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Hello!! Thank you so much for looking at my profile.
I'm "ScaredToStart," and the name says it all... I consider myself a "M-to-F" transgendered indivudual, but I'm extremely shy and introverted by nature and have never acted on this feeling. I can feel it starting to eat away at my soul, though, and so I need a major push in the right direction with someone I can trust and respect (maybe love?).
I'm seeking someone close to me, or can come close to me, as I need this to happen for real. I've talked to people about my feelings online before, but I still never acted on them, so I think it needs to be real. I know, I know - I sound real stubborn, don't I!
Aside from the distance thing, I'm very open to finding someone... why limit myself to finding happiness? All ages, races, shapes and sizes welcome... we'll know when we both find that our personalities click! I *think* I'm really easy to get along with... haha.
I'm not sure if I want to post about my specific sexual interests... that's not my sole reason for being here, as I'd like to find someone for more than that. When we start to get to know eachother that'll all come out ;-) I can say I'm very, very open, though... I don't ever want to think of myself as someone defined by my limitations.
Well if you've made it this far, I'm impressed! Hopefully you are too, at least enough to write me and say "hi" and anything else you want. I'm up to chat if you are, and we'll see where it leads. Friends are always nice if nothing else happens.
Thanks again for reading! *hugs for all*
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Been about a month, time for a new entry. I'm on hormones, heck yes. Happiest I've ever been, but just plain more emotional over all. I have goosebumps all the time, it's kinda weird. O_O A couple friends know now; no big horrible drama bombs so I'm surviving and thriving...
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Journal update time! Committed to therapy, working towards that all-important prescription for hormones. PROGRESS.
Work is very busy, hobbies are very fun. I'm playing a lot more music than usual; I think I've got some pent up creativity that's not getting used despite working in a creative field. Not writing many songs but the few I'm working on have been a fun distraction. Lyrics are a little one-sided as my mind is fairly occupied at the moment, so for now they'll stay instrumental and experimental.
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Thank you so much, people who added me to your "favorites" list... but I haven't heard from most of you! What's up? Want to say hi sometime?
<3 <3 <3
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I got promoted at work (yay me!) and along with it finally got health benefits... and so I'm thinking of going into therapy for the first time. I'm more than a little bent up about it, but I need to be taking strides forward, so I think it makes sense. Could anyone that has some experience with therapy, or maybe there's a psychologist or psychiatrist on the site, come talk to me and answer some questions? What I can expect, how to broach the subject, finding a therapist... ahh I'm getting frustrated just thinking about it. Anyway, hope all is good with everyone else. If you've been following my journal hoping for constant updates, I'm sorry I'm so slow! :(
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Ahhh I swear I'll try to stay active with my journal more!! *faints*
Just kidding. So I'm heading up to LA tonight with some friends, and I've got all my fingers and toes crossed that we don't go out anywhere... for some reason all the fancy people in LA just make me more self concious. It's like, on top of not feeling like I'm presenting myself truthfully, I'm in a place where being true to my "economic status" and "crowd" just make me even more of an outcast. Yuck! I think I can persuade them to make it a night in with movies though... *gets out persuasion baseball bat* Kidding again!
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It's been a while since I've updated... I kind of hit a funk. I've been getting depressed a lot recently and it always comes back to surpressing my feelings. So on some good advice I'm hoping to find someone I can really open up to, just let it all pour out, for better or worse. Of course for me this means it can't be previous friends or family, as they don't know anything about this side of me and I'm not ready to "break the news." Oh isn't life so wonderful and simple? *rolls eyes and cries a little*
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I'm going to get a white christmas after all, visiting family in the great land of new england!
I'm doing good, I went window shopping today... goodness me I need to start getting clothes. I wanna go goth ^_^
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Yep, I got convinced to put my BDSM interests in my profile... but please don't just judge me based on those. I'm a complete person (I swear!), not just a list of deviant desires. That's not to say those desires are a lie, but there's so much to life. That is all!
LOL :-)
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Wow, I haven't updated this in a little while... that doesn't mean I've found myself yet or anything though. I'm working on "me" right now... losing weight, being healthier, and my depression is really going away. I don't want that to scare anyone off... I kind of came to the realization that my depression was at least partly because I was bottling up a lot of my romantic (feminine) feelings and never letting them show. I'm trying to be more open, and think of myself more freely than before - and it's working!!! So I know I'm on the right path. Thanks to the couple people who have sent messages with kind words, I really, really appreciate it. Anyone else who wants to talk or anything, please please write me, you have no idea how good it feels to be acknowledged by other people who know this facet of my personality... it makes it feel like I'm not just pretending.
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I moved this entry from my main profile to here, since this is supposed to be the journal...
I've been giving a lot of thought to names recently, and I *think* I've settled on Brianne (pronounced Bree-Anne). I smile when I think about it and it feels right, but I'm not 100% positive yet.
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Ack, I realized I'm supposed to put my "updates" in the Journal, not my profile. Sorry! Anyway, I've had an ok first week here... A couple kind words from people, you know who you are. I'm still a little shocked to be here, but I'm starting to reach a level of comfort...
Anyway, I'm gonna keep rambling if I don't stop, so please write me even just to say "hi!" if you want, I'd love to just chat. Though I'm definitely still looking for that guiding presence in my life.
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