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| he most difficult lesson I've had to learn in life is that being truly individualistic and different isn't always a good thing. There are stereotypes of attractiveness and personality for a reason, that anything truly different and unique is viewed with fear and no matter what a person says they want in life, they will go after that which is closer to the stereotype than the unique.
And i am different. This has lead to loneliness and heart break in my life, and a terrible dichotomy when viewing my own self. I adore and explore my differences and revel in my individuality but have become unfortunately extremely adapt at hiding my inner self from people. My ability to truly trust someone to be more than just a friendly acquaintance has been terribly diminished by repeated betrayals and backstabbing. Ironically this is because for the majority of my life I trusted easily and completely and shared wholly of myself. I still consider myself to be an open book and will answer any question posed to me, but as with that social camouflage, I have found ways to hide my inner-self in words also.
Don't get me wrong, I long with every fiber in my being to be loved and accepted and understood for the fullness of who I am...I just no longer believe there is anyone that can do so. Being the sarcastic jaded stoically fatalistic type that I am, I find a personal disgust that the romantic optimist part of me continually holds a torch of hope that eventually I will find someone. And I frequently become disgusted at myself for doing terribly sappy things like reading romance books, or getting teary eyed over watching a video of someone proposing marriage on youtube.
The one thing that all of this experience has done, is given me a desire for the fun, for the pleasures of life. I find a greater and sweeter taste in the smaller things, the "stop and smell the roses" kind of things. I find a sense of true joy in experiencing what so often is overlooked. People watching, conversations, sunrises, the delicate taste of a good drink, even food has taken on a different set of pleasures. In many ways this has enhanced my appreciation for kink. I appreciate the feel of a woman's skin more, the delicate staccato of high heels as she walks, the breathy moans of pleasure or pain. I appreciate the simple gestures of affection more, even just the casual brushes of a hand on the arm from a friend gives greater warmth.
Purely kink wise, i have a love for rope, for floggers, and for rhythmic caning. its not about the pain, not about the agony, or the sadism, tho i am that. With me, its about the entire scene. Its about the slow build up, the light touches that turn more firm, the sting that walks the edge of true pain. Dancing along the line of the warm endorphin surge and not pushing beyond. Building up the sensitivity, tuning up the body, tweaking, touching, pushing for more sensation, wavering between pleasure of the orgasm, and the pains given, mixing them carefully, but always pushing, building a wave, a crescendo so that both sensations twine into one greater sensation that sends the mind beyond reason, beyond thought, into the pure ecstasy of instinctual reaction and pure open action. And at the end, to leave her quivering, unable to stand, unable to think, unable to talk, overwhelmed, and to just breathe.
Briggs-Myers: intj
Hallmarks of the INTJ include independence of thought and a desire for efficiency. They work best when given autonomy and creative freedom. They harbor an innate desire to express themselves by conceptualizing their own intellectual designs. They have a talent for analyzing and formulating complex theories. INTJs are generally well-suited for occupations within academia, research, consulting, management, science, engineering, and law. They are often acutely aware of their own knowledge and abilities?as well as their limitations and what theydon't know (a quality that tends to distinguish them from INTPs). INTJs thus develop a strong confidence in their ability and talents, making them natural leaders.In forming relationships, INTJs tend to seek out others with similar character traits and ideologies. Agreement on theoretical concepts is an important aspect of their relationships. By nature INTJs can be demanding in their expectations, and approach relationships in a rational manner. As a result, INTJs may not always respond to a spontaneous infatuation but wait for a mate who better fits their set criteria. They tend to be stable, reliable, and dedicated. Harmony in relationships and home life tends to be extremely important to them. They generally withhold strong emotion and do not like to waste time with what they consider irrational social rituals. This may cause non-INTJs to perceive them as distant and reserved; nevertheless, INTJs are usually very loyal partners who are prepared to commit substantial energy and time into a relationship to make it work.As mates, INTJs want harmony and order in the home and in relationships. The most independent of all types,[13] INTJs trust their intuition when choosing friends and mates?even in spite of contradictory evidence or pressure from others. The emotions of an INTJ are hard to read, and neither male nor female INTJs are apt to express emotional reactions. At times, INTJs seem cold, reserved, and unresponsive, while in fact they are almost hypersensitive to signals of rejection from those they care for. In social situations, INTJs may also be unresponsive and may neglect small rituals designed to put others at ease. For example, INTJs may communicate that idle dialogue such as small talk is a waste of time. This may create the impression that the INTJ is in a hurry?an impression that is not always intended. In their interpersonal relationships, INTJs are usually better in a working situation than in a recreational situation.
Enneagram: 5
Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism, and isolation. At their Best: visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way.Basic Fear: Being useless, helpless, or incapableBasic Desire: To be capable and competentEnneagram Five with a Four-Wing: "The Iconoclast"Enneagram Five with a Six-Wing: "The Problem Solver"Key Motivations: Want to possess knowledge, to understand the environment, to have everything figured out as a way of defending the self from threats from the environment
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