Maybe this is something every newbee submisive should know before jumping in any king of relationship.
The folowing article is not mie, and i am not taking credit for it. You can find in in http://Leatherandroses.com
So here goes :
Dominance, what is it really? What makes you Dominant? Looking from the outside at a BDSM-relationship, it seems like you’re Dominant when you decide what your sub is going to eat for dinner, what clothes he/she wears, what he/she does during the day or night. You’re not asking any questions, you give instructions, for you are Dominant, and so you are the one in charge.
Looking at your relationship that way is quit shortsighted. You will never become really close to one another acting like that. Sure, you’ll have a clear differ in power, but is it really what you’re looking for? The power of a Dominant is just the cover, the packing. It can be a very important ingredient of your relationship, but at itself it won’t give you enough carrying capacity for your relationship.
I can hear your thoughts: yeah sure, take a hike! But let me explain what I mean with those words. Imagine: you see a slim woman wearing a super tight, sexy latex dress. Put that same super tight, sexy latex dress on a woman weighting over 200 pounds. What makes the look? You still see the outside, which is the super tight, sexy latex dress, but the contents make you look twice or the other way.
Keep this image in mind and let’s go back to Domination. The instructions you as a Dominant give, the rigour; it’s all outside, comparative to the super tight, sexy latex dress. But it’s the content that really matters; what makes you look twice or the other way. The packing itself is nothing more than a bit of rubber containing much air.
Dominance in a BDSM-relationship goes a lot further than the packing. Giving self-centred instructions is called arrogance, not Dominance. It will make your sub react like: Who do you think you are, telling me what to do? We shall see whether I’ll do it or not! I guess that’s not the reaction you’d love to see. Maybe your sub will do as you say, just because he/she want it him/herself, or he/she just wants to obey. But it won’t last forever, because the reason why your sub responds has nothing to do with you.
Your relationship will get more intense when you really are interested in your partner; when you find out what your partner thinks, feels, wants, not wants or not (yet) able to try. Get to know your partner to the bone, so that you can see and know what he/she feels even with your eyes closed. If you are able to tell and feel what your sub wants, you can start to play with this information. Your sub gives you a package filled with information, from which you pick whatever you like at that moment to play with. The way you play is comparable to the super tight, sexy latex dress I mentioned before. But what you do settles your Dominance. Your sub will feel respected, your interest; it will strengthen the trust he/she got in you.
With the information you gathered this way, you can play; you can manipulate him/her, push his/her limits or let him/her step over them. That’s different from commanding or ordering, though it might look the same from the outside. Okay, it’s intense, it requires attentiveness, flexibility and a very good communication, but it’ll pay you back. BDSM like this is an advanced way of being interested in each other, get to know each other at every level, even the deeper, to play with one another.
Believe me, this isn’t a One-Way street. You will get to know your sub, but he/she will get to know you as well. This makes your sub able to try to influence you, challenge you until you are dancing together, tasting the field of power exchange, visualising it all. That’s what lifts up Dominance from the packing look of instructing and commands.
Manipulation and mind playing is best done by heart. That’s the power of a good Dominant. I dislike the word experienced, for it’s a worthless word. Experience has nothing to do with quality. You can do something by heart, without experience, that will never be matched again. (Even Dominants can surrender, although they do it in a different way subs do.)
Another comparison: Imagine a nice piece of wood. You need some technical knowledge to shape it without damaging it, make it worthless. But technical knowledge isn’t all there is. Technical knowledge on its own will leave you with a cut piece of wood, nothing more. Imagine piece of wood, shaped by heart, with a little technical knowledge, enough to know how to handle a knife without hurting yourself, you can get a nice piece of art. It shows you worked at it by heart. Of course you will get experienced after a while, which enables you to get the best from a maimed, bent piece of wood. But it will be made by love, not by technical knowledge.
