ajsdone

Regarding the last post... No there is no one I have fallen for. It's just portions of the song that I needed to hear. To clarify, it is the following lyrics that I had to hear to get past what was going on in my head...

Just one of them days
That a girl goes through
When I'm angry inside
Don't want to take it out on you
Just one of them days
Don't take it personal

How is it that some of the most innocent comments evoke the most painful thoughts... Especially when that is not the intention of the person making the comment...

This is one of my favorite songs, and after the innocent comment, I burst into tears and had to play it for myself. 

"Don't Take It Personal (Just One Of Dem Days)"

Just random ridiculousness running around my mind....

Many times I have had male friends having women problems... They always ask me "WTF is wrong with this crazy bitch?" and I always curb what I say because I have usually been friends with them for several years. However, the first thought that always comes to my mind is "Baby, it's not you it's her."

If I said that then the following conversation would ensue...

Him: What's that even mean?

Me: Ha! You tell me, you men are the ones that made that shit up.... Figure it out!

Him: But I've never said that to a woman.

Me: *Sigh* It means she is tired of you, it really is you and nothing wrong with her, she is just tired of the same boring dick day after day. Just like you men get tired of the same kitty day after day. Then you come to us and say "It's not you it's me". That's a bullshit cop-out statement that means "Leave em the fuck alone, I'm done but I don't have the balls to leave so I want you to do it first."

That would end that friendship. And you men use that damn line for everything! Grow some balls and just tell a woman "Hey, I only want to fuck you for a short period of time, I don't want anything serious." The worst thing that can happen is she laughs at you, as if none of you have been laughed at before... Come on now...

On a brighter side, I have an interview Monday with AT&T... Nice pay, full benefits package, PTO, 401K, and even Tuition Reimbursement ( I get this job I could finish my degree!!). However, the person taking me to the interview will not want to drive to Lexington or Louisville twice a week to take me to training for 4 weeks. So I really need my car!! If any of you are in the Radcliff (Or close by area) and know your way around an engine please get in touch with me. I really need to figure out what is wrong with my baby and get her fixed, if possible. 

Just one of those nights... I can't sleep because there is so much on my mind and I'm getting a cold and can't breathe through my nose...

SO I figured I would write it all out.

My car is still not running well enough to drive it. I have had to turn down a bunch of job offers in Louisville because I have no way to get to the interviews since my car isn't working properly. It seems that the only places that want to hire me are in Louisville. Money has pretty much run out... No job in sight... and bills are coming due such as the utilities. I've no idea how I am going to do this. 

What makes it worse is I keep thinking of ways that I could have stayed with my husband or should have and just ignored the bullshit he was putting me and my child through. Then I immediately think I should hack all of his various accounts and post to all of his profiles that he is a no good lying, cheating.... well, you get the idea. 

I seem to have moved through the cycles of grief rather quickly. I accepted it when it happened, I was sad for a minute, and it has been sheer anger and hatred driving me over the last few weeks. I did forgive him but that does not mean I am not allowed to hate him for what he has done or that I can't be pissed off about it.

I just feel so stuck. Of course no one locally is hiring and the ones that are require a much higher education than my three years of college. I feel like time is running out. Thankfully, I was smart enough to pay several months of rent in advance. So it may get cold and dark in the house with no way to cook and no running water but damn it we have a roof over our heads I guess. The more I think about everything the more angry I get and I can't stop my mind from forming the thoughts. 

All I really want to do is curl up in a ball and cry but that will do no good. Besides I doubt any tears would come. I want so badly to lash out but there is nothing and no one to lash out on... What's a girl to do?

I hate this feeling I have. I hate having to depend on other people to take me places because that means asking for a ride or waiting until they have time or even if they can take me... I just want to be past this part... Kind of fast forward like the movie Click. I'm willing to work, I'm ready to do everything alone for the rest of my life, I accept that this will be my fate. But damn it can't I catch one freaking break?!

Oh and here's another bone I have to pick. If you are married and you and your wife/husband are looking for a playmate, leave me the hell out of your damn equation. I am NOT the one. 

I failed sharing and plays well with others in kindergarten. I still do not share or play well with others so just move on. Pretend my profile does not even exist.

If you are just looking for a quick piece of ass, MOVE ON. My cookie will not come out of the jar that easily. In fact, if you are not intelligent, cannot figure out spell check, or have no manners, please do not even send me a message. It will be deleted, you will be blocked, and no reply will ever be given.

On a lighter note, I was considering something drastic the other day. I was seriously putting thought into becoming a Domme. I know what it requires, I know how to play the part because I have had to be dominant my entire life even though my soul screamed for other things. The reason I was considering it is because then I would not be as likely to go through any more of this type of bullshit. I mean of course there would still be stupid stuff to deal with but at least I would be able to pick and choose what happens in that aspect.

See, didn't I say it was drastic? But seriously, I could be held when I wanted to be, have sex when and how I wanted it, and decide who the sub can or cannot speak to or what he could do with his time. There would be no worries of cheating or any of that type of BS. Because unlike so many Dom/Domme profiles here I would actually give my sub some respect. It takes a lot to give up control to another person and trust that they have your best interest in mind and at heart every moment. And damned if there are not hundreds of male sub/slaves here begging for a Mistress that they can pamper, love, and obey blindly.

I'd probably make a pretty good Domme because I know exactly how subs think and feel. I understand and accept limits, and I have been on the receiving end of various tools. 

Okay I am done with my word vomit. Night people.

It's not an easy thing to realize you may not be as good a judge of people as you think... Especially when you have taken three years of psychology.

Last week I had an interview and the woman acted as if I were the answer to her prayers... I walked out confident that I got the job. The next day I received an email stating that they had chosen someone else... The day after that I found the same job listed on indeed.com....

Today I filled out another application for Valvoline, I had already given them my resume and done their online application and little psych Second if he has children). I will no longer be an option. If you treat me as an option I will treat you like a choice and walk the hell away.

I have come up with a list of qualities I want in a man. I will not list it here because too many of ya'll are playas so that would be like handing you a script to get into my mind and get my cookie. Just know that if you do not meet the criteria I have set, then you will not get further than a chat.

I am always up for making new friends but it will be a long time before I am ready to commit.  I do not know what my future holds but I do know that I do not require or need a man any longer. However, at some point I may choose to have one. This does not make me less submissive, it just means I am much more cautious in my dealings with other people.

The sadness crept in a bit tonight. I was playing my favorite online mmorpg (WoW) listening to music... Trey Songz, you just know how to hit a girl's soul and make it bleed.

It is truly sad because I did not just lose a husband I lost a friend. At times I feel as though it would have been easier if he had widowed me rather than cheated on me. The loss would have still hurt but there would have been no betrayal.

Oh and before anyone gets any ideas... I will not do nude pictures for anyone. Period! If you cannot speak to me based on my intelligence then perhaps you should move on.

This journal messed up everything I wrote... There was a lot more here....I have recreated it the best I can... You all get the idea.

So it's been a while. I left my husband on Feb. 1st. I was really kind of terrified because of the way everything happened, it was not as I had planned it, but what in life ever goes according to plan?

I'm slowly finding my way. I worry though about not having a job yet but I know it will come. I am actually pretty happy now, or at least content. I am not sure how I feel about everything. I'm okay being alone, it only bothers me at night really. When there is nothing to do and it's dark and quiet...Of course that is when the mind begins to drudge up everything that has happened. 

The nightmares are coming worse and more frequent but that was expected. I keep telling myself everyday "This too shall pass" or "I got this!" Secretly, I am still scared. All the what-ifs and what-nows going through my head. 

My child is happyish and safe and that is all that really matters to me. I suppose everything happens for a reason, I would just like to know that reason. 

Anyway, I just basically wanted to let my readers know I am safe and I'm okay. 

Have a blissful night CM

I've received several emails asking what I am looking for. That is a very complex question with no easy answer. However, to appease your minds I will do my best to tell you what I ultimately desire.

I want things I have never had. I want my mind to be stimulated by intellectual conversation.  Perhaps even to the point that you have to explain things to me. I want someone that can teach me something so that I grow as a person. I want to be protected. 

I want to be loved and cherished because my submission, while a need in me is also given by choice. I have had to be strong all my life, had to protect myself from everything. This means I have had no choice but to be dominate and take care of everything in my life by myself.

I want someone that can teach me how to trust again. That is patient and kind but not so kind that he is a pushover and gives me every single thing I see and say I like. I want someone that can tell me no and mean it. That will guide and lead me without cruelty. 

Even as a child I hated being punished so I always did my best to do as I was asked or told. However, that didn't work out in my favor. I'm still like that as an adult. I hate the feeling I get when I know someone is disappointed in me. I cannot put in a neat box the type of Dom I seek because there are aspects of me that require a bit of everything. 

I want someone that understands that the bedroom is not the only place on this planet. We must also live in a very vanilla world. Thus I need someone that seeks an equal there but know that I will still follow his lead in that world as well. I want someone that is not afraid to show me that he is hurting when it happens but will not be a big baby every time the wind blows wrong.

Finally,I want someone that will encourage and push me to do and be better than I am. That can adapt and change into what I need as I become more of what it is he desires yet not allow me to lose myself. If I lose myself then I am not what he wanted in the first place.

I am not a very patient person. I was sitting here after hours of scouring for jobs and placing applications and resumes, and just felt like nothing was going to come of them. The second I began feeling that way I received this email...

Re: Sales - With Or Without Experience - $4,000 Guarantee candidate - April Johnson applied on Indeed........I have read over your resume and need to ask you a few questions before we schedule an interview:

How many tickets have you had in the last three years? Have you had a DWI or DUI in the last three years?Do you have any criminal convictions over the last five years?  If so what are they? Can you pass a drug test?

So as you all know I have been spending most of my time looking for a new job. This way I have more money than I currently make when I finally move out of the apartment my husband and I share. 

Well today someone really got on my nerves by acting as if I were just some airhead... For those of you that follow my journal, you can clearly see my intelligence. This is also the reason I posted the new pic. I feel better now.

Today has just been one of those very long days with nothing profound to say really. I was just going to relax and stream some movies on Redbox but Redbox is having technical issues.

However, I did sort of fix one of the laptops I broke. I used parts from one and fixed the other... The keyboard is just a touch too big and the monitor on one is too big to fit on the other but I made it somewhat functional. At least now I can type properly lol.

I've purged most of my hurt and anger and I am starting to feel like my old self again...mischievous..hahaha...

Maybe later this evening I'll have something more to talk about without boring everyone to tears. :)  

This was given to me by one and I am posting it for  everyone that has at least one...

True Friend

Are you tired of those sissy'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of True Friendship.

You WON'T see cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1.When you are sad, I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!! 

2.When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 

3.When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 

4.When you're scared, we will high tail it out of here. 

5.When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6.When you are confused, I will use little words.

7.When you are sick, Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have....

8.When you fall, I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh!!!

9.This is my oath... I pledge it to the end.. 'Why?' you may ask; -- because you are my FRIEND!

***********************

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only YOU can feel the true warmth.

so I just did a personality test on beyond.com. It helps match you with jobs that fit you best. Now, from 3 years of psych classes, I already know what my personality type is. I must admit I was shocked that the website was so accurate...

INTJ (Introvert, Intuitive, Thinker, Judger)

People of this type tend to be: autonomous, aloof, and intellectual; imaginative, innovative, and unique; critical, analytical, and logical; intellectually curious, driven to learn and increase their competence and knowledge; socially cautious and reserved; organized and definitive. The most important thing to INTJs is their independence and being able to live according to their own standards.

Today is one of those days that I would like to high-five someone...in the face... with a brick. Well one specific person because they are on my nerves. It probably doesn't help that I am developing a migraine and sleeping little these days.

I've spent almost all my time the last few days in search of jobs. plastering a resume all over the internet is exhausting. not to mention how many times I revised it based on beyond.com's idea of the perfect resume. Mine was apparently on 75% perfect, so of course, I had to fix that.

However, I am hoping that the revisions get my skills noticed somewhere and I find a job relatively soon. 

I do have a lead on a job and have been speaking to the person about it for the last couple of days. I actually hope that they let me know in the next day or so if I have a future with their company. 

Finding a new job and actually landing it is an exciting and terrifying feeling. You always wonder if you will do a good job, make a great impression, and dare-I-say-it be able to handle the change that can sometimes be dramatic compared to what you are used to.

I look forward to challenges though. I adapt and learn very quickly. I also think it would be interesting and fun to be in a busy office collaborating on various projects from building a new company website to creating new and innovative ideas to get consumers interested in what is being offered.

I long for a regular work schedule, weekly pay, and employee benefits. Don't get me wrong, working from home has been wonderful. However, I am at a point in my life where working from home needs to be part time and something that would give me the ability change my situation needs to be full time.

I was always told that when looking for a job or career one must make the search their full time job. I can honestly say I have, almost to the point that I am sick of looking at a computer screen, job search engines, and even applications. I suppose nothing is ever easy and the things that are easy are too good to be true. Yet I find myself wishing for a miracle, wishing that the perfect job would just fall into my lap.

I knew that choosing to leave my husband would be a difficult road, especially since I have to wait until I have the funds to actually leave the apartment we share. though I am thankful that we are keeping to separate parts of the apartment. I find that even speaking to him I have the urge to treat him as I would an unruly child. It is for that reason that no job will come to me quick enough.

Wish me luck!

So today I was determined to be in a productive kind of mood. Only I wasn't very productive. I spent the entire day so far scouring the internet for jobs. I used everything from indeed.com, monster.com, careerbuilder.com, and even normal google searches and plenty of other job sites I have never even heard of before. 

I found a ton of jobs that I would be great at because I have the desired skills. However, everything requires a degree these days. I have around 140 college credits but no degree. Therefore I do not qualify.

It sucks that my current job does not pay more and that the small home business I began is not good for the area I am in. I will keep looking because I have to have faith that I will find something. It's too bad one cannot market flogger making skills, journalism skills, or even the many psychology classes they have taken over 3 years to companies that want degrees and land the job. lol

So I am reaching out here. If any of you know of or hear of a job where I can put any of the following training to use I would very much appreciate an email with the information.

SKILLS:

3 years college psychology (GPA 3.89-4.0)

Vast array of knowledge of computers

Web Design (HTML, HTML 5 & [some] CSS 3)

Skin Care /Advance Color (make-up) Consulting

Journalism (News  & Academic Paper, as well as editing)

I also understand the concept of PR and how to market ideas but I do not have formal training except with my small business.

With the proper equipment I could be considered an excellent ameture photographer.

Starting over is a pain in the...well... you know. However, it must be done. I am trying to place my focus on the things ahead because the things behind me hold no appeal. I'm still debating on where I will finally end up once I have the means to move out. I am thinking maybe Kentucky because I have "family" there. While they are not biologically my family, they are the closest thing I have. 
Also, if anyone is interested I do still have two handmade (by me) floggers for sale and can custom create them to suit your specific tastes and needs. 

Thanks for reading and thank you in advance for any job tips you send my way.

Its hard to get used to sleeping alone again. Knowing there is no one beside you when you wake up scared or cold. Nightmares return, insomnia comes back full force, and everything is a constant blur.  

You feel like you are just going through the motions of living and all you really want is someone to hold you and tell you it's going to be okay. You hold on to the pain and anger caused by what has happened in an effort to numb yourself from the overload of emotion. You cant eat because nothing will stay down and you just aren't hungry. you feel like the world should stop spinning, like time should stand still because the pain is too much to bear. 

Your head screams 'Why me, what have I done to deserve this!" but no answer ever comes. You ask yourself what you could have done to prevent it. You run through every scenario looking for the answers to where you went wrong. You wont get the closure you seek. It's difficult to let go and move on but you know you must.

Friends help you take your mind off it during the day but it is those dark hours between twilight and dawn that you are hit the worst. You want to reach out to him but wont allow yourself because you know he will suck you back in with his lies and hurt you all over again.

You tell yourself that you are strong that you will get through this because you must. in reality you feel like a broken toy left in the gutter, forgotten by the child that found something shiney and new to play with. You lay there just waiting to be discovered and put back together. You pretend that you are strong and unbreakable, you tell everyone you are fine and the whole time you know it's the biggest lie that has ever passed your lips.

While you may be able to find a sense of purpose for a few minutes each day, you know you will never be the same. A part of you is lost, twisting in the wind like lost balloon. All you want is to collapse into a pile of tears hoping someone will rescue you. You get to a point where the tears wont even offer relief. This is your new life, alone, afraid, unwanted, and questioning. 

That's when you realize that maybe you are just meant to be alone and damaged.

So I have been challenged to write for at least 10 minutes per day and build up to 3 hours per day. Apparently my writing has a fan. However, right now i am not sure what to say. My mind is a jumble of thoughts and sorting through that tangled mess is much more difficult than I expected it to be.

Life should not always be filled with disappointments. There should be larger periods of happiness so that we are able to regain our strength for upcoming battles and hardships. For many of us, we do not get much downtime. It seems to be just one storm after another without any reprieve. 

I have never given trust easily or freely. I have never given second chances. Yet I felt the need to do so for my husband, in fact I gave him two years worth of chances and he used it against me. It feels like his whole intention from the start was to destroy the person I was. I gave up a lot for him and he wasn't even my type. Yet I fell for him because he was the first person to ever stand up for me. Now I feel as if I am mourning the death of a loved one.

No one, man woman, submissive, or Dominant should ever have to face that type of repeated betrayal. You simply cannot walk around telling the person you are with that you love them/are in love with them and continually break the trust they place in you. It turns good women or men bad. It makes them question what is wrong with them and they lose all confidence in themselves.

There are rules and dynamics to every relationship, especially those that lead to marriage or long term commitment. Breaking those rules without first talking it through with your SO can lead to irreparable damage not just to the relationship but also to the person that had no choice. 

The continual breaking of trust creates a bitterness in the one that is being broken. We begin to believe that (in my case) all men are the same. It doesn't matter that logically we know better because there is no logic when it comes to matters of the heart, there is only emotion. This is not just relevant in the vanilla world.

It is especially true in the BdSM world. As subs/slaves we must have complete trust in our Doms/Masters because so much of our play can get out of hand very quickly and lives can easily end. 

It is important to allow someone to begin the healing process before you jump in and try to be their saving grace. For me, I needed what Wwe call 'after care'. So I came back to CM looking for a couple of friends that I had here before I left. Other subs that I could lean on and feel a since of safety around. I did not find them, what I did find was one Dominant that just wanted to talk. He did not ask me about my fetishes, he did not demand that I submit immediately, he just asked what happened and listened as I cried. He offered me shelter of sorts, a place to regroup and steady my mind. I made a friend that I hope I will have for the rest of my life. I did not realize it until last night but over the past several days this person has been very gently picking up the broken pieces another man has left behind and offering the exact aftercare that I needed. He did not do it for any sort of reward or even with the intent of collaring me. He did it simply out of human kindness.

I owe him a great debt that I will never be able to repay and that is why when he challenged me to this task I accepted without hesitation. I know that this particular entry is probably not what he or even I expected but it is a starting point for me. The beginning of finding myself again and in that finding a since of peace and purpose.

You know who you are so I will not put you on blast here, but I do want to thank you from the depths of my soul for your help.