Self Discovery


                Every now and then just when you think you have life planned, something comes a long that takes you off guard and causes you to search in side your self. During the searching you discover what you thought you wanted was merely a mask to keep the reality of what you long for from showing to the world, but more importantly you hid it even from your self.

Perhaps, it is fear of the unknown. Perhaps it is the fear that to find what you truly want you have to bear your soul to something and trust them to treat it like china.  Perhaps it is the fear of trusting again. Perhaps it is simple fear of letting someone close enough to actually hurt you.

     Perhaps this fear is because you have spent years building walls to keep others out. You have been hurt; you have been drug through the mud and left for dead at the side of the road. However, you didn’t die, you survived the hurt and you redirected your life in the direction you thought you wanted. You went in a direction you thought would make you happy. And you believed you were happy.

            You believed you were happy alone. You longed for a friend, but you would stop it at that. You were happy, content, you wanted to be alone. Being alone meant no one would harm you. You were happy not letting them close enough to actually cause pain. You were alone in the world and you liked it that way. After all you were happy on your chosen road. Or at least you have yourself convinced you were happy.

                  You presented yourself as one way to the world, and even you believed it was who and what you were. You were strong, independent and some would even say distant with your own emotions. You listened to others when they cried, you felt for them, you gave them a shoulder when needed and you even helped when you could. You did so because you had redefined yourself in order to ensure no one ever had the power to make you weep for them. And you were happy in this role, forever the friend, yet no one’s friend when you needed a shoulder. You didn’t need a shoulder. You were strong and alone and happy.

                  Then something happens and you are stopped and must face the reality. You were not happy. You had convinced yourself of a false reality. You worked long hours. You filled your time with work and study. You got involved in projects that would keep you from thinking of yourself and your needs. You did this because you needed nothing you could not give your self. After all depending on others always leads to heart ache. You have been there and damn well are not going to go again.

                 So, you stop and you look inside. You spend time thinking and letting your self feel again. The ice begins to thaw, the heart you have ignored you listen to. At first your mind argues it. You fight it with everything you have. The fear of being hurt drives you to not accept it. Then a hand caresses you, a soft voice comforts you, a shoulder is offered, a hand out of the darkness is given. Your mind screams to not take it. To do so will only lead to heart ache. Yet, your heart screams to take the hand. It is a need of your inner self. A need ignored for to long. Your false realty crumbles as you reach for the hand and cling for dear life.

                  As the hand pulls you closer, to wrap you in an embrace, a comfort you longed for and didn’t know it. A reality you thought was for others, never yourself, suddenly screams to be lived. Yet you are scared, as you step into a role you have never considered, because do to so meant you trusted enough to let another take the lead. You trusted enough to follow. Yet the role feels as if it was what you always dreamed it would be. It is a piece of you that truly encompasses your true self. The true self you had kept from the world. The true self you would not share with anyone, the risk to great to your heart.  You pull slightly from the embrace, not to escape it but to look up into the warmest eyes you have ever had the privilege to stare into. In that stare you realize you have found home. You have found yourself and what you long for.

                  In those eyes you want to share all life has, you want to see the dreams of both of you become reality. You want to work to make them reality with him And you find you want to make dreams together, to make memories together. You want to laugh, play, talk, and share. You find in those eyes a person who accepts you, faults and all. He hasn’t run with others would have been long gone. He guided gently yet firmly. And you found yourself happy to follow. You hand him that which you clung to so tightly, control. With that control, you offered your heart, your life, your body, mind and spirit.

                  You have been told by others then when you give yourself to another’s control it is like a flower blooming in the summer sun. It is fragile, yet strong. You understand now what they mean. You feel fragile, this acceptance of who you are is a path never truly walked before, yet you are still strong. Strong enough to give everything you have, to give to him and him alone the control. You are strong enough to trust, to love, to serve his demands willingly and happily.

                  You hunger for his touch, you long to see his smile. You need his embrace like a body needs air. The mere sound of his voice can cause all a days problems to cease and bring a smile to your lips. When he called you his submissive, you discover it was what you have hungered for, longed for and dreamed of. The reality you truly wanted is there in his eyes.

       I believe all relationships must begin with friendship first, however at times we cling to tightly to needing friends we overlook what our hearts are telling us, believing it is only a friendship. Sometimes it takes getting hit in the face with the reality of something to stop and look at the truth.

        While friendship is a must, at times we overlook the true debth of emotions we feel for that person. Perhaps it is a fear of getting hurt again, or even the fear of losing that friendship if the romantic relationship just doesn't work. For me I believe it may have been a combination of all of those and more.

        I stopped a few days ago and looked at what was before me. I let down the walls around my heart and I listened to it for the first time in a long long time. Granted what I was missing had to be pointed out to me but once it was I listened. Then I took the leap and decided to follow it to see where the road leads us.

        I would be lying if I am not frightened, as i do not want to be hurt again and this person has the real power to hurt me. Yet at the same time I am excited both mentally, physically and spirtually in a way I have not been in a long time. To be honest I truely did not believe that one person would stir within me all that has been by just one. And if anyone had told me the possiblity of that person exsisiting and being a Dominant on top of it all I would have called you a lier. But low and behold this person who was until recently just a friend is indeed Dominant and I am content and happy within the confines of his control. (To those who know me Yes I said that and I mean it, if you don't believe me call and I will tell you or come over and I will tell you). In other words, my heart is his to do with as he sees fit, and I am trusting him enough to have control of that part of me I was sure wasn't able to be controlled.

          This is a man, whom when I am stressed has listened and offered advice, often letting me make the final decission in how to handle what is causing the stress. Yet when needed will pull my chain until I do the right thing.

         If I needed to do work for school after a very hard day at work, he invited me over, fed me dinner, kissed my cheek and in his deep voice pointed at that laptop and said WORK. He then went to another room and checked on me to ensure I was doing the homework. If he had needs or wants that evening he put them second and placed my homework before them.

        He encourages me dreams as no one in my entire life ever has. In return I find myself excited in his dreams as well. I find I want to stand beside him, encourage him and do all I can to help his dreams become reality. Another thing I did not believe I had within me. I was chasing my dreams and they were all that mattered in my eyes.

        Yet now I find my dreams are just as important to me as they always were, but now so are his. I want to see his business seceed as that is not only his dream now. I want to see his contentment when his dreams become reality, the happiness it creates in him and the pride in being able to say he made it. I have no doubt in my mind he will and be the best of what he does. Simply because knowing him I know he will not settle for less out of himself.

         He survived the attack from my 19 year old daughter and I believe they are developing a friendship. After last night as she was curled up in pain and I was taking her to the hospital she muttered, I like him, he makes you and me laugh. (Never thought I would see that one she doesn't like anyone)

           He called this morning to see who she was after her trip to the hospital, and told me last night he was keeping the phone next to his bed and to call him if I needed him. In other words my worry over her was shared by him. And trust me she tried to get him to run and when he didn't her mind changed. Anyone who can survive one of her attacks and not run for the hills, is someone special. She just needed to point that out to me. So thanks kiddo, though I doubt you will ever read this.

         He does not ask for anything that he is not willing to give. So yes ladies a Dominant man does exsist who understands sometimes he has to give too. WOW! Amazing. He is truely a Gift from the Heavens in my eyes.

        Here is a person who knows when to wipe my tears without being asked, or to bring me to tears when that is what I need. He knows when I just need to vent and listens. Or he knows at times when I am done venting I don't have the answer and am looking for one.
He has guided me onto a path I truely did not think I would ever walk down, yet I find myself following him and know there is no where I would not go with him or go where he asked me to go.

        We can talk for hours, and I find myself happy, we can just be in the same room and be silent and I find myself stealing glances just to ensure he is real. I will reach for him in a light touch or a hand on some part of him because I need to touch him.

         Yet in doing all this I swore it was just friendship. We were friends, we had fun together, we were there for each other. Then the blinders came off and I realized he was more to me than a friend. He is what I was seeking for a long long time. He is the man I thought didn't exsist.

        He whispered something to me this weekend during a time I am not sure if others heard, but I did and I heard it with more than just my ears. My heart felt it, my soul soared and everything around me stopped and disappeared for that briefest moment in time as I dared to hear those words I was terrrified of hearing. At those words come from his lips, and the rest of the world disappeared, I felt something within me I have never in my life felt before, I felt wanted, but more imporantly needed, I felt I was a friend, but his lover and more importantly I felt as if I belonged finally, and it was him I belonged to.

       In that moment after he whispered what He did, I am unsure if my emotions allowed me to respond as my heart was screaming to reveal itself to him as well. My emotions may have been so stimulated I was unable to verbalize the words that wanted to to come out.
So if I was unable to verbalize them then I will now.

 Thank you Love, and I love you.

          I look forward to this journey we are embarking on, and do know in my heart where ever it leads us, it all began as a friendship, and that is something that will never go away, but the building upon it is what forever is all about. So for a change I am choosing to think along those lines and to see where it goes, and I can't wait to go there with you.