Before my relationship with my former Master the thought of being open, needy, known and vulnerable was completely and utterly horrific. I was strong and independent. A very private person, not given to sharing my inner most feelings, even with close friends. I don’t think you’d find one who would use the words vulnerable to describe me. Then again, in a self-description the word would have been conspicuous by its very absence. So imagine my surprise when my Master told me, quite early on in our relationship, that his goal was for me to become completely dependant and vulnerable. My Master has been open and explicit in nearly all his goals for me. This one was no different.
I welcomed the idea of that complete dependence but was unsure how it would happen, if it would happen. Now, a little way down the line here I am, my Master’s slave, vulnerable, dependant and completely owned and I still have no idea how or when it happened.
My transition from novice sub to trained sub to enslaved collared pet was a speedy one. I think I both surprised and pleased my Master. I had so much to learn in such a short space of time. I honestly think most of my independence disappeared while I wasn’t looking. Even though my Master guided me through many changes, in the way I thought and the way I acted. Nothing felt wrong or out of place. It was only through reading my journal that I became aware of them. The way I thought and acted was completely different from the way I thought and acted a few short months before. I honestly thought who I am now was the person I had always been. It all felt natural and normal. My Master being the centre of my world was, well, just how it was supposed to be. On the whole my loss of independence was a passing that was neither noted nor mourned.
Then as so often happens you have an OMG moment, a moment of crystal clarity that underlines the changes and all they entail. Mine came as a result of a punishment, one that was nearly a week away. The reason for the punishment no longer matters. It is over and the lesson has been learned. Rather, it was my reaction that made me think ‘oh my god’.
Master has installed an anxiety response to underline and make tangible his displeasure and control. He can activate it and deactivate it vocally. I have to explain at this point, my Master is a psychological Master. He is very knowledgeable in his field and very, very good at it. So please be under no illusion here, just one word from my Master can reduce me to a quivering, wrenched and pitiful sight. This will only stop when I apologize, on my knees, before my Master and accept any punishment that my Master deems suitable.
This particular situation began with the activation of the anxiety response. Master left it to run for the next couple of days, then as we were to see each other the next day He told me I had experienced enough angst and could let go of it. The only problem was, I couldn’t. In my head it wasn’t dealt with. I hadn’t begged forgiveness, I hadn’t accepted punishment. The disobedience I had exhibited was so bad, in my own head, that even with my Masters permission I could not let it go.
This may not sound like a big deal. But it was what it signified that is important. My need for my Master to make it right was so strong that even with permission I could not give it up. It was then that I began to realize how vulnerable I truly was. How much I needed my Master and just how much I depended on him. This came as a bit of a shock to a once independent mother of two. When you have children you understand that their vulnerability and innocence have to be protected. You put ‘the mummy head’ on and look after your children. Now here I am, just as vulnerable as a child, only not so innocent. I am now completely, for the first time since I was a small child, dependant on another. That was the, ‘Oh my God’ moment.