Where is this going to go? I wish I knew. It makes me feel scared. I’m almost afraid to find out what I am capable of enjoying. Although I wouldn’t and couldn’t give it up yet. The journey….I am a little scared but so looking forward to the journey.

I think I’m starting to get the hang of this a bit more. I wonder if submission is really for me though. Seems I’m too independent to me. I wonder about those that are willing to give up their all and surrender themselves to another person completely. It seems completely foreign to me. But I have always had a problem with thinking that I know best and wanting to be in charge and make the decisions. Perhaps that is part of the beauty of surrendering yourself to another. I can’t help but feel it’s exciting and arousing but am fearful of losing myself along the way.

I am starting to think that maybe I am pretty vanilla with just a bit of kink thrown in. It seems the ideal world to me to have an equal compatable relationship with someone and then in the bedroom only be as submissive as you dare.

The other problem I have is with the concept of being hurt and humiliated. That really doesn’t turn me on at all. Well, to be perfectly honest, I do like just a little pain. But it has always been self administered and very, very mild, and of course stopping the moment I want it to. I find being humiliated really personally abhorent.

I wish that I could find someone perfectly safe to explore all of this with. Someone nonjudgemental and completely sane and safe, but willing to test my boundaries and always be willing to not go farther than I am comfortable with. I wish that I could see what it is like without committing to this path. I think that I would probably be really lacking as a submissive but I still wish I could find out for sure.

So far the things that really seem to arouse me seem very tame after what I’ve looked at. I like breast play, clothespins, masks, ass play, orgasm control sounds interesting but I don’t know if I could do it and I am interested in a bit of light bondage and spanking. Bondage scares me though-I think it goes back to the loss of control, or giving yourself completely into someone else’s care.

Well if nothing else, this has surely been an education for me. I never knew. But now that I do know, can I go back to pretending that I am still in the dark? Do I owe it to myself to at least find out how I really feel? Not sure but leaning this way. I suppose ignorance was bliss but it sure was mind numbingly dull.

What do you want from me? Do I please you? Do I shock you? Do you think I am way too kinky for you? I freak myself out with my self doubts sometimes. I wish I could tell you what I really think sometimes, but that time is not yet. Those are the deepest darkest secret places in me and they aren’t coming out for awhile. In the meantime I hope that I please you. You please me and I find that I please myself these days, so I hope that is enough for now. Oh my, this is so delightfully bad, bad, bad

When does the wanting, the needing end? Who the Hell am I? I’m not the loving mother, the sweet nurse , the nice customer. That always thought I was…I am this fucking, sucking whore who only wants her man to fuck her and suck her and dominate her.

The wanting. The needing. You fill me up and I feel complete and sated, then it begins again. You are not a man, you’re a powerful intoxicating drug and I am completely in your thrall. Where is that vanilla woman I’ve known so long? Now all I can think of is fucking you and sucking that gorgeous cock of yours. I suspect I never was completely vanilla. I just didn’t know it. And now that I know all I want is to do your bidding and to please you because I know pleasing you leads full circle back to my own pleasure.