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Hetero Female Submissive, 38,  Massachusetts
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Just a place for me to journal my experiences, good, bad and indifferent.

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 DearDiary

 Submissive Female

 Massachusetts

 5' 0"

 38

 Hetero

 Caucasian

 09/28/09

 

Actively Seeking:

Friends

 Lives For:

 Bondage

 Loves:

 Anal Play

 Blindfolds

 Body Worship

 Cages

 Collars

 Corsetry

 Eye Contact Restrictions

 Gags

 Hoods

 Masks (Wearing)

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 Medical Play

 Obedience Training

 Objectification

 Outdoor Bondage

 Plastic Wrap Bondage

 Sensory Deprivation

 Spanking

 Speech Restrictions

 Stockings

 Vibrators

 Likes:

 Begging

 Cane / Crop Discipline

 Corner Time

 Enemas

 Exhibitionism

 Leashes

 Mental Bondage

 Clothing Selection

 Rubber Fetish

 Watersports

 Tolerates:

 Breast Play

 Sensation Play

 Curious About:

 Electrical Play

 Local BDSM Community

 Fisting

 Wax Play

 Dislikes:

 Chastity

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Journal Entries:
11/10/2009 12:10:01 PM
 and so what is it i do want? it seems today has been an interesting one filled with "temptatiions".  i was contacted by a Domme that i have had such a curiosity about for a long time.i was also contacted by a playmate from many, many years ago who really wants to play again. 
     The Domme is an experience that i feel i can only get on my own.  Some time ago , i had spoken to my Sir about the possibility of me playing with her, he was not too crazy about it for his own reasons and that was the end of the discussion.  She and i have continued to chat periodically for many, many months (a year)? and i feel i know some about her.  i have never met her, but she is just drawn to me for osme reason.  i have seen pics of her, she has never seen me at all nor spoken to me.  And so.. what do i do?  It seems from various discussions i have had with this Domme and Sir that its tough to be in a session with 2 Dom(me)s... so how does a girl have an experience of being Dommed by a woman?
     In the case of the Dom, it was so long ago i don't remember much of the scene.  Seeing him again is not high on my list, so easy to dismiss.  Sir is the only Dom i really wish to serve.  
     And again i ask, what is it that i want in this.  Aside from saying everything... i think i need to ask for some space to submit to the Domme.  Do i really even need to ask to indulge?  i am not owned by him.  i am not collared to him . And so why is it that i feel that i need to seek his permission to venture out a bit? 

lots of confusion in my head..and unsure how to proceed, if at all.  Just have to wait until i can talk to him about it... its the only way it will be ok with me. 

11/9/2009 3:22:53 AM

When i first saw him my breath was gone...he was standing near our cars as i came walking back from the ladies room.  My heart was beating out of my chest, incredibly anxious feeling. What will i say and how will i say it?  What do i want anyway?  What does he want?
     We got into my car... he listened to what i had to say.  i listened to what he had to say. We talked back and forth for several hours... he was willing to take me back.  It was me who was, and still is, a little hazy about what i want . i am crazy for him, and he knows that.  There is so much in the world of BDSM that i have never been exposed to and am so curious about.  i do wonder if it is something he can give to me, or if it is something i need to find on my own. 
      We are together again and it feels good. He  makes my heart beat a little quicker when i see him. He makes me wet without even touching me. He turns me to mush when he does touche me.  He makes me wonder about myself in different ways. 


11/6/2009 6:24:36 AM

yes, we will meet shortly!  i have such nervous energy and haven't been able to eat today. 


11/6/2009 3:22:44 AM
will it really be today?  Have had no contact in days... time will tell.

11/5/2009 1:30:43 PM
well, one more day hopefully... i get butterflies when i think about it.  i have run some things thru my head many times.. i think its best to not have a plan, no script just say what i think, what i feel... 
 

11/4/2009 3:27:12 AM
slept poorly... much on my mind lately and  the one year anniversary of moms death has just added so much that i was not prepared for.  Much stems from really not knowing what i will say to my former Dom..i think about what i want to say but i am so full of emotion right now that what will be said is anyones guess.  All i know is i will speak from my heart and let that be my guide.  Hopefully we will get to talk on Friday, but time will tell. 
     i slept until about 2, then the mind was just flashing thru so many concerns: planning moms memorial, increasing work hours, taking on a new job, worrying over the girl i am orienting to our ER, BDSM and where does it fit into my life, making more of an effort with hubby, cash flow, family members who can't find work.. just goes on and on. 
   The other day at work i heard one of my coworkers make a comment about a certain nurse in our wild department, she said "so and so is so bad today that she could fuck up a wet dream !"   , i laughed so hard i thought i was going to pee myself.  Thats how i feel  at times too, especially regarding my most recent BDSM relationship.  Most of it rides on my shoulders....      

11/3/2009 10:07:05 AM

so confused about so many things... i have so many thoughts , feeling and emotions running amuck right now.  In many ways i just feel out of control ... too much stress with no outlet.  Mind is spinning about so much... i could use a very intense, rough session. 


11/3/2009 7:58:08 AM
when i think back to what was happening in my life last year at this time i get so very sad.  My mother had started that slippery slope i had spoken of to my children, rapidly declining from lung cancer.  In some ways it seems that it just happened, othertimes it seems like long ago.  i think i was just completely numb...i just dove into caring for her, keeping her comfortable and giving her all i had to give. i still have an outfit hanging on a ledge near my room that i can not take down... its comforting to me somehow.  i remember being so afraid and so scared at certain times.  my biggest fear was that i would not be enough, not strong enough to handle this intense experience.  i was no stranger to death, i have more experience in death and the dying then i care to admit.  But this was my mother, who made incredible sacrifices in her own life for her children.  The woman who encouraged all my activities, and knew of my insatiable passion for horses.  She told me numerous times to hold onto my dream, that someday i would have that horse i had been yearning for.  A few days after her divorce decree was set... i got that horse! 
     i think back on many wasted years in our relationship, so strained and troubled...
     i think back to some pretty insightful things she said to me... and think she had much moe wisdom than i ever gave her credit for.
     i think back on some of the chats we had after a glass of wine and chuckle to myself, remembering the content.
     i think back to times when i really needed her to be present for something, and she was not there.  When i really needed her, when i needed my mother to help me and get me help and she didn't.. and how i just drove myself into all that i did full force to try to forget, forget all that hurt. i buried so much for so long.. and we never opened that box.... it was unspoken.  
   i think of how the last weeks of her life, i was rarely out of her ear shot... of all her babies, it was me she wanted.. me and only me. She knew she could always count on me... i never let her down. She always thought i was super woman... she didn't realize i was still such a little girl inside... or did she?

11/1/2009 5:38:34 AM
i am worried that, although he may have time for me this week... it will be hit or miss on my end.  i am working a lot this week, and have an interview thrown in and yet another MRI to be booked.  i had such nervous anticipation, and now the reality of what the week looks like on my end aint so pretty... have to see what happens.  Timing is everything.... and so now i feel somewhat deflated about what i was hoping for. 

10/31/2009 4:55:42 AM
only Saturday...sooo many days until next week comes.  What day will he have time for me?  There are many things i hope to talk to him about.. but what will come out of my mouth?  i get so quiet when i am with him and i do hope this to be a personal meeting.  Things don't go well on this thing,  much is lost for me in the written form.  Whats the tone? Often i have felt like he "yells" thru the pc, no way to know differently... i am sure i have but one chance to say my piece and i don't want it screwed up because of the way something is written. i am not a fighter by nature, i retreat. 

Risk is life. Pain is truth. Love is all.

i saw this while looking thru a profile this morning... and it really sums up much for me.  Additionally, no one is guaranteed another day to live, it can all end so quickly and unexpectedly.  John Mayer has a wonderful song called "Say"... and i hope to be able to say all that i have been too fearful, ashamed, angry or hurt to say to him in person.  So much is bottled up... some has been able to at least find an ear on the pages of this diary.. and it has helped me to see what a mess has been created.. and i can only imagine how all of this has made my former D to feel.  i know he is not happy about these pages, but it was not meant to hurt anyone.  This was a private place for me to vent about things and question my place in this journey... this has been my perspective, my feelings and emotions as they were rolling from my head at the time... when anger dissipates and you step back and take a second look things do change sometimes. There had been many more good aspects to the relationship then bad... but i was in space where so many things seemed to be off.  i think it felt that way for him too..i had cancelled our last 2 meetings and i think that was the icing on the proverbial cake so to speak.  The words flew from there.
     SO.. yes life is a risk, and so is trying to get him to want me back... but i have to try again.  Worst case scenario is he says no... and so that is where truth is pain comes from... i won't know until i try. Love is all... i have never wanted any man as much as i want this one.  i have walked away from a couple of serious relationships  in my younger days.  i have closed the door  on this relationship a couple of times, and he has as well... the difference for me with this man is that i have a much deeper set of emotions for him. SO... in this case for me.. love is all, it really is. 

10/29/2009 10:01:39 AM
is it next week yet?

10/29/2009 4:36:46 AM
i awoke about 2am  thinking about him... the i dozed off and on for a few hours until i finally fell asleep.  The most peculiar of all dreams happened to me last night. The dream centered around BDSM, it was several people engaging in various acts in a rather dimly lit, circular room.. lots of black leather and latex, blindfolds and feathered masks.. floggers... i never had a dream like that in all these years.  It wasn't frightening, not sure if i was even doing anything in this dream... just recall seeing all sorts of people, men and women in various dress in a room. Sir was not there,  i did not recognize anyone there.   Wish i could remember more of it... i would like to return there.  It seemed like a place of calm, everyone doing their own thing.  This may be stemming from my increasing curiosity with "the scene" folks who are local to me, not sure.  i have had some desire to reach out to those more involved in BDSM.  And then i have moments in which i would like to just leave it all be and just carry on as i have, and try to ignor the need. 
     i am patiently waiting to speak with Sir next week.. it will be  a time to further reflect on what has happened, what didn't happen , think about what i want to say, how i feel, but most importantly will be what he has to say to me.  That is what i fear most... the fear of the unknown.  That fear can be wonderful in regards to BDSM play, but not so in discussion.  And especially not with he who has such a quick mind and tongue to go with it. At least i have a chance to talk to him..."no promises" he said.  So, i will try to keep my lil peabrain busy and patiently await his availability.

10/28/2009 1:41:57 PM
a glimmer of light appeared in my dark day...my heart began racing when a surprise im came..... at least i may get the chance to tell him more then "i am sorry". 

10/28/2009 1:21:33 PM
this morning i sent an email to my former D.. and as i suspected it was blocked.  Why did i even bother?  i knew in my soul he had me blocked...so why did i even try?  Because i am just crazy over him and terrible with relatiionships, especailly ones that are basically not of a face to face nature.  Very difficult to maintain something thru the typed words of a computer...

So i was pretty down today, i guess the reality of this situation has been set in stone.  Not sure why i thought it to be otherwise, just did for some odd reason.  i am an eternal optimist.. and in my line of work it is considered a strength.  But in this case, it is a terrible fault... and one i better just abandon. 

10/27/2009 1:21:34 PM
i wish i could just turn off parts of my brain....so many thoughts of him today. i fought so hard not to try to call him.. i am sure he wouldn't answer anyway.  i already know what he wouldn't /would say.. and yet i am still so wanting to call him and try again.  Why so much torment in my head for this man... one of those can't live with him, can't live without him kinda things i suppose.  Even my busy work place isn't enough to occupy my mind full enough to stop my thoughts, memories, feelings, desires... craving!  What is it i crave? 

Yesterday i was really blue, picked up my copy of The Story of O and reread many parts of it... i can understand why one of the endings for the story could have been O , sensing her Sir Stephen moving away from her, would rather die.. and that he consented to her request.  i can really understand how someone could feel that way .. but i know it will pass with time.  (at least i hope it will)

many things i wish i could "do over". like a movie playing, you see the faults and how something went or was taken or things not said and get a chance to make amends.. but this is real life, and i had many chances.  

i took him for granted on several levels... and was just sooo needy for his attention.  my bad ... my loss...  

10/26/2009 5:39:30 AM
i hope the following is right.. and thank you to the man who sent these words this morning...
Dearest, I read our journal. It touched me. Everything that doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. Let the polish gradually wear off by itself. But promise yourself that once it does, you will stop mourning. Go out and buy yourself some sexy underwear and an entirely new shade of nail polish-- a color you have never worn. When the red has totally faded, you'll be ready. 

10/26/2009 4:58:31 AM
i saw this little paragraph in someones journal this morning and about cried out..

..and then there is the one you will never forget...or want to.

The one that gets under your skin,
gets in your blood,
is always finding her way into your thoughts,
sneaks into your dreams in the oddest ways,

change the word 'her' to 'Him' and that about says it all for me today. 

part of me feels so empty without him... i have thoughts of just dropping to my knees in his presence and sobbing like the little girl i am, so apologetic and full or remorse.  Tears streaming down my face, clutching onto his leg begging for yet another chance.  The lack of attention i felt before was nothing compared to how this feels...i just miss so much of what we had.

10/24/2009 1:50:21 PM
my red toes are bare today.... and i am slow to change the last "visible" signs of him from my life... i don't want to remove the polish... i just don't.  i really am feeling that i want to beg for a last chance to prove myself to him... God.. his parting words..."don't ever contact me" are still so fresh in my mind.  Is there really harm in trying?  so much was said on both parts.... i really miss him so much.  What do i do?

10/24/2009 10:48:44 AM
i just masturbated thinking about the first few times i was with my former D... i came so hard.....

10/24/2009 10:19:00 AM
whilst thinking today about a few things and especially about how crudely that relationship ended, it dawned on me.... i do not know how to have a "fight" or disagreement with someone.  i have had occasions where i stand up for what i think is right, especially when it comes to work issues.  But, inside of any type of relationship, i don't know how to fight with someone... i hate confrontation and will just run from it.  Rather then confront an issue, i prefer to ignor it until it just grows into something i can not handle any longer... this is particularly sad because if i had just tried to really talk to my former D, this whole thing might have been able to be avoided.
     Most of our time together was spent on the pc, chatting back and forth.  Obviously we did not live together, nor did we know all that was going on in each others lives.  When email and "chattime" decreased i figured it to be somehow related to me or that he was off looking for another sub.  i didn't know he was inundated with work or that he had some new pressure to perform... i couldn't see what was happening for him nor was it communicated until close to the end of our relatiionship. So, when he slowed up  on the communication, i did the same.  It seemed through the screen of the computer that he was yelling at me, or "speaking" in a very stern tone... was he?  We just seemed to be more off then on those last few weeks.... 
     i think for the time being, i am going to end this journey into BDSM.  i will look back on what i have learned, both the good and the bad and just be satiated with that for the time being.  The parttime relationship i had really made me desire more.  More what?  More ability to safely communicate, more experiences, more confidence, more understanding of the dynamics... more of about everything.  maybe someday.... but not now.    

10/23/2009 1:29:01 PM
It used all my strength to not pick up the phone and try to talk to him today... so many times i wanted to.  i really want my daddy back.....i was such a bad, bratty girl... this just really sucks.   One doens't realize what they have until its gone... for sure.

10/23/2009 3:19:40 AM
He is still on my mind so much...wondering how he is, what is happening in his life... hoping things are goig well for him and that now he has less pressure upon him.  i see so many mistakes i made, how selfish i was in some ways .  Guilty of wanting and needing his time, and he just didn't have it to give.  The last few weeks we hardly spoke, he felt so pressured to be more productive and it really cut into our time.  It was like he just diappeared without explanation, and i started to build up resentment.  Anyway, i thought about him so much.. i was out for a long drive and he was just everywhere.  i miss him terribly...

10/20/2009 8:04:34 AM

having a chat with a former Dom today, first one i was ever with actually and he wants to rekindle what we had so many years ago.  He was very persistant and not listening to what i was telling him at all.  i ended up in tears.  Why?

Is it because i felt he was not hearing me?  because i really am not ready  to move on from my former Dom?   frustration? aggravation??  who knows...all i know is i left the conversation mad with him.  We had great chemistry all those years ago...


10/20/2009 4:17:13 AM

today i will get back to the gym...no classes just back to the way i use to train... weights and cardio.  Part of my issue with Sir wanting to introduce another was the dissatisfaction i have with my physique, self esteem is not so great and then to see all the connections he started making with so many girls in their late teens and early to mid 20's just pushed me over the edge. 
Exercise for me has to be a huge priority, i just function better if i have the stress outlet and adrenaline rush.  And i want to feel proud of my body before i present myself to another.. its just how i am.  i want the muscle definition i once had and the flat, flat belly... and its certainly attainable, i am not that far off the mark.  


10/19/2009 11:59:30 AM
Sir liked the nails to be red... and i kept them red for him with rare exception.  There is no longer red on my hands... the toes are still red but not really visible, so an afterthought for the most part. This morning while ordering breakfast, they had a Greek omelet on the menu... and of course anything Greek makes me think of him. The thoughts are pleasant ones really, there is no anger and the tears don't fall.  It needed to end for both of us. 

They say when one door closes another opens, and i do believe that to be true.  A conversation began today with someone who has the same ideas in BDSM that i do.  Sensual, tactile, lots of touching and kissing.. very nice to speak with.  i must have asked him about four differnt times if he was for real.. the whole chat just seemed too perfect.  i am cautiously optimistic about this man, but he seems interesting, interested and willing to go slow with me.    He has captured my mind... will the rest follow?

It is a bit scary to think of being with someone else.. but i know He has the same feelings as He lost his sub  a few months back .  Baby steps...

10/19/2009 9:14:47 AM
while driving back this morning from taking our son back to college the foliage really caught my eye.  The leaves were gorgeous, changing of colors... gorgeous shades of yellow, orange and red... all lined the road.  i could have just stopped and eyed the landscape for quite some time being lost in the sheer beauty of it.  Season is definitely changing... i think there are a great many other changes on the horizon besides color changes.

10/19/2009 3:55:27 AM
so many mixed feelings...awoke several times in the night remembering some very hot times. And then would think about how insensitive he could be, something i doubt he was even cognizant of.   i know i will have thoughts like this for quite some time....

10/17/2009 6:03:51 AM
He visits when i sleep... when i am out ordering dinner... working in the kitchen...scurrying about my place of work.  i see his angry words, hear his grumbles in my ear after a job well done...his soft hands, deep eyes... <sigh>  

10/16/2009 3:02:35 AM
 surprisingly i slept pretty well... of course my last thoughts before nodding out where of him.  i think its a natural process we all go thru when we experience a loss like this, what should or could i have done differently blah blah blah.  And there are several things on both ends that could have been different, however, its a done deal.  Regrets?  of course but none the less i don't think i am in any rush to be getting back up on a horse anytime soon.

10/15/2009 12:26:11 PM
The problem with IM and email is that it leaves a lot of room for misinterpretation so issues that require a more personal touch should not be dealt with in that medium,
taken from the profile of MasterAramis... i have said the same thing over and over again.  Hard way to try to manage a relationship on a friggen computer screen.

10/15/2009 8:35:08 AM
The man i have written about has imed me some this morning, feels this journal is misleading about many things.  i reminded him that these are my perceptions.  Of course there are 2 sides to every story, and we all believe what we want to believe.
     So.... to start, when i first met him it was in an aol chat room many moons ago.  i was married at the time, and still am.  He was divorced and into the more public scene.  We used to chat, did so for quite some time before we ever had any physical contact.  He showed me the impliments he owned, what they were for the sensations etc... taught me about safety, things about my body i didn't know.  We were friends before anything else...

He said to me this morning that he thinks his marriage (recently has remarried) has somehow played a part in my thinking.  Not really sure why he would think that because i have told him on a few occasions that we could not be 24/7, we are very different people and come from 2 very different worlds. And i am afterall  still married.  Yes i have contemplated leaving the marriage a few times, but not for him.  If i was to resign myself to divorce it would be for me....not anyone else.  The reason i stay?  Mostly for my son, he is a very sensitive kid, very family oriented and loving.  The one person in the world that i really feel love from...i just am not williing to chance driving a wedge between us.  And it just occurred to me as i wrote that sentence... that it would be far worse for him to find out that i had been cheating then for me to just come clean and state i am unhappy in this situation.  More pondering to do....

The marriage is far from perfect, but it appears that way outwardly.  My husband is just not affectionate at all. He is pretty stoic, he can be quite playful at times when really provoked. i am a very tactile, sensate person and i need to feel anothers touch, whether its caressing or a spanking... of all things its somethiing i really yearn for.  He is a workaholic, and that is when we are best together.. when we have a project going on that we actually work on together.  And now as empty nesters, our differences are so much more evident... 

To the Dom who wrote:

Re: Your post. Any Dom that reacts that way out of anger is not in control of themselves, and should not attempt to control another.
Very big red flag. 

i thank you for your comment .  While his words fly quickly and  sharp, he never punished me in anger... he always had control.  He is not a monster, otherwise i would not have been with him for so long. 
And to the steak comment... he was dining with a friend who picked up the tab.  ;)

10/15/2009 6:52:14 AM
and here almost an hour later and the tears are still just streamiing down my face. Why?  because i failed?  dashed expectations?  miscommunication?  being spoken to so harshly?  he said he didn't care several times in the dialogue, and i doubt that to be true.  i know he cared, he is just wildly upset right now. i do hope much of what he said was out of anger... but as i have said before, we never really kow what someone else is really thinking.
   i know how i feel , and its not a happy place for me right now. 

10/15/2009 6:23:44 AM
I looked at that jouranl even though i didnt want to...the no intercourse rulle  was never violated and I dont know if you wrote it or not
 and i dont care..


this is how things ended this morning.... we ended the relationship.  Words were spoken that i never thought i would hear from him... but its said.  he is pissed, said some pretty horrible things.  i read those words and jut cried.. i am no match for him, wouldn't even try.  i told him about the journal and the entries because he really has no idea how hurt i have been in this for quite some time... so he did read the journal.  And he wanted to be clear with me that the no intercourse rule had not been broken with his former sub.  and so, the beginning of this entry are his pasted words to me.
     And now that things have come to an end with that relatiionship i need to cleanse all of the anger and upset out of my system. 
     i felt so mortified when i knew he sent X rated pics of my genitals to a young sub that he didn't know, i never asked him about it... just let him guide us through the process.  
     How cheap or worthless i felt when he had told me that  he feasted on a $200 steak at a local casino , and we again had another outdoor session in the woods. 
     How invisible i felt as he would talk so much about his wife and her work and how she just seemed to be so brilliant , in our after time.
     And now in all of his anger, how  much he has hurt with his words: fuck you, go to hell, i have lost all respect for you, dysfunctional, screwed up ... more then i can even remember.  i just went numb.  i was sitting here very calm, kind of expecting the firestorm that he threw at me to come, just not knowiing how ferocious the attack would be.  i hope this will be the last time i cry over this man, and i stilll do think he is great.  Just not the right Dom for me, nor i the right sub for him.
 

10/14/2009 6:27:08 AM
let me address first the concept of CONSENT. Consent is not something that is debated at every turn. It is given once and only after trust and thought have gone into it. Period. After that, all is left to the Dominant. No challenging his decisions. You have given control and that is that. Withdraw your consent and the relationship is at a end
     My mind keeps returning to these very words as i read in a Doms profile...consent, trust, no challenging, trust, trust and again...trust.
     Why does it seem so difficult for me? 

10/13/2009 4:55:55 AM
i have received lots of advice and information from other Doms on this site, and i greatly appreciate all i have received.  i am very appreciative of their time.
It seems that all Doms just as all subs are not created equally... Sir is ingraved in my head, he invades my mind when i least expect it.  As i go about the day things remind me of him.  As one Dom said, just give yourself over to him completely and stop worrying.  you either trust him to do good or you don't.   Ah, that lil word trust again.  i do have issues with trust for sure.  Men in my life have hurt me, molested me, raped me, lied to me and left for another, i am a mere object and that is how i am treated... i should be accustomed to that so why not just give completely of myself and stop all the worries and insecurities.
i think because this man is different on so many levels, and i really do care so much for him.

10/6/2009 8:19:46 AM
seems we can't even have a conversation....
today i feel like we just can't even chat on this thing without something going wrong.  i left here in tears, what am i crying for? 
i reread some old letters, lots of bantering back and forth over communication styles and my inability to pick up on his cues or process things that are said from his perspective.  i need to not only read the words but see the person, i pick up on more body language and subtle cues i guess.
i have been able too answer all my own questions and ponder my thoughts and feelings over and over... things in the relationship are not how i expected them to be on one level, nor do i believe they are were Sir wants them to be either.  And yet, over and over again we have disagreements and i am left feeling so terrible.
i think we are just not meant to be.... sad as it sounds right now.  i am always wrong, always.
failure, sad, confused, tired, worried,

i want to be owned yes, but i also think it should be a happy relationship for us both... and this one certainly is not.

10/6/2009 5:45:01 AM
Do we ever really know what another is thinking?  Do we know what makes them tick?  Sir is complicated... sometimes i think he is really being honest with me and i so want to believe him... then i see that he says one thing but is writing another to potential others.
   i often wonder if i was to ask permission to play elsewhere what his reaction would be? what would the limitations be on the play if any?  Would he even care that i might be interested in play with another?    Do i dare even ask these things? 

10/6/2009 3:33:22 AM
been a few days since i have written... have met with Sir once and was prepared to end the relationship or at least ask to change it so He could have his young ones without me having to be present.  i went to the meeting with a huge chip on my shoulder, cold... i was angry and determined.  and so what happened?  He just turned me into mush, again reassured me and so.... onward we go.  i am going to put my journey in his hands, and his alone and see what happens.   How i feel is unimportant, what i desire does not matter... it is for Sir.  His desires and pleasures are all that matters...

9/30/2009 3:09:20 AM
Such conflicted thoughts of this powerful man.  Part of me craves his attention, his touch, his words... he makes me feel wanted, desired , almost beautiful.  Another part of me is so threatened by his desire to add to us that i am sickened. Sickened by the thoughts that i am not enough, wondering how i could tolerate him being with another...

   So, part of me thinks i should hang in there, give it a try... maybe he is trustworthy after all.  Another part of me wants to build a wall, try to distance myself and protect myself from the whole thing.  His happiness is imperative, and not a thing i wish to interfer with, however, if he is making me miserable at the same time why would i bother?
   Do Doms do this sort of thing out of selfishness or do they do it to test the submission of their partner.  And if it is known that the subbie is pulling back to protect themself, would he continue down the path to satisfy his hunger for whatever he is hungry for at the time?
   Is a submissive really suppose to be ok with this?  Where should the line be drawn?  i doubt i would be a bad submissive if i was to have made it a hard limit to begin with, can i add that now?
   Thoughts for me to ponder today... 

9/29/2009 2:52:53 AM
slept so poorly, consumed by thoughts of what i should do.. how should i do it.  i am tired of crying so much.  And what am i crying for anyway?   

9/28/2009 9:12:52 AM

 why am i so weak when it comes to him?  All he has to do is make his presence known and the heart starts to beat so quickly... i start to melt.  And at the same time i know i need to get out .
   i would not be able to sit by and watch Sir toying with some sweet young thing, it would crush me beyond words.

   A Dom friend told me i am naturally submissive with slave tendencies... if he is right, why do i feel so upset about the changes that look to be inevitable?  Perhaps its best to just open the relationship and not have to be subject to the play. Just let him do whatever he feels he needs to be happy and contented. 


9/28/2009 6:57:52 AM
  First time for everything they say... have not jotted down thoughts and feelings in years.

  i know the relationship is wrong for both of us, but it seems to fill a deep seated need for each of us.  i have fallen for him, and how.  Thoughts of him are with me day in and out.  i wonder how he has managed to grab hold of me so firmly in my mind, and now my heart....
   He is not the handsomest thing to walk the plant, nor always the nicest.. smart beyond words and hence, there is the draw i think.  He is a master of words, and seems to be able to sway ones thinking without even trying.  i feel stupid in his presence, not worthy of his attentiono and just feel that i am not enough for him.... why else would he desire to add to our two-some?
   He says it is because He wants to watch my face and body, see my reactions and conflicted thoughts about what is happening to me on a sexual level.  So, if this is about me, and him wanting to control my sexual responses why does he peruse, write and favoritize young submissives in their late teens and early 20's?  Ah, those darn insecurities keep coming through. 
   He has tried to ease my concerns, urges me to trust, and so why can't i? i think it stems from a chat we had long ago in which he was openly playing with another sub, with the limit set between he and his collared sub at the time of no intercourse.  At some point in time, He decided he was going to do whatever he wanted and then told his collared sub that he indeed had intercourse with this sub.  If he did that to her, he most surely could do that to me, right?
   Sometimes i don't even think i am submissive, jealousy and thoughts of him interacting , touching others makes me crazy... it really is bothersome to me. Maybe i am just a kinky girl. Maybe i am   just not of the right mindset for such an undertaking.  It seems its usually the Doms looking to add to the couple, rarely the other way around.  We have so little time together as it is, that the thought of sharing my time with him and another woman (girl)is not a happy thought.
   Is it better to just sit and try so hard to be obedient at the risk of developing resentments?  Is it better to suggest an open relationship so he can get his needs filled by these other subbies?  i recognize we both have very different fantasies and would like to live them out... are we better to do that on our own instead of together?  RavenMuse gave some great insight into poly relationships in a post i read today....this is just really frightening to me.
   i just need a safe place to write about how i feel, Sir seems to take everything and twist it around and make me seem to be the bad girl all the time... i am not bad, just a fool in love with someone i can't have.  Why did i fall for this guy?  He makes me crazy on so many wave lengths. 


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