Master’s Creed

Above all else he cherishes his slave, in the knowledge that the gift she gives him is the greatest gift of all. He is demanding and takes full advantage of the power given to him, but knows how to share the pleasure that comes from that precious gift.

He is in control of himself first and foremost, so that he may control others. As a stern and demanding Master he can cause his slave to cry real tears. As the consummate lover, he will the kiss the tears away, without stepping out of character.

In times of trouble, a Master will leave the roles behind to be a supportive friend and partner, never forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two caring individuals. He is quick to understand the differences between fantasy and reality. He would never ask a slave to put him before her career, or family, just to satisfy his own pleasure.

To win his slave’s mind, body, spirit, soul and love, he knows he must first win her trust. He will show his slave humor, kindness, and warmth. He must always show her that his guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of her attention that is a man she can learn from, and trust his direction.

He is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, he will fight for his lady’s honor. He proves to her that he is someone she can lean on and depend on.

When it comes time to teach his slave her lessons of obedience, he is strong and unyielding professor. He will accept no flaw, nothing less than perfection from his student. Never does he use discipline without a good reason. When he does it is always with a knowledgeable and careful hand.

What is a collaring ceremony?

When a bdsm relationship progresses to the level that a collar of ownership is offered, many lifestylers opt to celebrate the event with a collaring ceremony.
The ceremony itself could be a private moment between two individuals or a huge event similar to a wedding ceremony. Online or real-time; with careful planning a collaring ceremony can be an experience one will treasure for a lifetime.

Just like most aspects of this lifestyle, there are no right or wrong ways to have a collaring ceremony. In this special section we will examine the basic protocol of collaring, different ranks of collars and their significance.

Within the bdsm community there are several ranks of collars traditionally used to denote different stages of a relationship. The highest ranking collar is the collar of ownership, also called a formal or slave collar. While it isn't necessary to follow any particular model of collaring protocol (or even wear a collar at all) it couldn't hurt to familiarize yourself with the different types of collars and what they signify.
The chosen style of collar is always up to the individual
The images of collars shown here are only suggestions or examples of what might be considered for each group. Which collar you select should be based purely on your own personal preferences.

Collar of Protection: This is a collar given to an unattached sub/slave by a protector or mentor. The collar of protection lets other Dominants know that there is somebody looking out for the submissive. This collar shouldn't have a lock on it since the sub/slave technically doesn't belong to anybody. Some subs wear collars simply to show that they are submissive, so it is acceptable to approach a sub wearing a collar to ask their status.

Collar of Consideration: This collar is given at the beginning of a relationship and worn throughout the courtship period. The sub/slave shouldn't be dealing with any other Dom/Master at this point unless directed to by their Master. Traditionally this is a leather collar in some shade of blue although the color doesn't seem to be a big factor to most people.

Training Collar: The training collar is to be given after the collar of consideration as a sign that the relationship has progressed to the next level. This is usually a sturdy, leather "working" collar or posture collar which has extra rings for restraints, but again, it's up to the Dominant to decide which style they prefer. Typically training collars are used in casual play with unattached subs/slaves.

Formal Collar: The formal collar is a symbol of ownership and commitment to a long term relationship. Most often it is given during a collaring ceremony. The style of this collar depends solely on the Dominant's preference. Some opt for very decorative jewelry-like designs, screw down collars which are never removed, or simply a chain with a lock on it. There are no hard and fast rules about what this collar should look like, although tradition holds that this collar should be unique and created specifically for the occasion.

Collar Etiquette 101
Never touch a submissive's collar unless you put it there yourself!
Even though some uncollared subs wear collars in public, always ask if they are involved before trying to kick it to them.
It's rare, but some Dominants do wear collars also. Always approach people with respect if you are unsure of their status.
If you want to speak to a collared submissive that you don't know, you should ask their Master/Mistress for permission first.
Do not address a Dominant as "Master" or "Mistress" unless you are wearing their collar or they instruct you otherwise. Sir and Ma'am are fine in the meantime.
Don't ever flirt with, fondle, or proposition a collared submissive!

Once you've found the perfect collar, the next step is finding the perfect way to present it. Next we'll take a look at how several Dark Connections members performed their own beautiful ceremonies.

Different Types of Collaring Ceremonies

Formal Collaring ceremony is often very similar to a wedding. The submissive is led to her Dominant by a protector or mentor. Sometimes the sub will carry a rose or a candle but most often they will only be carrying a leash. The Dom/me will sometimes be holding a crop or some other implement to indicate his or her stature as a Dominant. Witnesses may speak on behalf of the Dom/me and sub and then vows will be exchanged. The sub will then have the training collar removed and replaced with a formal collar. At this point contracts may be signed or other rituals such as blood bonding might take place. Usually the formal part of the ceremony will end with the sub kneeling and kissing the feet of the Dominant and then receiving some type of lashing or spanking, but the possibilites are endless. There are three basic types of collaring ceremonies; Formal, Online, and Private.

Online Collaring Ceremonies
The main benefit of an online ceremony is that people from all over the world can join in the celebration. "(The ceremony) done online and officiate is online as well.

I come to You with this Leash in my hand. I Offer this Leash to You to Guide me and Lead me along my Journey. It is my desire to belong to You and to follow You wherever You choose to take me. I desire that You accept the submission of my will unto Yours and take me into Your Care and Guidance, that W/we may grow T/together in Love, Trust and Mutual Respect. Further i ask in sincere humility, that You, as my Dom, Accept the keeping of my body for the fulfillment and enhancement of O/our Sexual, Emotional, and Intellectual needs. I ask that You Guide me in any Sexual, Sensual or Scene-Related behavior, both T/together with and separate from You, in such a way as to further my growth as a person. i request of You, as my Dom, that You use the Power vested in Your role to mold me and shape me, assisting me to grow in Strength, Character, Confidence, and Being. That You continue to help me develop my Artistic and Intellectual abilities. These are the desires and secrets of my heart.

I Accept this Leash as a Symbol of the Offering of yourself and give you My Promise to carefully Guide you and Lead you safely in My Footsteps. You will belong to Me from this day on and I will do all within My Power to Protect you as you Join Me on My Journey. I place this Collar upon your neck. You now Belong to Me.

I now belong to You Master, and no Other.

I now attach this Leash to My Collar as My Commitment to Lead and Guide you from this day forward.

Master, You have helped me to see once again my nature and my soul with Your Strength, Your Honesty and Your Wisdom. For that I give you all that I am... my body, my mind and my heart.

Private Collaring Ceremonies
Some lifestylers choose not to hold a huge event when it comes time to bond with their partner. A private collaring ceremony can be just as beautiful and poignant as a huge event. The level of intimacy shared between the people involved is what makes it so special.

Red Flag Submissives

There was an email circulating amongst the various mail lists and other lifestyle web sites regarding ten of the most commonly found dominants on the Internet, and I feel that out of a sense of balance and fairness the submissive side of the spectrum should be looked at also. Sometimes a bond or relationship can fail not because he or she was a poor dominant, but that he or she could have been a poor submissive. However, let us examine some of the types of submissive a dominant can encounter online.

1 the "Poor-Me Submissive." This particular submissive always tends to have something going wrong in his or her life. Of course, it is never their fault, as he or she is always being played upon and victimized by others. If only he or she located the *perfect* dominant, their life would be problem-free and eternally blissful. The favorite instant message for this type of submissive to send is: "Will you be my dominant, Sir or Madam? I am just a helpless little submissive." I suspect that the instant message this kind of submissive wants to receive is: "Just do what I say, slave!"

2 the "Just-Do-Me-Sub." I have often encountered this particular type in my online experiences. Basically, he or she desires to beaten. It does not really matter by who or what, as long as he ("He" being the typical male) or she can feel the lash. This is the kind of submissive who frequently misbehaves on purpose, thus driving a good dominant crazy. The favorite instant message for this sub to send is: "I have been naughty and need to be punished. Spank me now, Master or Mistress!" One of their favorite messages to receive: "You are a bad sub and need to be punished! Bend over!"

3 the "Barbie-Sub" is another example of a common online. This particular submissive just likes the way he or she looks in leather fashions. He or she fears the whip, and has never seen a nipple clamp in their life. Their favorite store is "Dream Dresser," and his or her whole paycheck is spent there each week. This online sub would send an instant message like: "Would you like to know what I am wearing, Sir or Madam?" Their favorite instant message to receive would likely be: "What are you wearing?" I have not ever encountered this type of submissive in my online experiences, however, I am certain he or she exists out there.

4 the "He-hurt-me submissive" is one I have often run into on the various online services. This is the *submissive" without any negotiations, talks of boundaries, or safe words, rushes out to a secluded location to play with a dominant he or she just met a couple days ago online. After allowing the dominant to tie him or her up and whip them, they decide that this Master or Mistress is a menace to society, and cannot wait to their submissive friends that he or she is a *bad* dominant. The favorite instant message for this submissive to send is: "Sub sis, I need to pass on a warning to you!" Of course, the favorite message to receive would be: "My poor sub sis, you have got to warn everyone about this monster!"

5 the "I-Just-Need-A-Man-Submissive" online type this sub, after exhausting all his or her singles' bar and health club meeting establishments, decides that the lifestyle world would be a good place to meet a *man* or *woman.* He or she has really no interest in dominance-submission, they just need someone to spend the rest of their life. He or she is also a close relative of the *Poor-Me-Sub.* Amazingly, when he or she gets their dominant, they suddenly lose interest in any type of sex. The favorite type of instant message from this submissive would be: "Sir or Madam, will you take care of me forever?" Their favorite message to receive is: "I have always dreamed of having a large family."

6 the "No-One-Can-Top-Me-Sub." This particular sub longs to submit, yet claims no dominant is strong enough to top him or her. Some say he or she is really just a dominant in disguise. The favorite online message for this submissive to send is: "Think you are strong enough to put me in my place, jerk? Their favorite message to receive is: "No, Mistress, I am really just a weak and helpless slave." *Falling to the floor and kissing her boots*

7  the "Submission-Is-The-Greatest-Gift-Submissive." This sub has stars in his or her eyes and naivete in their heart. They swoon at the mere thought of a dominant, any dominant, asking him or her to pass the salt. They write their dominant's name in the corner of their notebook with little hearts and flowers around it. He or she declares that there is no better way to love than through submission, and that dominance and submission is a better and higher manner of loving than anything a silly old vanilla person might do. He or she lives on an emotional roller-coaster, sentimental enough to cry seeing a long-distance phone company commercial. Their favorite instant message to send is: "You are all of life to me, there is nothing about life worthwhile without you." Their favorite message to receive: "I am everything you will ever want or need, and I will protect you from everything."

I wanted to take an insightful look at some submissive types commonly found online to provide a sense of fairness and balance to the dominants who are many times the subject of negativity writings circulating on various Internet media. There enough poor or bad subs and dominants to go around, thus making the search for one's life's partner an uneasy task. All sides of the lifestyle spectrum should search the Internet with caution and circumspect.

Healthy v. Abusive Relationships

There is a thin line between a dominant-submissive relationship and an abusive one. That particular fine line that separates the two relationship archetypes referred to as "consensually." I want to use this specific essay to discuss and discern various aspects of a healthy and an abusive relationship, in order to help novice folks navigating their path into a vast and complex subculture. Even for us more experienced people in the lifestyle; this critical information can reinforce what you may already be cognizant, or be something we can benefit, as we are always learning each and every day in our lives. I feel that when we stop learning we stop living. I strongly believe that one may be in an abusive relationship, if his or her partner has that ugly green-eyed monster or possessiveness towards their significant other. Jealousy is definitely a significant symptom of an abusive relationship; it is the core component of obsessive-possessive behavior with respect to love and sexual addiction. In an abusive relationship, one partner may attempt to control the other by being very domineering.

A good and true dominant does not have to act dominant, as he or she is already inherently dominant. Being dominant is a state of mind. The abusive partner in a relationship attempts to isolate the other by demanding that he or she sever ties with their friends and ultimately, his or her family. This usually occurs over a period of time, where the abusive partner him or her to be devoid of outside influences and thinking so that the abuser can make his or her partner's malleable to his or her twisted viewpoint. Thus making the significant other feeling alone and dangerously vulnerable to having a blank screen mind for reprogramming. Usually an abusive partner, typically, possesses a violent nature and is quick to lose his or her temper. Of course, the abusive partner cannot initially demonstrate his knack for violence, for fear she may run off before they even embark upon that relationship journey. The abuser has to play his cards carefully and lure his or her prey into a nurturing, loving, and caring relationship, which is essentially the bait for a gradual, systematic trap. He or she may pressure their partner sexually by demanding various sexual activities that he or she is not comfortable engaging.

Typically, an abuser will abuse drugs and/or alcohol, much like he or she will abuse their partner. In a troubled relationship, the abusive person will claim that the other is responsible for the abuser's emotional state. This particular aspect sets up the core diagnostic for codependency, one of the chief components of an abusive relationship. An abuser generally blames his or her partner for the abuser mistreating them. Typically, nothing is ever the abusive partner's fault, as he never can or will own up to his own actions. Most abusive folks have a history of failed relationships, and he or she continues the pattern in subsequent relationships. Pay specific attention to how he or she explains his prior bad relationships. Does he or she make it all about themselves and how it was their former partner's fault the relationship failed? This again, is symptomatic of an abuser not taking responsibility for his portion of fault that led to the relationship's demise.

In many cases, the partner has received numerous warnings about the abusive person from family and friends, or they are extremely concerned for his or her safety and/or emotional wellness. A terrified partner constantly worry about what his or her abusive other will react to things they say or do. This is where the violent nature of an abuser can rear its ugly head. Typically, an abusive partner will make jokes with the express purpose of demeaning, humiliating, and embarrassing their significant other, whether he or she is doing it privately or around family and friends. This particular abuse adds to the recipient's, inadvertently, helping the abuser by self-isolating the other from their family and friends, especially when their love and support are critical. Often, abusers grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and in many cases, he or she was abused as a child. This is the psychological spiral, because if he or she witnessed or experienced abuse as a child and no one intervened, they must feel it is appropriate behavior. Many submissive partners experience this specific aspect of abuse when their abusive counterpart exhibits rage, when he or she is hurt, feel shame, or loss of control. This can manifest itself in various form of abusive acts on recipient of all this.  Both parties who are within an abusive relationship may develop or progress into alcohol or drug dependency in a dysfunctional attempt to cope with the pain. Usually, the recipient of abuse may even leave and return to the abuser repeatedly, against the advice of his or her family and loved ones. Once the abuser has isolated from him or her from her family and friends, belittled and embarrassed them in front of others, made him or her feel absolutely worthless like no one else would have them except the abuser, thus making him or her increasingly dependent upon the abuser for everything; the vicious cycle on the physical, mental and emotional level has been set. Usually without some type of intervention, the cycle dangerously spirals in a downward fashion. It is also makes it significantly tough to end a relationship with an abusive partner, even though the recipient of the abuse knows it is the right thing to do.

In probing the current relationship one is currently involved in, he or she should ask themselves some very pertinent questions: Does the person he or she loves constantly keep tabs on them? Does this particular partner act jealous and possessive? Does he or she make accusations of infidelity or flirting? Does his or her partner discourage maintaining any kind of relationship with friends or family, or prevent any working, attending school, or friend interaction? Does one tend constantly criticize or belittle the other? Does one partner control all the finances and force the other partner to account for what is spent, excluding reasonable cooperative budgeting? Does he or she take personal property or items of sentimental value from the other partner? Does one partner tend to have affairs outside the relationship? If anyone would could give an affirmative answer to one, several, or all of these critical questions. Chances are you are either starting to be in an abusive relationship or already there. Many times abusive relationships are relatively easy to identify, and other times the abuse may assume more subtle forms. The examples of a healthy relationship can help one in differentiating traits between the two relationship archetypes. Generally, abusive relationships have a significant power imbalance, with the abuser controlling or attempting to control most aspects of life.

Healthy relationships share responsibilities and decision-making tasks and reflect respect for all those involved in a given relationship, including children. A healthy bond typically consists of non-threatening behavior, like talking and acting in a manner so that the significant other can feel safe, secure, and comfortable doing and saying things. One of the chief components of a healthy relationship is respect, which denotes listening to each other in a non-judgmental fashion, being emotionally affirming and understanding, and above all valuing opinions. Trust and support are very germane to building and maintaining a healthy, viable relationship. This particular facet includes supporting each other's goals in life and respecting each other's right to their own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions. A good relationship must have honesty and accountability, which includes accepting responsibility for oneself, acknowledging past use of violence and/or emotionally abusive behavior; and changing that behavior. Both should acknowledge infidelity and change that behavior, admitting being wrong when it is appropriate, and open communications and truthfully acknowledging past abuse, thus seeking help for abusive relationship patterns. All healthy relationships should possess shared responsibility. This is where both mutually concur on a fair distribution of work or chores and making joint decisions. I discussed in extensive detail above about abusive relationship and their tremendous impact on the recipient of the violence. If one is in the early stages of relationship or one where the abusive red flags are popping out, it is easier to extract oneself from a pending disaster than to wait until all the symptoms have formed and the disease is in its latter stages, but even in the early stages, it all depends on the mind set of the person who of the person who is being abused or being set up for an endless vicious cycle of abuse, and it all depends on the circumstances on how the relationship is formed. However, if you are cognizant of what is going on, I suggest you get out while it may be safe to do so, because it becomes increasingly difficult as the abuser is digging the soil up and planting his or her ominous seeds. If one is already full smack into an abusive relationship, if one is cognizant of what is happening, he or she should take advantage of any opening to extract oneself out of that disastrous relationship. Ask any family and friends to make an intervention when and where they can. However, some choose to stay in one because they desire for what ever odd reason, or the psychological conditioning has rendered their brain almost useless to recipient of the abuse. If you view abuse at these latter stages, make an intervention when and where you can, as that person is unable to extricate themselves on their own. I hope that this particular article has been helpful in telling the tale of two types of relationships: one being viable and healthy and the other being abusive and non-erotic.

The Natural Submissive

 I feel that courtesy is a strong indication of a good submissive as well as a good dominant. As a submissive, he or she asks his or her dominant for an immense amount of time, attention, and thought. Dominating someone requires a great deal of work and effort. While the submissive obviously has needs, he or she should devote himself or herself to pleasing his or her dominant as best they can. The submissive being honest and sincere about what types of play interests him or her. If the submissive is a masochist, with little or no interest in performing personal service for a dominant, he or she may tend to annoy or frustrate a dominant that has high expectations on being served. Also, there are those subs that are only interested in performing or providing a sexual service. While others tend to provide such services on a limited basis, such as domestic or office help, and then there totally devoted submissive’s who serve their dominant any way they can. One of the qualities of good submissive is to show honesty with respect to his or her needs and desires, to the extent that he or she currently knows and understands them, will serve the sub well here. While a dominant is not essentially under any obligation to request that the submissive do things that suit him or her. The sub should offer numerous ways to his or his dominant as reasonably possible. After all, the more way a submissive can make a dominant's life pleasant, the more useful he or she is as a sub. A good submissive should diplomatically be as clear as he or she can about his or her limits. I strongly believe that a frustrated and resentful submissive is no fun for any dominant.

Another characteristic that describes a good and true submissive is to not be pushy. A good sub won't approach a dominant and, uninvited; descend to his or her knees at his or her feet. I can tell you from my lifestyle experience that it is a truly a turn-off with many dominants, myself included. This can be viewed, in its own fashion, as a non-consensual act, given the fact consent and negotiations are the one of the cornerstones of SM and DS. I appreciate and can tolerate a certain amount of subtle, low-key flirting. I am definitely impressed by formal introductions from potential submissive’s, whether by email, in person, or introduced through a known third party. A good and true submissive won't approach another sub's dominant and come onto him or her by kneeling or acting submissive in a conspicuous manner without that dominant's prior and express approval. Doing so can create immense hostilities between the two submissive, which can spiral out of control. A good and true submissive should avoid being a smart-ass masochist. SAMs will misbehave on purpose to provoke their dominants into punishing them. This can be fun and erotically hot within the context of a pre-negotiated scene. I love for my sub to be what I call "sassy defiance." I absolutely love it when a submissive can make me rise to the challenge of making her hot ass heel. Being a SAM is frowned upon when it is engaged in a non-consensual fashion, or when the couple is outside the SM scene. A sub who acts in such a manner is essentially weak to ask for what they really desire in an honest manner. In my lifestyle experience, I have some smart-assed masochists provoke real anger in some dominants. This essentially denotes a deliberate emotional or physical hurting of the dominant to receive the desired response. Such behavior, in my opinion, would not be indicative of a good submissive because it is manipulative, unethical, and it stinks of being non-consensual. Provoking a dominant is not a good idea. As I mentioned with respect to good dominants, domination is likened to surgery, it is a highly refined skill in a highly that takes a long time to learn and master. Good Doms exercise their skill in a highly controlled, thoughtful manner. A good submissive would not deliberately disturb a dominant's emotional balance, as it would be quite dangerous. Even though many dominants exhibit immense amount self-control, we are still human; when we are injured, we hurt. Many subs will say that a raging, out-of-control dominant is definitely terrifying. A dominant friend of mine was purposely provoked by his sub to the point of losing control. He was quite shaken and sorrowful after SM scene was over. It took over two years before he could regain his confidence. I am not going to go into any detail here other than the fact he did erupt. A submissive should not engage seriously in being a smart-assed masochist, unless he or she knows the dominant can deal with that. As I mentioned earlier, being a SAM can be quite hot and erotic under the right circumstances. Under the wrong circumstances, it can be quite disastrous. As I have I said a good and true submissive also has to exercise self-control like a good dominant.

I strongly feel that a good submissive would not engage in the behavior of resistance, at least, until he or she got to know their dominant quite well. Resistance on a submissive's part, especially, if the dominant does not know him or her well can send mixed messages, which can be quite difficult to interpret. When I am in a dominant role in a SM scene with a novice submissive, I will tell my partner that any physical resistance on her part will essentially be successful. I will regard such behavior as a yellow light, or even an immediate termination of the scene. There are some subs that enjoy being forced, and this type of behavior being exhibited can essentially ruin a session, as well as, cost me an occasional play partner. To overcome physical resistance, even if it can be done quite easily, in the mistaken assumption that it is play resistance can definitely lead to disastrous results. I submit that physical resistance must be carefully pre-negotiated. I strongly suggest that any dominant, which is in doubt, back off immediately. Like being a smart-assed masochist, resistance can be erotically hot if engaged in under the right circumstances. Topping from below is another behavior that I feel that good subs should refrain. This denotes a submissive trying to control the scene in progress by making excessive requests, suggestions, and complaints. Of course, this is quite different from the sub that makes suggestions and requests to the dominant, yet leaving it for him or her to decide. It is also different from asking for particular activities, or ruling out particular activities during pre-scene negotiations. Topping from the bottom is typically frowned upon. A submissive should let the dominants make as many decisions as reasonably possible, as the submissive is there to please the dominant. I talked about dominant masochists and submissive sadists on DS and SM archetypes. A submissive sadist enjoys serving their partner by providing them exactly the kind of pain they desire, or as a dominant masochist which connotes those who enjoy receiving exactly, and only the kind of pain they desire. I will say that these personas work well as long as both partners agree in advance that this is the type of scene they want to do. There is an ethical use of the topping from the bottom behavior, which is when an experienced sub is respectfully offering suggestions to a novice dominant. I know that beginner dominants often feel quite insecure, being trained by their more experienced submissive. In my years as a dominant, I have seen few cases where the novice dominant went on to become excellent and outstanding. Also I have seen a few cases where the submissive was abusive to the novice Dom and he or she essentially never realizes his or her potential. I knew one or two to actually leave the SM or DS community entirely. As in the other behaviors I mentioned in the above paragraphs, topping from the bottom can also be erotic and hot under the proper circumstances. Many of you may or may not agree with what I am about say here. I strongly believe that a dominant that can relinquish control and reclaim it at the appropriate time essentially controls control, the essence of power, if you please. A good and true submissive will topping from the bottom in a constructive, circumspect, and respectful manner with regards to a novice dominant.

My vision of the ideal submissive is one who will be able to discern between strength and stubbornness, with a preference for the former. I love that woman who possesses the fiery, feisty nature that dwells deep within her bosom, sassy defiance, if you will. But I also desire a submissive that has strong sense of self-worth, a woman who is happy with herself and can honestly communicate what it is that she desires. My ideal sub will cherish the romance and be totally enthralled by a perilous, dramatic fantasy. She will be unified and complete, special and significant, and she will possess the immense courage to listen to the spirit beyond what she is.

Dom/me's Creed

Above all else a Dom/me cherishes Their submissive, in the knowledge that the gift the submissive gives Them is the greatest gift of all.

A Dom/me is demanding and takes full advantage of the power given to Them, but knows how to share the pleasure that comes from that precious gift.

A Dom/me is in control of Them self first and foremost, so that They may control others.

As a stern and demanding Dom/me, they can cause their submissive to cry real tears.

As the consummate lover, they will then kiss the tears away, without stepping out of character.

In times of trouble, a Dom/me will leave the roles behind, to be a supportive friend and partner, never forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two caring individuals.

A Dom/me is quick to understand the differences between fantasy and reality.

A Dom/me would never asks a submissive to put Them before their career, or family, just to satisfy Their own pleasure.

To win a sub missive’s mind, body, spirit, soul, and love, a Dom/me knows they must first win their trust.

A Dom/me will show Their submissive humor, kindness, and warmth.

A Dom/me must always show them that Their guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of their attention, that this is a person they can learn from, and that they can trust Their direction.

A Dom/me is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, they will fight for their submissive's honor.

A Dom/me proves to their submissive that They are someone they can lean on, and depend on.

When it comes time to teach their submissive their lessons of obedience, They are a strong and unyielding professor.

A Dom/me will accept no flaw. Nothing less than perfection from their student.

Never does a Dom/me use discipline without a good reason. When they do punish their submissive, it is always with a knowledgeable and careful hand.

A Dom/me is always open to communication and discussion; always ready to hear Their submissive's wants and needs.

A Dom/me is patient; taking time to learn Their submissive's limits, and knowing that as their trust of Them grows, so will they.

A Dom/me never has to demand ritual behavior from Their submissive. Their submissive responds to them out of the want of pleasing them. Compliance comes from the wanting to please, not the fear of punishment.

A Dom/me understand the fragile nature of mind and body and never violate the trust given to them.

A Dom/me is secure enough to laugh at Themselves and the absurdities of life. Open minded enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow.

A Dom/me's tools are mind, body, spirit, soul, and love.

A Dom/me understands that E/each partner gains most from pleasuring the O/other.

And B/both of T/them know that love and trust are the only bindings that truly hold.

All About Chemistry

In almost any relationship or bond, it is very important to have or ascertain some type of compatibility with one's partner. If we are fortunate we may just happen to locate a natural compatibility with a partner who possesses the same or similar likes and dislikes as we do. This natural compatibility will likely extend to things other than D/s, for instance, having similar tastes in music, hobbies, and other leisure pursuits. Now, if one partner manages to find a partner as compatible as this, we may well find them descriptive as a Soulmate, and once found we should do our utmost to keep this partner, because they do not come along very often, if at all. Possessing a natural instinct for the needs and desires of the other person is not something that is located rather often. However, I strongly feel that with some application, we can build or engineer a compatibility with our partner through good communication and being attentive to that person's needs. Of course, there must be some compatibility initially, but that can certainly be improved upon greatly with effort. It is rather unlikely that the threshold of pain of a submissive will naturally match the sadistic levels of his or her dominant partner. On the one hand, the submissive may have a higher pain tolerance than the dominant is prepared to meet, or similarly, he or she may achieve the threshold before the dominant has even begun to state his need to give pain to another. In either case one or both can end up either unfulfilled, or at worst, physically and/or emotionally wounded.

So, the art is to extend either the time it requires to reach a threshold for one or both partners. Perhaps the easiest way to do this is to add an extra dimension to whatever action is occurring. For example, if engaged in flogging, I would suggest the addition of some time away from that to create a more emotional response in one's partner, or divert the attention with, for instance, clamps on the nipples or the use of the voice. In each case what are we doing here is to achieve an extension of the time it takes to reach a specific point. Now that distraction might be more pain applied in a different way or location, or it may be more sensual, like touching, or even a diversion from that pain already there, using voice or massage or something like that. In each case what we are doing is engineering the response we need, whether that be a diversion, or more endorphin production, or more mental than physical attention. All these serve to do one thing, which is to extend the time we have available prior to reaching a limit. Remember too, that if we are, say, flogging, to leave the flogging for a few minutes may well permit the endorphin reaction to better take place which, in itself will naturally increase limits and endurance, perhaps matching more the needs of a partner than if the flogging were merely carried out without any break or diversion.

The art of compatibility engineering is not of course, just about play, it is about life's choices. It may help to try and appreciate the things our partner likes. Don't dismiss things out of hand, but give them a chance. Let them explain why they like a particular kind of music, or particular author. This not only provides the chance to appreciate our partner's likes, but will naturally induce better communication, and a closer affinity. Of course, the art of communication is paramount. While we may attempt all sorts of things to promote better compatibility, unless we possess good communication, we will never know if those things work effectively or not. Communication is vital both before and after the event. Before is useful in planning what will occur, and enabling both partners to comprehend when and how certain things might happen. After the event enables each to let the other know what worked and what did not. Remember that there will always be some things which don't work for one or both, however well-planned they may be. Communication and discussion afterwards will mean those actions can either be omitted or altered in subsequent scenes or events. All the time this communication will denote that we are creating or engineering a better compatibility between one another.

We don't have an in-built knowledge of how our partner thinks, and what they crave and desire, as well as his or her dislikes. Only through time, effort, hard work and application will this come to pass. Remember also, that there will also be failures as nothing is perfect, and we cannot expect our choices and decisions to be correct all the time. I suggest using these as learning opportunities, take something from them, and improve what is done in subsequent scenes and events. I know that engineering compatibility is not a new idea, but it is definitely something that we all should pursue in our particular subculture. It can only make us better at what we do.