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| Well, that was a short lived deal..... Time will tell what will happen... Just doing me right now
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I do have to love, going through hell and then finding out even more stuff... maybe the way i reacted wasn't the way i should have, i probably could have handled it a lot better, probably could have and should have talked it out, perhaps there was a way.... i dont know any more... i am just a wreck with everything... i know i picked up my phone a few times today to text him, but put it down, not feeling right about it.. not yet.
There is a part of me that wants to be angry, to be hurt, upset and mad... but im not... yes, i am hurt by it, but i fully accept it and respect it.. i want him happy, and that will never change.. and i know, we will always be friends... and for me, i'd rather that, then to lose him
He will always be on my mind |
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Well, finally good to be able to get outside and get some work done.. It's sad that the person that was supposed to take care of some of the work has not even had the mindset to even contact me or my mom to let us know what was going on (though, i am actually rather glad that he flaked out for certain reasons).. i know we've had a bunch of rain, so it has made some of the work harder, but with the good weather right now, he is just a punk ass.. maybe he got a head on and figured it best not to.. hmm... oh well, i am not going to stress about it.
It's nice to be able to get outside, the fresh air was great, it helped clear my mind of a lot of stuff that's been going on.. Nothing like just putting in the ear phones and cranking up the music and going to town.... two more days i should be able to do this... i know that my body is screaming right now from doing such.. but, it will love me afterwards.
It's strange, my mind is normally all over the place thinking of a million things, and then, sometimes, nothing at all... there is no rhyme or reason to it, and there is no controlling it, and it gets so frustrating... but these last few days, i really haven't been thinking all too much, just the normal basic things.. There are times, i truly miss just sitting there, having the twisted deviant thoughts, thinking of the things yet to come, things that Master and i have talked about and what to expect... but when its in one of those "blank" stages, its disheartening at times, because i feel like i may be letting him down that i'm not thinking of him or of something i probably should be.. I know in the end, deep down, I am not, but i can't still help but have that little voice in the back of my head telling me otherwise....... bad voice...... Lol. |
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Well, Wednesdays' journal is late, but Master got warning that it would be.. Had to deal with helping mom with something, and i really didn't want to hear the fighting any more.. she well... mother will be mother.
Today was a busy day actually, migraine was finally dulled to a simple headache so it was managable. Dealt with shopping, and have a good planned lined up for things that need to be done in the next week.. Now, just to keep the thoughts and motivation to get it done, and i surely don't want to face any more punishments.
I sit here, thinking.. I've been in the life for awhile now, on and off at least.. And even when not able to see my Master, i get more from him, then from people i was with for longer, and even with 24/7... I can't help but think of how things are going to be once that time comes... It will be something like i've never felt before, and it does scare me, but at the same time, i am very anxious for it...
It's well past when i should be in bed, so, time to finish one last thing up and crawl into bed.... |
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I just can't win for trying, or for losing right now. Nothing like feeling like crap, feeling like *bleep* and just feeling that nothing i am doing is right, or good enough... And its worse when you aren't even being told that, it's just a feeling that is rushing through me.
Sitting here, trying to write this, my temperament for journals is starting to decline, the fact that i can't seem to get them in on time, the fact that with day number two of a migraine hitting me, having made me miss two days worth, and knowing that i have the punishment coming for such.. it sucks... but, such is the life of a slave.. one pain is never better than another, though, may be greater... who knows at this point.
Maybe one of these days, being able to sit and write my thoughts and feelings out will get easier, but i don't feel or see it getting that way, maybe i will be able to get them in on time and not get punished.... all these maybe's..... never fun |
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Today was another boring day, not sure what is going on with my body, but i am sorta fed up with it, always being tired... Pretty crappy when i didn't manage to fall asleep til after 7 this morning, tossing and turning, the nightmares returning so it made it hard. And then, my sleep wasn't that steady... so that threw me off... was up long enough to deal with something to eat and mom, and then i ended up going back to bed... didn't realize it and when i woke up, its well, really late... and i am sure, there will a punishment, because it is rather late.. as much as i hate the though, nothing i can do..
Am hoping, here soon things will start looking up, have plenty of things that need to get done, and i don't want to let my Master down.. i want to be the best for him... it is amazing that i have something to strive for, and things just feel right.. its a feeling, that i haven't felt in awhile... sometimes i have the need to pinch myself because it surely isn't feel real |
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Well, if those punishments from last night weren't bad enough, after writing what i did, because i came without permission, i ended up getting 5 more swats each cheek, and this time, i had to video it.... so, for me, that was a double punishment, when in reality it wasn't, but for me, that's how it felt. I just hate pictures and video.. but, i know with him, he's going to push me past those thoughts, because, after all, it is about what he wants.
Today was just a dreary day, found myself sleeping for a good portion of it, and am still tired.. i hate these feelings... am hoping, now that thanksgiving is over, that i will be able to get back on track and the feelings and moods get better... only time will tell |
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There is nothing like laying in bed, realizing that you forgot to do the daily journal, and then dreading the next day, knowing that there is going to be a punishment coming... nothing like 6 swats on each ass cheek for forgetting.. and then, on top of that, getting another.... TEN.. on each cheek for talking down about my self... needless to say, my ass is a little tender, and it isn't fun to try to sit... guess i am making up for lost time. Like i said to my Master, i think my middle is, or at least, should be punishment.. Never fun.. But, hopefully, like he is saying or hoping too, i will learn and the old and bad habits will be broken... my fingers are crossed for that, but just not holding my breath.
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Slow days can be a drag.. Not being able to spend much time with my owner are never fun either, but it is the nature of the beast, and i fully understand that, been down the road before so i am well aware.. The one good thing, less of a risk of getting myself in trouble... LOL. Guess that can be a good thing.. So, just take the good with the bad.
This change of weather, is never pleasant, though, with our weather now, anything is possible..
These next few days, is going to be hard.. Trying to keep positive thoughts is always important, but i never look forward to these days.... oh well |
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Those moments and days when you are so sleep deprived, or at least, feel it, that you sleep more in one day then you are awake... Not sure if that's a good thing or bad... But am hoping its good and things will return to normal again... Never fun |
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Those long days, trying to keep busy to keep the mind distracted from stuff going on, that you push yourself too hard to where when you sit down to relax and end up passing out cause you are so tired... But least things are getting caught up.. Still have so much to do, and the weather is starting to change, just hope that i can get it all done.. I know that I have been missing my Master lately... but it's one of those things.. can't always be together, can't always be talking... those quiet times is good for both of us... Just makes me anxious for the next moment.. I know, that there isn't a moment that goes by that i am not thinking of him...... Time for me to head back to sleep.... |
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Lesson learned...... No matter what is going on, never hide it from Master, not even for a night or day... Those walls have to come down, those barriers.. That rawness... Even when i feel i need the night to be able to quell the thoughts, calm the mind.. it is wrong.. i need to let him know, as soon as possible... and the swats on the ass tonight, is a clear reminder of such... 6 per cheek.... at this rate, i feel that my ass is going to become like shoe leather and nice and hard..... ooops. did i say that out loud... hehe |
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Today was a rather quiet day... tired for the most of it and did a lot of sleeping.. not sure if it was because i was just so relaxed after taking the time with my Master yesterday that we had, or just lack of sleep finally catching up.. Either way, quiet day or not, it was a peaceful day..
With each passing day, the reality of ownership is becoming more apparent... truly finding that happiness that has been lost.... |
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Hmm, what to write... For starters, my ass is on fire, to the point of having issues sitting down. Think this is the most my ass has been spanked for punishment in a very long time.... 25 smacks per cheek..... talk about pain... At least, for someone that isn't used to it.
It is hard for me to truly believe, that in such a short time, things have unfolded and transpired like they have.. not sure if it is just the connection, or if it is the fact that he actually has the control over me that i have been yearning for.. this new path is surely going to be interesting... i know i am in for a roller coaster of a ride, and i honestly hope that he is in for the journey as well.
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