A little bit about me – I was orphaned about a year before I was born, and raised until I was 7 years-old by a pack of feral iguanas on the slopes of Mount McKinley. Upon discovering existentialism, I was kidnapped and partially eaten by cannibalistic Peruvian revolutionaries, who taught me how to make a proper Hollandaise Sauce. After winning the coveted ‘Isaac Newton Medal for Best Grasp of Advanced Chaos by a Semi-Animate Object,’ the Peruvians grew tired of me, and I was sold into slavery to a group of radical Rhodes Island separatists, who put me to work serving the needs of their harem of African-American albino midgets, and it was there that I learned many of the skills vital to the ruthless domination of the solar system. I would have been happy there, but my dreams were shattered by the alien abduction, and it took some experimentation before I realized that entropy works, but not as well as it used to, and to this day I’m not sure I understand ambiguity. From there I have just rambled around, dabbling in cosmetic brain surgery; effing the ineffable; trying to understand why photons have mass when they aren’t even Catholic; short-circuiting the entire ‘Excitement –Hope – Acquisition –Contempt’ cycle; and generally committing egregious acts of random intellectual mischief while staying alert, because the world needs more lerts.

My hobbies include ducking flying pigs; rearranging traffic cones; giving wrong directions to tourists; trying to find out who keeps sending me those ‘Increase Your Penis Size’ mails; raising boredom to truly scintillating levels; and always following the ‘Rinse and Repeat’ instructions, no matter how much time it takes. Oh, and long walks on the beach. Those too.

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