Collarspace

Dom looking for new subs.

(For now, if you want a photo of me, just ask. I uploaded a photo, but it is not showing on my profile, and I get no indication CollarSpace uploaded it. Bear with me on this until CollarSpace gets the technical issues worked out.)

What are you looking for?

Looking for a Dom? A man whom you can admire, want, and submit to? A man who encourages the best in you, applauds your accomplishments, respects you outside the bedroom even as he asks you to give yourself to him in bed? A man who takes good care of his body, his mind, and his life? A man who can wield power and responsibility?

What am I like in general? (i.e. - vanilla stuff about me)

I am nerdy, physically active (e.g. - go biking often and go to the gym 2 or 3 days per week), and well traveled. I supervise two teams of professionals at work. My favorite kinds of stories are about historical events, sci-fi what-if ideas, and ethics.

I also consider myself as idealistic but more pragmatic, curious, attentive to others, passionate, and often quiet. I have published software and peer-reviewed science articles.

When it comes to living, Id rather make my dreams happen than merely think about them. Id rather gain new experiences instead of just talk about them.I am not perfect, but at least I can own my flaws, work on them with the intent to transform myself into a better version of me.

I secretly try to pass myself off as mundane when my reality is anything but. -)

At work, I lead two teams and mentor entry level employees. One of my favorite reasons to lead is to nurture others. In my current job, just as in previous jobs, I enjoy leading and mentoring others. There are many reasons leadership appeals to me. A sense of accomplishment. A chance to do things the right way rather than putting up with others telling me to do things the wrong way. More control over my job. An opportunity to help others start their careers. A chance to train new employees on how to avoid bad bosses. A chance to train them to communicate well. A means by which I can encourage entry level programmers to follow best practices.

I founded and led two student organizations in college, was an administrator of 3 open source projects, and led community organizations. Each time I led, I enjoyed the experience. Each time, I treated those under me well when they worked hard for me.

I teach my employees to stand up to me, to call me on my mistakes, and assert themselves. I teach them to do all that in a professional manner. But they still know who leads and who makes the decisions.

Leadership for me does not mean domination. Many people conflate the two, and so the world is filled with people who wish to control others. For me, leadership is by example. Leadership is for benevolence. It is a means to inspire, to encourage the best in others, and a means to bring about a better work environment.

Several of my employees said they like working for me because even though I am strict about how things are done, I am also clear about what I expect. Being a good boss means providing clarity and honesty and integrity. During my recent peance review, the director said my entire team loves working for me even though I expect a lot from them. I trained my entire team, taught them business ethics, and communication skills. I love to lead and organize people.

What am I looking for?

Mostly I am looking for experienced subs who wish to play and new subs who wish to be trained. I am would like to become friends with other Doms so we can compare notes as Doms and learn from each other. If you want to be just friends, thats also welcome. I am open to a play partner or friend becoming a long-term romantic relationship, but I dont go into training or friendships or play partnerships looking for that.

I want you to submit to me, but I will not treat you like a doormat. I will treasure your submission to me and not squander it. I will earn your trust as your Dom, and you will need to earn my trust my sub(s). I will value your thoughts, feelings, and contributions, and I will encourage you to become your best self - full of confidence and competence. I will expect direct, open, and honest communication on any topic, and I will give that to you as well. You should also be able to articulate your emotions and express them in healthy ways.

Whether among vanilla friends or among kinky friends, I will treat you with respect and not humiliate you. Among Ds and kinky friends, my leadership role will be more obvious. I will teach you to obey certain hand signals and glances when in public.

Through training, you should grow to understand yourself more, acquire greater control over your desires and impulses, and more capable of any task assigned to you.

What kind of subs do I like?Service subs who enjoy giving because they care about their partners. Curious subs who want to explore a Ds relationship, orjust want to explore a few kinky fantasies in a safe manner. I especially like women who have powerful roles in public asbusiness owners, managers, and leaders, but choose to submit to an effective Dom because they enjoy how he treats them. I alsolike the quiet, shy, or demure subs who want a Dom to encourage them to grow.

There are some subs and bottoms that like to be taken care of, and some who like to give care. I can handle either, but prefer my partners to be the latter.

What am I not like as Dom?I dont own subs I train or play with, but I am willing to own subs that choose to share their lives with me fulltime. I dont degrade or break down subs. (I am more interested in building them up and encouraging them to become their best selves.) I dont play games or humiliate subs. (I can do humiliation play and some s of hard pain, but only after negotiating it with a sub, and only if she asks for it.) I am not a sadist, but I do inflict pain if I know a sub enjoys that.

What am I like in a relationship?

I dont have any long-term partners now, but I have been in a long-term live-in triad with two bi women.Although it did not last, it was a wonderful experience. Ilearned a lot about how to communicate with intimate partners. I learned what matters to me in a long-term relationship,what I want, and what I dont want. Any future long-term partners will benefit from what I learned in this relationship.

Ive also been in open relationships, and been part of intimate networks with friends. If the right lady (or ladies) enter my life, I am open to dating and perhaps another long term relationship. Until that happens, I am available to train service subs. After that happens, I might still want to train other subs occasionally.

I only have open relationships. If my partner(s) want other partner(s), thats great and I prefer to negotiate boundaries and expectations regarding open relationships. If my partner(s) choose me as their only partner, thats fine as long as they know I will be poly.

Ifwhen I get into another full-time live-in relationship, I will train my sub(s) to submit to me in the bedroom, but eventhen I will respect their autonomy.

If I want a sub to stay with me, my policy is to conduct my behavior so staying with me is always a healthier andhappier option for her than leaving.

I have experience with Ds relationships.

What happens if we break up?

If we choose to end our relationship, I want the decision to be mutualafter we try to renegotiate our relationship. If we still choose to end our relationship, lets call it a transition to friendship r

11/1/2014 10:22:42 AM: What am I like as a Dom when training a sub?When I train subs, being a Dom is something I do in private, and does not extend to other parts of her life. I say that because I will respect the autonomy of my subs. In private, I tell subs what I want them to do, but in public, I respect their right to choose their own paths. I won't make decisions for anybody except myself. There are some Tops and Doms who like to take, and some who like to give. The takers are the kind that take pleasure from others, but don't give any in return. I'm the kind that likes to give and give and give and still be in charge, and get lots of pleasure in return. I believe in providing good physical and emotional after care once a play scene is done. I will check with my sub(s) about their comfort, what they liked about the play we did, and what did not work for them. Over the last 2 years, I have been friends with several sub women, most of whom were already very experienced as subs. I trained two to be pleasure subs, but only when when we played together. When I train them for a few weeks to a few months, I emphasize that I don't own them, and they don't owe me anything they don't want to give me. But I am willing to push their limits to encourage them to grow. If you want me to own you, then you must choose to share your life with me full time. I currently have two play partners - both submissive bi women - I see once per week. My play partners are good friends with each other as well as with me. If you want to be with me, you need to be okay with me having partners besides you. If you want to contact friends, current subs, or former subs of mine, let me know. Several have agreed to answer what you want to know about me. You may ask them what I am like as friend, play partner, or Dom. I fulfilled fantasies for several subs as gifts to them. Each gift lasted a few hours and helped them try out a deep fantasy of theirs in a safe environment. I am merely training them in what I know about Dom/sub service relationships. When a former sub tells me she is happy and healthy in another relationships, I smile. I smile not just because I am happy for her, but also since I like knowing that I trained her to ask for what makes her happy in a relationship. I encourage my subs to become their best selves. To develop their communication skills not just for me, but for them. To develop their capacity for empathy and compassion. When it comes to sex, I like being a Top/Dom. I can also play as equals, and sometimes want that, but lately, I find being in charge is more arousing for me. I have tried bottom and sub roles during sex, but I did not get aroused in this role. I trained submissive women on how to ask for what they want in relationship, how to negotiate their power, and how to recognize healthy Dom/sub relationships. I have even trained other Doms on how to do rope play and blindfold play safely with their subs. If somebody submits to me, they put their safety in my hands, and they put their arousal at my control. To be an effective and safe Dom, I have to earn their trust and be comfortable taking on the responsibility for their safety. I have told subs their safety was more important to me than a scene, more important than my pleasure, and even more important than my friendship with them.I enjoy training women to be good subs even if we're just friends and we both know the most intimate we could ever become is just friends with benefits. I like the sense of being in charge that comes with Topping and Domming. I get to employ my creativity in coming up with scenes for my subs and with their consent, I get to act out those scenes. It's a wonderful feeling to take an idea from conception to planning to becoming a real live fantasy, and I thank my subs for making my fantasies happen. I like the sense of power I have as a Top, and that sense gets multiplied as a Dom. I love the nurturing role I take on at work, and the nurturing role I have as a Dom. Being a Top seems to be about just being in the scene with little affect outside the bedroom. Being a Dom allows me to nurture outside the bedroom and inside as well. As a Dom, I make myself more responsible for my sub than a Top is responsible for a bottom. I like using my power responsibly. That seems to suit my conscience, my values, and my desire for leadership. Being a Dom gives me chance to grow in competence, grow in control over my life, and grow in skill. Being a Dom is more than just being a Top on steroids. A Top can be somebody who is only in control in the bedroom. A Dom requires more skill, more knowledge, more self-control, and more passion than merely being in charge in the bedroom. Being a good Dom requires better understanding of myself and my partner(s) than merely being a Top. It's all too easy to be a bully-Dom or a control-freak Dom or a entitlement-Dom. It's much harder to be a Dom that leads by example, by empathy, and by excellence. That's the kind of Dom I want to become. One that inspires.

11/1/2014 10:21:36 AM: How do I train to emphasize physical and emotional safety? I am an experienced Dom/Top. I have trained both subs and other Doms on rope safety, healthy communication, and relationship dynamics. I trained other Doms on how to train their subs. When I discuss D/s relationships with other Doms, I emphasize respect for their sub's boundaries. We talk about establishing nonverbal safe words as well as verbal ones. (e.g. - If she is gagged, she still needs a way to say 'yellow' and 'red'.) I explain that for me, safety means not just safer sex issues, but also the safety of working with ropes, blindfolds, and harnesses. If I blindfold a sub and restrict her motions, I make myself responsible for her safety, and a good Dom will earn the trust needed for that safety. I showed other Doms how I tie leashes and harnesses so a sub can release herself quickly. I tell subs their safety is important that if they want to test whether I am paying attention, they can try a safeword on me. Their peace of mind matters to me. Once we agreed to how I would play out the scene, I followed the plan exactly. I don't change plans in mid-scene without going over it with subs in my care. If a sub consents to one action, and you do something else, you might end going past a sub's boundaries or comfort zone without consent. If I need to stop a scene or leave it temporarily to deal with my own safety, I tell the sub(s) what I am doing and why, and either release them first, or ask a friend to step in.

11/1/2014 10:20:10 AM: Some thoughts on subs and power: When I start a new relationship with a sub, I tell her that even though I am a top, and she is a sub, she has power. She has the power to choose whether she wants me as a Dom. She has the power to tell me what kind of relationship she wants. Her ultimate power is to say 'no' and end the relationship. Many people in both the vanilla and kinky worlds speak as if they have little to no power in a relationship, because they can't always get what they want. The truth is that everyone has a lot of power. Even subs, bottoms, and slaves have power. You always have the power to ask for what you want in a relationship. You always have the power to tell people when they knowingly or unknowingly crossed a boundary. You always have the power to say your boundaries and issues and say you want those respected. There are some Doms and masters that say there no safewords, subs should have no limits, Doms have all the power, and subs should respect the Doms. This person is not a Dom, this person is somebody who doesn't respect others. You always have the power to say 'No' and walk away. If anybody repeatedly crosses your boundaries, you don't have to stay with that person. This power is the ultimate ability of anybody in a relationship, and nothing can trump that power. You always have the power to describe your emotions even if you don't understand why you experience them. You always have the power to forgive somebody who broke your trust if you choose. Any person worth your respect should earn your forgiveness and re-earn your trust. You always have the power to teach somebody how to relate to you and how to please you. There is reason why I tell my new subs to top-from-the-bottom the first few times I am with them so they can teach me their bodies, their comfort zones, and their desires. Once I know what they want, topping them becomes a joy.