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I am absolutely not into online anything. Nor will I beg or bow or curtsy or kneel or use a title until we meet. I am all about the real life. I am not playing about this. Meeting is essential to the process. I am a physical person. Online holds no appeal for me. Giving up any of the things listed above can only be for one person. I hope you realize this is not meant as an insult or a challenge. It is simply who I am. Additionally, until we meet and have established some sort of "relationship", I am simply a person, a female person, with whom you are chatting or meeting. I am not your sub or slave or girlfriend. I am a human being, who is female. Therefore, do try to treat me as such. I honestly will appreciate it.
I also prefer men who are taller and smarter than me. And that are weight and height synchronized. Many think this is insulting; it is not. Just as many don't like red haired women, I, too, have my preferences. I don't feel the need to reach out and insult men who don't like red hair. Do try and not reach out to me and tell me I can't have my preferences. Height and weight proportionate is a must.
I want to be challenged and pushed physically, mentally and emotionally. I appreciate and need quiet self-confidence, a knowledge of bdsm and what one likes, intelligence, a sense of humor, and a man who moves through life with wit and skill.
I am unquestioningly alpha in my vanilla world. I would have it no other way. I like making decisions and being in charge....Until I am with my partner. And then he is in charge. And what a wonderful sense of relief that is. To know someone is in charge and caring. Taking just as good of care of me as I do of him.
My interests are much broader than whether I like a flogger better than a cane (I do). I am a hidden intellectual and like a good mindfuck as much as the other kind (OK, maybe not quite as much, but awfully close!) See, in addition to being a tiny bit of an exhibitionist, I like good wine and food, cooking and movies, books and British shows. And yes, like a great multitude of Americans, I am a sucker for Irish, British and Scottish accents.
Oddly, on the fantasy spectrum, I don't seem to have a set store of them lying about, though the rape thing would be fun. UPDATE:I just discovered that apparently I do have some fantasies involving humiliation and mindfucks. They are much more extensive than I had ever imagined. But who wants to tell all right away?? Mostly my fantasies are more practical and revolve around actually finding the dominant to my submissive self and being pushed to be as close to perfect as I can be for him. And yes, there are all kinds of kinky things that go with it but they are encapsulated within that desire.
I have a great desire to serve which forms a void in me. It is a void that continues to go unfulfilled. I am very aware that I come across as shallow and demanding on here. But this site seems to be about playing, not finding real circumstances in which to live out what I would like to be and do. Therefore, I have matched my profile to the site. But do not be fooled. There is a great deal more to me than what it appears. I want to serve. I want to be used. I want to be held accountable. I want to be the best submissive that was ever born on this planet.
I also want a long term relationship with my eventual Dom that includes love. So...if you are of the opinion that love and bdsm can't co-survive, that is cool for you, but not so much for me. I wish you well.
Thought I was done? So did I. But then I read this incredible quote. So here it is:
"When she's abandoned her moral center and teachings...when she's cast aside her facade of propriety and lady-like demeanor...when I have so corrupted this fragile thing and brought out a writhing, mewling, bucking, wanton whore for my enjoyment and pleasure.....enticing from within this feral lioness...growling and scratching and biting...taking everything I dish out to her.....at that moment she is never more beautiful to me."
— Marquis de Sade
Ok. There you go. A wee bit about me.
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It is odd or not actually, but I increasingly find that when watching a movie or a show, especially where power is at play, I try to trace it and see where I would be attracted. Sometimes it is interesting, because sometimes when you look closely, it is not where you think it would be. |
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I am so unclear about why a Dom would feel the need to post a dick pic. Or a pic of his toys displayed. |
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Wow, I have not made an entry on here in a long time.
What happens to flirting in a kinky relationship? I adore flirting, its give and take. I don't want that to go away.
Another thought, not related at all. I love humiliation, but it is a very tricky thing with me. Name calling is not. Doing various acts is not. My sense of self is too strong. Really the only thing that can humiliate me is to beat me at something. A game, a sport, a crossword, trivia, something. It goes back to the mental connection. I so rarely lose at something that it is heartbreaking and delightful to do so. |
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Jesus, the search can be by turns agonizing and amusing. Trying to find someone on vanilla sites turns into a lesson in bdsm and the search on kinky sites turns into a reminder that I am a person not just a kink. I sometimes wish I was not kinky at all, except that all of life is better with it than without it. Sighs |
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One day, I hope I feel confident enough in a man and comfortable enough in a man to cry and be held. I have cried. Jesus, anyone with an intense scene has cried. But I mean really cried. And been held by someone who simply let you cry and held you til you stopped. And let you know they were holding you. But if not, I will most likely soldier on and not feel the lack. |
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So....very occasionally, I will send a man a message about his profile. Only the ones I think are fairly cool and I want them to succeed. They will have some major misspellings within it. I, very politely, tell them that I am not attacking or criticizing them, I just want them to be the best they can be and perhaps they might want to revisit their profile and correct a couple of misspellings. I then will see that they have viewed my profile, which is not what I had intended, but I totally get. And yet, they fail to correct their profiles, lol. How can they possibly expect a girl to be exact and perfect if they can not even use spell check when it looms its ugly head as they type??? Seriously, one can not expect, nor exact, perfection when one can not use the correct spelling and punctuation on one's own profile, lol. |
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Thoughts that have nothing to do with each other. First, thoughts about me.
I have never been kissed when someone held my face like I was the one thing on earth that he wanted or needed at that moment. Nor have I held anyone's face like that. I find that sad. (This insight is from to many rom-coms, lol.)
When I write, not on here, my real writing, stories and such, I see it in my head. I see a movie playing out. At the moment, I have written an introduction or a prologue in first person, but the second part will be third person. I have to wait to see how it plays out in my head before I can set pen to paper as they say. I need to see them march around and talk.
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This is a conversation I had with a 'gentleman' today. Haven't decided if it is more sad than funny or vice versa.
"What would you like from this Man, darlin'?"
"I have no idea yet, other than to start with a meet and greet and go from there."
"I have an idea...you only need to comply."
"?"
"Smaller things to build within...kneel where you find yourself now and pull your panties halfway down your thighs take that pic for me now."
"Nope. I don't do nude shots before I have met a person."
"You don't think I am who I say I am? So you are submissive on your own terms?"
"It has nothing to do with that. This is about me, not you. It is simply something I do not do. I am submissive with my partner. We have not met. I am just getting to know you. There is so much more to a power exchange relationship than sex. I need my mind engaged as much as my body."
"What reasoning is that which requires you to inform me of what you don't do yet seek that you'll conform to do?? Then convey a learning lesson as to what a poier exchange may or may not be? Is your mind engaged?"
"I am trying to explain myself, not give a lesson."
"Damn right you are. I will wait on my picture, pet."
"I can see that we approach this from different angles."
"Do tell."
"I am not your bottom or submissive when we have not even met, anymore than I could be your girlfriend, in the vanilla world, without meeting."
"I am a very busy Man and merely working to reveal those things I know to be real within me...I can only discern thru your reactions and response to direction at this point. In a meeting now dear...think a bit, I am waiting." (smiley face winking and blowing a kiss.)
"I, too, am busy. And find that I prefer to be taken at my word. So, there will be no picture, as previously stated. Good luck on your journey! I hope you find the girl you are looking for!!"
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Sometimes, I feel like I should simply type I am one giant need. I need to give, to serve, to please. I am so tired of men who think rough sex is any of those things. It is not. It is simply rough sex; perhaps satisfying for the moment. But empty on the view of the big picture.
Sure, I like flogging and slapping and all sorts of things and damn, I do love blindfolds.
But without my mind, without engaging my mind, you could be anybody. I could be anybody. I want more. I need more. I want a symbiosis. I want both of us to need each other. I want the sex part to be an outgrowth of the need, not the end of it. I want you to be so far into my head that I hate it. I want you to know me better than I know myself. And to use that. To mold it. To create the perfect synthesis of your needs and my needs.
Ok, I am practical and logical. I know nothing is perfect. But the striving for perfection. That is the meaning of life. At least for me. |
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After watching the documentary on the Buckley/Vidal debates in 1968, I realized some rather odd things.
I disagreed with many, nearly all of the things Buckley said. I agreed with nearly all of the things Vidal said.REWRITE: I agree with both of them. I think they both had an idea of what would make America better. It think had they not hated each other so much and love the limelight so much, they probably could have agreed on a great many things. But they were anathema to each other. They were right; things needed to and still need to change. But I digress from what is a journal post on a bdsm website, lol. So, carry on.
I found both of them riveting in their intellectual abilities, their command of the language and their ability to debate, regardless of the fact that most often it was a very personal exchange, rather than a political one.
Nonetheless, it is Buckley I am drawn to. His cool and calm exterior, his confidence in his stance, his bloodless, nearly emotionless attack is infinitely hot to me. Vidal, just as languid and patrician in his delivery, still seems to me that at home, he could be a sub or a switch. And I get the argument, yet to be made but probably will be, that at home Buckley could be just as subby. I know Doms come in a myriad of flavors and styles and more power to each of them.
I am only speaking for me and what seems to be a bit of insight into my own tastes. To think of the character that is Buckley during those debates holding me down, me kneeling in front of him, attempting to garner his approval in whatever ways he could dream up, his near disinterest in hearing me plead and moan. Jesus. Complete fantasy and hotness.
It is not that I want a Dom who is always disinterested or cold or calculating. And yet, those very attributes attract me. I seem to want someone who is better than me. Who is not swept away often by emotions and impulses and needs. And then sometimes, I want to be the catalyst that is responsible for him embracing his needs, emotions, desires and abandonment to them. I want to be the one that causes him to lose control for the moment or session or time. |
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I find it infinitely amusing when a guy immediately wants me to call him a title or begins barking out orders. You would not call someone your girlfriend who you had never met, nor would I call him my boyfriend. How much more serious is the title, "Master" or "Sir." Perhaps I take the titles too seriously, but just as I would have to earn the title of "pet" or whatever name one would wish to call me, so a man would have to earn his title.
As to orders, I mean, gee. I am not going to begin jumping through hoops for someone I don't even know. I am not a trick pony here to perform for someone's amusement. At least not at first, lol.
Cutting corners or steps has never turned out to be successful for me. And the first step seems obvious, but perhaps it is not. Talking. Meeting. Seeing how our brains work and how they work together. Sure a discussion of needs, desires and hopes is part of that. Kinks should get thrown in too. Afterall, a milk enema is not on my list and if it is on his list, probably we are not going to be a good match, lol. The same could be said of hiking and camping. If that is his thing, still not a good match if I am supposed to go with him. Now taking care of helping him pack or greeting him when he gets home from his trek with a hot shower, a warm towel and a massage....ok. That is very desirable.
The world of vanilla and kink has to be intertwined. They are intertwined. And to neglect either side of the equation, regardless of how heavily either side comes down for the sum, means unhappiness down the road. |
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I was into watching a lot of documentaries tonight. Richard Pryor, Robin Williams and then John Denver. It starts off with a song, sappy as hell, as most of his are and yet still...always makes me sing along with it. And the words, while sappy, are fairly expressive for a sub. And so, at the risk of being maudlin, here they are (BTW, I changed two words):
You fill up my senses
Like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again.
Come, let me love you
Let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter
Let me die in your arms
Let me kneel down before you
Let me always be with you
Come, let me love you
Come love me again.
Let me give my life to you
Come, let me love you
Come love me again.
You fill up my senses
Like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again.
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Oddly enough, I have found myself at a place where meaningless sex or playing holds little interest for me. Never thought I would be here. I mean, I think pretty much like a guy. Sex is good and necessary to keep my brain working. But meaningless sex only partially fills that void. And playing just scratches an itch. It doesn't give me what I need and yearn for. My itch is much larger and more complex. Fuck and damnation, lol.
Who would have thunk it??? |
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Two great videos that I try to watch when I find my concentration begins to center on just me.
The first is David Foster Wallace's commencement speech at Kenyon College.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfw2Qf1VfJo
This is Dan Savage's discussion of the price of admission for a relationship.
http://www.kepplerspeakers.com/2011/07/savage-love-columnist-dan-savage-on-the-price-of-admission/ |
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I hate good byes. I hate hellos. They seem so socially awkward. I hate being awkward. Or feeling awkward.
I often walk into walls and trip. I am so often caught up in what someone is saying that I fail to see what is before me. I am not sure if this is a good trait or a poor one. Just the truth. |
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I often find it exceedingly odd that as afraid of intimacy and emotion as I am, it is what I search for and long for. But then, fear is such an aphrodisiac. And within me, I absolutely know, as much as I hate to admit it, that for me to find what I am searching for, I will have to bare my soul and confront these fears.
To submit fully, I will eventually have to trust fully. I will have to take the step on the frail bridge and be willing to extend my hand to someone. And let him take me where he wills. Let him mold me and shape me. I will have to become the center of another's pleasure, pulsing to his beat. |
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I want to be told I have exceeded expectations. I want to be told I am dazzling. But only after I have really done so. I need to be told I am needed. |
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So damn. Guess another failure. Not of me. Nor him. Just a failure all round. This fucking sucks, lol. And yet, I refuse to give up. I will not settle. I can face growing old alone. I like alone often. I would just like being with someone of my persuasion more. Sighs.
Into the brink once more. Ground zero. |
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So, for the first time in a very, very long time, I stand on a precipice, looking into the abyss. I am amazed that I am willing to even open my eyes, much less look down. But this time, oddly enough, what I see is not the abyss, but a bridge. A tiny, swaying, no handrails, very scary bridge, granted, but it is there nonetheless. If I am honest with myself, which I require of me, I have already taken a few steps on the bridge. I think the bridge is hope. I am not sure. That's what happens when you fall down the rabbit hole of metaphors, lol.
It could be hope and I need courage to take it or just as easily, it could be made of courage and I must be hopeful to take it. Regardless, it seems that there is a voice, a strong, steady, encouraging voice that beckons me on. Not am impatient voice, just a constant one. And a hand held out, if I can get far enough down the bridge to take it. And I want to. I really, really want to. I am not sure I have ever wanted anything as much as I want his hand on me, holding me, settling me, leading me.
All my walls are not down. That would be impossible. But they do seem to be weakening and crumbling. And I am about as scared as I have ever been in my life. Truly, deeply frightened. I am not incapacitated by this fear. I still feel it, I just can't let it stop me. And even if I get to the end of the bridge and take his hand, I absolutely know that that will only be the first challenge. I can see the next precipice in the distance through the fog. |
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Picture me standing up in an "AA" like meeting.
Hi, I'm Dixon and I am an emotional coward.
And yet, I am stubborn and selfish enough to say I am also terribly lonely, lol. |
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I heard this today and it struck a chord.
I want someone I can be weak with.
It summed it up in a nutshell. I am always the strong one. Never flinching, always in charge, always logical and practical. Any emotions are just the fun ones.
I want someone I can breakdown to. Who breaks me down. And will be the foundation when I do. And then rebuild me. I want to feel emotionally safe. Which honestly, I have not felt in years, if ever. With anyone. |
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So, guilty pleasure revealed. I have been watching Alley McBeal. I like it, oddly enough. A quote on there, "Happy is easy. You act happy, you have it. Lonely is harder"
And yeah, she was right. |
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Tonight I had a most wonderful thing.Actually two most wonderful things.
The first was just for fun. I had a young boy pursue me. Not on here, but at a party. When one is so indoctrinated to beg for every little thing, it was nice. A nice compliment. No way it could go well, but still nice.
The second was a guy. Who seems normal. Who does want me to beg.The combination, wow. |
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Wow. Just wow. How could someone think they could just bark out orders or names and that would be cool?
Am I so wrong in thinking that we should meet and like each other in person? That the vanilla world is part of the kinky world? Are we really only what we like when we fuck?
Seriously, that is like saying that a gay man or woman is defined by the sex they have. I am more than my submission. And god, I hope you are more than your dominance. We are also people. And we have to like each other on many levels for this to work.
Playing is fun, don't get me wrong. It is awesome. But to take it to another level. Gosh darn, you have to have a lot more than you ability with a flogger, etc., etc. |
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You know, oddly enough, I want to be in love. I fucking hate saying that. I am not sure I can even begin to explain how much I don't want to say that. But I want a man who tops me, who doms me, who masters me to the point that I live for his command. That I so want to please him that when I wake up, my first thought is not how I will live my day, but how I will live my day for him. I want my first thought to be, does he want coffee and how; does he need his towel warm before he showers; what cuff links does he need laid out with what shirt and what suit.
Yes, I want to be madly in love with someone who is worried about what makes me happy, but for me to be completely fulfilled, I need that someone to give me the space to worry about them and care for them. I need to give of myself fully. To put me on the back burner. |
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So...Like nearly every submissive or bottom or slave, I tend to get focused on what I need, even while serving. I mean, granted, I am trying to give my top or Dom or Master what he needs, but do we ever really stop and just examine what that might be?
This entry is a result of watching a movie on Netflix, which I watched out of the the puerile interest in the subject matter. But I got a lot more than I signed up for. The movie, for those interested, is The Mistress.
And so....what do Doms need? What makes them tick? Not in the gosh, they like control side. But in the really what makes them tick? I examine myself all the time to see what makes me the way I am and what would make me more complete or happy.
But I kinda doubt that after a really sucky day at the office, he or she wants to try and cope with a woman or man that needs attention. And maybe a drink offered up and a foot rub will make the edge come off, it probably doesn't really get at what a Dom needs.
And I need to know that. If for no other reason than to take me out of myself and into a service mode. When for me, not having to make decisions and not having to be in charge is such a release, how do Doms find their relief? And how can I help with that?
I get that maybe being in charge of everything around them after a day spent not being able to just say something and it is done might be pleasing, they are still human and still have weaknesses. How do I address that while still making him feel powerful?
Sometimes, I think silence does it. Just fucking silent service. Anticipating needs. But I would truly appreciate any Doms or Masters or tops chiming in and giving me some insight or pointers, please. |
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First some random thoughts.
I have such a crush on hackers. The hot nerds. The super fast way they process information. The intuition that is needed to see beyond and into. The disregard for the normal and the same. Always searching for a new way in. The need to conquer.
Seemingly at odds with the other thing I adore. Suits. Perfectly tailored suits. Bespoke suits. French cuffs. Unobtrusive, but perfect cufflinks. A well fitted suit is incredible.
Back to journal, out of lust.
I guess I have never verbalized exactly what I think a great D/s relationship would be to me. Sure, I prance around it. I leave afterimages of what I want based on what I don't want or have experienced. But what I want and think it can be....
I want to know that even if I show weakness, he will not think I am weak. I want to know that even if I tell him how to hurt me, he won't. I want to know that even if I open up to him completely, he won't leave. I don't know this person; I have never met him. But I continue to entertain the idea that he is out there.
He does't want a docile creature. He doesn't mind when he sees me order the things around me. He likes knowing that with everyone other than him, I am in charge. It doesn't threaten him. He laughs and enjoys it. He doesn't want a broken woman. He wants a whole, fiery, strong woman who looks to him for relief and guidance and comfort.
I want a Dom who can touch my face tenderly, longingly, even while holding my hands painfully over my head. Who sweetly tells me the painful things he will do to me, knowing I want and need every bit of it as much as he does. He glorifies in my compliance. He loves my obedience. He knows that when everything becomes too much and all I need is to be taken out of my brain and into my body, to hit me and stroke me. To croon over me even while twisting my nipple til I whimper. And when we are finished, he ignores the fact I try to move away or say I am fine and he holds me and lets me cry or shake or whatever I may do. And he is the refuge from the world. And in him, it doesn't matter if for a brief moment I am not in charge. That I have emotions. He lets me. |
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I don't seem to have long drawn out fantasies, but occasionally something catches my ear or my eye. I have been reading a lot of erotica lately; mostly because work is so long and hard it doesn't leave me much time for anything particularly challenging in my entertainment reading. Don't get me wrong, I like erotica. The right ones can keep me at a slow simmer all day.
Things that seem to ignite my genitalia....orders and thoughts of a woman's bodies whispered in her ear. The casual and off hand manner of giving orders, such as to undress or spread your legs. The complete exposure ordered, i.e., being made to lie down or sit down on a chair and open one's legs wide and remain in that posture, is so humiliating and open.
I think this is all tied to my love of objectification and humiliation. What could signal the former so completely, while emphasizing the latter one at the same time? And orders or thoughts whispered in one's ear, rather than shouted are so compelling and intimate.
Imagine this: the submissive is on its knees, ass raised to the sky. Its head is down on the floor or bed, hands tied back to its knees. And you slowly whisper each thing you plan on doing. You caress its cheek, lovingly fondle its ass, perhaps even kiss various parts of its body, all the while whispering of pain and denial. The juxtaposition of caring and use, of softness and harshness, of knowledge of the future and yet no control over it....that is the mindfuck. That is the high. |
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I am not sure if it is the proliferation of couples out and about because the weather has finally become something that is a friend to outdoor life or just that I am less able to keep the lid on the well of loneliness that is within me, but parts of me ache. Of course there is the continuous, ongoing ache of sexual need, but there is also the barrenness within my mind of another mind touching it, taking it, molding it. My hand aches to touch another hand, a chest, wrap around a leg. My mouth feels empty.
People are always asking about my fantasies. I don't have long elaborate sexual fantasies with all kinds of accouterments of leather and bondage and whips and chains. I like, no, adore all those things. I want all those things. But my fantasy continues to center around an idea, a notion of finding the man I need to serve. It returns, time and time again, to what it would feel like to kneel to the man that held my body, my mind, my will, my devotion; that took these things from me and gave them back again renewed and focused. I dream and hope for a relationship where I felt emotionally comfortable and safe and could let out every fear, be vulnerable and know I would be supported as I fell. I fantasize about what a tremendous thing this would be and how I could devote myself to making him happy.
Yeah, so I guess not so sexy, lol. |
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My last entry got a lot of responses. Some positive, some not as much. But it garnered a lot of misunderstandings over all.
First, I am not misconstruing any type of vanilla relationship with some pie-in-the-sky not vanilla relationship. I simply don't see why one precludes or excludes the other. Jesus, don't we want both??
I had a conversation with someone today about this very thing. We were discussing the advent and onslaught of online dating. Both of us are kinky, though searching for slightly different things. He said that it seemed like a type of intimacy was formed through the saturation of knowledge about another before you even met them, skewing the organic growth of a relationship.
I agree. However, and it is a big however though not necessarily a good one, since I can't conceive of a relationship that is primarily vanilla, it is a semi-good way to weed through some things. Yes, it cuts down on the number of people I talk to and eventually see because we have to agree on somethings right away. But I agree with him that it does create a false sense of intimacy where none actually exists.
So great, I know you like ropes and paddles and blowjobs. You know I like floggers and blindfolds and humiliation. But we don't know each other. I don't know what you smell like or if you weird out in long lines or become tense when faced with an odd situation. You don't know whether I am good at business gatherings or what my favorite wine is or if I can conduct myself well at a restaurant. There are a 1000 things we don't know. It is a help and a burden.
I just want to be offered the time to get to know someone even if we play along the way. And perhaps, that is too much to ask. I am still working on this one. |
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I would like to give you a scenario.
You talk to a man. You talk a lot. You discuss all kinds of things. Things you like kinky; things you like vanilla. You cover more ground than lots of people do in weeks. You build a rapport with this person. You agree to meet. You meet. You have dinner. The chemistry is there. You spend a few hours talking more. You laugh, both of you enjoy yourselves. You get to know each other even more. It seems that perhaps there is something there. Not the end all, be all. But something. A chance.
You agree to play. Doesn't even matter if the play is good or bad. But from that moment on, the man wants nothing but play. No going dancing and increasing the slow burn. No walking around an art museum and letting the anticipation of what will occur later simmer. No walks outdoors in festivals, while you rein in what you both want, building the heat. Substitute any normal/vanilla/nonsexual activity in here. No more talk and getting to know one another.
Sure, it could be said that you shouldn't have played so soon. But often, even if one waits and doesn't play for (insert whatever period of time someone thinks is proper), it most often comes back to a complete lack of interest in anything but playing. Sighs.
Maybe in some ways my ideas and hopes are too vanilla. But I sincerely doubt that. But I refuse to play games. I refuse to not play because of some moralistic code that society has made up. I refuse to buy into the idea that if you can get the milk for free, why buy the cow. You buy the cow because then it is yours. (If I extend this metaphor too long it becomes really funny. I kinda want to just to see where I could take it.)
To me, if you have a connection and you both want to play and it seems as if the connection could go further, then why wait? And even when I wait, once I play, everything else seems to fall off the table. I realize this is not exactly a female thought. It just seem logical and practical.
Perhaps men are so one dimensional that the offer of wish fulfillment is all that there can be. I also sincerely want to doubt that. But then, I am left with no explanation other than a game is played: talking is fun but a means to an end. And if that is the case, it is so sad that I am completely unable to even articulate how it makes me feel. Not about me; about the sad state of this entire endeavor. It makes me want to punch a wall. It makes me want to roar in dissatisfaction, to throw things out the window and shake my fist in the air.
By the gods, if all I wanted to do was play, I can do that at any moment of the day or week or year. Playing is easy. |
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I am a guardedly open person with a great many people who fall between the friend/acquaintance designation. Because I work at a private club, I see many of the same people every day. And since I am in the job of hospitality, and take that word very seriously, I am frequently called upon to entertain people in various ways. This sometimes takes the tract of offering up my own stories for entertainment or listening responsively to theirs.
Often this goes to stories of online dating. Granted, very few know of my predilections for bdsm, but they do know I am searching and we can find common ground. I am always amazed at how differently we approach relationships. It is as if there is a central point and I am starting at one end and the vanilla people are starting at the other. Let me give an example. This one is interesting because it seems so completely opposite of how one would think it would work out.
I have a male friend who is searching for some one to date, eventually marry and have children with. He is younger, only 32, which may have some bearing but it still amazes me. He asked a woman out and then racked his brain to think of the perfect place. He searched online for a few days and asked all of his friends for suggestions. He had met this girl at a party and only talked for a bit. When he asked me, I simply asked if he had asked her if she had any preferences. He was astounded. He said no, that most women expected the guy to decide the whole thing and expected him to just get it right.
Now, at first that could sound all subby and dom-esque, right? But I have found that when I am going to meet someone for the first time, especially someone with the same kinky background as myself, it turns completely around. They want my input because they want me to feel comfortable. They don't have to prove they are the top or dom. That seems a much better approach. Two people working together for mutual satisfaction, even just in the choice for a first date.
Secondly, most often, when I go out with someone, we have already discussed a myriad of things. Granted, most vanilla people are not going to be quite as familiar with what their partner likes in the bedroom as we might be, but my pre-date conversations cover a large amount of material that has nothing to do with sex (or I don't meet them, lol). So a great deal of the nervousness that comes from a first date is of a different sort.
I am not sure one way is better than the other. I sometimes wish I could meet someone and get to know them BEFORE knowing he like ballgags and floggers. But if I did, how would I work the fact I like them too into the conversation? What if I found I liked him a great deal and then found out he thought the idea of dominating a woman was repulsive? Since I refuse to give this lifestyle up, I would have to give him up.
So....I guess, I just wish there was some middle road where we could learn about each other and enjoy each other at the same time we learned about each others' fantasies about control and domination, and whips and chains and ballgags and ropes.
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I am a bit amazed at my willingness and continued hopefulness for meeting new men. I would say it is because I am ridiculously optimistic, but I am not. I am irritatingly practical and logical. So there must be a deeper reason.
I have a strange affinity for romantic comedies. Strange, because it is so outside of how I live my life and my philosophy. And it is not the overall message, that love conquers all and makes all things worthwhile that intrigues me. I find it is the very small things that move me. The things I don't have and can't achieve or do on my own. A man's hand on the small of your back on the escalator. The look at a party that sums up the party's worth in an instant of understanding between you both: it is lame and you need to escape or you are both having so much fun that you wish it would not end. The moment he touches you in public and you are both reminded of what happened immediately before going out. Sure, these are vanilla things. But they are transcendent.
His hand on your back on the escalator moves to your ass and pinches you hard, knowing you can't gasp because there are a million people around you. He is still supporting you and letting you know he is there for you, but oh, so much more.
The look at the party means it is your responsibility to make the goodbyes gracefully, so he does not look bad. Or that you need to make sure he has a drink in his hand and fun people around him. And that others think how loving and giving you are and yet, none know that he commands you.
And when that moment comes where he touches you on your back, the same place he left a bruise an hour before, you get wet and thoughtful and loving all over again.
That is what I want and miss. That is what makes tears roll down my face when I watch. |
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Life is so odd. People appear in your life, for a fleeting moment. A connection is felt and as easily as rain running down a window in the spring, just as quickly fall to the ground and disappear in the flora that is reality. Who knows what might have occurred? Who knows what possibilities ended when those drops fell on the ground? |
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Is it possible to miss someone you have never met? I suppose to do so is to miss an ideal. And ideals are dangerous. Yet, yet, yet....
I do believe that romance requires a good bit of hero worship. And to me, the dom/sub relationship is romantic in a way that is not to most. That is fine with me. I do not need to be "most."
But what could possibly be more romantic than the surrender of one's secrets, one's boundaries, one's self-control? Sure, I know to some that a teddy bear with some roses signals romance. Candles on a table set for two or the sound of waves washing over rocks.
But for me, what could be more romantic than me on my knees begging to serve? What could signal romance more than begging the pleasure of touching my Dom? Of setting that table, knowing full well I would most likely not get to sit at it, but knowing how it pleased him? Knowing that the candles would likely drip hot wax on my bare flesh making me scream? Answer:
Nothing. |
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And, since so many people have asked...about the hard limit that I would not back down on...
I ask that my top/Dom communicate with me at least every couple of days, even if it is simply a text that says, "Busy. I know you are there." I had thought this was fairly minimal. I tried to make it as undemanding as possible. Low maintenance/no drama is my motto.I have no idea if this is so, nor is it important. What is important is that I cannot take less. |
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I hate emotions. I hate the depth of them. I hate how they can mar practical action. I hate how they can consume one and make daily living hard.
That being said, I do control them. I do compartmentalize them. I will not be a slave to my wants and needs.
That being said, my need for another, for another that owns me, that requires me to be my best, to give my all, the one who can be my focus is often nearly overwhelming. It is a giant emptiness within me. I want. I need. The last four words are kinda my mantra.
And yet, I refuse to be less than I am. I refuse to be unhappy. I refuse to wake up each day and not again start again. I will not falter. I will continue to be a whole person. I will continue to grab the best life has to offer. I will laugh and I will enjoy and I will be the person others rely on to make their day better. Because I can. And I can do it better than anyone on the planet. Because this is who I am. |
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Wow, long time between posts. But life happened.
So......tried to break down a couple of walls for someone. I succeeded but it was not meant to be apparently. I am happy to say I did not back down on a hard limit. And truly, if one hard limit means the relationship is off, then so be it. First time I have done that in years. I am determined not to let this put me behind on my goal to eventually be in a collar, but I kinda know that it has. The walls became a bit higher and thicker. My willingness to open up has been a bit stymied. Back to the drawing board. |
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I have realized I have a few checkpoints.
In pictures, if they are selfies taken in the bathroom, is it clean? Does it look as if it is a challenge to find running water? If they are taken in the bedroom, is the bed made? Are clothes everywhere? I mean, this is a picture one is posting on the internet to impress. If those things cannot be taken care of for a picture one hopes to "woo" another with, then how out of control or uncaring is his general life?
And if this is really about BDSM, then why show pictures of one's private parts? Size is surely no indication of one's ability or desire to dom another. Lastly, displaying one's toys only means you own them. It, as the size comment above, shows no ability, desire or creativity.
Just some thoughts. |
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If I could go back to my younger, dumber, ok not dumber just unknowing self...what I would say is, "Remember, You get to decide, you get to choose, you get to make up or decide what happens to you."
Not just in the bdsm world, which I didn't even know was out there. Granted, I did read The Story of O when I was quite young, but I thought it was fantasy. I wish I had known that I was the one with the power to choose not to have the power instead of the girl with no power. A difference that is somewhat ephemeral to many but so important overall.
Arrogance is not confidence. Mystery is not fascinating. Cockiness is not knowing.
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While I have found that I am a bit of a masochist, and I truly mean only a bit, and I love giving up control, humiliation and degradation, etc, etc, etc., I do not think that is what attracts me at the core to BDSM. It is certainly a large part of it, of course. Where else could I find these things?
But at the heart of it, at the core and root of it, is the one thing that is so hard to find and to hold...trust. At one point in history, contracts really were closed with a handshake and a verbal agreement. People took you at your word and you strove to be trusted and a person of your word. Now, we have long, verbose, intricate contracts to ensure that both parties don't find loopholes.
But, when BDSM is done right, when it is entered into with our eyes, minds and hearts open, trust is the currency that matters. You are sometimes, often, putting your life in another's hand. And sure, the ultimate power always rests with the bottom...but if you are tied up and maybe blindfolded and/or gagged, it is you who have consented to place your trust in another. How absolutely incredible is that?? Every time I play, it is pushing me up against the wall of my own denial of emotion, trust and intimacy. How can I possibly walk away from something that is so completely open when by my very nature, I am not? |
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Another question by someone has prompted another journal entry. What do I mean when I say I need, want and crave things and what are those things.
It would seem that the differences between these words are subtle but present.
Want is to feel a need or desire for something.
Need is a requirement, the lack of something
Crave slaps on a bit of urgency to the whole matter.
So, I crave fulfillment, mentally and physically and often settle for a very here and now kind of answer to the problem, one which is similar to taking over the counter drugs for a cold. Doesn't cure it, but sure as hell makes you feel a bit better.
I want a relationship that can supply me the structure and discipline I crave, that allows me the space to become the perfect submissive I want to be.
I need the right dominant to provide the guidance and tools to do the above, thus, he is the lynch-pin around which my cravings and wants circle. |
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This entry was a response to a question: What does it mean that you want to be the perfect submissive to your dominant.
Of course perfection is different things to different people and never actually achievable. However (one of my friends told me that 'however', 'yet'. 'nonetheless' and 'but' are my favorite words and not attractive in a sub, laughs), sometimes goals are not to be achieved but exist to be striven for.
Perfection would be defined by my Dominant. I would wish to become a source of peace, pleasure, solace, and use for him. I would imagine each day would require that I give of myself in different ways. Eventually, I would like to be so attuned to his needs that I could gauge them and deliver the correct response with little communication from him. I am working on anticipating needs in my vanilla and work life at this time, more closely reading body language, watching eye and face movements to fine-hone the ability.
The previous statement about little communication does not mean I don't wish to talk, have fun, laugh and share in all kinds of things with my dominant. I don't want some stern disciplinarian who never smiles or laughs. It simply means that I want to be hyper-responsive, in and out of the bedroom.
I am sure the path to achieve these goals will be fraught with lessons, both verbal and corporal and will continue for the entire existence of the relationship. But I also hope these lessons are intermingled with fun and play, enriching both our lives. |
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The more I give myself time to think about the D/s world, the world of BDSM overall, the more and more I am drawn to the 24/7 ideal. I am not sure it is possible in the way most think of it. But it seems that with work and structure, with understanding and compromises with the real world, a union could be forged out of sacrifice, pain, understanding, and pleasure that would cause a sense of wonderment to be present in some way everyday. To give myself over to the care and control of the right one, to be molded into a vessel of service and pleasure for that one, would be to reach a sort of altered consciousness. |
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Surprisingly enough, I don't need to be told what I need by people who don't even know me, which happens nearly everyday on here. How could you have any idea of what I need? Though my profile is long, it is still not me. Yes, hopefully I will eventually develop a relationship with a Dom and through that, we could explore what each of us needs to be complete, but that is surely not going to occur through a reading of my profile. It is merely a leaping off point to begin a conversation. |
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I have added one very small paragraph about what I would like to find. I could write an essay about it much easier than to sum it up so tersely, but the key word seems symbiotic. |
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I want to enter something about how I wish to serve. How that is a huge component of my desire to be with someone. But it is so rarely mentioned by anyone other than in a sexual way, that it makes me hesitant. And while that is important, there is so much more to my desire. |
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It is a bit amazing to me that some people take the time to send an email with an insult. I have a thick skin and a huge ego, so it doesn't bother me. I find it somewhat fascinating really. But some people have a thinner skin and low self-confidence and I hate that they may be receiving similar emails. What a waste of time and effort! And just to try to hurt someone. So very odd. |
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