exgrunt11h

The Long and winding road!

 What I have learned and what I though I knew have been reduced to dribble.
I though I knew myself, I was certain that I had finally removed my mask and faced who and what and what I truly am! How full of my self I was.

 I removed one mask only to find another. How many layers are there to this man! How little I truly know about myself. I once considered myself a reasonable man, and I am educated man in possession of advance degrees!

 I believed that I was a Dom. Only through questioning the answer did I find the truth, I am not a DOM, I have neither the stomach or temperament to be that!  Although I have always been the Alpha male in high school , College and the Military! Even now in my current position, I am in charge and make all of the major personnel decisions. It’s natural, no thought required, I just do it!

 Does this mean I am a switch? And possess the ability to transform myself with total ease and become Dominate or submissive at will!  Nope I have neither the desire or inclination to be mistreated. And I already know I would retaliate before I knew what I was doing!

 Someone told about another level that I may ascribe to. “ Sensual Dom.”  What the hell is that?? I that like a Dom on Paxil?  A sensitive man that enjoys pastel colors or a metro-sexual. I have not and will not ever get a manicure or pedi-cure

 The Beetles may have written the song but my God it feels like I am living it!

I am no longer certain whether or not this is a spiritual quest, or for simply enlightenment!

 There are days when my search reveals’ a pearl of knowledge and before my

brain can digest what I though I knew, I am blown away by another facet of the question!

No matter what the issue/topic is I always seems to be diametrically opposed to what I though I knew!

 In all of this I can only hope, I will find someone my age with enough patience and understanding to wait for me to discover what I am. Someone that will not run as I peel back another layer who and what I may be!

I had one of those nights where my dream were haunted and restless.

I thought about you a lot, and prayed even more for you and I.

Last evening, I was spent nearly a hour on the Phone with my stepdaughter

It been a very long time since we talked and laughed so much so hard. We

revisited some old memories. But after I hung up a thought occurred to me.

I was at one time Sir Galahad, with a suit of armor. I did slay dragons and

Chase monsters from underneath her bed. I realized that fathers get but

one opportunity to be the knight in shining armor. Unless they are lucky enough

to have more than one daughter.

While I am in no way old enough to be your Dad, you are at least 10 years younger

Than I.  you shared your pains, both past and present. I still cry at times, but not for a very long time. I cried when you told me about your biting, and how you endure pain,

And can control the tears. You will think me a wuss or wimp, I am willing to risk that

To tell you, how sorry I am your childhood was stolen from you.  I am sorry that you

May or may not be able to share those memories with your dad like I did with my step daughter.  I cried because his one shot at being a hero was squandered. And that his Armor is now a cloak of shame.

I am sorry that he cannot see, what I see when I look at you, the longing for a happy ending, the reassurance that all will be ok. The assurance that you will always have a safe harbor, and refuge from life’s storms.

While you have sent me private pics of yourself, I cannot and will not discard my armor.

I will not be in the line of 100 men who want to fuck you and fuck over you.  Because

I still have my armor, and my honor and a 32 Year old Daughter of still thinks her step-dad is a hero. And I am the measure by which she will measure all men that come into her life!

I want to be your friend, that will visit when you are sick, or when you need to talk.

I love to talk to you. But it needs to be different, I want you to feel safe with me. I want you to know he who you have yet to meet is still on the way. I want you to measure him

Who ever he may be, by the way I treat you!