Take a chance.. i will be too.

There has been some confusion as to whom to contact regarding this one, and most would believe that the appropriate person would be MstrsGoldie. This is not the case. Please refrain from contacting Her on this one's behalf.

Having found semi-permanent arrangements, this one is not actively seeking others at this time.

It's been a while since i've added anything to the journal.... There are so many topics i wish to write about, but it takes time to logically sort out my feelings on each subject. Finding the right words and objectively stating my feelings accurately are extremely important to me and lately i haven't had the time to work on much until now.

Thank You to A/all who have written praise about my piece on masochism.. perhaps i can add to that at some point. i've read it myself many times since then (usually wondeing what was so special about it) and i know there is more which can be added.

Today i'm writing about marriage and submission. i've read of those who enter the hallowed relationship as husband and wife, owner and owned, dominant and submissive and have been very successful. For me, i do not think such a relationship would be ideal. The main reason i say this is because of the conflict between the responsiblities i would have (or at the very least "feel" ) as a spouse and the responsiblities of the submissive. it's difficult to say this and it may reveal a shortcoming about myself as a person, but as a submissive, i don't think i'd be able to respond and support a spouse in a time of emotional trauma. Not that i would be cold and unfeeling, but when it comes to the issue of comforting and building up a spouse to overcome such traumas, whatever the cause, i believe it is impossible to be submissive and provide that support at the same time. Were i to serve a woman long term, i would not desire to be the spouse, i would prefer her to have another already, someone that can provide such support allowing me to aid how i can without crossing the boundary of the submissive to lift up my Dominant (emotionally as a spouse) in times of need.

i have conflicting feelings about this of course. i wouldn't be blind to such a need, i would see it, but often i wonder if i have the mettle to step out and 'be there' in such a case. i would feel a sense of failure in having not met a need which was so obviously apparent if i couldn't provide the necessary support or comfort. Because of this, i think the ideal situation is to serve as a 3rd party to a married couple. Please note that while i am neither predisposed to serving a man or a woman, in service to a male, i believe the possiblity of being called on in such a manner is remote or at the very least, less likely (it would also be ideal if whichever male i was serving had a woman to call on for such support)

Just some more unorganized rantings from my brain.... i've really felt compelled to write "something" i've found putting my thoughts in writing helps to maintain my focus even if my present thoughts conflict with that which was written in the past. if ever my feelings change at some point, i will remove the conflicting entry from my journal so those who read it can have an accurate snapshot of my persona at the time.

Totally off topic:

Nothing is worse then sending  off a quick note hoping to make a good impression only to discover afterwards that an extra word was left in or taken out.

What were once elegant words reflecting your thoughts, now scream  bad grammar (carelessness)... How embarassing.

On Masochism

Many have called me a masochist, but I've never felt like one. By definition a masochist is a person who enjoys pain. It would be accurate to say I do not enjoy pain at all. So why then do others call me a masochist? I enjoy the journey through the pain. During those periods of intense sensation (pain) the rest of the world melts away until the only 'things' in existence are myself, my partner, the sensation and sometimes the suspense. The process is not instant and is controlled exclusively by my partner. As the intensity increases, more of the world dissolves. At the very beginning I'm cognizant of all that is around me, as it increases I become conscious of only that in the immediate vicinity (the room for instance) as it increases even further, only my partner, myself and the pain exist. Getting to that point is a huge release. During those moments nothing else in the world exists or matters. Gone are the stresses from work, family and friends. Sometimes things stop right there, but it is possible for the journey to continue. If I've reached the stage where just my partner and I exist and the intensity / severity increases, I will travel even further. I reach a point where I am 'disconnected' in a sense from my body. At this point in the journey, I can take the hardest strokes or the most severe implements without flinching. Witnesses would say there is absolutely no reaction. I am conscious of each blow, yet I'm able to turn off the sensation which comes with each. If the pace of the strokes are constant or slow enough, I can remain in this state for a very long time. The key to getting past this point is increasing the blows to a rapid rate, or varying the timing of each while still keeping them at a good tempo. If that happens and I am taken beyond the stage where I travel into (beyond) myself, I will merge once again with the sensation I'm experiencing. The accumulated sensation from all of the blows before will be there and each new one will feel mind shattering. I may struggle at this point to try to flee from the sensation, but the bonds hold tight (as usual) and desperation sets in. I begin to realize I'm spent, my inner strength almost depleted. I know fully now that my partner controls the show, I am at his or her mercy, I know that I have no control. There is nothing left for me to do at this point but endure each remaining stroke. Once acceptance sets in, the strokes which follow are usually the most painful. This has nothing to do with the implement in use or the force behind it. Knowing that there is no struggle left within me and that I can do nothing about any remaining blows, all there is left to do is experience fully the sensation carried with each. Genuine gasps, grunts, groans and screams all flow freely at this point. Going much further results in extreme desperation. Wide eyes, genuine begging, shaking limbs and sometimes dizziness. Eventually the blows will stop. I will feel drained, exhausted. My hands are cold due to reduced circulation. I am weepy, the journey to this point is extreme and usually results in tears. I am grateful, grateful You could bring me here. Afterwards I will carry a glow, sometimes for days. I'll find myself scratching my back or brushing against the corner of a wall to rekindle the sensation from the bruises left over. Each time I do this, I remember the journey and I glow a little longer. Eventually the bruises fade, and the marks go away, with them go the glow which accompany them.. During those days of afterglow, even the most significant problems can appear meaningless.. Sooner or later the process will be repeated.

Some call me a masochist, but I do not enjoy the pain.

Rare Gems-

I'd almost forgotten about a very moving experience I'd had until a recent phone call.

I'd had an online relationship in my past (I can almost see the cringing), normally I myself toss the idea away as pointless. They lack so many of the positive attributes of a real world relationship. No physical contact, difficulties in communication, you never get to really 'see' your partner etc..

We had endured the same hindrances of any online relationship, but one thing, one seemingly small attribute made my partner stand out as an excellent Dominant. This man got inside of my head.
He would speak to me on different levels at the same time. At first I was oblivious, then he'd pointed out instances where I'd been doing so without even knowing it. Soon it became a regular practice for both of us to do so. He would ask questions, seemingly innocent questions but sometimes very difficult to answer. He'd not let up on those questions until he was absolutely satisfied I'd tried all I could to answer to the fullest extent possible. He was magnificent at guiding me when I found a roadblock on the way to the answer. Never would the answer be placed in my mouth, yet sometimes I was shown different avenues of thought. These newly lit paths of thought would allow me to get to the answer on my own.

All of this self exploration and challenge created a very special bond between us. The act of exploring together brought us closer, being closer led to more exploration.

Always he asked how I felt. Most would be able to answer this question with "ok", "pretty good" or maybe "miserable". Those common answers were never acceptable. My how I struggled to answer that question sometimes.

My point I guess is that because of that very special aspect of this particular relationship (the bond, the questions, the self exploration) the fact that most of the normal elements of a 'real' relationship weren't there didn't matter. I found myself looking forward to every chat, conversation and piece of mail we exchanged. He'd gained my trust and my loyalty without ever touching me physically.

I don't think this happens very often, if and when it does it is a rare gem not to be overlooked.
Choices I have made pulled me away from that relationship. There has been a void in me ever since.

I was totally bored last evening, and couldn't sleep, I was thinking about a workshop I'll be attending today on "Heavy Impact Play". After wasting time reading about UFO's, ESP and psychic phenomenon, My childish and kinky side took over, and I wrote the following:

You might be a vanilla

If your only use for a clothsepin is hanging laundry out to dry, you might be vanilla

If you think "munch" is something you do when eating a snack, you might be vanilla

If your only definition of 'workshop' is a place to do wood and metalwork, you might be vanilla

If someone says the word 'cane' and you think of old people, you might be vanilla

If you think 'subspace' is a movie starring Dennis Quaid, you might be vanilla

If you think a 'violet wand' is something a magician would use, you might be vanilla

If you think a 'tens unit' is a function of basic math, you might be vanilla

If someone's talking about 'Prince Albert' and you think of foreign countries, you might be vanilla

If you think 'pony play' is something that only happens on a farm, you might be vanilla

If you hear the word 'sound' and you think about aural sensation, you might be vanilla

If your trips to Home Depot are only for home improvement, you might be vanilla

If you hear about 'The Marketplace' and you think of Wall Street, you might be vanilla

If you think 'leather' is something you make belts, jackets and car interiors with, you might be vanilla

If you discover 'kink' and you're looking at a rope, you might be vanilla

If '24/7' to you are the hours of a store, you might be vanilla

If someone talks about 'branding' and you think about cows, you might be vanilla

If you think a 'collar' is part of a shirt, you might be vanilla

If your 'limits' are printed on your credit card statement, you might be vanilla

If 'lifestyle' means condoms to you, you might be vanilla

Lastly,

If you grab the 'toybag' because you're travelling with children, you might be vanilla

The struggle -

The struggle is another vastly important element of a successful relationship (one which I would see as "ideal" ). This element is tied closely to pushing boundaries and growth.

Scenario: I avoid speaking publicly due to stage fright. You as my Dominant schedule me to present a workshop for a large local BDSM group. Conviction sets in, I know that there is no way You would let me out of such an ordeal (Consistency). As the day draws nearer nervousness about the act sets in. I wonder if I can actually do this. In my mind I'm constantly going over the terrors tied to the act in question. Then the day comes, I steel myself knowing
that I am doing this because You wish me to. This thought comforts me and I give my presentation (maybe a little shakily) and afterwards You delight in my carrying out this task, knowing that I did it only because You wished me to.

A boundary was stretched here, there may have not been an overt BDSM element involved, but thats not always necessary for personal growth. The benefits of doing so is that after time, such tasks won't seem as inapproachable or difficult and my skills available to You grow each time.

That struggle, the battle within to steel myself and approach a seemingly insurmountable task is an essential part of the submissive being. Without it, the relationship can seem empty. Seeing Your pride in the accomplishment of such a task, is one of the single largest motivations which compel me to wish to go further, to submit to deeper depths. You took me there, You watched the struggle within, there is no reason not to be proud. Maybe the act in question had nothing to do with You or U/us - it could have simply been a means for You
to improve me as a person. Regardless it presented an opportunity for me to show my dedication to You as Your sub. Your satisfaction afterwards is my reward for that effort. This is what helps develop that indescribable connection I mentioned in an earlier journal.

Essential elements of a successful relationship (from my point of view):

I need to feel a connection to my partner(s) - something that goes beyond just caring about safety and health.

On that note, I need to grow; push limits - be they physical or mental (this is the sort of connection I mentioned above -- legitimate concern about my growth as a person and a submissive.

Regularity - ideally my next partner will be solidly into the lifestyle and have a good amount of experience (more than I). My willingness to submit, to yield control and desire to please are a natural part of me. I want to express these aspects of my person on a regular basis, not part time, to do so my next partner really needs to be "into" the life.

Consistency - A topic for an entirely separate journal entry.

I would like someone who can "rock my world" so to speak, come up with something out of the blue just to throw me off balance and keep me on my toes.

Just as important as the connection and growth, both parties need to enjoy the life and all the activity / benefits which are involved.

My employment situation is not very flexible. I am indentured to the US Navy for the next 7 years at which time I will retire from the service. Although this places many restrictions on my personal pursuits, ultimately it will set me up to seek out a situation in which I could dedicate myself fully to for any number of years while still having an income (albeit small) and without the "real" world infringing. All good things to those who wait I guess.

In the meantime, my passions will persist and I will continue to work on myself in an attempt to become more appealing to One who may be interested in such an arrangement.

The "perfect" submissive.... there is no such thing right? Ideally we should strive to make every bit of our existence all about tending the needs/wants/desires of our keepers putting our keeper before ourselves. While I see the logic behind this belief -- the "ideal" mindset, I've never been there myself. Does this mean that I'm not a submissive? -- I don't think so. I  haven't said I could never achieve such a mindset. I've made progress down that road before, but to do so requires a connection between my keeper and I.  That connection is impossible to describe, but when its there the relationship feels "right"

I see analogies between submission and respect. Respect can of course be given to anyone to a certain extent. Further than that, respect is earned, not simply given. The same holds true of submission in my mind.

My point is I will not become a blithering puppet just because You say you are a dominant. I have to feel it.

I will not defer to just anyone.