I think there are a lot of people who really doesn't know what is communication art or probably don't know how to respect other people.  

- I don't care what you want 

- If you are not my friend then I don't care what you think 

- you are slave or submissive guy and so what ? Do i have to run to you ? 

- I am not nanny .. Don't be needy 

It always depend how anyone want to see and define things. 

I am not a big fan of vanilla relationship as I always find out It confuse me in the end. 

I think maybe my life would be easier in other universe. Maybe in other universe I can totally be myself ? I want to slap someone who show up late, I want to yelling at someone when they don't please me. etc etc 

It turn me on and excite when I know that other is about suffering from me. I don't mean it just for physical pain..It even better if I know they willing to do just to make me happy.. 

Finding the right one & be nasty... Be evil is the best !

I wonder If anyone ever experienced when someone hate and love you at the same time ?

by the way since i am on this website there might be some people that wondering about me as i said on profile that this is my lifestyle So I don't just interesting about anyone because they just said "I am slave bla bla "and wanted  to contact me, explain about  looking for someone to give you more experience ,listen !  I am not a Nanny ,this is not offering service profile,it not my responsibility to make slave dream come true  ... so think before to write me something.

but anyway interesting topic or intellectual or appropriate friendly contact always welcome :)

I spend time log in and out just to write the new journal but seem like i have never finish but anyway it is something that i really wonder, base from my experience.

 In general i find out that my naturally dominate side growing strong with the relationship or when i bond to someone when it make me more emotional more than just a kink scene. for example like my casual partner in the past there is not much relationship involve so i really don't care anything, I don't want to know his life or anything at all i just enjoy, abuse , and mold him like he just somethings .i just feel great to let my dark side out that  is it and somehow i feel a little bit empty after all excitement has gone ,to be honest that feeling only last for few hours then i realize that i need something better than this. 

 but just 2 times since i start this lifestyle that i do it in term of d/s relationship.I found out that  it very different,It way too far than just a physical things or s&m activity but  even things go quite slow on the build up relationship process like trust and then possessive and then desire of dominant will just show up strong and seem hard to fade away which i really don't know how to explain with a word but unfortunately if i can't feel that i will start the distance in my mind and then my feeling become dull and no longer want it  which also i don't know how to explain but i guess this is a reason why i can't considering to do this as a job because for me i don't have this special things with anyone.

 I guess In term of d/s relationship it always complicated in many aspect rather than just combination of s&m ,vanilla or kink  but i also find out that in the end it worth and that why i want to make my effort for that. I am not sure if i will had someone that really understand me under this  circumstance but just hopefully :)

As much as  i like fantasy as well as real role play,that both things are important portion but one things difficult is how to turn fantasy to real and make a great combination.I guess i am about to find out :)getting closer to my S&M romance journey...

            Trust issue it quite big issue ,It  doesn't matter if it just vanilla or D/s ,especially  for my condition if i want to trust someone it mean ,hard working,lot of devotion,lot of scarified till i find there is no suspicious and per harp till slave has nothing left , I looking for more than just simple trust, imagine that slave turn over and give up all their rights then in relationship safe word wouldn't be necessary anymore?  .. I am not gonna say that it easy but  it always worth earn i quite sure  ..
            But again there are many people asked me a question like why i don't want so much to own many slave my answer is " quality not quantities " I could have more than one ? more than two ? of course I can,no one would dare to stop me to do that!
            But wait ! think again is anyone would have 5 cheap cars rather than 1 sport BMW?  but under one condition that is  u can just drive it one at time ...Ta Da ..See big the picture ?
                If  ask me why ? is that mean i give up my privilege ?I don't think so, I just could not  have a deep bond relationship with a bunch of  slave, If slave do not desire or even struggle to be a little bit special for their owner.. isn't it wasting of time? .I am not look for short time kinky fun,Because there is  no desire trace,no constant passion etc. By the way when I am  in D/s relationship,the whole things  seem to become more realistic to me .And more than this  I didn't have 10 life ,unfortunately i have only one so i need quality and i don't wanna waste it :)
                Anyway It just I  want a beautiful life in my s&m romance Term,i still love the other life aspect   If  nobody understand then again " who care ?" :)

             By the way sometime It just i think that i might have found my right property that i have been looking for? so i come up and thinking about trust ,still keep considering and hopefully i can make it permanent someday, The Future always remain as mystery so I still want to know how far it can go and i would love to keep going as far as it could be.

Call me maybe "S&M romance" ...I have left the topic  that way about  as i still have no idea to continue yet but probably soon maybe romance come first and S&m after ? will see :)

          I am not looking for ordinary as i believe that i am not that type..
i guess it because of weather bringing me emotion to write my journal this way..
kinky issue is always easy to write but to express how i understand about things i see.it seem more challenge to me.and also if someone get what i mean in my message then i do sure they could find themselves the way to deserve me.
            I do believe in demanding or having power over someone. it not just a word or some kinda action like holding a whip ,wear pairs of boots ,handcuff ,or tie up ..All of it  will not enough to keep me as demanding or special person.I think it more than  telling someone to do something As human mind is more complicated than we extrapolate.
            I guess i just find the beautiful in pain and i fall into it  such as  pleasure that i watch slave in pain and slave get a pleasure in aspect of painful...  isn't beautiful ? I just think  it not just only physical play to fulfill my desire but i need in mentally to make it  even more better.
            I like to take over and see how far my slave willing to suffer and surrender to me.. maybe you call this like a naive fantasy but to me it quite realistic..
            like i say Someone only deserve me if able to understand.I have no ordinary love to offer. you got to give me all you could,you have to give me all you have inside ,keep trying ,keep finding,keep crawling and after all you will be my out of ordinary love.

I'm selfish, I'm  impatient,I'm a bitch,
I'm a tease,I'm a goddess on my knees
I'm a sinner, I do not feel ashamed When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your hell, I'm your dream I'm nothing in between
I wouldn't want it any other way as I am hard to handle.
But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me..

You only know what i want I you to..
I know everything you don't want me to..
you think your dreams are the same as mine..
.... the less I give the more I get back..
your hands can heal, your hands can bruise..
u don't have a choice, but I still choose for you..

I always will..

The truth is that we can learn to condition our minds, bodies, and emotions to link pain or pleasure to whatever we choose.

Hmm.. I am wondering if  love from me it make you feel like surgical.
How would you dissect every mistake that I make ? ..
who you're thinking of who am i ?
am i the epitome of everything that you hate and also what you desire most?
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So ..even if i treat you like animal,bite or whip you very hard for every breathe you take ..and put you close to the edge, i won't let you fall, i will rope your neck tight  and listening to your voice,watching you begging for stop over and over again..
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so here is a question..
It shouldn't hurt u to be free if It's what u really need right ?
and if it's so good to being free ,Would you mind telling me why you don't know how to do with yourself?.
p.s Don't ask me what is it about ..it 3part separate i guess

"There was a whole language that I could never make function for myself in relationship to painting and that was attitudes like tortured, struggle, pain "

            I think it also good to have Cm journal at least here is something i couldn't write it down in to my normal blog :)    "My feeling behind the close door ".. after I've chatted with someone it make me think of this..

           Anyway i try to think sometime about a reason that why somebody said to avoid a feeling maybe love or anything feeling to our slave because it easier to giving pain or torture. So I totally disagree about this idea. 

            For example s&m is part of my nature i enjoy to hurt someone so when it become slave that i have feeling for. It make thing a lot more easier for me.It giving me  thrill, excited even more pleasure because i know i have right to do and know slave willing to give up their own freedom to me and we all know this what deserve to for both side.

            Plus i can be myself without worry in my conscious for guilty to giving pain and being cruel or hurt someone that mean something to me .. it mean i extremely have unspeakable feeling. i don't see anything better than this :)having power over someone isn't it sweetest things ?

           So i would say  this is the way i express how i love and passion to someone(in D/s part) it just in a bittersweet way..maybe in vanilla term we show how we love our lover by kissing cuddling or do something nice so this is just a different way to show. unless someone like to avoid to see the pain from slave because dominate isn't happen in their real nature personality.

         Sometime i wondering why does many people don't hoping to find this experience instead of kinky  game or session play but i do respect everyone are different .. no offense :)

FYI :  apologies for my English