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ClubX
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| I enjoy pleasing. I'm trying to better myself mentally and physically. I'm trying to be less stressed about things that dont matter in the long run or that I dont have any control over. I want to get back into the things that I used to enjoy such as art (my main medium is photography).
Here are a couple things about myself as of this moment and what I can think of right now:
Im a jack of all trades (I like knowing a bit about everything)
I try to listen to a conversation before adding anything
I'm shy and at times rather self conscious in many ways
I try to find ways where everyones happy in the end
I dont like conflict or arguing
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The plant gives me peace, the plant gives me comfort. It reminds me of her when I cant be with her. Its caress is hers and I makes me feel alive. That living thing she gave to me and I treasure it so dear. Its a gift she gave to me and I wish she were here. I but at least I have the plant that she gave me. |
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So me and someone very special are taking a break. It's been really hard and it's only been one day. I wanted to call her and tell her I hoped she had a good day. I wanted to wrap her in my arms. But there needs to be space right now. We are getting in too many fights and she has to find out and figure some stuff out. I want things to work out, very much. I care about her very much. But I need more then she can give right now, or is allowing herself to give I guess. I just hope she figures stuff out soon. I'm not even sure if everything will work out with us. In some ways we might be too different. That would suck, and break my heart. But I guess that is life, and I don't want someone that cant tell me how they are feeling or that keeps secrets from me. I care about this person very much, even to the point of collaring her someday. I dont know if that will even be possible now. I'll still try to post as much as possible and see if I can get a regular weekly thing going. I wish the girl I will have the best in life and hope to hear from her with answers for herself and for me. Turkey Feathers. |
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I step back and to the side of her. I can still see droplets of water on her body. I extend the arm with the belt and swing true, landing squarely on her ass. She jumps and says: "Thank you Sir, I'm sorry for being a brat." I smile at myself always enjoying the word "Sir" come out of her lips. I begin a slow and methodical series of strappings covering her ass from the top of her crack to just a couple inches above the knees. Having been keeping count in my head I stop at fifty. I can no longer tell if the droplets of moisture on her body are from the shower or beads of sweat forming on her cheeks, back, and thighs. Her ass which started out with only a hint of pink from the hot shower was now bright pink with white stripes across it. Smiling to myself again, knowing some of those white stripes would later become bruises. I can see her body shivering and quivering. I tell her that there is going to be a little break before the last fifty. She begins to relax and drops her ass. I smack it with my hand and she jumps forward surprised by the blow on her tender flesh. "Who said the break is for you slut?" I ask. She bows her head in exhaustion on the couch and says: "No one Sir.""Thats right. Now get off the couch, I would like to sit down." I tell her. She gingerly moves off the couch. I plop myself down and tell her to kneel in front of me. "Now slut your going to get to do something that you have wanted to do since the first time I came down. Your going to pleasure me by sucking my cock." I say as I undo my pants and lower them along with my boxers to below my knees. Her eyes grow wide with shock (or desire, I'm not sure), seeing as I've never given such an order. She moves in closer to me so she is inbetween my legs. She looks up at me and our eyes lock, and in that moment I see it, from her I had seen in only one other time. Complete Submission. She lowers her eyes back down, the contact broken and focuses her eyes on my cock. Her head goes down and she licks the tip of my cock.
To Be Continued.... |
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The fire grows again. The urge to take her, to use her. To make her mine, to break and shatter her. She's been bratty for far too long. It's time for her to understand her place. I get there early only by ten minutes. I ring the doorbell. I waint. Nothing. Again I ring the doorbell. Again silence. I call her phone and tell her Im waiting outside. I hang up and wait. Several minutes pass. Finally I hear footsteps coming. The door opens and only a towel is covering her flesh, still pink from the hot water of the shower. She looks mad, punches my arm and says: "Why are you early?". I grab her by her wet hair, step inside and close and lock the door. She begins to protest and try to get away. I twirl her around and bend her over. I lift the towel, exposing her still damp backside. I raise my hand and there is a rapid secession of palm meeting wet flesh. She yelps at the spanks. "I travel four hours to see you and this is how you greet me? With a nasty look and a punch to the arm?" I ask. "I'm tired of you not being able to control your bratty behavior. Every time I come here your needs have always been met, even with the sacrafice to mine. I tell you now litte one, that stops here and now." I say as I pull her to the couch and put her on all fours on it. I strip the towel from her and tell her to arch her back and stick that pretty ass out. She starts to make excuses saying it was a joke. I smack her ass a couple more times and tell her to do as I say. I take the zip ties from my pocket and set them on the top of the couch where her head is. Her eyes grow wide as she sees the zip ties. I know she is deathly afraid of them. She whimpers and settles down. I put my hand on the small of her back and press down, forcing her ass to pop out. I get close to her ear and whisper: "good girl". She shivers but says nothing. I move back from her. "You have been far toobratty with me lately and the lack of respect is untolerable. Your now going to be punished. Also unlike every other time I have come down you will not be allowed a single orgasm, you've had your pleasure, now its time for me to have mine which is as it should be. As the beginning of your punishment you will recieve 100 strikes from my belt, you will count them out and with every hit you will say: 'Thank you Sir. I'm sorry for being a brat.' Is that clear?" She whimpers. I smack her ass. "Yes or no slut!" I shout. In a whisper she says: "Yes Sir." I smile and say: "Good girl". I unbuckle my belt, double it over and raise it......
To Be Continued. |
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I want her, I want to feel her flesh, feel as it gets warm then hot then moist with persperation, I want to bite her skin, first on her neck, going down, down to her collar bone. To hear her breath begin to quicken. I want to hear the whimper that escapes her lips as I pull on her hair and force her to kneel. I want to see and feel that jump as I smack her ass, smiling to myself. I want to hear her as I touch her sex through her tight jeans. Words lost on her tounge unable to form complete sentences. I want the pleasure to watch her struggle as I have her crawl to the bed, her hair firmly in my grasp. To see and hear that shudder as I unbutton her jeans and take them off her, exposing her. More flesh. I'm on fire with desire. So much I want to do, but I restrain. I can tell she is scared. She's afraid of the unknown. The suspense. She moans as I tear her shirt up and pull her gorgeous breasts out and begin to pleasure and torment them. My hands find her sex, and my fingers go in. Its like a furnace, the heat, the smell. Its intoxicating. She bucks and almost whispers a no, but the words are lost in her head. I want to take her, I want her right now. I want her to be mine. I move my fingers faster and faster, working my tounge around her sensitive nipples. She bucks again, Shes close. Faster and harder my hand goes. I clamp my mouth on her left nipple and I hear and feel her release. I look into her eyes. So deep and yet so afraid of the unknown. I control my urges and I want to do so much more. The pain and pleasure we both can have. No. I control my urges. |
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Love is so a myth, its just something people invented to not be as lonely. Love is not real. All love is are reactions from your brain releasing chemicals into you brain giving you physical sensations. Thats all it is, no more, no less. There is no secret to it and there is nothing speacial, no single love for you and someone else. It's all a game of chance, a game of numbers. How many people will it take till I find someone that can stand to be with me for the rest of our lives without killing ourselves or each other? Thats all it is. No spiritual connection, no other earthly way of feeling. Love is fake, love is forced. Love is nothing.
At least thats what I tell myself when I feel this way. Feel like I wont find someone. Afraid that I will be alone. Tired of not being enough for anyone. *sighs* I'm tired of this feeling.
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So how does one balance the lifestyle with religion or spiritual beliefs? In many ways (at least in my beliefs) they seem to be contradictory. Many religions would see many acts of the lifestyle as "sins". So how does one balance the two, or can you even? Many things in the lifestyle would be considered a stigma to general society let alone religious groups. So how can you be a perfect perishner on one side, and a full fledged person of the lifestyle? It seems as though you would have to give group on one side or the other at some points. Many religions would consider the activities of play to be to sensual, erotic, pleasuring of the body. But at the same time how can we deny these sensual and physical feelings? Though isn't it also true (speaking form personal experience only) that when playing with a person you care about deeply that in many ways it is very spiritual? In my experience (which in not very extensive, but intense) I have always felt more then just physical sensations. In my dealings with the lifestyle my times that I have played have always in some way been spiritual in some form. Sessions aren't just purely sensual, they drive deeper (I'm refering to sessions with close and cared about people) They give a total view into a person, what they can be when they know they have no reason to hide. Even the reactions commonly called sub drop, sub space, dom high. Of course these reactions, or spaces of thought have physical attributes, but for me at least they carry a more powerful and profound meaning. They are changes in seeing the world, changes of viewing things. These spaces can give non physical reactions: freedom, sadness, dread, happiness, exhiliration. So are tell me, do you think they can balance eachother out, the lifestyle and religion/spirituality? |
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So friday was a really good day. I have been looking for a serving style job for awhile now and haven't had much luck, but I on friday I learned that people are actually starting to hire again rather than just almost toss me out of the restaurant on my ass. So that was good. Also I was able to talk to an extremely close friend (even the though the word really doesnt give what we have justice.) Called me pretty regularly that day and I was happy to hear from her. So we had been talking off and on throughout the day and I get home and she starts to ask for my address (she had been asking me for awhile because she wanted to send me a care package). So I tell her and she says: "Ok I'm going to send it today". So I go head for the shower, take a shower and I'm watching tv and she calls again. We start talking and she says she wants me to check out a website. So I walk into my room and get to the internet. She says she forgot the site and I hear the doorbell ring. I normally dont get the doorbell. So I ignore it. So I'm talking to her and the doorbel goes off again and I ask her if I can call her back. She says yes and we hang up. I open the door and there she is, at my front door with this shit eating grin on her face. "Surprise!!". My jaw must have been on the floor and there arent many times I'm speechless before her. We havent seen eachother for a couple months and I bring her close to me and hug her tight. Waves wash over me: Surprise, shock, happiness, longing, peace. (surprisingly enough there was no fear, no anxiety, not anger). In the hug I kissed her next and relished in being able to smell her again. Still unable to complete a full sentence I offer her to come inside. She stops me and tells me I have to see her new car, which I hadnt even noticed, being a little to focused on other things. So She leads me to the car and gives me all this stuff for valentines day, and the second most beautiful thing I had seen that day was an orchid which had been part of her own plant. So She wants to show me her new car and tells me we are going for a drive so tell her where to go. So I start giving her directions and we end up at a park near a river. We talk and kiss and walk around. It always feels so good to be around her. Like I can be myself, and that I can always be better. We sing in the car, both laughing and making fun of our own voices. We get back to my place and we share some pizza with my dad. We all hang out for a bit. After dinner her and I take a walk and I tell her a little bit about the street on which I grew up. We hug, we kiss, we hold hands and we cheerfully struggle for power over one another. Sadly she has to get home, she has work in the morning. I tell her that she is special and beautiful, she rolls her eyes and says something, I cradle her neck in my hands and kiss her forehead. I cant stop kissing her, I hold her tight, I want to steal her away with me and never let her go. But sadly we cant always have what we want when we want it. So I open her door for her, she gets in. I lower my head into the car and kiss her one last time and tell her to call me when she got home. That day was a good day. |
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So I had to get up really early this morning for school. So I was at school an hour and a half early. Honestly all I was doing was reading and talking brakes but as the night turned into day and the sun crested the horizon and was in its true brilliance if only for a couple minutes these thoughts came to my head:
In this moment of clarity I write these words down. I love her deeply and told her all I can say. But now she has to realize if for herself. There is nothing more I can do but wait. Through the grace and touch of God I now know that people can not be forced, and that rather then looking at ones faults or lack of deeds you must look at what that person can be in their perfect moment. I now don't look at who I am or what mistakes I've made but what I have it in myself to be. A better man. A man of power and grace, and the humility to carry those both wisely. In this moment I can say, I know everything will work out and that in this moment I have peace. |
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I'm leaving collarme along with the lifestyle, and honestly dont know if I will ever be back. Stuff has happened and I've been broken heart, mind, and soul at the moment. I wasn't the only victim, and for that I am sorry. I can't stay and must go. I leave my blog up as a testament of my time here. |
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Switch?
(This post is solely based on how I feel and am and my own views)
I've known about the lifestyle for around 2 years, but only recently had my first live play session. This session was me as a sub. But I've labeled myself (and others have labeled me) as a switch. Do to the fact that I have urges to both dom and sub at different times. Now it seems to me that the people who are switches have the toughest time. It's so much easier to be one or the other, to totally devout yourself to one side or the other. But with me at least it seems to be a tug-o-war. Both sides are difficult to do. As a sub you have to trust someone with your safety, and the ideal is total trust, and to dom you must know that you have total trust from your sub and have the courage and sense to keep your sub safe (while giving them punishment). My mind reels with both sides. And I think to myself, can a switch ever have the ability to totally submit to someone? Or can a switch totally dom someone the way they deserve? How can someone juggle those to total opposite roles? |
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Hey, dont even know if anyone reads these, but if so sorry for the lack of posts. So I started a video blog on youtube, Heres my youtube site. I've posted twice on it so far so let my know what you think.
http://www.youtube.com/user/SmokinPoet |
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