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I'm not here to fuck people, just to surround myself with like-minded people. I've come to the conclusion that the time and place for that was a long time ago.. If you still want to know more, read on.
For the most part, I'm a pretty proud girl. Begging is fucking HARD for me. Calling someone DADDY is HARD for me. At first, anyway. I have to get into the zone, break down my walls. It takes a patience I've only known a few times. I am learning some will love this about me, while others will not. I have been shown sides of my character that surprised even myself, but people capable of that are rare.. Those people are trouble.
I know what it's like to be totally mindfucked by someone, and I guess that's what I've been missing. I've made mistakes along the way, settling for less than I know I need, giving parts of me away when I should have taken my time. I'm not doing that anymore.
I'm here to write, here to share my thoughts. I'm here to maybe make a friend or two. Don't ask me to meet you, been there done that. Done with it for now.
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I'm starting to question if I'm really supposed to be here. What used to thrill me about dominant men now just usually irritates me. Don't get me wrong, it's not all of them but my God some of you need to come back to reality.
I am by no means easy at times. Maybe that's what is expected, an easy girl who doesn't think, who just goes with the flow. It isn't me. I can't turn my brain off easily. This is not to say I can't ever, because I've done it. I've seen the transformation from bratty girl to absolute needy, begging good girl.
This isn't like riding a bike to me. It takes time, a connection. Who wants someone just anyone can have? What is special about that?
I need a lot of work, but I'm worth it. If you don't think so or don't feel like putting that work in, do me a favor and click next.
I've said before that you could paint something beautiful with all the red my soul wears, and as long as you didn't know where it came from it would remain pretty. Maybe I just need to get back to white. Wipe it all, get a fresh start. |
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Maybe we're all just a little lost. Maybe deep down there is nothing all that complicated about myself. I am a selfish, needy girl. I want too much. A normal girl would be happy with what she has. A normal girl would not ask for fire when she lacks water to keep it at bay, but here I am asking anyway.
I'm waiting to feel that melding of minds so unique it almost feels like magic. This time I am willing to be patient. Don't they say patience is a virtue? |
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leaving is not enough; you must stay gone. train your heart like a dog. change the locks even on the house he’s never visited. you lucky, lucky girl. you have an apartment just your size. a bathtub full of tea. a heart the size of Arizona, but not nearly so arid. don’t wish away your cracked past, your crooked toes, your problems are paper mache puppets you made or bought because the vendor at the market was so compelling you just had to have them. you had to have him. and you did. and now you pull down the bridge between your houses, you make him call before he visits, you take a lover for granted, you take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic. make the first bottle you consume in this place a relic. place it on whatever altar you fashion with a knife and five cranberries. don’t lose too much weight. stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge. and you are not stupid. you loved a man with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand. heart like a four-poster bed. heart like a canvas. heart leaking something so strong they can smell it in the street.
Frida Kahlo. GOD I LOVE HER. |
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