We just opened the Leather Reign BDSM conference registration: the Fifth Reign in Seattle. This conference focuses on the lifestyle of Ds and Leather relationships and only is small portion of presentations focus on the technique at the advanced to very advanced level. Presenters are flying in from all over US and many are current or past title holders.

This year we will be at a new and very amazing location with great access to the airport and the downtown. We are planing to have complete floors of the hotel reserved just for our participants - so please make sure to book your room exactly how we instruct you to do.

We will have some great vendors to satisfy your pre-Christmas experience and needs for the special something :)

Please contact us for more details or search the web for Leather Reign Seattle.

This entry was already here but somehow disappeared... enjoy!

While I will discuss limits here and what I think about them – this is my opinion and if you have limits I accept it.

Let’s get into the theme… limits and what they are.

I talk to many submissives and Dominants and one thing that comes up a lot are soft and hard limits. From what they are telling me I understand the following definition for those terms:

• Soft limit is something the person did not experience yet and it is interested to experience even if it not voluntarily
• Hard limit is something the person would not do in any case
  

First, why do I say person? Aren’t only submissives
subjected to limitations? Nope! Dominants have exactly the same issue. We have some things we do easily, some things we do only with extended preparation, and some things we do not do. We normally do not call them limits; we call them preferences not to show any weakness. If some activity is a favorite of a submissive and a hard limit for the Dominant this causes void in satisfaction for the submissive.

Good, now that I clarified it is about all of us… what I
really believe about it. I will talk about this again with examples.

Medical limits and limits because of physical disability are the only hard limits I know of. If a person is not able to kneel because of knee problems, this can not be changed without operation (if possible at all). This means that there is no way to incorporate kneeling into any kind of procedure, ritual, scene or whatever you might call the interaction between the Dominant and the submissive.

Fresh tattoo is a temporary hard limit for spanking in that area (unless you want to remove and scar it immediately). It is also medical limit.

How about other hard limits I hear a lot about? Let’s say that a submissive had an experience with a Dominant years ago when He used needles and this caused extensive bleeding and pain. The needles also were not sterile and this caused skin reactions and extensive antibiotic treatment over seven days. The submissive after this put needles on the hard limit list.

Now imagine a new situation with the same submissive. She met a new Dominant and they understand each other perfectly. Some day they are involved with each other and middle of the heat of
power exchange the Dominant knows that she needs the punctual pain associated with a needle. He also has a new completely sterilized needle with Him. However because of the hard limit he will not be able to push the submissive. She is deprived of the pleasure she never experienced before and she never will as long as she has needles on the hard limit list.

The Dominant however knows very well of the effect He would be causing and is also deprived of the enjoyment He would have when He sees the submissive deep into subspace under His control.

Another example I see often are imagined hard limits. I can not imagine licking your feet for example. This happens because the submissive thinks that all feet are smelly and dirty. She has a picture in her head that in a lot of cases just is not the reality. And it is not just the picture of the feet; it is also the picture of how she would lick them – the activity itself. How should she ever learn the beautiful unlimited world of Ds when she immediately limits it?

How about soft limits? Things you tried and did not work out. Things you did not try and imagine that they are not something you would do exactly voluntarily. Often hot wax is one of them. Submissives are scared of getting burned. Dominants scared of burning the submissive. The person is very curious about it, but also very scared. Mostly it is because of no experience with it or bad experience with it. Mostly this is a soft limit because you actually do not want to do it, but know that many enjoy it a lot.

Now imagine that you really were burned by wax. Your last Dominant went to a store and bought hot candles because he did not know the difference. He also never tried those candles on himself. You were the first test. Then He wanted to be extreme and started dripping it on your lips. The pain kicked you out. There was no thought any more of anything but running away. Limit! Never again! But why do many other submissives just dream about it. Let’s put it on the soft limit list and maybe explore again.

The next Dominant knows which candles to get. He knows to start on less receptive parts of the body. He knows to involve this in other activities. It would be a pleasure any day. However through a soft limit he will not involve this in casual day because he would need to negotiate this with you first. And when you will know he will do it you will build tension about it. It will be half the pleasure it can be. You will never put it from the list and always wonder why others enjoy it so much.

I do not believe in limits. I believe in reason. If (and only IF) you found a Dominant you trust and the Dominant understand you, your reactions, your body, your desires, you feelings, he will know what to do. He will know when he is close to your limits. He will know when and how to push. He will know what he can do and what not. He will take you on a new journey every day. You will not expect it and will not be scared. He will take you beyond your imagination. You will show him your concerns and he will read them instantly. He will decide what to do about them. Will he go other ways? Will he stop? Will he push? It is his decision and he will make the right one. If He does not and this happens several times, He will lose your trust and lose you.

I know this was very provocative. As always I invite you to comment!

Be safe!

Crop use for advanced users

It was surprising to me to discover that no one knows about the "over the hand" crop use. Why? Because it is a very distinct way for very different kind of "slap" to the skin.

How does it work?

I will discuss it for right hand use of the crop - invert for the left hand use.

Important is to be able to use both hands. This means you have to be stable without holding yourself to anything. Further, you need to have a very flexible crop. It has to be able to flex in the last quarter of the length alone at least 60 degrees, better more. Lastly, your underarm must be able to stop the crop movement.

You actually do not hit the submissive submissive with the crop directly. You hit your underarm about one quarter to one third away from the end. You stop the swing exactly when you hit your underarm else you will create a negative moment that will prevent execution. When you hit your underarm the front and of the crop will continue swinging and will bend towards your target. The clapper at the end of the drop will follow the move and slap the skin without any other part of the crop hitting it. The feeling is somewhere between sting and thud dependent on the size of the clapper at the end of the crop. Ideally it should be long and narrow to achieve stingy feeling and short and wide to achieve more thud like feeling.

Try it out!

My last weeks were busy not just with work and life, but also with discussions with individuals about hard times for whatever reason. I was positively surprise but the power some individuals show to go forward.

At the same time I had luck to be able to go through some personal lessons that help you organize life and defining the future of my life. Of course the same is applicable for business.

There are many concepts that can be applied to very problematic situations. There is however one thing common to all of them: 2 think better than one and 3 better than two. This means that going through hard times alone is much harder than having a friend in such situation.

Now let's start turning the situation around. To be able to make it better we need to know what better is. For this you have to do what is the hardest thing to do: forget about your problems and hard times. Because what you need to do first is to imagine the perfect situation. How would you like your life to be? Do not ask yourself if it is possible or not. Do not ask if you can get there or not. Just imagine the situation itself.

Do you want to live downtown in a 24/7 relationship, have children that go to schools, serve your beloved Dominant, going on vacation to Hawaii? So be it. This is the picture.

Do you want to have a career, several partners, live alone, and meet every night a different submissive. Then this is your picture.

Do not question the validity, there is plenty of time for it. Imagine the unimaginable.

Now you can start browsing for ways to get there – at least partly. One of the most important steps here is that you need a lot of ideas, because the more ideas you have the more you can evaluate and choose from. This is why we often choose a process called brainstorming. This is basically thinking of ideas without judging them. It is not important if you can really realize them. The pure number of ideas is important. Completely good ideas are: “Win the lottery”, “Inherit million dollars”, “Find that I am related to Bill Gates”. Of course there are also ideas like “Sit down and talk”, “Get a job”, “Go to school”. Write all of them down. Ask your friends for more ideas. The more the merrier.

In the next step go over ideas and think of positive and negative facets of them. “Win the lottery” would for example solve monetary problems for life, but would not do anything about problems in relationship that are not tied to money. “Get a job” would be on the positive side a way to secure life resources for the next years, but would not do anything in the first 10 days.

This might be a very long exercise, but make sure to do it completely. When you are finished find ideas with the least negative effects as long as they have more positive effects. Those ideas are easier to realize and bring the fastest benefits.

Common to all techniques is one. Establish positive thinking (the ideal situation) first, then look at how you can get there. Discuss it with friends. Make sure you are O.K. to make sure your relationship is O.K. If you are not happy alone you will not be happy in a relationship.

And do not forget – you are never alone. If you are reading this, you joined a web page with many people that think like you do or at least will understand what your thoughts are. Ask for help and you will receive it!

Be safe!

Distinct Guide

Mentoring and forms of mentoring are very confusing for novice in Ds because the concept is very different from the vanilla life. However it can be compared with business life – having a consultant for new projects, if we consider Ds lifestyle as new project. Would you start a new project on the house that you never did before without someone who will do it or can at least give you a hand?

This is exactly what a mentor is. Someone helping you understand the Ds world. Helping you get answers to your questions.

What is the difference between Mentor and Master? The core difference is in the outcome of the relationship. Relationship with the Mentor has the goal to find you a permanent situation with a Master (in case of a submissive; there is of course also mentoring for Dominants). When you grow it becomes very clear to you what kind of a Master you prefer and the Mentor will even help you with the process.

In very few cases Mentor with become a Master. This happens only at the explicit request of the submissive and should really be an exceptional situation.

The simplest form of mentoring is basically a dedicated friendship. Mentor can be remote and the submissive is able to discuss whatever questions she has with the Mentor. He will be honest in his opinion and very forthcoming with information. He will make her aware of other possibilities and problems that might be in the way. He will ask questions that will open her view. This lowest level of mentoring is completely non intrusive to the submissive’s life.

The next level of mentoring happens when the Mentor actually has a program of themes to discuss. This opens for the submissive ideas and worlds she did not think about. It is a closer relationship than before because the submissive normally focuses on the direction dictated by the Mentor, which is not the case with the simplest way of mentoring. Good Mentor will discuss all aspects of Ds – even the one’s He does not like and will not be judgmental to any of them.

The next highest level is normally achieved when the submissive decides to start the search for the permanent Master. Here the Mentor assumes the controlling role. He becomes the guard. He will make sure to read her communication with candidates. He will make her aware of problems that might occur. Very often he will have the complete information to log into her accounts and see each and every mail and every chat transcript. As a guard Mentor will make sure that she will be well in the future.

The highest level is the live in mentoring. Here the submissive lives with the Dom like they would be in a relationship for the purpose of exploring the lifestyle. While there are the same possibilities and limitations as with other submissives, submissive in a mentoring relationship normally had more possibilities to say no, to watch, to learn as voyeur. Often the submissive here will not be the only one in the relationship.

I hope this short overview helped… as always have fun and be safe!

One thing that I consistently hear from everyone on this web page (and about other pages also) is that there is just a huge amount of players and fakes around and that it is really hard to find the right partner. I spent a lot of thoughts on it.

My idea is to create a non-profit organization that would work on the following basic principles:

1. all members are certified (meaning that they submitted a copy of their drivers license or passport, which would be in the files of the organization and nowhere else)
2. when members want to join they need to apply for the page through individual written application that explains why they would like to join and who they are
3. there should be also an in person verification of the member via phone
4. joining to the non-profit as a result of reference from other members is the preferred way (however there should be other ways possible also)
5. the non-profit would have a committee of members that would decide on new applications (accept or not of members, interviewing new applicants)
6. each non-profit member would have a profile on a web page
7. the web page would feature profiles, mail exchange, and chat possibilities, discussion boards – it could be just CM with or maybe own page
8. all work would be voluntary (no paid employees)
9. very low membership fees for the non-profit (just enough to keep up the directory of members and potential web page going and for basic administration cost) – I think that as contribution to non-profit those could even be tax deductable

Of course going forward this non-profit could expand into other areas (but of course one after another):

1. library of online resources
2. regular meetings
3. vacation broker (working with travel agencies to organize special vacations, or private vacation space exchange)
4. conferences
5. help for members in problematic situations

Still, the basic idea is to get rid of players and keep the forum as far as possible safe and sane. I explored about this and found it executable with relatively small effort.

What do you think about this idea? Please respond vie mail! Tell me where I am right and where wrong.

Thanks!

Have a great day!

Physics defines three official dimensions (length, width, height; x, y, z) and as the forth dimension time. With this physics can describe every even smallest piece of mass in the universe. This means that physics can tell exactly where we are by the description of those four dimensions for any moment in our life.

From the Ds perspective all four dimensions are very important. We prefer to know where we are at what time (as probably everyone else in the world). However there is one situation when we open the fifth dimension; one situation where we are not where we are supposed to be. It is called subspace.

The best description is really that we are away from ourselves. It is also the description that is the most wrong. Subspace is where we are only ourselves. Nothing else matters. It is relief of everything external. No thinking of the Dom. No thinking of the bills. No thinking of the bad experience that happened today in the office. Actually it is no thinking at all.

Basically a submissive enters subspace when the feeling overwhelms thinking. We think about many things: what we see, what we do, what we hear, etc. Closer to the entrance to subspace submissive will see the pictures, hear the voices, but not be able any more to analyze them. Not react to them. It seems like she would be in a trans. It is comparable to being under influence of drugs or alcohol.

Reaching subspace blurs the thinking even more. Submissive will not know any more what she sees. She will be completely focused on herself and the inner desires. If she desires the Dominant she is with, submissive will understand only Him from thousand of voices very clear. Everything that is not in the sub consciousness of the submissive is blurred away.

This is the state of complete focus and complete relaxation at the same time. When it ends submissive will mostly not know what was happening when she visited the subspace. She will be exhausted, wet, and cold. Make sure that you take care of her very well. She just lost time in her life and won another great experience. This is overwhelming for the submissive. Hug her and never let her alone.

How do you enter subspace? Can you force someone into subspace? Can everyone do it? Most submissives enter subspace by whipping, flogging, or any other form of intense pain. This is the easiest way, but also the most boring way. Remember how I defined the moment when the submissive enters subspace: feeling overwhelms thinking. Good sensual Dominant will make the submissive feel a lot even without pain. She will be so overwhelmed by her feelings and they will make her travel straight to the subspace much faster and with less energy compared to whipping. This will make her more rested at the end and the whole experience more enjoyable.

At the end I have to confess that I was never myself in subspace. All of the comments about subspace itself are from submissives I was with that entered and exited it. I was always on the Dominant side. Please, if you think I misrepresented it, let me know and I will correct it.

Subspace is another example of submissive without any control over herself. She can not protect herself. This means that the Dominant has to step up for the whole time. And please, do not forget the aftercare!

Comment as always welcome!

I was kind of surprised to receive a request about body memory. Most people do not even know what this is… But why not… let’s discuss it, because it actually plays a very big role in Ds on the positive and negative side.

The official medical term is “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder”. This is because medicine is looking at it only from the point of a problem (and therefore disorder).

What is it according to medical definition? If you had a really stressful experience (a car accident, rape, beating) you do not remember only the situation and experience. Your sub consciousness remembers the environment – the chemical characteristics like smell, taste, chemicals in the air. Whenever the same kind of characteristics occurs again, the person thinks of the bad experience without intent.

We all hope we will not have the traumatic experience. In Ds there is a lot of body memory in the positive experience. One reason why I prefer to use hemp rope is exactly body memory. The sub consciousness has the same ability to remember chemical characteristics like smell, taste, and chemicals we are not even aware of for very positive experiences. In example of the rope the submissive that had good experience with bondage will instantly get relaxed when she smells the rope again. And she will not know why. It can get as far as being really pulled towards the place where the rope is.

It is however not just about things like rope. A lot of body memory is about body chemicals itself. Those are very specific. We all know how we feel attached to certain person without any good reason. Sometimes one part of the body just has this unbelievable attraction. From my experience some submissives loved my underarms when I was sweaty (I personally think they smell terrible), some liked my hands, some my lips. Those are just different body parts that have different smells, different chemicals that are distributed into the air. It is something that reminds them of the focus, of the experiences, of good times. It is calming and exciting at the same time. It let’s them focus, concentrate. It is the silent guide in the background that no one can explain.

But do not forget – it is related to very good and very bad. If there was very bad experience that happened in Ds with any partner and the sub consciousness finds the same kind of environment the reaction will be negative at first independent of the current experience. It will take a lot of patience and pushing to get through it and an extremely good experience to negate the effect.

Bad body memory can be worked against only by Doms that know the psychological aspect of Ds and know how to use senses to achieve certain behavior. Ff you do not achieve the best experience possible you will actually increase the negative association.

As always be good and safe!

Last days were busy, so I did not have enough time to write a new entry here. Writing journal entry is not my life, so accept that there is no regular schedule.

I got several questions about bondage and I have to say some of them were really surprising for me. Today’s entry will be about bondage and my view of it.

The comments and questions I received were very different. Here is an example of them (without sources and of course not word by word correct):

• What is this whole tying me up thing about?
• What do you do after I am immobilized?
• Is this only for the enjoyment of the Dom?
• Where do you put 100 feet of rope on the submissive?
• I really like the nice blue rope – why do not you use it?
• What is the turn on for the Dom and the submissive?
• What does bondage have to do with shaving?

All of those questions are excellent! Thank all for discussing this with me.

Let’s start a little in the history. Bondage definitely sources from old immobilization techniques used to prevent first animals and later people to escape. Early ages of eastern Asian cultures and mid ages in Europe extended the use of rope tying to the area of causing pain. Only very late bondage started to be used for purpose of pleasure.

Today good bondage Dominants will know to use the rope for right purpose and in the right way. There are schools of thoughts like Shibari, which teach a specific way to tie a human body. As always no school is perfect and in reality the Dominant and submissive will have to experiment to achieve the right mixture or immobilization, pain, and pleasure for the purpose of the hour.

In addition I consider bondage as art. I think that every effect can be achieved with a visually pleasing “package”. I think that there are two kinds of pictures that are most erotic: people dressed in visually pleasing clothes that show the figures and promise more as well as people in visually pleasing bondage. Yes, I am also a hobby photographer. Do not ask me for pictures however because I will not share pictures without permission of the person I took them of and I do not have many those permissions currently.

It is hard to explain bondage as a whole because there are so many possibilities of it. I will focus on few very specific examples and with them try to explain what it is about.

Bondage as pleasure incorporates many different ways to tie a submissive. Common to all of them is that the body is tied with specific pressure points that stimulate the submissive. This can be done short or long term. Pressure points can be stimulated by guiding of the rope over them in simplest case or by tying knots of the right size on top of them in more advanced cases. Of course it is about the individual submissive to discover where those pressure points need to be. One way to tie the rope for purpose of stimulation is to guide it over the crotch (crotch harness) on the bare skin and place a knot on top of clitoris. Every step causes in this case additional stimulation and the submissive is constantly kept excited. It is also very important for the submissive to be clean shaved else the rope would cause pain by pulling of the hair with each step which would eliminate the effect of excitement. The pressure of the stimulation can be easily adjusted by splitting or joining the ropes which will increase or decrease the tension on the crotch and with this the tension on the clitoris with the knot. The real beauty of the crotch harness is that it can be worn under clothing without anyone but a trained eye noticing it. Send the submissive visiting her parents wearing it and she will be thankful you forever.

Another example is the breast harness. Because many submissives are sensitive at and around nipples, this is not something that we succeed the first time. Try it often – it is worth it! You will need to guide the rope horizontally over the nipples without tightening it too much. This means that you will need helper ropes to hold it in place. There is no need for knots here as nipples already are exposed area. Although this rope is easier visible going to a dark dance club or bar always increases excitement.

When tying for immobilization, rope can be used almost around the whole body. Of course there are places where you have to be extremely careful to prevent the blood flow; however this can be easily achieved by quadrupling or more of the rope to increase stability and at the same time increase visual appeal. Even while tied for immobility you need to leave some slack in the rope to allow for swelling of the body often happening after longer periods of immobility. There are simple ties for immobility like hogtie, which ties the wrists and the ankles together behind the back. You can do this also upfront, which will make the submissive sitting in front of you. You can spread the legs tying wrists to the knee in an open legged crab. Possibilities are endless and relatively simple to do. Submissive will feel exposed and with this she will think of many scenarios where the Dominant would use the situation to his benefit. This could include scenes of forced activities not limited just to sex, extreme care for the submissive, flogging and whipping or sensual play. Do not disappoint her!

The last category is tying for the purpose of causing pain. Those are intentional ties that will no harm the submissive, but will cause substantial reaction. Some Dominants use this as punishment; some use it for their pleasure. Some submissives crave pain. With time this is a good tool for sensory deprivation causes by continuous pain. Using smaller rope diameter will regularly cause more pain. Stopping blood circulation with deprive body parts of feelings. Tying in uncomfortable positions will cause the submissive to automatically assume the least painful position, which might be needed to teach her.

I often also receive questions about suspension. It is just another form of bondage where the submissive gives up even more control. She is not able to control the location of her body. It is “lost in space” or to be precise balanced in the air. Very often the submissive will feel uncomfortable while suspended the first time. This is when the Dominant needs to be there all of the time touching her and stabilizing her, so she builds more and more trust into the situation. Suspension can be achieved either by a series of individual ties that will stabilize individual parts of the body and with final ties lift her completely off the ground. Another possibility is to use a lift after the ties are done. I prefer the first method because it continuously balances itself.

In most cases rope of about 25 feet per piece is used to achieve individual ties. Few ties require more and I would not recommend it for beginners because long rope is hard to handle. I used several hundred feet of rope in a single tie when I tied an extended rope corset. Of course I was ready to cut the rope at any time with safety knife that is also used to remove medical bandages of any thickness. It can take several hours to tie and untie a submissive. Do not focus on the rope, focus on the submissive. You are doing this because of You and her. Do not make this a single lesson of patience. Tie so that every step is a finished and stable situation which you can explore for some time before you continue.

I use mostly raw hemp rope. The reason is that this rope is naturally strong. It is raw and causes some pricking stimulation to the skin. The best thing however is the smell – which is the magic in itself. Because the rope absorbs body fluids of any kind never share the rope between different partners. Also, because I prefer raw rope I will never wash it and reuse it for purpose of bondage.

At the end of course the ultimate warning:

Any kind of bondage is the situation where the submissive is limited with her capabilities. This means that the Dominant has to take over all of the missing capabilities of the submissive. Listen to the submissive. If the rope hurts when it is put on, it will hurt more after you finish. If she can not breathe immediately lose the rope or cut the rope. I will go here to the extreme and really suggest to visit a first aid course before you do bondage (I did it already 3 times!).

I hope to have put some interesting thoughts and you are as always welcome to comment.

Thank you!

Distinct Guide

For this journal entry I warn at the beginning that:

1. I would not necessarily do what I use in examples – they are just examples to make very clear what I mean (I state this explicitly because I received so many comments about shaving the hair from half of the head)
2. While I will discuss limits here and what I think about them – this is my opinion and if you have limits I accept it

Let’s get into the theme… limits and what they are.

I talk to many submissives and Dominants and one thing that comes up a lot are soft and hard limits. From what they are telling me I understand the following definition for those terms:

• Soft limit is something the person did not experience yet and it is interested to experience even if it not voluntarily
• Hard limit is something the person would not do in any case

First, why do I say person? Aren’t only submissives subjected to limitations? Nope! Dominants have exactly the same issue. We have some things we do easily, some things we do only with extended preparation, and some things we do not do. We normally do not call them limits; we call them preferences not to show any weakness. If some activity is a favorite of a submissive and a hard limit for the Dominant this causes void in satisfaction for the submissive.

Good, now that I clarified it is about all of us… what I really believe about it. I will talk about this again with examples.

Medical limits and limits because of physical disability are the only hard limits I know of. If a person is not able to kneel because of knee problems, this can not be changed without operation (if possible at all). This means that there is no way to incorporate kneeling into any kind of procedure, ritual, scene or whatever you might call the interaction between the Dominant and the submissive.

Fresh tattoo is a temporary hard limit for spanking in that area (unless you want to remove and scar it immediately). It is also medical limit.

How about other hard limits I hear a lot about? Do not forget those are just examples. Let’s say that a submissive had an experience with a Dominant years ago when He used needles and this caused extensive bleeding and pain. The needles also were not sterile and this cause skin reactions and extensive antibiotic treatment over seven days. The submissive after this put needles on the hard limit list. Now imagine a new situation with the same submissive. She met a new Dominant and they understand each other perfectly. Some day they are involved with each other and middle of the heat of power exchange the Dominant know that she needs the punctual pain associated with a needle. He also has a new completely sterilized needle with Him. However because of the hard limit he will not be able to push the submissive. She is deprived of the pleasure she never experienced before and she never will as long as she has needles on the hard limit list. The Dominant however knows very well of the effect He would be causing and is also deprived of the enjoyment He would have when He sees the submissive deep into subspace under His control.

Another example I see often are imagined hard limits. I can not imagine licking your feet for example. This happens because the submissive thinks that all feet are smelly and dirty. She has a picture in her head that in a lot of cases just is not the reality. And it is not just the picture of the feet; it is also the picture of how she would lick them – the activity itself. How should she ever learn the beautiful unlimited world of Ds when she immediately limits it?

How about soft limits? Things you tried and did not work out. Things you did not try and imagine that they are not something you would do exactly voluntarily. Often hot wax is one of them. Submissives scared of getting burned. Dominants scared of burning the submissive. The person is very curious about it, but also very scared. Mostly it is because of no experience with it or bad experience with it. Mostly this is a soft limit because you actually do not want to do it, but know that many enjoy it a lot. Now imagine that you really were burned by wax. Your last Dominant went to a store and bought hot candles because he did not know the difference. He also never tried those candles on himself. You were the first test. Then He wanted to be extreme and started dripping it on your lips. The pain kicked you out. There was no thought any more of anything but running away. Limit! Never again! But why do many other submissives just dream about it. Let’s put it on the limit list and maybe explore again. The next Dominant knows which candles to get. He knows to start on less receptive parts of the body. He knows to involve this in other activities. It would be a pleasure any day. However through a soft limit he will not involve this in casual day because he would need to negotiate this with you first. And you will know he will do it. You will build tension about it. And it will be half the pleasure it can be. You will never put it from the list and always wonder why others enjoy it so much.

I do not believe in limits. I believe in reason. If (and only IF) you found a Dominant you trust and the Dominant understand you, your reactions, your body, your desires, you feelings, he will know what to do. He will know when he is close to your limits. He will know when and how to push. He will know what he can do and what not. He will take you on a new journey every day. You will not expect it and will not be scared. He will take you beyond your imagination. You will show him your concerns and he will read them instantly. He will decide what to do about them. Will he go other ways? Will he stop? Will he push? It is his decision and he will make the right one. If He does not and this happens several times, He will lose your trust and lose you.

I know this was very provocative. As always I invite you to comment!

Be safe!

Distinct Guide

How can you give submissive comfort even during the hardest push when you are guiding her beyond what she can imagine? This will definitely help her getting through hard times. She needs something to rely uppon. Something that comes from the Dom and that she does not get anywhere else.

Of course the easiest and most used is word of comfort. Talking to her. Telling her what comes. Telling her how great she is. The Dom knows that she is, but we (including me) forget this way to often.

Second comforting thing is touch. Hand on the submissive will be the touch that gives her power and will. Touch her lips. Touch her hair. Touch her skin. Touch her butt. Let the hand rest for a while. Until she calms down and recoups herself.

However you can not fo any of those while you are swinging a heavy flogger for example. You will need all of you concentration on yourself for a moment. This is exactly where she will have the critical moment. The moment when the flogger touches the skin and causes the most pain.

One thing that helps here a lot are gags. There are however huge differences in gags and only few are reasonable for such use. Let's look into details...

Ball gag is the most used one. I have to agree that it looks great. It can be almost a fashion statement. It fills the mouth with its almost standard diameter of 1.8 inches. However this also causes problems. There is very limited air flow available on the sides of the ball. In addition the drool can not be swallowed and will drool out of the mouth. Therefore the mouth must always lean to the front so the drool can drip out. Also, never let the submissive in a condition where she can not control herself with the ball gag. She can easily run out of air. The ball is always filling the mouth and does not offer a good possibility to bite it to releave the pressure of the moment.

There are also ball gags with additional holes in them. While they allow more air to enter, those holes in most cases with time fill up with drool, so you are running into the same problem. In addition it has to be built from harder material that is not so pleasant to wear.

The best gag for comforting during hard moments are bit gags. They are build to survive the hardest bite from the submissive. And this is exactly what is needed. The moment when the flogger touches the submissive is the moment when she needs to bite it. Take either rubber bit or leather bit! It also is never in the way of air. Although the submissive will still drull, there is more space where it can drip away. Those are gags I prefer because they help the submissive. And yes, I like their look also ;-).

Again... be safe and responsible for the submissive!

Distinct Guide

Sleeping, the time of the silence and the time of rest? Or not?

Let's look at this from the pure practical perspective: we all need sleep. This does not change for the Dom and not for the sub. If we want to perform well the next day, we need to recharge our batteries.

There are basically two choices for sleep: short, intense sleep and long sleep with waking up and moving around. It is also a fact that sleep without dreams is more relaxing than sleep with dreams. However, still we wish each other sweet dreams!

To make life even more exciting we need to make either sleep more exciting or shorter. Both is possible especially in the Ds relationship. Some suggestions here will sound a little extreme and unusual - choose the one's you think are most achievable.

First, we will focus on short and intense sleep. To allow anyone intense sleep, we need to establish an environment of comfort. The biggest comfort for the submissive is the Dom itself. This can be achieved by personal contact: sleeping in the same bed, hugging each other, Dom's hand on the body of the submissive, and spooning. Even spooning with entering the submissive is possible to fall a sleep (however would not recommend to fall a sleep with a condom and trust that the protection will work!). But realistically, all of those positions are with time uncomfortable for the Dom and with this we are not able to do it every night.

How else can we make the submissive comfortable? The closest to the Dom is something that reminds her of the Dom. Constantly and without exception. Those can be things Dom gave to the sub like pieces of clothing and collar, but only if the Dom enforces His ties to them every day. It can also be something the Dom does with the sub like bondage and cuffs. However bondage is very hard to do for overnight. There are two major problems: letting blood flow through the body and prevent stagnation anywhere and preventing the the rope gets loose because it is more dangerous loose than tight. There are things that should never be tied over night: neck, inner thigh, tight breast bondage, any bondage under arm pit and inner side of upper arm. They can all stop blood flow to big parts of body and any part not getting enough oxigen for even short amounts of time can get into serious problems. Be also careful with tieing the upper body to tight to cause breathing restrictions. It was always amazing to me that there are two ways to use bondage for comfort: I call them symbolic bondage and immobilization. Symbolic bondage is where the rope is used only to tie a small part of the body. It does not cause any major movement restrictions. It is however enough to remind the sub that the Dom spend time with her and gives her comfort. Immobilization is where there is no doubt that the Dom has complete control over the sub and He uses the rope to substantially restrict movement of the sub during the night. Examples are hogtie and tieing the sub to the bedposts. While in the first few hours the submissive normally feels this unusual, later she becomes completely accostomed to it and feels very safe.

Intensify this with smells. Help rope is just something amazing. It intensifies every feeling.

The next comfort tool is mouth gag. Big warning: do not use the ball as mouth gag over night unless it contains holes in the ball. Submissive will drull her mouth full she can get problems with air intake. Mouth bit is much safer because if allow enough air to pass. Do not rely on the nose alone unless you are present and awake all of the time.

The last category of comfort are Dom's tasks that can be executed during night. One of the tasks for example is preparing for the early morning anal sex by wearing a butt plug. Another might be wearing of the corset to shape the body. All of those assure the submissive that she is doing good for the Dom and that the Dom is thinking of her and taking care of her.

How can sleep be made more interesting even if it is not as deep as it could be? The limits here are sky high. The simplest way are kisses during the night. It can be a night caressing. Night sex. Get an ice cube and run it along the skin of the submissive. Put some oils on her skin so she can smell it. Wake her and let her do something for you. Ask her for a blowjob middle of the night. But make sure to caress her to sleep after she is done.

If you see she has nightmare or bad dream, show her that you are there. Wake her. Tell her that you care. she needs to feel you. Bring her away from her bad dream. You can even spank her middle of the night. Use the flogger. Whatever you desire. Tell her that you are spanking her because she is so beatiful and you wanted just to feel Your hand on her ass. She will thank you for this and sleep like a baby afterwards.

Those ware just some ideas for the 24/7 Ds. While you sleep, you are still in a relationship. Show it and make it great. Because D is not about being average!

Be safe!

Distinct Guide