alildirtywish on Collarspace

P.S. If you can catch the five quotes/references (technically there are 6) in my profile and tell me who wrote then I'll probably be extremely impressed. No cheating!


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	Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater. For the longest time I've tried to deny the submissive side of myself. A very complex and complicated past led me to associate the lifestyle with the abuse I've been through. My ignorance of the way bdsm really worked convinced me that the lifestyle was some sort of sick and twisted fantasy that was the result of the disfunction I endured. After I was lucky enough to meet someone who will leave and imprint on my heart and my life for a long time to come, I now realize that my sexuality is not a leisure or part-time activity. It is a way of being. I was raised in a strict home where I was conditioned to obsess over attempting to always do the "socially acceptable" thing. Because bdsm seems to be such a taboo topic in society, it often gets incorrectly grouped with concepts such as perversion or molestation. Obviously these classistyle all together as "socially unacceptable" in my mind. However the aching in the pit of my stomach to submit in every encounter with dominance was almost unavoidable. Now that I look back, I wonder, who's to say that love needs to be soft and gentle? Once that truly submissive side of my personality was unwillingly unlocked I now realize that there is no turning back. I suppose all our reasoning (does) end in surrender to feeling (after all). The rush of indulging in my little dirty wish felt absolutely amazing, beyond anything words could possibly describe. I love feeling the vulnerability of not knowing what will happen next, the excitement of not being in control and the complete halt submitting brings to my mind. Being so in control in everyday life makes being worthless and helpless at the feet of my dominant that much sweeter. Someone once told me I crave certain things that get me in trouble. That I want to feel dirty but I need to feel safe long term - be taken care of. Sometimes I wonder if this person knows more about myself then I do because He was 100% correct. I can be extremely self-destructive at times, I'm not always easy to get along with, it takes a long time to earn my trust and I find a very small percentage of people sincere or intelligent for that matter. However (yes there is a positive to this paragraph) I have a true passion for life and always try to see the best in everything and everyone. My glass is generally half full. I have a very sweet side that is constantly caring for others and seeking to please them. This is the side of me that is more often than not, taken advantage of, which is why I have been through some of the traumatic events that I have been. I believe that a Master should be someone loving, caring, thoughtful, inspiring, decisive and persistent along with other traits. I aspire to find a long term (lifetime) Master who is not only my dominant but my best friend, lover, teacher and protector also. I need to find someone with a strong personality who will help me to remember to do less talking and more listening and sometimes stop me from thinking all together. There's something almost magical about being completely mindless and completely controlled. I need someone who's not afraid to put me in my place - after all, it's hard to stumble when you are already on your knee ;) But most important of all I need someone who loves me, with all His heart and mind and JUST me. I plan on giving myself entirely to someone and I except the same in return and will not settle for less than I deserve in this new and healthy chapter in my life. Feel free to message. If you can't already tell I'm quite chatty and usually very friendly :) A few helpful guidelines when messaging me: -Attempt to be more original than asking what my dirty wish is (if you actually read my profile you would know) -No I don't want to join your poly household -No I won't submit to you after one message -No I'm not going to meet you for play OR drinks without talking some first -No I don't want to move to Austria or the middle of nowhere to live with you. I like where I live now thank you. -If I don't respond, please take a hint -I would prefer for the first picture you send me of yourself to not be an image of your dick. Not appealing. -"Hi" ... ok hi? Do you have anything else to say? -Don't like me? Don't like something I said? Think I'm too opinionated for a submissive? I don't particularly care. You're wasting your breath. -Please, for heavens sake have some class. I'm a lady, not a piece of meat and I enjoy being treated like one. xo N. P.S. If you can catch the five quotes/references (technically there are 6) in my profile and tell me who wrote then I'll probably be extremely impressed. No cheating!

8/7/2011 10:25:59 AM

I don't think I could possibly be any more frustrated with the fact that I've discovered I'm submissive than I currently am now. It seems like it's going to be near to impossible to find the relationship I want to be in.

Men seem to be one or the other in my life. Either guys that I've fallen in love with and I think are amazing that aren't capable of truly being dominant or guys that understand me 100% (and know it) but aren't able to be there for me. Which is better to stick with? The sweetheart you care so much about whose 100 years away from being able to get you off or the asshole who makes you feel amazing and fulfilled then drops you on your face? Which tales precedent, emotion or physical needs?

I'm a little more lost than I usually am...

alildaisyi

alildestin