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| Taken, but looking for companions with whom to share experiences and advice.
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Something struck me today...sure I learned it eons ago, but today it was very much reenforced: there are dominant men, and there are male Dominants.
What is the difference? As I see it, dominant men have to be in charge; either because they are always right (in their own minds), or because they feel that no one else is competent enough for them to follow. Dominant males, however, are more frequently correct because they have spent time analyzing the situation and have weighed options, and they will follow someone--if they choose--and if feel it is in the best interest of the group at large.
That may be it...typing to myself is so clarifying at times...that a Dom feels an inherent responsibility to the people around him that he feels dominant to, guiding them on those grounds, whereas a dominant male only tells people what he thinks they should do, with little or no concern for their well being and the more than immediate outcome of the venture.
Needless to say, there are more dominant males than Doms in the world...mores the pity. |
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Hunger is a beast that lives within me. Its heart pounds in time with mine. It pulses through me with every breath, invading my thoughts and dreams; burning into my mind my most earthy and base desires. Giving me tantalizing glimpses of what could be. Then suddenly, the beast begins to roar. I can feel it explode inside me in a surge of teeth and claws. My blood rushes and pounds, making my skin feel too tight, too hot, too sensitive; as if my entire body had become one raw nerve, waiting, wanting, needing to be held and caressed.
...rather melodramatic that...but waking up wanting can do that to a person... |
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Two entries within ten days...can I do that? Honestly, this entry does have a point--and it isn't to demonstrate how fluent I am at talking to myself. The point is to state, once again, to any and everyone that reads these silly things: I am in a serious relationship and do not wish to alter that fact. Truly. I do not feel the need to step out on him...my lusting for one of my best friend's girlfriend not withstanding. However, the man I have is 90% of everything I could ever wish for...why would I compromise that for anything?
Please don't write to me, or chat with me, if you are looking for a third, wanting to long-distance virtually dominate someone, or suggest you might be the perfect one for me. There is no perfect match for anyone. There are only opportunities that we can take or pass as it pleases us...and I choose to hold onto this opportunity until he no longer wants me.
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I believe that there is a bond between Dom and Sub that exists forever. The two may separate, on good terms or bad, but that link never disappears. I think this way because mine never do. My first Dom, not my first Master for those that know the story, but my first Dom is back in my life. It was an ugly, ugly parting. I stayed with him a lot longer than I should have, looking for something that wasn’t there. I did learn something though; a few somethings actually. First, love can be killed—and starving it is a long, painful way to do it. Next, stick to your principles—have limits, mark them, stand by them. Limits can be pushed, don’t break them or let them be broken. Everyone does it once (or twice, ahem), and that normally teaches them why it is a limit. Don’t stand by and let that line be crossed again and again. It is a breach of trust. Be healthy. Stand up for yourself. Along those lines; mind the line between desiring to serve and desiring to serve “Him”. That line can get very blurred if you aren’t careful. I wasn’t careful. Don’t tell me…blaming myself is a bad way to think. Yes, well. Lastly, I learned that Doms gone bad can be very, very scary. Just knowing that I might pick up the phone to hear his voice makes the muscles in my neck tense. Being in the same room with him scares me so badly that my stomach twists with nausea and I don’t eat for days afterward. Why does he scare me? Because I can’t trust him. I don’t feel that I can trust him to even follow the basic laws of humanity and not strike out at me, physically, in public. For some reason, I believe him to have the power to strip from me every ounce of joy, every modicum of delight, that I might find in the world. Honestly, don’t know why. I just know that while the bond can be a wonderful thing in a healthy, honest relationship…the flip side to that is dark and frightening. |
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Understanding. A wonderful word. A magnificent concept. Truly amazing experience...especially when it happens to someone around you.
The first time his hands tangled in my hair and forced my head into his lap was nearly ecstasy.
Now I just need to learn to read him better. Learn his language. I know how to serve him--know when he wants a drink, how to fold his clothes, what movies he likes to watch in what moods...but feel that after all this time I am still not good enough at reading his body language. I remember trying so hard at the beginning, then giving up for whatever reason. Time to start again. Time to learn what little touches set his nerve endings on fire, where to kiss to make his heart pound...
So excited...but I suppose I'm not very good at hiding it... |
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Am once again out of California. Unfortunately, the community here is much smaller, much more closed. As a stranger in a strange land, I must not give in to the urge to roll my tongue into my head and sink to the bottom of the swimming pool. Instead, I find myself finding solace with my few friends.
A precious few, who know me for what I am.
My significant other is still in the dark. It is now by his own choice, I believe. I could be wrong, I could be being selfish and self-centered. Granted, I have not come straight out and said, "I am a submissive and what I crave more than breath is for you to dominate me." As I said before, worms on table and all that. I really don't want to have to go that far...seems vulgar to me. Like it makes a mockery, a lewd obscenity, of what I am and what I need. And I do need it more every day. After books being given, letters written, emails, chats, conversations, friend's gossip...starting to be at a loss. The direct approach seems my only hope, but so harsh. And I don't have it in me, in any part of me, to try to do the dominant/switch of the ultimatum.
The cliche is that strong men and women, in high stress jobs, turn to life as a submissive as a release. I believe that the flip-side is just as true; being a submissive gives us an underlying strength and ability with people that allows us to go farther and take on more responsibility without cracking. We, as submissives, are able to bend to the extremes without breaking.
...but we need a release valve.
I believe I had a point to this rambling when I began...but it got lost in the rubble.
Does anyone have any advice on how to be tactful when sitting him down and making my point? I love him...that is never in doubt...but I need a Dom.
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Been a few months since I wrote here...as this is more for me to assure myself that life continues than for anyone that is actually reading this, I can't be too sorry.
Quite a bit has happened; most of it good. I finally got the courage together to talk to the man I have professed to love. Why it is so hard to communicate with someone I have known so well for so long, I have no idea; but it really was. Seeing him over Christmas was wonderful, but painful at the same time. Knowing that he needs a partner that is always there, knowing that I can't be, hurts. But I also know that he loves and wants me to be with him. He doesn't need me--a wonderful sign of Dominance. He enjoys me, and enjoys letting me serve him.
No, I did not totally spill the beans. Dropping that would be not unlike dropping a bucket of worms on my grandmother's dining room table--rather unnecessary. So we are easing into it...simple questions and long talks and letters.
There are a lot of people here that have helped me--either through conversations, advice, meetings, or simple notes of encouragement. Thank you all. So much. |
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Something about a waxing moon that makes me go nebulously philosophical and nearly melancholic.
I know that I am not the only one to feel this way. We, as humans, seem to strive to be individuals; and yet, even that desire to be different is common.
If we think about it, is there any act that someone has not already performed? Is there any idea that someone has not previously conceived? The law of averages rules the universe; there can only be so many variations on a theme.
Life is a circle. How big, small, diverse, common, or random, it is, I have no idea. The cliche "History repeats itself" is a cliche for a reason.
We claim, that as cognizant creatures, we are capable of learning. Why then, do we seem fated to repeat our errors over and over again? Why do we, as a species, continually fight, argue, demean, and uniformly hurt each other constantly? I have known no other species on this planet to do that.
The rising moon casts a strange light on thoughts...thoughts I know that I can't have been the only one to think. |
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Attended my first munch a few days ago. Everyone was so sweet. Being very timid in public, I was warmly welcomed. And because they understood, my silence wasn't questioned. I wasn't pressured to talk more than I was comfortable. I was allowed to simply listen.
The relief of being able to be me in public is indescribable. I can sit, quiet and motionless, for hours; and the only comment I get is a stray complimentary one. No criticism, no humilitation for not being extroverted. I did voice a problem at one point; and one of the Doms remedied it at once upon knowledge.
I had almost forgotten what life could be like. Thank you.
I will now be redoubling my efforts to talk to my S.O. and try to get him to understand.
Thank you. |
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Time marches on, and I find myself scrambling to keep up. Have asked myself more than once if I would like to live forever. So many stories you read, movies you watch; people that long for those that have passed, tire of watching the world change without them. Being insatiably curious, I believe it would be wonderful to see the world, and its people, change throughout time. And would it not be better to love those you come in contact with as fully as you could, rather than mourn them constantly and avoid all contact?
Life should be lived. All possibilities should be grabbed with both hands and explored...but, smiling, I have to caution myself. Like the game of chess (which I have yet to master), look several steps ahead. Is your next move going to cut off further progress? If you pass up that move, can you go back and make it later. Some missed opportunities can be reclaimed; others cannot.
Choosing battles is a talent in which I am still a green student. |
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So many words of advice...thank you all. Being properly trained, I will respond to each individually, it will simply take some time.
The websites offered as resources were appreciated. At least one I am very familiar with already.
Being submissive in an overly vanilla world is a challenge, but as that is the only way I have been able to live for several years, a comfortable one. My last Master was only temporary--sort of a drug fix for us both; we had both been missing it, and found the solution in each other. He was not the right Master for me, nor I the right sub for him, for a long run...but that time still makes me smile.
I have half of that now. I have the love, the servitude, the enjoyment of companionship...that's worth a lot, isn't it?
He has accepted my submissiveness outside the bedroom, but hasn't pushed it...there have been times I would swear he wanted to tell me to change my clothes or hairstyle, but refrained...but I marked it down to wishful thinking. Rightly or wrongly. Second-guessing myself is a useless game of "what-if"...but hoping...now that is a different thing altogether. |
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Was here before, but had such a hard time communicating that I was only here for companionship and friends, that I left. Am back to try again.
Presently in a vanilla relationship, trying to feel him out and bring him over to our way of thinking. It is a slow (very slow) process.
I am not a Domme. I don't know how to feel people out; how to find their limits and urge them, not force them, to push said limits. I don't know how to show him these things and not have him run.
Is it better to give up and live vanilla? Or risk losing it all?
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