Gentlemen,

Since you all seem to be having a difficult time with this I thought I would give you a few guidelines to make your search for your own submissive princess more successful. I am only giving you this input out of love, no one wants to see you succeed more than I do dear, so please read carefully.

#1) A submissive is not a doormat. Don’t expect me to do whatever you say when we are not in the bedroom. No I won’t clean up your apartment, no I won’t wake up at three am to fuck you, and no I will not leave work early because you can’t just jack off like everyone else does. Listen, I am totally turned on when you order me around in the bedroom, it’s totally hot. However, it is annoying in my vanilla life, I am just as busy as you are, so lay off. If I wanted that kind of subservience I would move to Saudi Arabia.

#2) Sending me an email saying you’re a Dom, doesn’t make you my Master. Seriously, if I sent you an email claiming I was a cardiologist would you let me give you an angioplasty? I am just as protective of my snatch as you are of heart. When I get an email from you immediately giving me an order to take down my ad, send you a nude picture, etc, I show it to my roommate and we laugh at what an dummie you are. My lack of reply should be an indication to you of how well this strategy works. It’s even better when you send me a second even more demanding email. Christ, it’s not working, try something else. Try slowing down, would it really kill you to have a cup of coffee to get to know me a little first.

#3) No, your friend cannot watch or join us. I don’t know your friend, and I don’t want to fuck him.

#4) NSA means NSA. I am not looking for a husband. If I were I would be married by now. If I meet you on Casual Encounters, it probably means I am not going to move in with you. Again, I have a life too. Having said that, if you would like to see me again, just ask. I might say yes if the sex was fun. Don’t send me creepy emails asking how I’m doing and don’t drive by my house seeing if I’m home. This kind of behavior makes me think I should call the sheriff to see if your address has been updated in the offender registry. Oh, and Brian, stop sending me text messages. You were a lousy lay, and you cell phone has a virus, which fucks up my phone every time you send me one of your inane messages. Go the fuck away.

#5) Don’t expect me to suck your cock without any reciprocation. No fun for my pussy means no second date for you, period. Submissives like oral sex too. Don’t get me wrong, I love sucking cock, but it is not enough to keep me interested in you for more than twenty minutes. Additionally, if I have sucked your cock for half an hour and you still refuse to cum I am throwing you out of my apartment. I don’t care if you still have a raging boner, my gay neighbor will get to enjoy watching you struggle to unlock your car with a hard on.

#6) Seriously, your friend cannot watch.

#7) Yes, we have to meet in public the first time. Also, no I won’t come to your apartment, never having met you and put on a blindfold without seeing you first. I also will not get into your car with you and let you drive me some place I’ve never been before. Safety clown says those are bad ideas. I like being tied up and fucked. I do not like being tied up, fucked, injected with drain cleaner, and strangled. I don’t know you, and you haven’t gained my trust. And yes, I want your real name, address, and phone number. I will give it to my roommate so he can check up on me if I don’t come home in time. This is common sense, and if you are a real Dom you will always put our safety first. If you don’t want to tell me your name you are hiding something and I don’t want to deal with you.

#8) Married guys, get fucking lost. Cheating on your wife leads me to believe you are a despicable piece of shit, don’t email me. Put a little effort into your marriage or get divorced.

#9) Under no circumstances will I do the We/we, D/s bullshit while we IM. I/it I/is I/inane.

#10) Enough pictures of your cocks already! Again, I just show these to my roommate for our amusement (and he’s a queer). Bonus points to all you gentlemen who send me a penis pic when you have a really small cock. Sometimes honesty is not the best policy.

#11) Again, your friend cannot watch. Who is that guy anyway? Wasn’t he in Deliverance?

#12) You may not call me bitch, slut, or whore outside the bedroom. If you do, don’t be surprised if I go nuclear on your ass. I have a name, use it. If not I might be forced to refer to you as daddy in public.

#13) If you don’t respect and like women, don’t email me. If you hate women and want a blowjob, I can hook you up with my gay roommate.

#14) If I spend two hours getting ready for our playdate I expect you to put a little effort in to getting ready as well. At least shower, no one likes that musty ball smell.

Listen, I am a nice, smart woman who just happens to like a little spanking and bondage. I am sure most of you are nice men who like the same things. I’m sure we can work this out. Post these guidelines by your computer before you answer the next ad and I’m sure it will work out for you. Happy hunting you naughty bastard.