Someone asked me today if I was lonely.  I answered quickly, no.  It seems that some feel that to be a fulfilled submissive, you must be collared, or the very least, partnered.

I am neither, and yet, I am happy, and fuflilled.

I watch as people jump from relationship to relationship looking for something that they can't identify, to fill a hole tha they can't define, to fix a problem with themselves they can't or won't fix alone.  Is there any wonder relationships fail so often?

A long time ago I read, if you want flowers, plant a garden, don't wait for someone to bring you a bouquet. 

I guess that is where I am right now.  I am planting my own garden.  I have issues that I have to deal with and figure out.  I have things about me that I need to work on.  I don't need some other person to do my work for me.  Plant your own garden, erin.

All that being said, if Master Right were to happen along....

When the time is right, the right person or persons will come into my life.

For now, I am off to plant some lilacs.

Online.  Offline.  Realtime. 

I recently had a conversation with (admittedly) a very young girl, who had given her submission and surrender to an online home.  According to her, they 'owned' her.  She would concede to them control of her school schedule, time spent with her parents, she would give up time she should spend doing homework, to 'serve' online.  She said that when they decided to 'sell' her, she would go to whomever they sold her to.  And here I thought the trafficing of human flesh was illegal.

I asked her, would she give her 'owners' her credit card number, her parent's phone number, a copy of the key to her home.  She said no.  She won't share her possessions, but she will give up her life.  Which really has the most value.

I get so frustrated sometimes.

Online can be extremely rewarding.  I know. I have been in an extremely rewarding online relationship.  There just are intrinsic limitations in a relationship that is online only that make it if not impossible, very very difficult to fully own someone, to achieve actual surrender.  At the very least, the lack of physical touch, physical communication is impossible.  It is such an incredible tool. 

I blame this girl, but I blame the 'owners' too.  They have some culpability.  The concept of ownership is something that shouldn't be taken lightly, and if they are telling a girl that an online collar to an online home gives them the right to get in the way of her university education, or going to visit her parents, or engaging in the normal social life a college student should partake in they should be ashamed of themselves.  That is anything but responsible ownership or otherwise.  If they are not, then letting that girl think that she  has transferred that power to them is just as wrong. 

I hope that she grows up.  I hope the 'owners' do the right thing.  I hope that pigs fly.

The issue of limits of a slave has reared its' ugly head again.  The following is my opinion, and my opinion only.  I have always said, that one of the most wonderful things about this lifestyle, for lack of a better word, is that there is no right way or wrong way, just a way, and the following is my way.

I want a no limits relationship with my Master. 

At first that sounds shockingly innocent.  Would she let him cut off her hand?  Push her off a cliff?  Limit her relationship with her family??

No, no to all of the above.

Ah, but then you have placed limits as a slave, right?  Well, not so fast.

Collars should not be begged quickly, or taken without a lot of thought and consideration.  Prior to asking for a collar, a slave or submission has the responsibility and the right to ask many many many questions.  She needs to know the man she is going to submit and surrender to inside out and backwards.  Everyman that I have begged a collar from, I have known exactly what they thought, how they thought, what they wanted from me and how they would take it.  I knew that those expectations would grow, and change.  I want a growing dynamic relationship, who doesn't?  But fundamentally, I knew each of my owners in a very very real and in depth way.  They knew me equally well. 

I knew that they would mold me, and change me.  Each of them has left their finger print on my very being, and whether or not I've been changed for the better remains to be seen.  The fact is that I have been changed.  I submitted to the process of their mastery, completely, without hesitation, or question or challenge.  

Within the confines of my collar, I gave them as much control over my life as they wished to take.

It is very easy to say, I give you total control of my life, when you know that man well enough to know he would never harm you.  You know he would never break your spirit.  YOu know he would never jeopardize any of the relationships that are important to you.  He might push your limits, and he might take you to scary places, and lead you to troubled waters, but he wouldn't ever do anything to hurt you.

Some man said to me in an email, if you are a real slave, and your Master wanted you to be a doormat, you would be one.  I was taken aback.  Why a man would want to devalue his property in such a way confused me.  I know what that would do to my sense of self worth and how that would crush my spirit.  I can't imagine being with someone that would want to do that to me. 

You see, the only thing a man can't command, no matter what, is a girl's unbridled enthusiasm and joy of service.  It is either there or not.  You crush my spirit, you let the fire in my belly go out, you can be sure that all you will have is obedience, not love and devotion.  You can't manufacture that. 

That being the case, knowing that I need to be sure that I can always be joyful in my service, eager to please, full of enthusiasm, I need to find someone who gets me, and to whom, I can confidently say, to you I surrender complete control. I trust you enough to never hurt me or harm me or misuse me.

Total power exchange within the confines of my collar.

That is what I want.

Tell me what you think...
1.  Hidden profile
2.  Multiple profiles
3.  Asking very early on about the intimate details of a girls sex life. (IE, how often to you masturbate, how often do you have sex)
4.  Refusing to continue conversations when said details aren't revealed
5.  Calling someone a coward when things don't go your way.

I think that is the top 5 ways to tell if someone is just playing and really doesn't get it.  Agree?

The next question in the book is to write a 1000 word essay on how I imagine slavery to be.

I close my eyes and a smile comes to my face, and in my little fantasy world Master comes through the door, grabs me by the collar, kisses me hard and uses me and we spend our evening in the delirium of total power exchange.  We apparently don’t need to eat or sleep or use the bathroom.  There is no room for the mundane in my fantasies.  Oh for the fantasy world to be so.  I just know better that it is not so.

Perhaps this is more realistic:

Master comes home from work and I leave what I am doing to meet him the door.  On my knees I greet him, looking up to meet his gaze.  I see into him, as he sees into me, gauging quickly from our looks what kind of day each has had.  He bends down to kiss me softly, and I say, “Welcome home, Master”.  He asks me to join him in the living room so we can talk.  I beg permission to go and check on dinner first, and he nods, and heads to sit down.  I turn the oven down, as dinner is ready, but this quiet check in time is important to us both.  I know what he likes to drink, so I fix that for him, and pour myself a diet coke, and come to join him.  I kneel before him, setting my drink aside, I offer his to him, kissing the side first, sealing my offering with the submissive gesture, then hold it up to him.  He takes a long drink and I settle onto my hip, laying my head to his knee.  We discuss our days, sharing the highlights, and lowlights.  It is important to check in, to include each other in our days.  I am eager to show him how well I have worked.  He doesn’t micro manage, but he has tasked me with being as effective and successful at work as I can be.  He knows what is expected of me there, and he is pleased to know that I continue to succeed.  I listen as he tells me of his day, asking questions so that I can better understand what he does.  I try my best to understand all he is explaining and ask for clarification when I don’t. 

He excuses me to finish preparing dinner.  I have set the table already, there is a salad waiting.  I pour refill his drink as he comes to the table and he sits down.  I serve him first, and know I have permission to prepare my plate.  I have cooked a balanced meal and presented it so it is aesthetically pleasing.    He cuts a small portion of meat from my plate and offers it to me, reminding me that all things come from him and I eat because he allows it.  I like this ritual, and the others that we have established, even in a vanilla setting it helps me remember who I am and what I am to him.  Our conversation from earlier continues.  It is good that we connect not only on a D/s level, but also as a man and a woman.  I enjoy his company.  His intellect and sense of humor are important to me.  He challenges me.

After dinner, he goes to take care of his business sitting at the computer.  I don’t ask what he is up to, he is likely paying bills.  The furrow of his brow tells me that.  I go about cleaning the kitchen, and putting things away, leaving our living space tidy and neat.  Last night we watched a movie, tonight Master seems to want to play and so I meet him in our room, where he directs the session.  I am here for his pleasure, and of course that gives me pleasure.  It seems that the more I respond, the more he responds.  It doesn’t surprise me, our relationship is very symbiotic.  We give and get from each other.    We lay together and that time after sex and play is like glue to me.  It seems that we connect and we are closer when we have had a chance to share our bodies and our minds and the mundane-ness of every day life.  We shower together, and head back to bed.   I have straightened the covers, and I have pulled them back, the lights are lo, and I curl into his arms and reflect on the day behind and the day coming.

I like that he doesn’t micromanage me.  I also like that he is aware of the minute details of my life.  I like that he has rituals and protocols that keep me in that headspace of being his property.  I like knowing that I am his alone.  His treasure to do with as he alone wishes.  I like that I am proud to be owned by him to say, yes I belong to him.  I like that I can take him home to my parents and be proud of him.  He fits my life. 

He reaches over as he falls asleep, his eyes half shut, his hand resting on the swell of my hip.  He makes me feel female, sexy sensual.  He tells me of a few tasks he wants done, a meditation to think on, a journal entry to do.  He directs me, and leads me and I follow willingly and trust him.  He tells me of something we will do this weekend, and I am afraid.  He senses my fear, and looks into me again and tells me to trust.  I do.  I trust him and I know that our hard limits are the same, and he will never harm me and the flight of nerves in my belay settles and is replaced by anticipation.  He takes me further than I can go alone.  He sees in me that which I can’t or won’t see on my own. 

Curled into his arms I fall asleep.  I feel safe.  I feel loved.  I feel owned.

I am currently reading "Becoming a Slave: The Theory & Practice of Voluntary Servitude" by Jack Rinella (Rinella editorial Services, 2005)Each chapter has after reading exercises, which require reflection and often a journal entry. I figure here is as good a space as any. I have talked to a couple other submissives that are going to purchase the book and join me on their journey. Hopefully we can support each other and grow.

The first question is to write about how I learned of slavery, how I felt about it then, how I feel about it now, and why i find it attractive. It also asks why i am reading this book, and why i want to be a slave. Here is my attempt to answer these questions:

A long time ago, back when i was married to my first husband and things were falling a part, I went to a dear friend of mine and asked him, "Why? Why is this marriage not working?" Dev had known me since we were small children, and so he knew me inside out and backwards. His answer was simple, "Because, you are a submissive and so is he, and there is a power struggle over who will take the power. Neither of you want it". He went on to explain slavery to me, and how he saw me as a submissive/slave, and how he saw the frustration in my life when that need wasn't being met. At first, I thought he'd choked on a peanut and denied his brain oxygen and he was crazy. Submissive. Slave. Bah. He saw how wary I was in regard to what he was saying, but to this day, he maintains he saw something in my eye, a flicker of interest and recognition.

I guess he was right, because the more he talked, the more I not only heard what he was saying, but I felt what he was saying. Suddenly a lot of things, stemming back to when I was a child made a lot of sense. A lot of sense. I ran home and told my husband, (with all the innocence of a newbie) you be the Master, and I'll be the slave, and we'll be fine. I was told that what I wanted was sick, twisted and perverted. I think that was the first bell in the tolling of the death of my marriage. Don't get me wrong. I didn't divorce him because of my need to be a slave, his infidelity, his inability to be responsible for his own life, his drinking and the abuse when he was drunk all led to the divorce) At any rate, that conversation was the beginnings of what will be a lifelong journey toward understanding me. At the time, I felt settled, curious, electric, scared, eager, hungry and more. Thankfully, my friend took me under his wing and was the best mentormaster I could ask for. His teaching is largely my basis for understanding slavery, and protocol.

I started reading the book because a man recommended it, and conveniantly, my friend had a copy of it. I love to read lifestyle themed books, but this one struck a chord early on, and I truly believe that if I can commit to the process of Mr. Rinella's teachings, I will learn something about myself.

Slavery now is something that I identify as who I am, not what I do. I can see the need to serve, and be pleasing is deeply rooted in my psyche. I am addicted to what I call 'slave crack', that is to hear the words,"good girl", from a dominant or Master I respect. I hunger for it. I have found lately, I am disappointed in the men that I meet because it is about play, and sex, and very little about D/s. Many men say they get that, few really do. Own my mind, then you can do what you want to my body. Please understand, BDSM or Gor, is not a pimp, I am not a whore, and the men I meet, all seem to be johns looking for the next conquest. It saddens me really.

So why stay? What is attractive? What is attractive is that I know deep inside of me, I need this. I know I can walk my path toward self understanding and self actualization alone until I find that man that I am meant to belong to, who will understand me and my desire for something more, because he'll want the same thing. It is attractive thinking that someday, someone will walk with me because he is looking to get from me what I hope to get from him. That is hot.

e.