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ugh. sometimes i forget how great the need to be consumed and possessed is and then it hits me like a freight train. Those are times (like now) when I know how deeply i want and need to be a slave. |
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I heard this in a movie the other day. Not sure why, after all the times I have read this to my kids it did not resonate the same as it does right now.
From the Velveteen Rabbit:
"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side ........
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you.
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." |
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Have been asked a 100 times - "Are you sub or slave?"
I have varied on this and at one point I swore I was and never would be "slave". Of course I ended up a slave for quite awhile. Then I said never would be a slave again. Only now to truly desire it to an extent. I think the point that it comes down to is that I have and always will be submissive. That is innate. However, slave is something one can only be when owned and in an environment built on trust and the need/willingness to serve a particular person. I find it ridiculous to be a slave to just anyone or be a master to any idiot that just says she is a slave right off the bat. Just my opinion. |
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A "friend" i was talking to said "you never say no?" He was disconcerted that i was so agreeable and willing. Hes a dom - so WTF???? Why would I, a good well trained sub, ever say no??? LOL. |
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Song i heard today:
"I dont want the world to see me, because I dont think that theyd understand. When everything is made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am." |
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ok, had a great run today and it made me creative and a bit verbose. I write more when feeling slave or sub. I don't know why. I think it takes all that self control away and lets the "monkey mind" shine. No control = creativity. Slave=no control.
I want to clarify LTR. I mention it a lot and its something I want. But I had someone I never met say he didn't want to marry me???? Well me either. I do want a relationship and i want it to last. Beyond that really varies. Because I say that doesnt mean I want to move in with the first Dom that makes me feel. I dont believe in marriage. Its like Match.com with chains :) you still have to meet and see if there is compatibility.Its not a race. And even when i find that one and I want to serve and be owned immediately. I also know it takes time. |
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A slave is a thing. I get that. I want that. But do you kick your dog? Do you throw your chair? Forget to change the oil in your car or change the tires? You take care of your possessions . You wash your car and check the oil and tire pressure. You keep your things clean. If you are one of those that considers slaves possessions they still need to be nurtured and cared for like your other things. Slaves just need different care. They need to need. They need to please. They need to feel they belong. They need to feel a part of you.
Just something to think about. |
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Take me. Break me. Make me. |
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sighs, i have to admit that my faith and will power is quickly diminishing. Sometimes I do loathe this site. There has got to be a better way and somewhere not so inundated with liars and players. it is just baffling. |
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Perhaps a slave is just looking for someone to save her. That is a fatal flaw, Im sure; but the inherent need to belong and serve is a hope of salvation in return for servitude.
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Ugh. No matter how great, the holidays always end up making me feel melancholy and lonely. Once told I was too needy...perhaps. Maybe thats just the human(sub)condition? Thats my thought anyway.
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"addiction needs a pacifier"
no shit
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its not "play" i just never get why so many call it that. If you are only "playing" are you truly a slave or a Master outside of that moment? I have never and could never be on the dominant end of things but as a slave or sub it is something i am pretty much always. Not just when Im in the mood for some kink. Not just in the bedroom or a dungeon. Its just who I am every moment. Isnt that the true nature of submission or dominance?
"play" seem so trivial - this is not to be trivialized.
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Its not sex. its not kink. Its not something you can hide away. it is just there. its just you/me whatever. its an ache a need a piece of the soul. Who we/You/i am.
The odd thing is for me its not ever related to pain or the acutal physical acts of submission or pain I( and sadly I can barely handle that) but the mental and emotional aspect that is the most needed in my psyche. I keep thinking "perhaps I am not a slave" but in the same breath I cannot imagine another way of living happily or as my true self.
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I must say that Im trepidacious about coming back to CM. I have learned to trust myself. Learned to be honest(ok It took A LOT and it was painful) with who I am - even If im still learning who that is. I know that I need a strong Master. I dont know if I can be a slave - maybe just a measly little sub? ick.
I love CM and yet am so often disappointed by the fakes and those that cant even be honest in an initial pic or profile. I can spot those a mile away. Sometimes it is funny. I have also learned from people i thought were friends that i cant always trust everyone. But as I learn to trust myself and those that I hope truly want to know me and are true friends, I can be as honest as those that come to me. I know now how to be true to myself.
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I found this quote a while back and I think its pretty cool...
" I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me you bring out."
Elizabeth Barrett Browning(gotta love her)
Who doesnt want that???? Damn |
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Psychotic Ramblings Part I:
I feel like a greyhound in a race around an endless track chasing a rabbit she will never be strong enough or fast enough to catch. I watch the other dogs edge past or linger behind - sometimes I am in front. but Im so freaking tired, I just want to sit down in the middle of the track and knaw my foot. Watch the others aimlessly endlessly futilely chase that stupid freaking rabbit. |
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"the more the dark consumes me I pretend the light shines bright. The more the light shines through me I pretend to close my eyes."
they think Im so strong yet Im weak. a hollow shell. Id laugh if it wasn't so dark in here. |
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The easy thing is to love. To be loved or to allow love in is the challenge of great magnitude. |
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Re. Poly and jealousy and sharing and love....
(I said this to my Master - but changed it around -)
We all want to be the green M&M's in the bag. Unfortunately we want to be the only one left. I just want to be chartreuse! |
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YES, Love is key regardless. On both ends - a slave easily falls in love and then loves her Master. It is how she serves so willingly. But He must love as well. So that in turn his slave is nurtured to the status He desires. So that she will not falter in her devotion to Him always and she will forever be His slave. |
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Still, after all I have learned, need and desire to have love in a M/s relationship. I need more than anything to know that my Master will love and cherish me through it all and that I too will be devoted to and love Him in all of the trials and tribulations and screw ups Im garaunteed to make along the way.
I wonder if this is a childish or over romantic vision of what a true slave should feel. But in this moment is seems to be an integral need for me in this dynamic. Hmm...where to go in this one? If I need love as much as I need to be a slave am I still a slave?
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Still long to be used and abused wholly; pushed beyond what I think are my limits because only You will know them for me; Controlled to the furthest extent of my being; to be slave; to be owned. And in that to be cherished as His always. So lost without it. |
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So close yet so far away. I push. I run. I long for it nonetheless. How does one push away the cobwebs of fear? Recently a Dom wrote me and said, "have faith and relinquish fear" OMG that has to be the most frightening and difficult task of all. And yet he was so dead on!
One foot in front of the other and dont look back; breathe and JUMP....ok... here goes.... |
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You are not my Master until I am your slave. I am not your slave until a fundamental connection has been made. One that goes beyond one email and two IMs. |
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