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MistressJewel
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ravenwolf12
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Unavailable.
I hate these little profile blurb things, but I'll go ahead and fill it out. I'm a Psychology Student in Tennessee
I suppose that I'm supposed to say a little about my submissiveness. It's probably cliche' but I've been submissive for nearly as long as I've been breathing. I just didn't have a word for it for it until I was 18 -- make that 17. Okay, so yes, i sneaked in under the radar.
Any further than that, I hate labels. I don't believe in the whole sub vs slave or Dom/me vs Master/tress. I think people can only be who they are, and labeling might help for a time, but it really isn't effective for living your life.
I'm fairly assertive, strong-headed, and opinionated. I have every interest of genuinely being my own person. I don't trust easily anymore. Sorry. Being burned will make you shy.
I want to surrender. It's beautiful and serving fills me with joy, but I'm no longer stupid about it. I'm not going to meet you at a hotel because you live 500 plus miles away. I'm not going to wander off alone with you on a first date. Believe me, nothing will make me run away from you faster than a desire to scene or have sex or have me get in your car on the first meeting. I've been down that road before. It did not go well.
I used to believe that age didn't matter -- till I found out that it does. I dated a man 12 years my senior one and felt belittled. I recently dated a man 7 years younger, who I truly gave my heart away to. After two years of hearing time and time again that he loved me and wanted to be with me forever, he said he wasn't ready to commit.
Things like that hurt, and I've learned.
I've got baggage -- it's called life -- but I keep plodding onward with it.
I can be bright, funny, and spontaneous. But I can also be moody.
Welcome to the world of the woman. Wanna know what it's like, guys?
Heat a room up to 100 degrees F, Then, take an ice maker and let it blow super cold air into the room at random. Then, get a few friends...have one cry constantly, have another chatter away at top speed...have someone else laugh at opportune times. Then, while listening to them, clean the whole room from top to bottom while studying for your degree. Don't forget to cook the dinner and please your man, your boss, your children, and your mother. Insert short periods of sleep. Do all this wearing something sexy with high heels, and try to look gorgeous while doing it.
How do you think you'll fair?
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I haven't posted here for quite a while. I thought my last post had more than enough drama :)
Someone asked me the other day about baggage, and I asked them where are you going to find a person who doesn't have any?
Isn't it crazy to demand a person to come to you free of problems? It's like shopping at the grocery store or ordering dinner..."Yeah, I'd like him, tall, dark and handsome--with a dish of Dom on the side and if you don't mind--hold the baggage!
Yuck! People are people and they don't come in a 'baggage free' recipie. Everyone has had their share of experiences--good and bad. Does it make it hard sometimes to have a relationship if you have to deal with someone's past? Yeah, it does...cause I'm sure you're not the overcritical mom...the abusive father...the deep dark fear they can't get away from. And, you didn't sign onto the relationship to rescue anyone. Or it could be little bitty things...little bags...things that you might even think shouldn't be baggage at all.
Oh, they might hide it well...tucked under the matress for a rainy day when everything has gone wrong...waiting to pounce out and reveal its ugly head.
But consider this...maybe they didn't ask you to rescue them...
Maybe it's enough to allow them to have problems....work through their problems...and just be the person who doesn't run at the first sign of something less than bubbly.
**note** this isn't meant for anyone in particular...just my random thoughts.
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So, i will retract here. i feel i do owe it to him though no one would know who i had been talking about in the first place. The person who i had judged so harshly for not talking to me anymore because of my weight messaged me to tell me that he had the flu. So, yes, i prejugded his silence as one more rejection because i revealed my size.
But, like i responded to him. How am i supposed to know he has the flu. So i'm kinda stuck there. And, then, he is under absolutely no obligation to message me in the first place. So, i'm stuck there. All i had to go by was this conversation in which he states reason after reason of his disinterest in overweight women. and while i tried not to judge what he was saying as personal, tried to let him have his feelings over the subject....
How in the world can i be 100 percent objective.
i was hurt. i mean...yeah i'm trying to lose weight...but don't always do well. so it deeply, deeply hurt me. Did i tell him that--well, no...because he said he didn't exactly mean me.
i'm not gonna get melodramatic and say,,,he has no idea what it is like to be overweight or overweight as a woman.
What i do wish to point out is that...it isn't so damn easy to change a whole life's worth of habits. if the fact that it is not easy for me makes me lazy or revolting (two things that he never said i was in his conversation, but two things i just felt afterward from what he said about overweight people) then i can't help how i'm seen.
i could be skinny and you'd find someone who thought i was still overweight. what is beauty is always changing in society and society has a way of truly damaging self perspectives. that is why you have people cutting themselves, commiting suicide and embracing anorexia and belimia (yeah i don't think i spelled that right, but ya get the picture). Oh sure, yeah, they have issues, but where'd those issues come from?
it came from a mother telling her daughter...quit eating so much or you'll get as big as a cow.
media saying that you're not worthy of love or respect if your body doesn't fit into a size 3.
mother or father again saying: you'd be prettier if you were thinner.
employer giving the job to the younger, prettier/ or more handsome person.
social events like prom...where beauty is the girl who starved herself to get into the dress and didn't eat anything all night..just to get a little sparkly tiera that says.....'i look pretty'.
a culture that ignores the idea that overweight people have an opinion, a sense of fashion, and that there are not 'one size fits all diets'. A culture that is quick to judge and slow to educate about nutritional needs. media slams you with ....eat the super sized meal...with a super-sized dessert.
and an age where everyone must eat on the go...and as unhealthy as possible...though we are starting to see better opitons.
So, now, how is that for hypocritical (as a society)? Reward the thin..who are obviously more important and more appealing...and ignore and point fingers at the girl shoving the brownies down her face because she's tried five hundred times to exercise and it feels like a task larger than herself and no one cares whether she succeeds or falls on her ass.
So you get people with this deep, deep pain under the layers. They can't share their pain...because who would understand? they'd tell them...oh that's easy to fix...just work out. just hit the gym and eat the salads and you'll be good. they can't say they tried that and they hate the salads....they feel like they are starving and they would hit the gym but can't afford the 2 year contract at 70 dollars a month just to access the equiptment that they don't know how to use because their kid's needs come first.
so, they bury the pain. they feel helpless, hopeless and they eat because it numbs the pain. but then they can't feel anything because they are too numb.
So, they cut themselfs, punish themselves because they've been bad to let themselves go this far. But the self-infliction of punishment doesn't offer a cure. And the temporary relief of their anxiety through the focus on the pain offers nothing more than a distraction....
until life offers no joy, no acceptance, and nothing of value. And, they seek only to stop having to worry about it. and it seems insanely comforting...the idea of just disappearing. then, they wouldn't be fat anymore or at least they wouldn't know they were. So they take their life...and sometimes almost with a hint of the hopefulness and acceptance that may have once pulled them back from it.
This is not me, but at once point it so could have been and ....sad to say it is a lot of other people.
That's why i wish others who think they are so certain as to what 'fat people' should or shouldn't do...could judge a little less and have a bit more compassion.
allykat |
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So, since he found out that i was overweight, a certain person (i will not mention names) that i was enjoying talking to has not spoken to me since. i find this incredibly crass--especially since before he knew--we were talking almost every day. Nuff said.
i tend to respect others feelings--even when they differ from mine. i even respected his when he said most likely the worst things about overweight people to me. i mean, those are his feelings and you have to let people feel as they need to feel.
What i feel is funny is that he didn't bother to ask me how overweight i am? 10 pounds? 20 pounds? 140 pounds? 300 pounds? You get the picture. Instead he told me...let's say you have two guys sitting there. They are completely the same in all respects, but one guy is muscular and fit and the other guy is overweight. Who ya gonna go for?
i see his point--however--that is not a realistic situation. He is not thinking in realistic terms. You are not gonna find two people who think completely alike or who treat you completely alike. And in the end, if you have the muscle man of your dreams or the hottest babe in the world--eventually--be it from age or other factors--that bod is gonna change.
He says....oh well, i'd dump the girl if she suddenly started putting on weight. oO(remind me to include that in my contract with a future Master...a little spot that deals with changing body)
And i thought...WTF...
there's a little phrase i've heard time and time again from mentors in and out of this lifestyle and it goes like this...
"Never--ever--make Someone your priority, while you remain Their option."
i mean...he's gonna collar that girl. she's gonna serve him. she's going to invest in that relationship by pouring out herself. And then slowly over time...for some reason she's gonna put on some weight and it just isn't gonna come off and he's gonna say see ya?
What ever freakin became of commitment?
He said if it was something medical that she couldn't help or an accident he'd stay with her. Well, oh....that is nice, but you've already revealed that you would think differently. You've already revealed your mindset. it would drive me nuts knowing that no matter what i did...my Master is repulsed by me. i'd rather wish he would release me so i could find someone who would be pleased by me as i am---not me as i could be or me as i was.
And what about all of this helping a person to be all they can be (to sound cliche')? Okay, yeah, say they don't want to work out. Say she does decide to eat every doughnut she gets her hands on. You are gonna dump her without trying to find out what triggered it? How about working together...as in "hey, i've noticed your not even thinking about what your eating. what's wrong?" or maybe...want to go run with me? So you want to be a passive Master? One who thinks that the power exchange is a one track....she submits to you and you just grin and say...oh isn't this nice? Oh yes, that's nice and Masterly of you.
Grow up. that's not the power exchange. that's a dictatorship and certainly not a relationship.
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There was something quite humorous today. i recieved an email with the only line..."r u a slut?"
my reaction was...where'd this guy learn his pickup lines? i mean...there wasn't even a "Hello! Are you a slut?"...which would have at least been semi-polite and grammatically correct!
And i wanted to respond...but i didn't..."unfortunately, not to you!"
allykat |
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Here are the famous two starting lines i've encountered here: Hey there, how are ya; (and before it's been posted a millisecond) Have a pic? Or, there's always the very 'masterly' way of saying it, "Describe yourself in detail." And perhaps that would be lovely later on when it's clear the person wants to get to know me for me.
Firstly, i have no problem with someone who wants to know what i look like, but if someone is going to ask me what i look like as a basis for whether or not we have a simple conversation with me; then, they can pass me right by and be careful of the revolving door when they leave.
i'm sorry, but it strikes as a bit childish and one track minded to be asked what i look like straight out of the gate. please, don't message me if you are just looking for someone to speak to while you take care of yourself. In fact, go take care of yourself and then come back when you aren't too sexually frustrated to have a conversation.....
In fact....
i will make it even easier. i am a large girl. i am overweight. there i said it. if you have issues with it...that is fine. it is your right and no hard feelings from me. Don't worry, my self esteem does not hang off the end of your statement of disinterest in my bodytype. my world will not end because of that--a assure you.
That said. i have my own issues with it...but i do what any normal person does with it. i deal with it as best as i can.
one final thing i always remind myself is that ....i do want to lose weight. i work out. being a nursing student, i want to project health as a nurse...and that is hard to do when you are overweight. my problem is that food is an emotional outlet. if i'm nervous--i eat. if i am sad--i eat. if i am celebrating--there's food. where i am is learning to break the cycle that keeps me overweight. I am sorry if i seem a bit harsh in this, but i don't really care if this journal entry puts a screaching halt to my profile views or conversations!
No, wait, i'm not sorry! There goes my desire to please kicking in. Must resist....
Yes, it is harsh, but i must look out for myself. Some people will not be happy with a bigger girl. That's okay, but i can't think about their happiness, i must think about mine. i would never be happy with a Master who does not enjoy what i do have to offer either with my body or my heart. Besides, submission isn't free of backbone or self respect!
And i guess one who actually reads this and still steps forward to say hello....well, He might be wanting more, have a keener mind, and a bigger heart than the average joe with his hand down his pants and be worth my time.
allykat |
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okay,
so i just found out that these journal entries can be seen by the public...and so i'm resisting the urge to delete my last post.
or well, maybe i should leave it up. not sure why, but it seems best to. |
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some of this stuff is incredibly hard to word. |
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i've never used this journal before, but i think i might start.
this is one of those nights where i am sitting here craving 'the stuff' of what it is that we do.
i could find a casual partner, but i don't think i wish to do that. i mean, 'the stuff' is great, but it is only part of it and means absolutely nothing (to me that is) without the relationship. That's just me thought. it is part of the reason i'm not a bottom. and, i respect the choice of a person who identifies as a bottom or top, but i identify as a submissive/masochist. okay..yeah yeah yeah. yes, i enjoy the stuff but it is the relationship that i am intensely interested in.
just my thoughts...not a soapbox.
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