

Well time to get on with life and what a life it is; my son with the bruised pelvic bone fell on it yesterday and can barely walk so he is home and pumped up with pain killers.  Not much point going to the doctors because there is not really a great deal they can do for a pelvis.

I have glass in my foot!  The ungrateful brats I live with, a.k.a. my kids, won't help me to get it out so I am hobbling around like quasimodo, sans hump.

I sat for 6 hours in the car on Saturday outside Rainbows End while my son and his friends were inside.  There was another mother doing the same as me and if only she knew what danger she was in.  I spent the better part of the day plotting to do her harm so I could steal her cigarettes!  God it has been three months but every day I still want one.

I had an important meeting this morning but a warning light came on in my car.  I quickly turned it around and came home, just as I turned into my driveway I hit a bump and the light went out so now I am not sure what to do.  (this mechanical lack of knowledge is a chick thing)

OK I am staying off CM for a while - Ha, had you fooled, I bet you were thinking I was going through some drama and all upset with people.

Well I am in a way, all those people who put youtube videos up and somehow compel my kids to watch them.  Confused yet?  All the youtubing means I am out of bandwidth, AGAIN.  CM sucks at the best of time but trying to navigate it on dial up speed is too masochistic for even me.  I don't get a new allocation of broadband until next week and barring miracles that is when I shall return.

I have pixies or elves or something of that nature living in my house.

I know my kids are far too well brought up to ever spread dirty dishes from one end of the kitchen counter to the other.  Why on earth would they even consider doing that when there is a perfectly good dishwasher just sitting there waiting for said dirty dishes.

So naturally, if it is not my kids then it has to be the pixies.  These same pixings 'unmake' the beds every morning and get the carefully gathered dirty washing and toss it around the bedrooms, etc.

I need to get a pixie exterminator in least anyone thinks my kids are messy!

There are days lately (not many of them admittedly) where I feel as though I am sitting at a cusp in my life.  I have never before felt any desire to dominate anyone and yet... lately there are days when I want to try.  A year ago, hell six months ago I would visibly tremble and feel physically ill at the thought of even trying it.   Mind you as I write this I wonder if I could do it, physically I would not have a problem, the beat down is the easy part.  Mentally/emotionally that would be the hard part.

It is a frightening place to be.  I never in my life thought that I would feel any desire to do this.  The thought of hurting someone (even for pleasure) was abhorrent to me and yet.....

Writing about it has helped a little so perhaps there will be more on this in days to come!

ugh I am sitting here, or I was at least, watching a big spider crawl over  my wall.  Lost sight of it now which is even worse.  I have never known a place so bad for wasps and spiders, it is amazing.

It is lovely and cool this morning, the rain yesterday did wonders and I am hoping the temperature will stay bearable.

Not sure what this weekend will bring as I have no major plans but for having a couple of drinks this afternoon when I pick up the bike, or try and see if we can get the bike in the car at least.

A lesson in life!

For all you Dom types looking to hook up with a chick who is also a submissive type and has kids.

Do not -ever- take what kids say at face value - YOUR face value that is.  They are children for goodness sake even when in their teens.  This is doubly so if the conversation is taking place via a text based medium and you have no clue as to intent unless there are a lot of tips in the message such as 'lol' 'j/k' or emoticons with smiley, angry or sad faces.  Words are simply words and do not tell of the emotion behind them.

Imagine this scenario if you will:

Chick to kid : can you text him and ask him to bring some muffins with him

kid to mum: ok

kid to Dom: Mum said bring muffins but I want McDonalds

Dom to kid: ok tell mum I will bring Muffins

Kid to Dom: but I want McD's

Dom to Kid: yes, but your mum wants muffins

kid to Dom: I will tell on you and say I don't like you

Dom to kid: Tell your mum I won't be coming over now because I don't want to deal with a spoiled brat

Kid to Dom: fuck you

Kid to Dom: come over because mum is your friend, I will just stay out of the way and not talk to you

Mum arrives back after delivering some work and grabbing milk and finds an upset kid so reads history (that is an abridged version above).  Mum proceeds to make coffee for herself after defrosting savory scones she found in the freezer then tells off both child and Dom.

Who the hell won in that little scenario?  Not the kid, not the Dom who was going for morning tea with a chick he knew and liked, not the mum - although she did still get her coffee and a scone.

In this particular instance the teen was joking and playing around (admittedly she would have loved some McD's) until called a brat.  The Dom however thought it was all serious and was pissed off, he was also driving and had to stop each time (ignoring the texts could have and would have been a pretty good option at this point).  So at the end we have a teen who is hurt and trying to hide it beneath a veneer of anger, a pissed off Dom who says to just forget the whole friendship entirely.

Do not engage with a child if you cannot hold your temper or know you are buying into an argument with them.  Hell I simply refuse to argue with my kids, I am not going to waste my time with it and get stressed.  I tell them what I want and that is it, there is no arguing no matter how much they rail against it.

Calling a woman's child a spoiled brat is never going to bode well for you, ever. This is even more true when the child is in fact far from spoiled.

Oh well, my coffee is getting cool and I still have my scone to eat and some work I want to get done!

Good grief, I forgot the best part of today!!!!   Twice I got told I looked as though I was in my 30's and the people (yes that is plural, it was not the same person repeating themself) were stunned to hear I was going to be 50 this year.

Woot I am HAWT, fat but HAWT and by the end of this year I am going to be slim and HAWT.

lol I am just high on life tonight, it is a wonderful feeling and I had all but forgotten what it felt like.  This year truly is going to be my year to reclaim not only my life but myself.

What a wonderful night it has been so far, even if I have not had my chocolates or KFC!

I had a couple of drinks with a really good friend and nothing can beat that; friendship and downtime!  She is the woman who is giving me the bike and she has said that once I can say I have ridden 10K on it (not in one go but a cumulative total) she has a box of the boozy chocolates at home that she will give me!  What an incentive lol  She and her other half are coming for a couple of drinks on Friday and then on Saturday I am going up to their place for drinks and once we are suitably sizzled she and I are going to try and figure out how we can fit the bike in my car!  I love solving puzzles!  Every now and then you are privileged enough to meet someone who is special, caring, non judgmental and simply a friend and that is what this woman is.  Her character is very like mine in many ways and we often laugh and say how much alike we are, except she is the slim and hot version of me!

She gave me a saying tonight that I love "I may be fat but you are ugly but that is okay because I can go on a diet"  lol I love it!

I am going to have a last quiet drink and then curl up with my daughter and watch movies, not the most exciting of nights but the type I treasure.  Nothing is more important in this life than family.

OMG I want chocolate, but not just any chocolate.  I would accept Ferrero Rocher as a poor substitute for what I really want which is those little chocolate bottles filled with liquor.  God I would sell my soul for some of those and I am not even a huge chocolate fan but I have all but dreamed of those damn bottles lately. 

KFC that is another one, although I think that is just because of living here.  After a year of living in a town with no McD's, no KFC, no BK, etc, etc to eat KFC would be a real treat.  Lots of their coleslaw, buns and potato and gravy.

How about first Dom up here with chocolate bottles and KFC gets to give me a beating, or what about this - bring dessert, fix bike tyres and not only do you get to beat me but I will add something else in.  Not sure what but hell I am open to suggestions.

-chuckles-  As if.  Fixing things is the bane of the solo mother.  I know the theory to fixing bike tyres, but my big problem is I cannot figure out how to get the fuckers off.  Things were a lot less technical when I was a kid, well that and I had a Dad to fix my bike tyres for me!

I want to go riding but need to fix tyres first!

Hell if I got my way and had KFC and chocolate I would =need= to go bike riding lol

I am feeling frustrated beyond belief tonight, just one of those nights when I am totally on edge and not sure why.  Probably that time of the month!

My daughter keeps asking absolutely inane questions and it is so hard not to snap at her in response, but so far I am holding it together. 

Perhaps a good night's sleep will help, it could just be the heat. 

Tomorrow is a busy day with lots of running around to do.  I think I will likely be out from about 7am until after school but for a short stint for a cup of coffee mid afternoon.  Hopefully it cools down tomorrow.

I have two words that say it all right now:

Fucked Up

WTF - I mean seriously WTF????

When did God become a sadist?  There is all this drama and teen angst happening in my house and as if that were not enough God decides to inflict a possible case of measles on one of my kids.

What the hell else can go wrong this week?  Anybody got a spare rabbit's foot I can borrow?

I am sitting here shaking my head in disbelief, whilst eying a bottle of rum and wondering how bad my hangover would be in the morning if I decided to dull the pain that way.  Seriously though I am not a huge drinker so that is not even an option although I may have a quiet one or two later on tonight.

It has been about 10 weeks since my last smoke and every day I still have to force myself to not give in.  When does the desire go away?  \

I have an injured child at the moment, he hurt his hip playing 'ultimate frisbee' in P.E.  WTF I would go back to school if I could play ultimate frisbee, it sounds like a lot of fun!!!!

I want to find a course to do, staying home is driving me insane; maybe graphics or web site design/building.  Something that is not going to cost me an absolute fortune and I can do from home so that I would still be available if the kids needed me.

My memory is turning to mush and I am sure part of that is just because I am not working at the moment.  I need to exercise my brain again!

O.M.G.

If you could have only heard the conversation today in my living room between my son and his friends.  I am pretty open minded but I felt obliged to remind them once or twice that there was a mother in the room.

It is a compliment in a way that he and his friends are that comfortable with me but they were definitely talking about things that I had no need, nor desire, to know.

My ear hurts!  I hope like hell none of the piercings are infected.  I will wash them tonight with antiseptic and see if that helps any.

I learned something new last night; the Victorians used figging to stop the woman clenching her ass during a spanking.

Wow, kinky sons of bitches!

God, I slept so well last night, it was awesome.  It was made better by the fact that the entire surrounding area was in black out lol  Several districts were without power and we had it!  I am not normally gleeful about other people's misfortune but normally it is us without lights!

Watched some of the new season of Supernatural, went to bed with a good book, what could have been better?    Ha, a beating and a man in bed with me.. obviously!

I am having on of those blah nights; headache, fluid retention, swollen feet and ankles that hurt, etc, etc, etc.   Biggest problem is there is no-one here for me to bitch and whine to and then beat the crap out of me for doing so!

I want to just curl up in bed but I just had 5 piercings done in my left ear and that is the side I sleep on.

I have had a few drinks with friends and perhaps it is the fact that they have gone and I am now the only adult here I am feeling oddly restless.  Usually I am more than content with my own company but not the past few days.

Perhaps a hot bath and a good book, maybe even a glass of wine is called for!

I dropped the kids at school and as I was getting out of the car I gave this big sigh, thinking about the coffee I was going to make and enjoy in silence.  My thoughts were 'ahhh alone at last.'   Nothing wrong with that, right?  Unless you are a mother; I am sure it was freaking Barney the purple dinosaur creature thingie that used to say that.  I thought I had forgotten all those terrible kids shows that used to make my eyes bleed and my mind scream in pain.  To find myself quoting from one of them all these years later just shows that the damage done is irreparable!

Tonight I am having a friend over, well really she is the mother of one of my kids' friends, but she and I get on well.  We are sharing a bottle of rum and then her boyfriend is going to give me some piercings; only ears and I think I may want a couple of rums first.  I seem to remember feeling quite wussy the last time I got anything pierced!

OMG I just took my first mouthful of coffee and it is lukewarm. I forgot, I had turned the kettle on and then got distracted sweeping the kitchen, etc.  Grrrrrrr

Ok perhaps I would not kill for a smoke BUT I would kill for an iPod Touch.  MY freaking iPod Touch that is.  Filicide must be legal somewhere, because damn but my son is dead if he does not find mine.

Do you have any idea how much a 32GB Touch costs over here?  LOTS.  More than I could ever afford.  I only have one because I got it for $175 in a half price sale in the USA.  GRRRRRRRR  one angry chick here!!!

The worst part is that as per usual it is not HIS fault and he has barely made any effort to find it.

Ok rant over!  I think I will go masturbate to relieve the tension - j/k

I WOULD KILL FOR A SMOKE!

I am feeling a little on the down side today, I could feel it starting yesterday and it is still with me.  I am not sure of the cause, but as people say 'if you cannot say anything good, don't say anything'

I know the adage does not typically apply to a person's journal, but as I try to keep this fairly lighthearted, today it is advice I am going to heed.

I feel this sense of expectancy but am not sure of its cause.  Perhaps it is just too long between beatings!

This week is not going to be an easy one emotionally, there are some fairly major family issues that are going to be addressed and ... and I do not know what.

It is times like this that I really feel the lack of support in my life but I know that whatever comes my way I will cope with it as best I can, and when all is said and done that is all any of us can do.

Oh btw I now have a child with black and green hair!

God I can be a bitch, not very becoming in a woman, let alone one who claims to be submissive in nature.

I responded to an email this morning and my reply was pithy, acerbic and bordered on rude.  It was not meant to be that way and I am blaming lack of coffee.  I do not function as a human, let alone a polite one before I have had 2-3 cups of coffee.  You would think that at my age I would know to just not talk to people until my caffeine quota had been filled!

I had to apologize for my words, and now that I am on cup number 3 I am in a mindset where I can actually be polite and even sound semi intelligent.

Long live the coffee bean!

My week has turned serious. Firstly there is the ongoing devastation in Christchurch and it's surrounds.  My heartfelt wishes go out to those who have lost a loved one or are still waiting for news.  I do not have much but if anyone has lost everything and has teens I can pass on some of my kids clothing along with some plus size womens clothing.  It is not much but I know that some family homes have been destroyed and it may be some time before/if any possessions can be reclaimed.

If only I were closer I could have done more. 

Today I will be speaking to a man who runs a Youth group for teen homosexuals.  Both my children have recently expressed doubts about their sexuality.  One for, what I believe to be, the wrong reasons.  If they are gay then so be it, it does not change the fact that they are the children I gave birth to, nor the bratty, obnoxious, rude teens they currently are.  All that will change is the gender of their partners.  However, I have organized for this guy to come out and speak with them, try and help them through their confusion and be available to answer any questions they may have.

-chuckles-  Oh for a week with no drama in my home, not that I consider them questioning their sexuality to be drama but you know what I mean!

There's a lizard in my lounge!

I kid you not, there is a freaking lizard in the house and no it is not a colloquialism for something long and fast!  Get your mind out of the gutter unless it is there keeping mine company.

I was just sitting innocently and happened to glance down to see it run past my foot.  How the hell do you go about catching a lizard, or exterminating it, either option will do.

Many thanks to those who have written to me and commented on my journals, I enjoy knowing that people read what I write.  

It is shaping up to be a busy week again this week with a variety of things going on, some of which do not belong on a public forum so you will just have to suffer and let your imaginations run wild.

OMG I want sleep.  Once kids are teens they are not meant to wake you throughout the night!!!!!

Last night was interesting!  My son and I had one of those talks that boys are meant to have with their dads.  With no man in his life I have had to do the best I could with those types of chats with him.  I -think- I have done ok and he is very open with me about 'where he is at' sexually.  After something he said last night it became apparent another talk was due.  Awkward to say the least because wtf do I know about teenage boys sexuality!

I had big plans for today but after last night and this morning I am going back to bed as soon as the school run is over.

Teenage lust has driven my son to leaving home earlier in the morning.  He wants to spend time with the lust of his life before school and as I refuse to do two school runs he is having to walk.  Naturally this has a domino effect in that I now have to get up earlier in the morning.   -chuckles-  he is still walking, he just texted me and asked me to wake him even earlier in future.  :(  So now I have two wake up times for kids, two breakfast sessions, etc.

I was meant to play today but have postponed it, going back to bed is all I can think of.

Only at my house!  

Yesterday one of my son's friends turned up asking if I could help him with a costume for a party.  Before I know it I have 3 boys dressed as fem ho's, along with handcuffs, gags, collars and leashes, etc.  They got so many lectures about taking care of my gear and not losing any of it.

We had loads of fun with them trying on different outfits, taking pictures, etc.  Apparently they were a real hit at the party which was pimps and ho's.

I do not mind things like that if it is kept relatively private, but my son then tends to offer my stuff to all and sundry.  One boy from yesterday was someone I have never met, but he was a friend to both my son and the other boy who I know well.

But anyway it was a laugh.  My daughter was out for the night as well so I got to have a relaxing night to myself.  Early into bed, curled up with a good book.  Not exciting I know, but I had had a child wake me at 2am to inform me they were hungry so I was tired.

In December I vowed that 2011 was going to be my year and so far that appears to be true.  I know it is thanks to my own efforts for the most part; i.e. the dieting, giving up smoking - both goals set for this year.

Other things just seem to be falling into place, the bike being an example.  What are the chances of speaking with a woman you really only know through your kids and do not actually socialize with and having her give you a brand new bike?  And yet it happened, I mentioned wanting to get a bike and she was all over me like white on rice about a spare bike she had that she wanted to get rid of.  She is actually 'giving' it to me, there is no trading goods, or cash changing hands. My son says this family have lots of bikes, yet somehow they had one spare.  LOL he is now trying to convince me to give him my bike (when it gets delivered) and he will give me his.  No deal!  I have never had a new bike in my life!

The referral for the weight loss surgery is another, without warning my GP changes her mind and puts the referral through 6 weeks earlier than planned.  I realize I still need to actually be seen and get accepted, but even so it is moving faster than originally thought.

One thing that will not be happening though is me letting up on my own efforts.  This is the year I get my body and health back.  Not that I am sick as such lol but I want to be more active, I want to be fit and healthy.  Giving up smoking has been a huge step in the right direction and now as my breathing improves exercise is the next logical step!

I am getting a bike!!!!!

Tonight I have my son's mate staying for the night and his mum bought a bottle of wine around for her and I to share.  I mentioned wanting a bike and she has a brand new one that she wants to get rid of!!!!

She is going to drop it off next week some time so all I need to do now is get a helmet.

Wooooooooooooooot

Did you notice that small things excite me?

OMG OMG OMG  Big news!!!!!

I went to my doctor today about something really minor, I told her about my diet and we talked for a while.  She told me she is ready to do my referral for weight loss surgery!!!!!

I should have had to wait another 6 weeks but she is doing it early because of how well I am doing without smokes and that she can see that I am serious because I have already started a diet myself.  I know it will take ages before I get an appointment and then I have to go through the screening process and may get turned down, but this first step is mind blowing! 

I am so excited, but I also know without doubt that even if I am rejected I will keep on with my diet and do it on my own.  It will just take a whole hell of a lot longer!

OMG I had forgotten how wonderful the diet I am on is.  Tonight I made honey lemon fish and oven fries along with a huge salad.  Why the hell do I not cook like this every night?  I actually love cooking... for an adult.  Cooking for teens, and fussy ones at that, is very different.  Last night it was chicken maryland with potato and salad.  Yumm and to think that I am losing weight while eating this well!

I am now officially a cool mum!  One of my kids friends actually liked my facebook status and commented on it tonight - woot I am kewl!  I only have facebook for my kids, it is definitely one of the not so good byproducts of the tech. age that at times I have to log into a social networking site to talk to my own kids.  hell my kids will text me from their bedrooms rather than make the effort to leave their rooms some nights.

I am so full after my dinner and I still have to have fruit yet before I go to bed. 

Wanted: A Life

Single parenthood does not always allow for much of a social life and today I have a child home sick from school.  Thank goodness mine are both coming up to an age where I will soon be able to leave them overnight and the like.  I can certainly leave them while I go out for a few hours for a meal, etc.  Although in typical sibling fashion they love to hate on each other and have been known to get physical with that hate.

I tend to not leave them alone together very often because of that, hopefully as they grow older they will become friends.  Right now they are either the best of friends or the worst of enemies and it seems there is no middle ground.

God I have started to think about lactation again, I thought I had long since given up on that but it seems not lol  I just cannot understand what is so damn hot about it but something surely is.  I do not think I will do anything about it this time though.

Well I never got a valentine's day bike!  Sucks to be me lol Oh but I did end the week with a 9.5lb weight loss!!!!

I think a secret admirer should buy me a bike for valentines day, if they want to be occasion appropriate they could always have a red rose sitting in the helmet!  Now if only I had a secret admirer lol  Yup, I am still lusting after a push bike to help with the weight loss.  With 2 days still to go of my first week I have now lost 9.5lbs and I really want to be able to maintain the momentum.  I know that this is the only week I will record a loss like this, but I just want to do everything in my power to ensure that each week the number of the scales goes down as much as is humanly possible.

I -almost- had the house to myself last night, but that is ok.  My daughter and I had a girls night in and enjoyed ourselves.  It is not often she and I get time alone so we tend to make the most of it when we do.

My plans for this week:  lots of sleep before the teens descend on me next weekend, I must have been out of my mind to agree to having 12 teens sleeping over.  Someone punish me for my foolishness!

WTF.  I mean seriously, WTF?  I have not even had one week since school started and I have a kid home.  There is hope though, if I can figure out how to get one of my kids over to Mt Eden tonight I will actually get to have the house to myself overnight. 

Tomorrow night I have two teens here but they are going to be pit crew at speedway so will be out for some of it.  Then Sunday I take a bunch of them out to the Big Gay Out and if I get rid of the one tonight, will pick her up when I collect the others at the end of the day.

So all in all I will get a lot of down time this weekend, a truck load of driving but that comes with the job description - particularly when you live in the boonies like we do.

It is one of those picture perfect days today and has not yet heated up too much.  It is days like this that I love, they remind me of winter days in Texas.  

Heaven forbid but I have given my son permission for a party next weekend, with all the kids sleeping over.  I will have something like 12 teenagers here, I think I must be insane.  There won't be much sleep that night.  I think it would have been less painful to just beg someone to run the cattle prod over my naked body!

Way to go girl! 

Is it sad that I just had to high 5 myself?  It is now 5 weeks without smoking!  The first week of the diet has gone well so far, I have lost 3.5kg and the week does not end until Monday morning when I weigh next.  I know, I know I am meant to resist temptation and only weigh myself once a week but it is a chick thing (or maybe a lack of discipline thing).

I know from prior experience that the weight will shift off my face and boobs first, and I for one won't be sorry to lose a few lbs/inches off my boobs.  Carrying around 42FFF's is not fun.  I would love to be a tiny b cup but that will never happen, even when slim I tend to be top heavy.  Hell I have never been a b cup lol my first bra at 12 was a 36C.  I do have to admit though that tits this size are wonderful for play, I love having them tied up.  I have a pic of a friends tits done with cable ties and I am determined to have that done before I lose too much weight off mine.

It is only 7 more weeks until the doctor is going to apply to WDHB for weight loss surgery for me, god I would be over the moon if I could get that done.

I really want a push bike, it is nice and flat here and it would be good exercise.  Because of an injury when a child I am not allowed to run so biking would be a good alternative.  No chance of getting one though unfortunately, my budget is just far too tight for things like that.

I need to find some form of exercise though as if I do manage to get the surgery I will have to be exercising as well.  Only 20 people a year get funding for the surgery and I am in the last year that I can have it because of their age restrictions so *fingers crossed.*   It would certainly speed up the process but even if it does not happen I am determined to get it off myself, it is just going to take a hell of a lot longer.

Oh my god I so want to cut my hair off.. short!!  Every time I go out and do anything I come back with it soaked with perspiration.  I know it took me years to get it to this length and I know I melt when it is pulled but god is it really worth it to go through summers like this?

ok I did go back and listen to that song on youtube.  I have to admit it is a classic and anyone wanting a bit of a laugh should listen to it.

It is called 'Dance of the Manwhore' and the guy who wrote it must truly be warped, warped but clever enough to mix yogurt, dinosaurs, lack of parental love and sex all in one song!

Oh god make it stop!  I want to resign from parenthood now.

I get up an hour before anyone else in my home for a reason.  Yes I am an early riser but also because after first waking up there is one thing I cannot stand: noise I do not want to talk to you, hell I do not want to listen to you and I sure as shit do not want to listen to music.  So this morning I slept in, never a good thing because I usually enjoy two cups of coffee and one hours peace before waking the 'angels' (pulls tongue back out of cheek).  I tried to let the kids have a sleep in so I got at least one cup of coffee but NO my son decided it was 'torture your mother day' and got up exactly on time, sat down next to me and not only did he talk but he turned his freaking laptop on!!!!   I had to listen to some song on youtube about some guy whose fetish was eating yogurt off naked flesh!

Then to make matters worse, school time finally rolls around and by god I was going to break a few land speed records dropping them off so I could finally get some quiet and coffee!  Yeah right, I got to the end of the road and had to give way to a family of ducks that could not quite decide what direction they wanted to go in.  Then further down the road the farmer decided to add to my woes by taking his herd of cows to the paddock across the road.  I dutifully stopped, even though I could have done with a few roasts in my freezer, and waited for the freaking things.

Finally everyone is dropped off and I am almost salivating at the thought of my empty and silent home.  I get half way home and realize my son has left his lunch in the car and have to turn around and deliver it to him.

I am home now, with coffee in hand and the f'ing council have decided to mow the large tract of land directly behind our house.

Will this day never end?

I do have to admit that the yogurt song actually sounded very funny and once I have had some quiet time and ingested a little more caffeine I will likely search it out on youtube and listen to it again!

Nothing broke yesterday, well unless you count them turning the water off again.  I am sure they turn it off late afternoon, when people are beginning to think about cooking, on purpose.  You can just see all these watercare guys sitting around having smoko saying 'hey bro let's see how many housewives we can piss off today'

I may get some bruises today, or at the very least sore nipples I hope.  I really do not have any idea as yet what form the play will take but am looking forward to it regardless.  There is not much that I won't indulge in so the choices for play are extensive.

-chuckles-  I am sitting here about 1 hour away from playing and have not yet even showered.  I don't shower until after the kids have gone to school coz my son uses all the bloody hot water for his shower.  Today I am even later than usual.  I suppose I should go and at least think about getting myself ready for the fun and pain!

They say bad luck comes in threes; well the tv and drier were 1 and 2 and hopefully 3 was the fact that we have been without water for the best part of the day.  There is a burst pipe somewhere in the area and it seems to be taking them forever to fix it.

I would do about anything to be able to have a cool shower about now, not to mention having some water so I could do the potatoes, etc for dinner!

My house is quiet, all the extra teenagers have left and one of mine is out as well.  I always look forward to Sundays and a return to what passes for normalcy in our home.  I wish I could say that that was it until next weekend but this year my son is bringing one of his friends home every afternoon until the kids mother finishes work.  The trade-off (i think) is that come Friday afternoon they will take my son to their place for the weekend.  Oddly enough I am more than happy about that if that is in fact what happens!  Find somewhere for my daughter and I may get to go out some weekends, or have friends over... hell anything i want!

bleh - not a good day with electrical stuff.  the tv sort of died.  it goes, but it keeps turning itself off, at times within a second of us turning it on.  WTF?  My drier as well, it works but has stopped blowing hot.  OMG what else can go wrong?

Maybe I should just go and bang my head against a brick wall -chuckles-  at least nothing would break!

Well we were meant to go to a comedy show tonight run by one of my son's friends. That is not happening now but that is ok, I enjoy time with my kids however we spend it. Monday is coming! School will be back in for both kids!  I am so excited lol

I can clean my house and not have kids behind me leaving a trail of destruction.  I am being optimistic and already trying to catch up with all the laundry.  How kids can go through so many sets of clothes in one day is one of life's great mysteries.

As for me, I have a fairly busy week ahead of me both inside and outside the house but am looking forward to being able to do my running around with a child tagging along trying to wear me down into buying them something.

Once things settle down in another week or so it will definitely be time to have some bruising applied by a kind (or not so kind) hand.

God if only perspiration were body fat then I would have lost the bulk of my weight today!  If only it were that easy.  Come Monday though my kids and I begin the process of moving to a healthier eating regime.  They are keen... today, come this time next week I am quite sure I will be the only one not eating junk food!

My son and I are going to be having a sit down this weekend that may end up being confrontational.  He has a very strong personality, perhaps too strong for his age and he can be quite verbally abusive towards me.  I mean downright ugly and nasty and even on occasion threatening.  It is time for him to learn that:

a.  I am not scared of him mentally, emotionally or indeed physically,

b. that if I wanted to lower myself to his standards I could hurl verbal abuse at him that would leave him dead in the water, and

c. that I will no longer tolerate abuse of this nature from him.

Being the 'man' of the house, in his mind at least, has given him an overblown sense of power and it is time his balloon was burst.  I have slowly been standing up to him more and more and now it is time to have it out once and for all.  My biggest problem to date is that I will not reduce myself to his level and yell and scream.  I am -not- going to fight with a teenager.  Because of the fact that I have not fought back on a verbal or physical level he now believes that I will accept his behaviour and it is time he learned just how wrong he is.

-chuckles- it won't be pretty and there can only be one winner, but that winner will be me!

Alone at last!  Just back from the morning school run and settling down for my last coffee of the morning before I start my chores.

Last night I was sent a link of pictures of needle play, the guy who had done them was truly talented in this regard.  My initial thought was 'ow' and once I saw the first picture where he had used fish hooks instead of needles that 'ow' increased in volume even as in the dark recesses of my mind I was wondering what it would be like to be his 'canvas' knowing that he was about to slide fish hooks into your skin.

I am definitely a thinker, my mind is always busy and last night was no exception.  Once I had that initial thought I realized that submissives are a figurative canvas for dominants in any case.  Our past life is already drawn upon the canvas when he receives it and he/she then adds their own signature.  This could take the form of actual artwork (tattoos, piercings, even perhaps a brand), or it could be a scar left from harsh play, a change in behaviours to suit him, his training of you, etc.  The list really is endless including the current dominant removing strokes left by previous dominants; i.e. changing behaviours that they had instilled in the submissive.

Talk about interrupting my train of thought lol I just had a friend's son and his mate at the door.  It is the poor kids second day at college and he missed the bus so I ran the two of them up to school.  That is my second trip out already this morning and I just realized that I was so busy putting my daughter's damn hair extensions in that I forgot to brush my own hair, luckily I do not have major bed head this morning!  I had her cut my hair last week -sigh- it was hard to do, it used to reach the top of my arse and I had her cut it to waist length.  Honestly though were it not for my love of having it pulled I would have had it cut shoulder length as it is too hot.

Oh I forgot the big news!  I am trying to arrange a needle play session with a Domme.  I have never done needle play but it has been something I have wanted to try for a long time.  At this point in time we are not even talking dates but we have begun to discuss the possibility of meeting up to see if we get along and will then decide about if we will have a play session.

Silence truly is golden, particularly when it occurs close to the end of the long summer holidays.  One child is at school and the other is away for the week.  I had forgotten how much I enjoyed time out!

I have not played since some time before xmas and am starting to get the urge, perhaps now school is back in that will happen!

Anyway, I have to do some baking and household chores, yaaaaa me -chuckles-  I do not actually mind doing them now that the kids are out.

I am so damn hot right now, all I can think about is the cold shower I am soon going to have.

Today was momentous, one child returned to school!!  One down, one to go; by this time next week I will have my house to myself during the day again.  I should be thankful that the summer holidays in NZ are not as long as in the USA, that was major stress!

Big news!  My nipple clamp and the magnets have been happily reunited... I think I have all my clamps now although I am not sure if I have seen my clovers since returning.  -chuckles-  No biggie if I lost them, I hated those things with a vengeance.

I was thinking the other day about toys and pondering on what my favorite and least favorite were.  It took only a few minutes for me to realize that they were in fact one and the same.  My favorite implement of pleasure and giver of pain is a Dominant.  At first I was thinking about his mind and his ability to get inside my head and make me crave to please him above all else.  But then I realized that was wrong, it is all of him (if there is that special connection).  A dominants voice can bring me great pleasure or make me cry, his eyes can caress me or freeze me in fear and shame, his hands can torment me with pleasure or torture me with pain.  His mind is definitely his biggest asset in my mind but really it has to be the total package.

As far as 'actual' toys; my favorite would have to be rope and/or gags and my least favorite is definitely the cattle prod!

In one of life's little ironies I was taking my car down to the shore on Friday to have it assessed for repair when... it broke down on the side of the motorway.  But wait, there is more!  With 4 of us in the car we had to wait for a large truck that could carry all of us, as well as it being a transporter because the car is automatic.  The AA tell me the truck will be 1 - 1.5 hours.  An hour later a truck pulls up in front of us (no way it could take 4 passengers) and I get out to talk to the driver.  He informed me that the truck that was coming for us had broken down and he was just stopping to let us know that there were dispatching another one.

All up it took us 2.5 hours from the time we broke down until we actually dropped the car off in Glenfield.

We were given a courtesy car thank goodness.  It is tiny though and the kids had to have the fold up mattresses on their knees, their faces almost buried in them. 

It was an 'adventure'

Even so it was good to have a couple of days away, although I am glad to be back home today.

Oh, my daughter slipped one by me and met up with her bf from facebook.  He actually turned out to be an ok kid and stayed with us for the weekend.  Punishment to come for her though for lying to me!

Well I am about to have my last mouthful of coffee and am off to unpack and start washing clothes!

Oh big news; over 3 weeks without a smoke!

The past few days I have been thinking (always a dangerous thing) about bdsm, myself; too many things to list in all honesty.

I classify myself as a slave on this site because everyone seems to have this need for titles.  In a face to face conversation I would simply call myself submissive.  Note the lack of the word 'a' in that, I am submissive rather than I am a submissive.  To me there is little difference.  Yes I know the 'accepted' arguments regarding this but really it is not about roles so much as depth of roles; to my mind at least.  I personally set my level of submission to match what is desired of me, therefore to use titles there are times that I am a submissive just as there have been times in my life I have been a slave.  It is all about what the dominant in my life at any given time wants from me.

Slave and submissive are just words, the same as Dominant and Master.  It is the person who defines the words, not the other way around so why do some people pay so much heed to these titles?  

Another word that I have come to despise is 'real.'  Who am I to decide if Joe Blow is a real dominant?  Who is he to decide if I am a real submissive?  Why denigrate people by calling them fake just because their reality does not match your reality?  I am not complaining because this happens to me although this train of thought did come about because of something said to me in an email from someone on this site.  The email read almost as a barb though perhaps it was not meant that way.  Without the benefit of a person's physical presence or at least vocal intonations it can be hard to 'read' their intent.  Anyway, this seemed to be to be a snide remark about a slave (said slave being me) having the cheek to list hard limits.  Guess what folks, I can have as many limits as I wish.  When unowned they are mine to set, when owned they are given up to the dominant in my life and he will decide which will be allowed to remain and which will not.  It is always possible that some hard limits that I am allowed will change. I have found in my past that things I perceived to be hard limits were in fact very fluid when my desire to please an owner surpassed my dislike of the so called 'limited activity.'

I will come back to this later, right now I need to go and do somethings around the house.  I would much rather write about toys but I have not yet completed all the household chores I set for myself this morning and I would like to get them out of the way first.

It is a beautiful morning and the thought of finding some shade outside and taking a good book and hot coffee out there with me is so tempting.  However reality is far different today, instead I am researching 'trademarks' and company name protection protocols for a friend.  Later today I will go ahead and register his company logo as a trademark but I want to ensure I know what it is all about first and that it will offer the level of protection he and his partner are seeking.

I am not really complaining, I enjoy doing research of this nature, in fact I enjoy anything that is a learning experience so to speak.  You can never have enough knowledge!  This year the first couple of months will be fairly quiet for me, after that things will get a bit busier but I thought I might start to teach myself either programming or improve my knowledge on all things graphic or build on my very basic html skills.  Just because I am going to have to take time out of working does not need to mean I have to waste the time and can instead give some of it over to learning new, or improving current, skills.

I am not sure what is happening to me -laughs-  I never used to be a cup half full or even half empty type of person; it was just bloody half a cup.  Nowadays I feel so much more positive I am definitely leaning towards that half cup being a little on the full side!  OMG I will have to hide this new me from family and friends, they will miss the acerbic wit I am usually known for.  They may not recognize the new and improved me that actually has a positive outlook on life!

Who'd've thought that double contractions existed?

My mind goes on some odd journeys and today is no exception.  Now that I am not working I am a voracious reader (thrillers for the most part) and today I saw something that I had never seen before: a double contraction.  I think it was I'd've.  I always thought myself to be quite intelligent when it came to both the written and spoken word but I had never seen this before.

I just had to investigate. I know, none of you really want to know about this but I found it interesting.  Double  contractions are in fact legitimate and are  in common use by novelists and playwrights when creating natural dialogue, as in "I'm sure she'd've said," and suchlike.

-chuckles-  Just think, when next you see a double contraction you will be able to think back to this post and will know it is acceptable word usage!

I was going to gripe today about setting up meetings with people on this site that do not work out but I am in too good a mood for that now.

Oh, talk about reading.. I have set myself the task of actually reading the Gor books this year.  That's an 'ugh' task, I know.  I have to do it though, I ran down the complete series years ago but only managed to read the first 4 of them.  John Norman sucks as a writer!

Yesterday turned out to be an amazing day!

One of my kids is now on a 6 week trial at a tiny private school up here.  I would have liked both to go there but the eldest absolutely refuses to even entertain the idea.  Best of all though the school starts back a week earlier than the local college so by this time next week I will be down one child!   The school is so small there are only two teachers and as far as high school seniors go I think my kid makes the total 11.

Fingers crossed that the trial goes ok!

I have a busy week ahead of me but after the hum drum of school holidays am looking forward to it. 

Onwards and upwards!

ugh - that pretty much describes my morning so far.  I have sorted my car issue out; almost.  I am taking it in on Friday to be assessed but the place is out of loan cars for another two weeks AND given the hell hole I live in is so remote I cannot do without a vehicle so it will be at least two weeks before my car is fixed.  -chuckles-  It is not really that remote but it is definitely not in the heart of the city, so I absolutely have to have a loan vehicle.

While I am down on the Shore I figure I may as well do an overnight visit with my mother, that alone is worthy of a double 'ugh.'  I love the woman to bits but she and I are just like chalk and cheese.  -laughs-  It drives the kids and I insane at night when we have this couple in their 80's with the tv blaring, and I do mean blaring and yelling at the top of their lungs to be heard over the sound of it.  I am not really complaining though, I enjoy the visits despite all of that.

2011 is going to be my year.  I have held on to that thought for quite a while now and still believe it.  My smoking (or should I say 'not' smoking) is going really well and getting easier day by day.  Once I have stopped taking the Champix and am still smoke free my doctor is going to put me forward for weight reduction surgery.  Big excitement over that one, but even if I do not make it through their elimination process (only 20 surgeries per year are funded by the govt) I will lose the weight on my own.  It will just be a lot slower.  I do have a secret weapon in my arsenal as far as convincing the hospital to select me but how effective it will be is anyone's guess.

I use my weight as protection and guess what, I do not need to be the funny fat chick any more.  To quote an old and truly horrible song 'I am woman, hear my roar' or if you are of the dominant persuasion, hear me whimper and beg.

Wow serious stuff this morning - chuckles-

I have had a couple of fairly traumatic years, emotionally that is, but guess what?  It is over and I am back.  This year I am going to get my life sorted out and back on track.  It will likely be another year before I can return to work given problems one of my kids is experiencing and I am going to see if I can use that time to retrain.  I know I could always go back to accounting/admin/secretarial work but I would really like a change.  I love playing with graphics and would love to have a go at making a career out of either that or website design.  All this from the woman who cannot even draw a straight line!!!!

OMG I found the last magnetic weight today for my nipple clamps.  It has been missing ever since I moved in.... until today that is.  Now I just need to find the clamps.

Is it wrong for a slave to have so many toys she cannot keep them all in one place?

I think I have 3 drawers of toys and a large bag of stuff and I know there are other bits and pieces around as well.  It is really frustrating not being able to keep everything together.

One day soon I am going to sort it all out so that at least it is more organized, i.e. all gags in one place, all sets of clamps together, etc.  As it stands things were just thrown into drawers and out of sight when I was unpacking everything.

2 weeks now without a smoke.  There is no physical craving but the mental ones still exist.  They are slowly becoming less frequent though and are, for the most part, easily ignored.

The car is still f%$#ed and I am no closer to getting it repaired, I have just taken a laid back approach.  Stressing was not getting it fixed either and I am just not going to stress over it any more.  I will either find a solution or I won't.  Perhaps that sounds defeatist to some but right now it feels like common sense to me.

God I pity people I made coffee for over the years.  Now that my taste buds are gaining strength from giving up smoking I have discovered that the coffee I was making was disgusting.  Talk about strong, it tasted really bitter and burned lol  I am now using half as much coffee on the spoon as I was two weeks ago.

Boring entry today but then again every day cannot be filled with fun and absurdities, well it can especially in this family but I try to keep family stuff out of this journal for the most part.

so I am sitting here waiting to go grocery shopping.  -I- am ready but dear god I am waiting on the kid to put in pink and black hair extensions, clean the new tongue piercing, et al.

maybe I will get to go in an hour!

Thank god I only have a few more years of this motherhood stuff!!!!

ugh talking about piercing reminds me that I need to try and find my nipple rings because the thread on one of my bars is screwed (pardon the pun) and the bead keeps falling off.

-bangs head- the kid is ready but apparently photographs are called for before the new look is unveiled in public.

OMG I would kill for a smoke, hell I would give a blow job for a smoke.  Champix is certainly dealing with the physical craving but the mental 'need' is intense.  The moment I stop doing something, or sit down the relax there is suddenly this almost overpowering desire for a smoke.  I so wanted to buy a packet while I was at the store today.

Every day that I get through though is a day closer to overcoming my addiction but god it is hard.