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Im a bodybuilding businessman (upper management) who treats his love life like a business. Yes, Im a nerdjock combo. I do screen and interview carefully, but you can do it (Im also a bit of a cheerleader)!
I love video games (LAN gaming), building the better mousetrap, and shaping the world with the teamwork of those I love and hold dear (imagine a kinky Elon Musk). Im a professional photographer and career designer with a decade of experience in the world of VIP escort companions.
I have a good deal of experience with Ms and total power exchange relationships (20 years). I have tried switching and find it fun for the sake of variety, but being dominant is my default. This profile is used for dating. I have another profile that has hundreds of friends in the local kink community on it and is very busy for other things, so I decided to make one to reach out to people with.
I want an obedient co-pilot, not just in a play situation but in every aspect of our life. If you have management, modeling, or military experience, this is also is a plus. Were I to find the right person, I am capable of keeping someone 247 and have done this in the past. Contacting me is welcome.
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NEW WHIP WORKSHOP AT EDGES
7/14 FROM 7:00 PM TO 9:00PM
$5 WITH CARD $10 WITHOUT CARD
E-MAIL EVENTS@EDGES.BIZ FOR LOCATION
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I talked to someone near and dear to me from my past, and she made some wonderful points to me. How can I expect someone to feel safe being led by me, if I am still getting my life together? I know the drills. I know what to do, and what not to do. What I don't know is if I have had a conversation that I have already had several times with a given person. My memory, concentration, and energy is shot. I have trouble with anxiety. I don't let it take control of me, or do mean things because of it. What I am not however is inspiring alpha material. It is more than the ability to do alpha things, and feel alpha feelings, it is a feeling you pick up from someone. Right now, I need someone to take care of me. If someone who desires to be led gets involved with me, she'll be in a care taking role with me until I get better. That pretty much screws up any potential for an M/s dynamic in the future, and there will be frustration when she doesn't yield. It is therefore impossible for a submissive woman to give me what I want until I am what she needs. I am limited by this medical condition. I am almost there now, I just have to be patient. |
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Well, damn. Now after seeing someone I've been told my personality is unattractive. I doubt if there is much point in dating anyone until after my sleep apnea is treated with the surgery that is scheduled for the 14th of July. It really does give me a nasty time, having this condition. I had my first anxiety attack last weekend, the first ever in my life. I generally don't smoke much, but I've been smoking more lately than ever before. What I wonder, is "For better or for worse", will I ever have that? Sure, the odds are good I'll be with someone who appreciates me and is there for me when I'm on top of the world but what if I fall ill and need to be cared for a while? Now I am dreading the call to my parents to ask to be looked after for the full month the surgery will require for my recovery. The most recent person I just split up with was because my personality is unattractive, and the person before that was because I need a slave and she doesn't want to be one. Before that it was because though she was happy with me, she had all of these other plans for her life that weren't compatible with me. The person before that, it was very odd, but apparently at least partly because we are in the same professional field and she felt I didn't respect her expertise. Before that, someone who had different concepts of BDSM than I do. Before that, someone who dearly loves me but thinks that being with me endangers me due to her extremely hostile family. Before that, someone who was the most profound relationship for me whose family disapproved of our being together and eventually it tore us apart. Before that, someone who was my first D/s relationship and it fell apart because my sexual appetite was more than she could deal with. Oh my, I think my life just flashed before my eyes. |
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Why is suffering so sad when it is silent and purposless, yet so beautiful when it isn't? Poets and lovers, yearning for what they lack. Perhaps it is evidence of love, that they suffer for being bereft of that which they crave so deeply. The depth of the suffering indicates the depth of the love, and suffering bares the soul as it cries out for help. In the bareness of the soul, it is hard to doubt that there is indeed love in that longing. |
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A friendly goodbye. Is it really so hard to say? I was recently involved with a woman, who when told of a time that I was broken up with via email, told me how that was such a wretched thing and could never entertain such a thought. Now, instead, there are descriptions of the way I treated her that are described as "thoughts and feelings" which gives license apparently to say any old thing regardless of how harsh it may be and these things are written on a public blog. When I was told it wasn't going to work in emails (I was broken up with twice in the past that way), at least it was a private letter. I do have my views of certain things about her personality that I am not fond of, but rather than rant, I realize that I simply may not bring out the best in her. There may in fact be people who appreciate those very things that I find difficulty with in her. So again, I wish her the best and hope she finds the key to her happiness. There are now multiple entries on her journal that use very harsh words to describe me such as "Manipulative, pushy, cajoling, tantrum throwing" and much more. Does she enjoy wounding me by saying these things I wonder. I know many things about her. Things that she has told me she fully expects to be turned and used against her as insults and ammunition. Does the fact that I choose not to say such hurtful things to her represent an olive branch of peace? I hope so. Not to sound too much like Ghandi here, but I desire peace and happiness for all my fellow human beings-myself especially lol |
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After being wildly misunderstood, and slammed on the blog of someone who claims to love me, I am saddened that if we were to part that it was not under better terms. I made none of the demands that were claimed, and I feel slanderized and betrayed. I hope that it is possible to salvage a friendship. This came quite suddenly as the prior day I had heard very positive things. I do want her to find what she needs, and I recognize that it is quite apparently not me. Being incompatible is not the same as being flawed.  |
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I like this word: de·fer2 (dĭ-fûr')
v., -ferred, -fer·ring, -fers.
v.intr.
To submit to the opinion, wishes, or decision of another through respect or in recognition of his or her authority, knowledge, or judgment. See synonyms at yield. v.tr.
To commit or entrust to another. |
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A recent quote, from a woman I love: "I love the fact you want to make this work as much as I do." I'M OBSESSED, DIDN'T I WARN YOU? SOMETIMES IT SHOWS AS A PROFOUNDLY HELPFUL THING, AND OTHER TIMES, I HOPE YOU FORGIVE ME FOR BEING PERSISTENTLY BRAZEN. "I love the warmth and kindness you show me." THE LITTLE BUTTERFLY NEEDS TO KNOW IT'S SAFE TO OPEN HER WINGS, THEN I HOPE WE CAN FLY AND UM...THEN I CAN WHIP HER AND MAKE HER DO MY BIDDING. "I love the fact that you try and protect me." PROTECTING SOMEONE WHO IS DETERMINED TO PROTECT HERSELF AND IN HER OWN WAY IS CERTAINLY NOT EASY, BUT I TRY. "I love the fact that you want only the best things for me." SO LONG AS I AM THE ONE DETERMINING WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU, THEN OF COURSE! IT IS OF COURSE IN MY BEST INTEREST TO DO THIS. "I love the fact that you sexually drive me like no other man" VROOM!  |
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I have long identified with the mythical figure Pygmalion. The ancient Greek sculptor has little interest in women, but he carves a statue so real that he falls in love with it and prays to the goddess Aphrodite to bring it to life which she does and he then has a family with this woman. Some whom I am not involved with, but merely have conversations with at munches or discussion groups have said things like "Be careful what you wish for". Others, who I have been involved with, have seen it as being unappreciative of who they are. It is a rare woman who can be my artistic medium, exceedingly rare as I have only yet caught glimpses of what I seek. I wish to carve a woman, and work with her grain so I can discard the rough and useless bits while polishing and shaping what brings out her inner beauty. The famous movie My Fair Lady is based on the 1913 play Pygmalion, which has roots in the Greek myth. I know there are women who love this tale. Is it so hard to embrace the living reality of being the stone and subject of a man with vision? |
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Branding was awesome. There was a real sense of bonding and community, and I got to witness four different people being branded using three different techniques. I may wind up attending their two day hands on training course. www.fakir.org/classes/ |
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Tomorrow at the Citadel is a class on branding. I am so excited about going to this! There will be live demos on volunteers. Hot! No pun int...ok so the pun was intended lol |
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I met someone new, and after heading back, I did some thinking. Over the last 18 months I have met five people who I formed significant romantic relationships, at least for a time. I realize looking back that of those five people, two were ready for commitment. One of those people was ready for commitment but had different ideas about how M/s should work, and so we parted ways. With another, she was ready for commitment but there were personality conflicts even though we had similar ideas about M/s. With the remaining three that I have gotten close to, we apparently have compatible personalities and similar ideas about M/s but they seem commitment phobic for one reason or another. I seem to have the bad luck of finding incompatible women with whom I share a desire to be in a committed relationship, and of finding compatible women who are for whatever reason uncomfortable being committed. I suppose it isn't that it is hard finding someone who is ready to commit, or someone that is compatible, but it is really hard finding both in the same person. I do desire to be in a committed relationship, or at least committed on some level. I don't feel that I am in any sort of unreasonable rush, as I was in an M/s relationship last year for a significant period of time and we moved at the pace I set with no problems whatsoever. I do find it very important to be serious however, and to form something real. If I take things overly slow, it feels artificial to me and somewhat like there is false distance between us as though we are in a long distance relationship even though we are in the same space. I don't insist that someone do extreme things as openers to say the least, but it is important to me that there be a strong D/s dynamic present. |
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More details on that special person I met:
I had an amazing trip south around 150 miles to meet someone who I realized is very special in a hurry. We went to a tractor pull, and a rodeo, neither of which I had ever seen before. While we meshed well, she has a great deal going on in her life so I can't tell what kind of a future lies there for me if any. Regardless, we had an amazing four days together and her submissive response to me was just awesome. Training her in public, with a descretely worn remote shock collar (on the hip), certainly was a joy to behold. It was satisfying to see that even when I wasn't right there ready to push the button if needed, my training had a lasting effect on her in other situations and around other people. Clay for me to mold, that's how I like it! |
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Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Robert A. Heinlein
I want a woman to be my dog in that case! |
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Things are back in negotiation with my play partner, as some new details have come to light.
I met someone really special, and she is trying to sort out what matters most in her life and decide what she can do. She would be a prize to own. We'll see.
I went to Edges and played casually for the first time in my life. It was...well it left me feeling emotionally drained. She was married, and playing with someone new for the first time with her husband's blessing. It turned out she was ready to play with me, sex not included (less fun but still ok), but what it turned out is she didn't know what aftercare is and was not emotionally prepared to get it. It left me feeling really wierd when I could touch her everywhere, make her scream and moan, but if I was to touch her in any affectionate way she went stiff as a board. It took talking about this for over an hour before she relaxed enough to give me the first hug of the night, after we had finished playing. The class that happened earlier in the day was awesome though! Who knew rubber bands and accupuncture stuff could be so nasty? A hysterically giggling domme beating her bottom while her feet left the floor, using a hello kitty padded baseball bat was just an awesome sight to behold.
I have surgery next month on the 21st, and I still don't know who will be looking after me while I recover as no one has given me a commitment to it. |
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I have a play partner now. Good stuff. I do look forward to having 24/7, but this is certainly welcome just the same. |
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Update 1-17-2008
cravespleasure tells me she doesn't think she is a good fit for me, or at least right now. 2x in under 24 hours...that's unbelievable.
Update 1-16-2008
While our fantasies were compatible, our actions were not. I no longer own slaveofkaos, as we mutually, eventually reached a point with more stress than success. She has wonderful qualities for the right person, and I send her with my love and the best of wishes. She and I remain friends.
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The shape of things is changing dramatically. I feel very optomistic. Defining things right now doesn't seem like the right thing to do, but I am excited about the future. |
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The situation between me and Jodi has become bittersweet. While the power dynamic has become very solid, I also see very little of her. She says she is going through a rough time physically and emotionally, such that she is not willing to live with me. We see each other an average of once per week. There is often talk, and hopes of it being more, but the average remains that I see her once a week for a couple of days as an overnight stay. Back when we were having a great deal of trouble, confusion, and conflict, I asked her if she wondered if we might be better as play partners since when we saw less of each other in the beginning we also got along better. Now, after being used to having Jodi handy, she isn't here most of the time. She got sick a couple of weeks ago, and has gotten progressively more ill. I wonder if it is entirely coincidence that a few weeks after the moves out she gets really ill. She says she misses me terribly, but that she puts this in a category where she would sooner see the relationship end than move back in with me right now. I know she has been going to therapy lots, and it took so much of her time it was like a part time job. Now, she stays at Adam's (her slave), and says she feels obligated to do tons of favors for him and any of his relatives to pay him back for gas money, food, and the roof over her head since she's moved in with him. In addition, she is trying to get a part time job, see her family more since her mom will be moving away at some point, and I'm not sure what else. It seems there isn't a great deal of time left for me right now. She sent an email to the effect of all of this saying she understands if I need an additional slave due to her being unavailable and not living with me. She says she hopes and expects to live with me in the future. The new collar arrived two days ago, and she was supposed to arrive at my apartment and accept it but she was sick and didn't arrive, and is still sick apparently. It would be easier to not focus on the sadness of the situation if I wasn't recovering from surgery, and unable to go to the gym and study like usual. |
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Jodi is becoming the kind of slave that fits my own personal definition of the word. It took almost no time or thought at all. After four months of not being set on getting a collar, when I saw and heard what I needed to, I knew instinctively that it was time. She's getting the big whopper, the holey mackerel of collars. I'm getting that naughty "Harrison Ford smile" just thinking about it. |
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Jodi is yielding, and doing it with happiness. It is night and day, the difference between having someone obey happily and obey when not happy. She certainly is a ray of sunshine. Since taking Poly classes, allowing her to take a Male slave, and the both of us starting to talk to my LDR slave about whom she had been uneasy before, things are looking much brighter. My LDR slave is cautious and wants to be sure before she leaps, but things are the best they've ever been right now. It puts a smile on my face. |
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Thankfully, Jodi yielded. We're going to see if therapy is a good step to take. When she puts her mind into it, she's not only a good slave, she's impressively good so I'd naturally like to keep her. Like not being a strong enough word of course.
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Relationship Terrorism
Things seemed like they were going really, really well. Jodi and I, aka slaveofKaos, were seeing eye to eye on things we never had before. I was proud of her, inclined to show her off and brag about her, and comfortable with her.
A topic comes up that is still a problem topic for her, so when she "discusses" (via passive aggressive demand) it she essentially puts it like:
It's my way or the highway, (2 choices, but only 1 in which she'd stay) you either do what I want in this situation or I'm asking you to let me leave, but if you don't give permission to leave the M/s relationship I'll leave anyway so it really doesn't matter.
Even if I could see fit to grant Jodi what she asked for in her ultimatum (yes, from a slave, isn't it ironic), it would change the tone of the "M/s" which yes, I would have to put it in quotes from then onward if that's the direction we went.
I can see why governments don't negotiate with terrorists, now that I firsthand feel like I've been given demands for a chopper and a bag of money (doing things her way) or else she lights the fuse leading to a major support in my life (Jodi is major support to me) which I've been trying to rebuild my life still.
Jodi really has been wonderful to have, which makes it all the harder as she threatens to take herself away.
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There is an unexpected problem, where Jodi and I butt heads frequently. She calls it being opinionated, and says it's normal for any person who has thoughts and feelings to be this way and says I'm the first person who has ever been bothered by it. I call it fighting, disrespectful, and entirely non-submissive behaviour. I have met few vanilla folks who are this prone to argue, and in a D/s or M/s relationship it seems like entirely inappropriate behaviour to me. I intend to spend some time on the message boards to see what Masters and slaves both have to say on this topic. If in a weeks time this problem hasn't been resolved, I feel I will be forced to make a major change as what's been happening isn't working and is a source of great stress to us both.
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Jodi has been coming along nicely. There are occasional hurdles, but she is serious about overcoming them. For one example, she has hesitation about poly, or specifically, having any slave sisters as we're not talking about vanilla polyamory. She knows I have a slave who hasn't lived with me for awhile, and who I may yet have live-in in the future depending on many factors. Though she has had less than pleasant poly experiences in the past with less than honerable persons, she is reading books on overcoming jealousy and how-to books on polyamory. I am proud of her, and glad I have a slave who grows beyond her limitations as I see fit.
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Today I realized that with 50s wife being a fetish check item on collarme, that there is a similarity between the 1950s wife role and that of a submissive. Likewise, I liken the role of a slave with that of an 1850s wife. Too bad that isn't a fetish checklist option as well. We sure were different in terms of our interpersonal relationships before the industrial revolution hit. Brank, anyone? |
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My rules for Jodi. I make her copy them by hand daily as part of her chores, which also include deep throat training on a dildo increasing by 10 reps per day, and watching 2 MS Office training videos in order to prepare her for a new career I have in mind for her.
1) Don’t whine or complain.
2) If your behavior displeases me, stop immediately and ask how to become pleasing.
3) When told how to be pleasing, seek a way to do it without protest.
4) Do not offer explanations, give them only when asked.
5) Don’t protect either of us from my judgment; only ask if I am sure it’s what I want.
6) Believe I’m right whether you believe I am or not, make it so, never second guess me.
7) Like something because I like it
8) Dislike something because I dislike it
9) Have confidence in something because I do
10) Lack confidence in something because I do
11) Check with me to determine how to feel about something
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I just got a 2002 Corvette, convertible, black, with all the options, and an upgraded Borla exhaust which gives extra power and a mighty rumble. One of my male, straight co-workers offered to "go home with me" with a blush when I revved the engine in the parking lot. Driving in California is now fun! I also moved into a new apartment, that is fairly large I just have to find furnature to fill the place up. My slave is still working odd hours, and I look forward to when her job schedule allows more time for us to see each other.
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I am lucky enough to own a slave once again. While it's not my first time, this is my first slave with prior M/s experience which is a great relief that she's not a total n00b. slaveofKaos belongs to me now.
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I've come to realize that D/s isn't all the same. It isn't just about labels versus individualism either. I've also come to a better understanding of what makes a submissive differ from a slave. I don't have an off switch, and a submissive needs their dominant to switch off and on depending on the situation and mood. I therefore must not be distracted by submissives, no matter how cute, smart, and sexy they might be. Slaves only from here on out.
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The holidays went pretty well. I had an epiphany recently, one that I don't know exactly when it hit me but one that I put into words just lately. D/s is manditory for me, and optional for some. Unless D/s is manditory for my partner as well, no matter how much I might love that person it simply won't ever work. |
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I went north for the holidays to see family, and am writing from my portable computer I got recently. Can't call it a laptop exactly, think PDA that runs windows. Took me awhile to get on and check my email, and the forum thread I started but I made some posts and was very satisfied with how the discussion has thrived. I always wanted to be part of a munch group or somthing similar, and cosidered leading one for awhile, and this is really not that far off from the real thing. It reminds me of the days running the GBLC. |
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Well in truth I've been single for awhile, and tonight I decided to start accepting that and move on with my life. I've been on other single's sites in the past, and so far I have a good feeling here. It still makes me uneasy hearing about how women might get so many emails they can't even open them all, because I hardly want to compose somthing thoughtful only to have it disposed of. The forums on the other hand seem fine, and I posted there. As with other sites I've been on, the forum is the only sure way to get replies and one way or another you meet people I suppose which is how things start. I don't do well without a submissive woman though, I know that much. It's like a compressing force that threatens to crush me, and by force of sheer imagination and creativity because even will fails me when I feel so crushed, I invent my survival. |
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| Age: 30 |
| Jackson,
Mississippi |
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