WHAT WOULD A WOMAN DO WITH A PENIS FOR A DAY?

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

WHAT WOULD A MAN DO WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY?

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot

ZIPLOC BAGS - male,
because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male,
because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work,
it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female,
because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male,
because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female,
because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed.
Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - male,
because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male,
because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it...
and, of course, there's the hot air part.

WEB PAGE - female,
because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male,
because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female,
because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male,
because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female...
Ha! You thought I'd say male.
But consider . . . it gives a man pleasure,
he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push,
he keeps trying.

15. "They told me at the blood bank this
might happen."

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like
they raved about in the last time management
course you sent me to."

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the
liquid paper"

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on
the mission statement and envisioning a new
paradigm!"

11. "This is one of the seven habits of
highly effective people!"

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool
resistance"

9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level
Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned
it at the last mandatory seminar you made me
attend.

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga
exercise to relieve work related stress."

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had
almost figured out a solution to our biggest
problem."

6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong
pot."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night
just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable
circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick
up contact lens without hands."

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET
CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

"Amen"

Here's some definitions and test answers from kids.

Kids answers, (their spelling)

Three kinds of blood vessels are: arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Hydrogin is gin and water.

Respiration is composed of two acts,
first inspiration and then expectoration.

The pistol of a flower is it's only protection.

Germinate: to become a naturalized German.

Liter: A nest of young puppies.

For a dog bite put the dog away for a few days,
if it hasn't recovered, then kill it.

The body consists of three parts, the brainium, the borax,
and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain.
The borax contains the heart and lungs.
The abominable contains the bowls,
of which there are five, a,e,i,o and u.

Magnet: Something you find crawling over a dead cat.

Vacumm: A large empty space where the pope lives.

For fainting, rub the persons chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the
hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.

A fossil is an extinct animal, the older it is, the more extinct it is.

For a head cold, use an agonizer to spay your nose until it drops in your
throat.

For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body
until the heart stops.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family
and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in.
It's an age thing.

Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year.

You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things.
So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

Adult Truths

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times
and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument
when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5.
I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?
I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up
to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty.
Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

Rejection Lines By Women

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that banjo player in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a silent difference in our ages. (I don't want to date my Dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer the company of my cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system,' much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

And the Number One rejection line given by women:

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I sleep with)

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep
yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

New Drugs on the Market

St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin - Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

The Male Point System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here's a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father (-20)

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)

Not really a joke but it had me laughing in places

Why Women Are Crabby

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hear-me-roar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life- sucking little poop machines.

Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

Tired of tryin'
Tired of bein a fool.
Tired of wishin'
Tired of wantin'
Tired of waitin on you.
Tired of lonely
Tired of hurtin'
Tired of wonderin'
Tired of missin'
Tired of hopin'
Tired of chasin' after you.
Tired of callin'
Tired of textin'
Tired of not hearin' from you.
Tired of thinkin'
Tired of writin'
Tired of wastin' time on you.

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?
ARIES:
Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS:
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI:
Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

CANCER:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.

LEO:
Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

VIRGO:
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

LIBRA:
ER, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

SCORPIO:
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

SAGITTARIUS:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned- out light bulb?

CAPRICORN:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....

PISCES:
Light bulb? What light bulb?

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise .....

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear P. Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task...
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V.. Gina

 I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

- They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

- Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

- Is there another word for synonym?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

- The speed of time is one second per second.

- Is it possible to be totally partial?

- What's another word for thesaurus?

- Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

- Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

-It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

- Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

- What if there were no hypothetical questions?

- When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

- What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

- My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

- How can there be self-help "groups"?

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.(Creepy) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home; maybe at work.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.......) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

SIMPLE TRUTth 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "congtatulations."
But ,none of them come around and touch the mans penis and says "Good job."
Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated."

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past..

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada -
cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts

On wisdom, Confucius say
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion!

Man stuck in pantry have ass in jam.

When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet than to open mouth and remove all doubt.

Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.

He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.

Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.

He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.

Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.

Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who fly airplane upside-down bound to have crack up.

The following Alzheimers test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a single mistake. The average person over 50 years of... age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down

Morphy's Lesser Known Dictum's...

How To Say I Love You

Medical Chuckles

Rules for Good Housekeeping - Men

"Excuse me, sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, sir."

"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah. I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"

"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me."

"You mean the commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."

"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that."

"What do you mean 'you lost them'! Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, sir. I forgot."

"Well, My Son always saves, Moses."

"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though. "

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did."

"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."

"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think that is spamming, Moses."

"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what did he say?"

"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"

"They're called viruses, Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them."

"We'll do it the new way, Moses."

"I was afraid you would say that, sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"

"Say goodnight, Moses."

"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"

"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"

Cowboy Buying a Bra

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to
fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If
you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this
do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it
to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool
lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of
 the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal
husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the
bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge
leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also
ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on
a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
 
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to
his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but
had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away,
then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the
rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.

"What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
 
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
 
I kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
 
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer
her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
 
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and
no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang
on Granny, hang on!"
 
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled
up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that
we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise
made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then
she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell
in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in
the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
 
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored
her to perfect health.
 
I can't wait until next Christmas.

Letters From Dogs To God

Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch?  Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog?
How often do you see a cougar riding around?  We dogs love a nice ride!  Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' to the
'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,  whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic
energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths.  What do humans understand?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven?  If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
May I have my ovaries back?

Dear God,
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:

* I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

* I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

* The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

* The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

* The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

* My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

* I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

* I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

* Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'

* I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

* I will not throw up in the car.

* I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

* I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

* The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Senior's Personal Ad

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking
for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy .

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday,
let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some
hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

NEWLY DISCOVERED DISEASES
 Yield Deficit Disorder (YDD): This affliction, which disproportionately affects women and the elderly, is serious and can be life threatening. Those with YDD experience perceptive problems which prevent them from entering a traffic stream already in motion. Typically, the sufferer moves in the yield lane at one to two miles per hour hoping for a two hour or two mile lull in traffic. When this does not occur, the YDD patient simply closes his or her eyes and begins moving into traffic with only the protective hand of God to clear the way.

Cerebral Phlebitis: The primary symptom of this male-only disease is an enormous swelling of the head. If left unchecked, it can affect brain functions, causing the sufferer to inaccurately recall past performance in job-related activities, social situations, and even the size of certain reproductive body parts. The only known cure for cerebral phlebitis is a risky procedure known as a "Marriage of Equals." This is an extremely dangerous, open-heart operation which often fails.

Bingivitis: This inexplicable disease affects only individuals who are directly in front of me at the Kentucky Fried Chicken buffet, or similar food bars. It causes them to take the last piece of Original Recipe chicken, the last scoop of stuffing; basically, to load down their plate like Fred does at the beginning of the Flintstones when the Bronto Ribs tip over his car. The bingivits sufferer goes on to find a seat, leaving me with some soggy, vinegar-soaked greens and jiggling Tahiti Salad to choose from

Cheeriosclerosis: Also known as "hardening of the cereal," this frightening male condition results from leaving the cereal or other late night snack out on the coffee table overnight. In the morning, the crusty remains are harder than diamonds, impenetrable by soaking or even repeated and vigorous fork-jamming. Frequently, the only solution is a dangerous "bowl transplant" which involves trying to replace the bowl with an identical one without your wife knowing it. Sadly, in most cases the new bowl is rejected.

Post-Traumatic Dress Syndrome: This debilitating disease strikes women, primarily in the child-bearing ages. After a choosing an outfit to wear for work or play, the afflicted woman simply locks up in fear and delusional paranoia, muttering about the unsuitability of the chosen ensemble. During a flare-up, if the patient's spouse asks "what's the problem?" or speaks at all, this triggers a massive escalation of the condition which can be life-threatening to the spouse, and will cause the patient to shout "I HATE MY CLOTHES!" and lock herself in the room. There is no cure, other than more and more dresses or an evening's worth of uninterrupted compliments and reassurance.

Please pass it along and share it with your loved ones. A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:
1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle.  They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.
2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who's clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around specifically to cut clothing.
3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse, or doing other activities while walking because they are off-guard and can be easily overpowered.
4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between 5:00 a.m. and 8:30 a.m.
5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery store parking lots. The number two: office parking lots/garages.  Number three: public restrooms.
6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.
7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.
8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.
9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas in their hands, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance. Keys are NOT a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.
10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it?, or make general small talk: 'I can't believe it is so cold out here,' 'We're in for a bad winter.'  Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a target.
11) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell STOP! or STAY BACK!  Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.
12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes), yell I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.
13) If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength, but you can by outsmarting them.  If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm (between the elbow and armpit) OR in the upper inner thigh VERY VERY HARD.  One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed stitches.  Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it - it hurts.
14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN.  I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful.  You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble.  Start causing trouble and he's out of there.
15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible.  The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.
16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can, and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts!You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!
2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans :  If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse.  RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy.  The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc, and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.)  DON'T DO THIS!  The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go.  AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head, DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Airbag will save you.  If the person is in the back seat, they will get the worst of it.  As soon as the car crashes, bail out and run. It is better than having them find your corpse in a remote location.
5 A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot or parking garage:A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door.  Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will not likely shoot, but even if he does, he will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, preferably in a zigzag pattern!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP! It may get you raped or killed. Ted Bundy , the serial killer, was a good-looking, well-educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is s when he abducted his next victim.
9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.'The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.'  He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes, thinking that someone dropped off a baby.  He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby --- This should be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted recently when they profiled a serial killer in Louisiana.

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1 -- You believe in Santa Claus. 2 -- You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3 -- You are Santa Claus. 4 -- You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Have a wonderful day with many smiles

Take the time to live!!!
Life is short. Dance naked

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non -living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road...ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL ASS FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, o r for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. (The chicken will likely end up being hit broadside by an 18-wheller while driving its car across the road.)

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chick en cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed. I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long d ream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

A Tennessee country preacher had a teenage son, and as he neared the end of high school it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study desk three items: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The older man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the three items on the desk. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. His father, watching quietly, started to silently thank the Lord. But then his son picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket, and twisted the top off the bottle and took a big drink!

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!!!!

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir,what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go Chuck goes."

"I'm sorry sir", said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He undid his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "Hell at our age we've seen 'em all."

"I thought so too," said Mildred, "But this one's eatin' my popcorn"!!!!!!

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.  So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking On the door.

9. You have to have another kid Chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy Only.

7. When someone drops a candy Bar in your bag, you lose your Balance and fall over.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," And you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick Or .." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a Costume that won't dislodge your Hairpiece.

2. You'r e the only Power Ranger in The neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors Should not go Trick Or Treating...

1. You keep having to go home to pee.

No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol'Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two - thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. the boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son," his father asks.

"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, but you just won't believe this - they had such good results they started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk !"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a b_tch before he talks to your Mother !"

"I sure did, Dad !"

"That's my boy !"

THE YOUNG COWBOY WENT ON TO BE A SUCCESSFUL LAWYER ....... AND THEN HE WENT ON TO BECOME A CONGRESSMAN.

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men?Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ' What is Politics? '

Dad says, ' Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the
Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense. '

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely
soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent ' s room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny ' s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ' Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, ' Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about. '

The little boy replies,
'The President is screwing the WorkingClass while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep shit.

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a person.

Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."

1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
- No foreplay.

2. Can't hail a cab.
- Impotent.

3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
- Prefers virgins.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way.
- He is a virgin.

5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant.
- Will swallow.

6. Takes too long deciding what to order.
- Has trouble reaching orgasm.

7. Insists on ordering for you, saying, "The lady will have..."
- Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.

8. Asks for "the usual"
- Insists on missionary position only.

9. Asks what the specials are.
- Will want you to use handcuffs.

10. Fills up on bread and crackers.
- Premature ejaculator.

11. Drinks decaf.
- Fakes orgasms.

12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts.
- Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

13. Credit card is refused.
- Low sperm count.

14. Under tips waiter.
- Small penis.

15. Uses toothpick.
- Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.  Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been
    given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin
    with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she
    thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back
    to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think
    long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint.
    Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE
    sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F**K YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do
    several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's
    response refer to # 3.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit
by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St.  Peter.  "Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem.  We seldom see a high official around
these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

'No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.  What we'll
do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.  Then you
can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind.  I want to be in heaven," says the
senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter
escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf
course.  In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it
are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.  They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes.  They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where
St.Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator
joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud,
playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he
realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.  Now
choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell."  So St. Peter escorts him to
the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.  He sees all his
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in
black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator.  "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.  Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look
miserable.  What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning.  Today you voted."

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal
illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting
her things 'in order,' she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her
house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.

She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what
scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave
when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to
her. 'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly.

'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply.

'This is very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to
be buried with a fork in my right hand..'

The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.

'That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked.

'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor.

The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this
story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its
 message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement.
In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that
when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would
inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part
because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate
cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!'

So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a
fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?'
Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork ..the best is yet to come.'

The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the
young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he
would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman
had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what
heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much
experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket
and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her
right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the
fork?' And over and over he smiled.

During his message, the Pastor told the people of the
conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He
also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her.
He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told
them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.

He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let
it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends
are a very rare jewel, indeed.  They make you smile and encourage you to
succeed.  Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share.
Being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility.

Proper Job Placement

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.
4. Then analyze the situation.

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting
   Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them
   in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them
   in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in
   Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in
   Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations and they are
   looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in
   Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic
   Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has
   been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such
   a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in
   Congress.

Fatherly advice
 
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor.  First, the wife
speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what
seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm
going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things.
First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and
refuses to go near anyone.  It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me
be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters.  The
counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her
crazy.  She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and
considerate and I've always given her what she wants!  What could
be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that
are driving her crazy.  First, you're always acting strange in
public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand!  It's one
of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I
swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should
not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in
public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to
do!  He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge
in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during
your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father
commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important
thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw
up!'"

Why Some Women Have Dogs and Not Husbands
 
1. A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.

2. When a cat goes to the toilet she tries not to leave a trace.

3. You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where
   she is.

4. If you stroke a cat she won't leap on you for sex.

5. You don't mind that much if a cat brings a bird home every night.

6. When a cat comes in at midnight, it doesn't wake you up by
   smashing into the furniture.

7. Cats never pretend they know how to set the clock in the VCR.

8. Cats don't care what size your boobs are.

9. Cats still love you even when your perm goes wrong.

10. Cats love rubbing up to your legs no matter how much cellulite
    you have.

11. Cats can be neutered if they stray.

Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to deserve this", or "Why did God
have to do this to me". Here is a wonderful explanation!

A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's
failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend
is moving away.

Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she
would like a snack, and the daughter says, "Absolutely Mom, I love
your cake."

"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers.

"Yuck" says her daughter.

"How about a couple raw eggs?"

"Gross, Mom!"

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"

"Mom, those are all yucky!"

To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by
themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they
make a wonderfully delicious cake!

God works the same way. Many times we wonder why he would let us go
through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when he puts
these things all in his order, they always work for good! We just
have to trust him and, eventually, they will all make something
wonderful!

God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a
sunrise every morning.

Whenever you want to talk, he'll listen. He can live anywhere in the
universe, and he chose your heart.

I hope your day is a "piece of cake!"

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we
might as well dance.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a"LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's"REAR CLEAVAGE."

• In each task that must be done, there is opportunity. See the task not as a burden, but as an encouragement to be fully alive and effective.

 The real burden would be the inability to do anything. No task is a burden, but is instead the chance to express your own aliveness.

 Does the work seem dreary, unimaginative, tedious or boring? That's mainly because your attitude makes it so.

 See what happens when you start by being thankful for the opportunity to do it. Your genuine gratitude will help you to see the positive value.

 When the things you must do become things you want to do, it can transform your life. Each moment takes on more meaning; each effort brings greater and greater reward.

 Rather than fighting and forcing yourself to do what must be done, let go of your resistance and allow yourself to accomplish. Let what you must, become what you want, and watch yourself begin to soar.

• Life is not a race. It is a journey.

 Getting someplace first, before anyone else, has very little real and lasting meaning. Seek instead to encourage others to come along, and you'll find the journey much more fulfilling.

 When you hurry through each moment, you miss out on the richness that could be yours. Take the time to live, to experience where you are, rather than being so obsessed with getting to the next checkpoint.

 When you stop demanding to have it all now, you'll discover that you have plenty already. Learn to experience joy where you are, and you'll experience it in abundance.

 Yes, it can be wonderfully exhilarating when life is moving quickly. But do not move so quickly that speed becomes your only experience, for there is so much more to enjoy.

 The terrain of life is filled with wonderful and astounding detail. Slow down and take in its richness.

One step away:

• If you were just one step away from reaching your goal, would you take that step? How do you know, right now, that you're not?

 What a shame it would be to stop making the effort, when just a little bit more would make it all worthwhile. What a shame it would be to have taken all those steps, only to miss the very last one.

 The next step you take may very well be the one that makes all the others count. You owe it to yourself, and the efforts you've made, to keep going.

 No, the next step may not get you there. Yet what about the one after that? If you keep moving ahead, a little at a time, you will indeed arrive. When you take that final, triumphant step, you'll be so very thankful you persevered.

 At some point success is just one step away. Keep going and you'll be there.

• Your inner thoughts can cause you to be rich or poor, loved or unloved, happy or unhappy, attractive or unattractive, powerful or weak.

 What you impress upon your mind, you'll inevitably become. It's a psychological law that whatever you desire to accomplish you must first impress upon your subconscious mind.

 Relentless, repetitive self talk will change your self image. You'll affect your subconscious mind with verbal repetition. Constant repetition carries conviction.

When you change your values you'll change your behavior. Start thinking of yourself as becoming the person you want to be. Self suggestion will make you the master of yourself.

 If you believe you can, you can.

 You can become whatever you want to be.

• Don't love the Heart that hurts you and don't hurt the Heart that loves you.

 Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.

• Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.

• Most people walk in and out of your life, but only friend's leave footprints in your heart.

• True friendship "never" ends. Friends are forever.

• People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

• If we are incapable of finding peace in ourselves, it is pointless to search elsewhere.

• The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.

• A change of heart changes everything.

• Our greatest glory is not in ever falling, but in rising every time we fall.

• You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.

• One generation plants trees, and the next enjoys the shade.

• It is difficult to live in the present, ridiculous to live in the future, and impossible to live in the past. Nothing is as far away as one minute ago.

There is a curve called failure, a loop called confusion, speed bumps called friends, caution lights called family, and you will have flats called jobs.
But, if you have a spare called determination, an engine called perseverance, insurance called faith, and a driver called God, you will make it to a place called success!

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering  near  40)
are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're
unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are
correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what
you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go
together and should be avoided:

 1. A nose ring and bifocals


 2. Spiked hair and bald spots

 3. A pierced tongue and dentures


 4. Miniskirts and support hose

 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads


 6. Speedo's and cellulite

 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar


 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

 9.  Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge


10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins


12.  Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least  . . .  my personal favorite:


13. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when  you shop.

The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE. You are special! Don't EVER forget it."