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academic-type indie rock hipster-boy type, of the white, tousle-headed, "are you jewish?" subspecies.
not into pain, into bondage in a vague hypothetical way, but really fundamentally into humiliation; it seems to me, usually, that it is more humiliating to be exposed CHOOSING depravity and filth than to be FORCED to, although there are overlaps and sometimes the other way also sounds just lovely.
generally speaking - - - i think if i had to boil all my kinks down into something it has to do with the experience of "filth" as both a physical and conceptual thing: the indulgence of all impulses, no matter how extreme (perhaps "the more extreme the better"?) heightened by the sense of removal/escape/break from my "normal" everyday self, which is cerebral, polite, sweet, gentle and shy. i am into anything that makes me feel NOT like that person, but rather: dirty, animal, pig, slut. those are the nouns, so the verbs are: writhing, wallowing, indulging. on certain levels i don't know if this part of it is a sexual kink at all, versus a kind of liberation of the spirit or the inner child or something. i have never had a care in the world when, e.g. lying in a mud bog, slathered all over and cushioned by the sludge, looking straight up at clear blue sky and feeling all-over relaxed and free.
layered ON to that, then, is a related but i think conceptually distinct thing, which is the excitement (and this part is CERTAINLY sexual) of having that animal side "revealed" or discovered (or led/brought out of me deliberately). the exposure, the act of breaking THROUGH those walls, the gradual exposure by a smart-mouthed woman of the filthy pig that i am: ahhhhh, now that is sexual bliss.
does that make sense? basically, i like the person i am but i also get tired of being squirreled away up in my head and i want to be anchored to the world of atoms and material certainty, and there is somehow nothing more clarifying and certain than when someone tells you you are a filthy dirty nasty boy and then proves it to you....nezzie pah?
really, all this is an attempt to unite a gamut of fetishes that fundamentally encompasses (warning, slightly more graphic detail below):
- WAM (mud, pies, food and mess generally) - - - lots of experience with this through my life and it makes me laugh and smile as much as it makes me hard
- scat (worshiping/eating or alternately wallowing/covering) - - - deeper more profound hard-ons here perhaps due to heightened taboos. not as much experience with other people, although i have had a few open-minded lovers tease me brilliantly, and one Dom with whom much of the surrounding territory was explored, with incredibly drawn-out and inventive scenarios along the way, for which i am forever grateful.
- play with cum, similar to the above
- toy play of various kinds, giving up my ass and loving it. but also having things stuffed in my mouth - the raw undeniable physicality of this (the wetness of drool, the muffling of sound) once again pulling me down into the material world.
- feminization - - -this is complex since i am a feminist, so i hesitate to lump "being feminine" in as somehow depraved/dirty/wrong, right? - - and yet my limited experience tells me i DO love having on women's underwear, and the image of lipstick sometimes brushes against my imagination.
and of course, endless mileage lies in being teased about all of the above, the hinting around the edges of my "daytime" persona of what i really am, underneath...
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