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lustformore
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ING71
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Ssenra
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SoulRebel
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SquireBrink
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DeepPotato
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*Off the market*
Capricious, intelligent, and artistic.
All are words that I can freely use to describe myself though I would much prefer to simply let you watch and come to that conclusion yourself. My personality runs the gamut from chatty and social to quiet and observant, aggressive to passive, and kind to cruel. One thing that stays constant however, is my honesty, sincerity in action, and my big empathetic heart.
Work-wise, I have shifted to a file clerk of a rather common variety. Not being one to worry, I am in school to be a massage therapist so I can actually move up in the world.
Again, my tastes and curiosities are broad but the more extreme lines will not be crossed. For me, seduction starts in the mind and seduction is in the details. I'm quite flexible and believe in truthfulness in my dealings. I will not tolerate being pressured, period. I find that I enjoy novel things and enjoy the challenge of rising to the occasion, however that occasion may play out.
My interests are wide and varied. I enjoy many many things like visiting museums, to rodeos, to poetry readings, to Civil War reenactments, you name it. If it sounds interesting, I'll usually give it a shot. I love role-playing as a hobby ((text-based and LARPs)), as well as writing, drawing, reading, and looking for new music.
Now that I am back in the swing of things, as it were, I find myself much more dominant than I was before. Quite liberating yes. Or I am just on a power trip. Bah, who the fuck cares as long as one is happy? Prospective subs take note: Have your own life. I have mine and that is more than enough for me. Have respect for yourself. To me, any animal can bow his head and take direction but for a strong man to trust himself under my hand is divine.
*Notes*
While I enjoy receiving mail from various folks, be advised that there are some types of people I have no interest in entering a relationship with or getting involved with.
1. If you are married, affianced, or dating another person. To me, despite what the divorce rate in this country is, marriage is a sacred bond between man and woman, woman and woman, man and man, or however your pairing or trio etc pans out. I don't mind talking with married folks but that is a limit.
2. If you are twice my age or old enough to be my father. I know they say that age is just a number but it's more to do with my comfort level. Again, I do not mind talking.
3. I admit it! I'm a grammar Nazi. When I compose a message to anyone, I will make sure that proper grammar and spelling is used. If you cannot formulate a simple 'How are you this evening' and instead prefer to write 'how r u?' I will be disinclined to talk.
4. If I give you means to contact me outside of collarme, please have the courtesy to respect my right to reject your advance. Pressuring me to do anything, fetish-wise or inane, will not garner you an iota of my respect. If I have refused, then continuing the ask me repeatedly the same question is not only rude but disrespectful. I wish to get to know you before I will even consent to meet you. I hold my personal safety to be paramount.
5. If your first message involves you discussing your fetishes or asking me about mine, the message will be deleted. I am not looking for a quick fuck and nor do I play that game.
Other than that, game on!
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Theme Song: "The Queen and I" - Gym Class Heroes
I gotta say, it's refreshing to be back at CM! Already had two people not read the profile and break my rules. Two in two days? I suppose that makes sense.
For the record, I take the time to read someone's entire profile and if I am interested, I take the time to write a decent message to them. To ask for the same in return is not that far of a stretch to me. Those that would not return the courtesy... well, I am not interested in that type. I have 5 little rules that are not that hard to follow.
1, not interested if you are married, etc.
2, twice my age? No thanks.
3, spellcheck please. Grammar, syntax, punctuation, need I say more?
4, don't pressure me. No means no.
5, don't ask me about my fetishes in your first mail to me. I will simply delete it and if offended enough, block you.
Then again, those who do break those rules get written off immediately.
Ahhhh, CM, how I have missed you! |
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Mood Music: "Back Against the Wall" - Cage the Elephant
"I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
I love Sir Winston Churchill. Great man, truly.
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Mood music: "Do You Only Wanna Dance" - Mya
Happy new years! Lots of well-wishes and happiness to all and may everyone have a better year than last!
So I have been happy lately. No real reason, just in a good mood and humor. So what does one do when they are in such a mood? They spread it to others who need it. Right now I am finishing up some presents for some friends who don't know they are getting prezzies. ^_^
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Mood Music: "Here Comes the Sun" - The Beatles
Status: Tipsy and Lovin' It
So. I had a good night. Hung out with my friend for his birthday, hung out with another friend after that and finally dragged my tired ass back home. It has been some time since I actually had a good time like that, just enjoying a sweet red and laughing my ass off. That is what makes everything worth it right there!
And I just realized that it has been over a year since I added to my journal. Time to change that trend~
As for moi, I need to crawl into bed. I have not seen this side of midnight in a little while. ^_^
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Mood Music: "You Learn" - Alanis Morrissette
I've had an interesting few weeks with conversations that have made my jaw drop. Have manners and propriety really gone out the window? Or am I missing something?
1. Do not ask a woman what her chest size is on the first IM.
2. Especially not on the first date.
3. And certainly do not follow up any rejection of said question with "just tell me".
4. When someone says they are too busy to talk on the phone, telling them to stop what they are doing and call is a fast way to be blocked.
5. Similarly, demanding to talk on the phone and then backtracking and saying you only wanted to verify gender strikes the astute mind as being... suspicious.
6. When someone does not acquiesce to your "request", "demands", "questions", or whatever noun you want to use for inquiry, calling them "bitchy" or a "bastard" is not the tip top of etiquette.
Alright, so maybe that sounds a bit lofty. Does not matter. I try to carry on genial conversation and polite discussion about non-sexual and non-BDSM topics so I can get a feel for someone. Figure out what they are like, who they are, what they dream about, etc. This is an essential to my need. I need to be able to respect someone I am with. If you start in with the personal questions right off the bat, I can't help but think that our interests and personalities are mismatched. That leads to another thing...
7. If someone says that you asked a personal question of them and refuses to answer it, the appropriate response is not "but I need to know".
You do not NEED to know. You WANT to know and do not care about whether or not you just crossed someone's boundaries. It's like telling someone you don't want an eggplant shoved up your ass but the other person deciding they want to make the attempt anyways for shits and giggles. If someone tells me "it's personal", I apologize and back off out of respect. Is that so hard?
It feels like I preach a lot about respect and manners and the like though I might come off as a bit cool and detached. Part and parcel to my personality, I tend to stay true to my own feelings. That being said, it's always been my personal belief that a simple "Good evening, how are you tonight?" always sounds better to me than "hey sexy, how r u".
What ever happened to our manners?
Random Thought: If you are watching a scene with a few other people and someone sneezes, do you say "Bless you", let it slide, or use sign language? I mean, you don't want to do anything to bother the players and yet, it's a kneejerk reaction to say "bless you". Gwar! Social rules! |
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Mood Music: "Crash and Burn" - Savage Garden
As a personal note, this entry is dedicated to someone I care about very much who took their own life not too long ago.
I wish to step away from fetishes and my own asanine ramblings on good wine and chenille socks as much as it pains me. I've been wrestling with my own grief for over a month now because I found out the day before my birthday that a friend of 10 years took her life for some reason that seemed relevent at the moment. Or earth-shattering. Or some other Armageddon reason. Maybe I'm still young yet and haven't gotten this whole death thing downpat but it's still shock. I've had family members die but not the ones that are this close to me like that. And even at that, it's natural causes! This wasn't that way. It wasn't nature's path.
It's tempting to question the reasoning. What could be so wrong with living? What is so terrible that you don't want to live? Living is living. And screw anyone that pipes up about degenerative diseases or whatnot. Seriously. I am pertaining these questions to suicide, specifically.
I dunno what took a month and a half for it to settle in. Maybe it was getting a program from the memorial service and seeing it in print that birth and death dates. Just seeing her picture on the cover holding a baby sea turtle and just smiling with that brilliant smile of hers, I just want to know what went wrong. But isn't that always the question? Why, why, why? But at the same time, even if we knew the answer, would it really truly matter? Would it change anything in us? Or would it give us a sense of completion or fragmentation at knowing the truth?
I won't delude myself by saying "If I had only known!" Truth is, we had grown apart and she had moved away and she was more of a friend of my mother's than of specifically me. But still, she was a beautiful woman who had a knack for making me feel beautiful too even in my awkward gawky teenage years. Anyone who can give that sense of self-esteem to another should recieve it in equal measure and more. Even if I knew what she was going to do or had a hint of doing so, could I have changed it? Or is that the one question you should never ask yourself for fear that you'd end up breaking yourself further?
I sat down earlier and just hugged the picture I have of her to me. I miss her, bottomline, and I will always miss her. What do I say aside from that? Do I ignore the pain of my own loss and be glad that she is at peace? Do I rage her decision and how selfish it is? Do I take this as a vital lesson to hold all the people I love just a little closer?
Ultimately, there is no right or wrong answer, I think. It's different for everyone. For me, I choose to cherish the memories I have of her and wish that should she be reincarnated, let it be in a happier form. Just whatever body her soul happens to take, let it have that same brilliant smile that made you smile too no matter how you were feeling. |
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Mood Music: "Boston" - Augustana
*elbows her friend* Boston, I know.
Okay, so it's been a month and I am officially 23. Officially no less. As in, it's on public record. I got arrested on my birthday. Something about there being a law against doing poledances on stopsigns in full view of traffic.
Haha, I kid.
I did do a poledance on a speed limit sign once on a dare from a friend. Nearly cracked my skull open too but hey, it's all good.
Anyone else enjoy Fay like I did? I now need to get the complex to get in my apartment and do something about some water damage my roommate and I noticed. I asked them to fix that shit once and they supposedly did but apparently not. Now i have a stripe of water damage across my living room wall and my feng shui just got funky. As in, I had to rearrange the salsa and fruit juice in the door of my fridge just to counteract the bad feng shui that water damage was giving off.
Great stuff, eh?
But seriously, happy Sunday to all! It's 3 AM, I've got a bottle of apple juice and an open jar of mandarin oranges and I'm lounging in silky pajamas. Heaven as my witness, there is no other way I could be any fucking happier right now.  |
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Mood Music: "Ich Will" - Rammstein
So, perhaps 3 and a half years after the Navy gave me the grand boot from the DEP program, I find myself on the doorstep of the Army. And boy, are they eager to see me. Like kids getting to see Santa. Now for a little bit of Silk's ego stroking.
So I talked with the recruiter the other day. Due to my Puerto Rican genes, I have junk in the trunk and need to lose a little weight. Okay, maybe I got the attic in there but I'm just slightly above the body fat requirements. I was informed that they could get the ball rolling once I lost that extra 1%. No biggie, I've been swimming at the pool to get the weight off and I see progress.
Jobs. I gave my mom a heartattack when she heard what jobs I chose. Operations Specialist she was okay with but the Explosives Ordnance Disposal scared the hell out of her. Well, I asked for information on Diver, Military Police, Explosives Ornance Disposal, Psychological Operations and the whole 97 series of Counterintelligence jobs. Fun stuff! So I get to go take the ASVAB again since my old score of 92 of 99 isn't valid anymore. Pity, really.
In short, go ARMY! These guys are rolling out that red carpet and I have every intention of walking down it. |
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Funny conversations~
Me: I'll be hitting the big 2-3 on August 10th.
RopeRegulus: The big 3-0?
Me: No, 23. I'll be 23.
RR:... you're just a baby! I have socks older than you!
Me: Glad to know there are socks out there with more seniority than me.
Ah, zest of life!
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Mood Music: "Here To Stay" - Korn
I find more and more that I seem to be taking a dominant role in most of not all my social and personal relationships. Not to be confused with deciding what will or will not occur, but more like a gentle persuasion towards my argument. I'm not sure when that started happening, perhaps the change occurred with the shift of seasons.
Eitherway, what I tend to get these days is deference not only at work, but even from my own boss, and at home hanging out with my friends. Naturally, I get my kicks from seeing other folks happy so socially, I tend to gloss over that band let my friends take me wherever. At work though, I let my opinion ride. It's a bit of a point to be proud on, to have others look up to me and defer to my opinion on a situation. It kinda feels nice for others to have their faith and trust put into me rather than me feeling like I always have to go on a limb.
Other than that, the roommate is officially OUT. Goodbye. Good riddance. See you in court to get your half of the rent.
I dislike the notion that some people have that I'm being some kind of bitch about this. That's cool, you are entitled to your opinion and all that jive. However, when I say that someone is NUTS, it means they are illogical and NUTS. This chick would not turn on the AC, she chased cats in the apartment parking lot, yelling "BLOOD OF JESUS!" at the top of her lungs, she stole my Cokes that I put in the fridge (the humanity!), and made it a point to start shit with me whenever she could. And that's just off the top of my head.
I should point out that I only confront someone directly when I am severely irritated or upset. The rest of the time, I kinda go with the flow and don't sweat the small stuff because really, most things in life are not worth getting worked up about. Now. When you corner me so you can yell and threaten me with a lawyer and shit, do not expect me to sit there and kowtow to your bitchfit. What you should expect is for me to physically remove you from my way out of the corner and woebetide you if you do not move. I'm an understanding person and yes, I learned to talk in a civil manner to work through a situation. If you want drama, keep it to yourself. I'm far from interested in that bullshit and dealing with little children who want to scream and cry and beat their little fists on the ground.
And damn.... it's 7:45 AM. I guess I'd been sitting on that rant for a bit... |
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Mood Music: "Most Girls" - Pink
Explain to me something. I have paid electric, water, and rent. My roommate still thinks that she should have a key to my residence. Alright, her name is on the lease but this is not her residence and she does not need a key to it. And again, I can't talk to her without getting a shit storm of curses and general rudeness. But, I hold the only key to the extra locks so I should be fine.
At least my Aloette party went off without a hitch. I had only 1 out of 20 guests show up which sucked, but the one guest that showed up was massively impressed with the products and results. This is a good thing. Makes life about 4 times easier. I just gotta get out there and sell sell sell! And the sweet thing about being a consultant is that I get the products for peanuts. The make-up is fantastic! All minerals and none of that liquid stuff that sits on your face like a mask. It doesn't feel like I have anything on at all and it's not itchy or scratchy. So yaaaaay. Just gotta sell sell!
I was honestly worried that I'd have a problem on my hands if my roomie showed and raised hell which would not have been conducive to sales AT ALL. No matter, the products tend to sell themselves. Hopefully I can meet my goal by Monday.
All in all, it was a productive evening. Had dinner with my two close friends and laughed like an idiot in Olive Garden. It feels good to forget the issues at home and just enjoy myself with good folks. Laughter truly is the best medicine. And a good wine. *laughs*
But I realize that it's the stressful times that also make the good times that much sweeter and special to enjoy. So I'll part with two quotes.
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” ~ Kahlil Gibran
"That which does not kill me had better run pretty damn fast." ~ Unknown |
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Mood Music: "Just Like A Pill" - Pink
Again, busy with life. Getting my deadbeat roommate OUT, and getting a responsible, reasonable person IN is turning out to be a really big PAIN. *sigh* How hard is it to go halfsies on bills? Apparently, for that deadbeat I'm living with (who makes in 2 weeks what I make in a month and a half), she'd rather spend her money buying clothes and other junk to clutter up her room which is already overflowing with crap she refuses to throw out.
Rather than pay bills, which she has left solely to me.
It's alright though. Threatening me with a lawyer does little but speed along my own Small Claims Court paperwork. *stretches* Naturally, she doesn't know anything about the American Justice system, seeing as she is from another country. And since the lease is pretty specific, it's just down to exactly how many nails I want to drive into her paycheck. I'm not a beastly person. I just want rent and utilities owed.
As I get older, the more I find that the karmic wheel spins, no matter how slowly. So, I'll accept the hardship with grace and the bearing of a lady. I'll laugh inside, of course, but once I manage to get her severed off the lease, I wish her all the luck in the world.
But that cruel side of me hopes she shows her tail to the judge. I doubt a judge is going to put up with the same screaming and cursing that she hurls at me. Seriously, I can't talk to her about ANYTHING, without her starting a huge bitchfit on me. Who would have thought that some one could be so childish? This chick is supposed to be 26. She acts like she's 2. No biggie. I'll let the legal system talk for me. And since she refuses to give me her new address, I'll have to have her served at our workplace. I'd love to see what her superiors say when they find out that she's refusing to pay her bills. Personally, I think she's afraid of being exposed for the scam artist she is.
And before anyone lambasts me for falling for a Nigerian money scam, her and I worked together for over a year before we moved in together. So while it may not have been an e-mail, I still got ripped. No matter, the legal system is my home turf.
*yawn* Mmm, bedtime. Felt good to get that out. It's such a stressful thing. I can't wait until I have a peaceful home and good vibes again. |
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Mood Music: "Take It Easy" - The Eagles
Sorry I've not been responding late. Life, you know?
I had all 4 wisdom teeth out today and things are strange to say the least. I'm functional but my jaw is really stiff. Bah, just wanted to post. Have a good weekend, everyone. |
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Mood Music: "The First Taste" - Fiona Apple
Sure she's a little nuts, but Fiona apple has some good music. Funky and different, you know?
So I got to listen to the rain the other night. Soft and smooth, with the cool air bringing in the scent of the wetlands beyond my window. This roof is old but the rain still sounds good falling on it. I think I crawled out around 3 AM and made a cup of hot tea and just chilled on the porch with a blanket around my shoulders to stave off the chill. Don't remember most of it since I was still kinda asleep but I do remember how everything felt. Cool. Tranquil. Motivating. Inspiring!
So when I got back to bed, truly, I know not. But it was good to know that I was the same cantankerous, kind-hearted, angry midget I always am at work a few hours later. I say midget since all but two of my coworkers are taller than me and I work in a building with over 200 people.
And speaking of being back to myself, that wicked sickness I had shook me for 11 hours of purging whatever foul thing I ate from stomach. I learned something though and in honor of that, I have composed a poem:
Stomach acid is yellow
Bile is green
Clean out a new ice box well
Or taste thine dinner again
And it doesn't have to rhyme. I found the culprit. The ice in my freezer was... stinky. No other word for it. No idea what was wrong with it but I cleaned that mofo out to the best of my ability. NEVER AGAIN. Blargh. Of all ailments in the world... I'd rather split all my toenails, have a blinding migraine, run a 103 fever with the chills, have a tick removed from my eyelid, scald my hand, get fiberglass dust in my EYES, do all that crap all over AGAIN than have any sort of nausea or stomach pain. For real. All at once too. I can bear that pain easily. Stomach upset? Shoot me.
In other recent news, my roommate has still not moved out. In other news, she still does not believe in air conditioner. *grumble* If anyone knows a way to keep cool aside from sitting in a tub of ice to stoke the embers of kidney enthusiasts, let me know. She keeps turning it off within 5 minutes of me turning it on! Dammit, I pay rent here too! |
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Mood Music: Anyone know any good songs for feeling sick and queasy?
Aight. I called out sick for the first time at my work. My boss was in a state of disbelief since I never call out for anything. Even though I'll get sick, I'll still come to work and work my tail off. Right now though? I feel like I've really been put through the ringer. I don't want to eat but I know I have to. I don't want to sleep but I know I need rest. I want to take some medicine but I'm afraid it may do more harm than good.
Bleh. |
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* About the Roommate thing *
Alright so, I need a new roommate. My current roommate has decided that the apartment is too small for her (nevermind that she's got a freakton of stuff) merely a month after she signed the lease and has found another place to stay and will be moving out within the next 2 weeks. I've exhausted searching my social circle for a replacement as most of my friends are in leases themselves or married or live farther away. Not to mention my soon to be former roomie is severely intolerant of my lifestyle.
So, I am expecting a few things. For one, absolutely no drugs or criminal activity. That is a given yes, but I want it said for posterity. If I see any criminal activity, you will be turned into the authorities 5 minutes ago. Smoking is fine as long as it's on the balcony and not in the apartment, as per the lease. Drinking... not to excess. I've lived with a drunk before and have zero desire to repeat the experience. I expect rent on time every month. Water is paid on a reimbursement program through the apartment complex. The power is in my name, and I am conservative with both power and water. I'd expect to split these utilities but that can be negotiated.
What is the benefit? Well, I rather like my room in the apartment as it has a lovely view of the wetlands preserve next door so my new roommate would have the master bedroom which includes a private bath. The club house about a block away has a pool, hot tub, and 24 hour gym at your disposal. The apartment complex is not even 5 minutes from I-95 and perhaps 15 from downtown Jax.
As for myself, I am gone most of the day during the week, am very quiet, and respectful of those I live with. About 90% of time, you will not see me unless I am going to the bathroom, the laundry area, the kitchen, or coming or going. I keep to myself, keep quiet, and keep to my priorities in life. I do not drink often save for a glass of wine periodically and do not smoke.
I'd prefer a female roommate but I can settle for a male. I do not want a disruptive person or a discourteous person. You keep to yourself and I'll keep to myself. That does not mean we can't be friends but understand that I care deeply for my privacy and stability.
So bring on the inquiries! |
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For this entry, I decided merely to copy some lyrics to one of my absolutel favorite songs. It's from the anime series Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex. Music by the talented Yoko Kanno and the vocals by Ilaria Graziano. The original is sung mostly in English with some parts in Italian. I copied the completely English translation. Enjoy!
Velveteen
Seeing you in my tears
In my own reflection
I hear you in the wind that passes through me
Feel you in my hunger
You're haunting my ambition
Beautifully destructive attraction
Climbed to zero G's
Now falling like a rock
Drugged and digitized you inside a dream
You are for me... the air that I breathe
My food, the eyes I see with
You're the magic! And I feel
Than I'm in love
Immeasurably and almost intinitely
Live, in my thoughts
A velveteen equation
I find you in my fears
And in my fascination
I taste you in safe water and it drowns me
Paranoid and peaceful
Inside a sweet addiction
Velvety electrical reaction
Soft insanity
And I can't make it stop
Live hallucination within a dream
You are for me... the air that I breathe
My food, the eyes I see with
You're the magic! And I feel
Than I'm in love
Immeasurably and almost intinitely
Live, in my thoughts
A velveteen equation
Magic, this is the great love
Magic, this is the great love
Truly, if you've not heard this song, I strongly recommend it. A very deep piece in my opinion.
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Mood Music: "Drink and Fight!" - Flogging Molly
Gaaaaah, I didn't get this post up quick enough in time for St. Patty's Day but for those who are just now staggering home to check CM, Happy St. Patrick's Day!
And since it's officially the 18th now, Happy National Hangover Day! |
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WARNING: This entry written under heavy cold medicine influences. Blame is shared on this one, aight?
Mood Music: "Cowboy" by Kid Rock
So have you ever sat down and listened to music and a scene popped up in your head? Kinda like how you can listen to instrumental music and you can envisions tranquil naturescapes like a misty cypress forest or a quiet beach at dawn with waves licking the shore ever so softly?
Yeah, well... take the mood music song and add in 2 Dayquil softgels and a few Reese's peanut butter cups. My mind is being deliciously creative at the present.
So I was listening to the first song and I had this manificent image in my mind of me riding a motorcycle down A1A with just a pair of jeans, boots, a leather halter top, and a pair of sunglasses. Not just any motorcycle either. One of those Harley tricycles too. Why not a regular motorcycle? Not sure why my mind selected a trike, but it's got a bit of an appeal to it. Yes I know the song is written for the California area but I'm working the east coast here and I like the A1A scenery in some parts.
*gives a toast to the stars* Cold medicine is a beautiful thing. |
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Mood Music: "Mouth" - Merrill Bainbridge
Joy of joys, today a burden was lifted from me. Being boss lady for a week or so is all fine and dandy but now I am back to assistant supervisor status and I can be myself again. Read: I can now tell someone to piss off and not get into trouble. *giggle*
No reason for the smiley. It just made me laugh.
Bleh, I might add to this later. I just finished cooking and the journal entry I had on the brain just got evicted in favor of dinner. |
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Mood Music: "Spy Hunter Theme" - Saliva and "Rest In Pieces" - Saliva
A nice contradiction in sound. Something loud for when I get home from work, feathers properly ruffled from the sheer number of incidents of idiocy (how hard is it to put the A label on the A box and the B label on the B box?). And something soft and relaxing, kinda sad, but calming and beautiful in it's own way. I took the time to lend respect to my sketch book, something I feel I've lost touch with since life got hectic.
Despite all that, I wanted to point out two particular profiles that were a real treat to read. Those two were en-passant and a new one that popped up the other day: DistantThunder. Each having their merits, mind, but more importantly, they gave me a bit of food for thought. Anyone who knows me knows that I am never truly paying attention unless something has captivated my interest. Selective ADD? Likely. But as I have said before, I may be arrogant but the goodness is that I don't care.
So what were these savory morsels my gray matter got to chew on? From DistantThunder's profile the simple quote of "get up and do what you have to do, because I have done what I can". Maybe it was because I'd been watching Saw IV that night, I dunno, but the phrase stuck in my mind and got me thinking. In truth, you can only help people so much before you are forced to just wash your hands of them. I have a relative of the stepfamily persuasion that insists on partying all the time and being socially irresponsible. Her mother gives her everything she wants, pays her bills, and she absolutely avoids getting a job at all costs. I used to help her in small ways. After her stupidity got her into an accident, I washed my hands of her. The rest of the family thought me to be cold and cruel but you know what? She'd been helped so much that she'd been hindered. She cannot take care of herself and provide for herself. To no surprise, we do not associate. Makes sense, I think.
Then again, one should not believe everything they think either. You may have decieved yourself.
En-passant's journal is a regular read for me. It's a breath of fresh air to see a new thinker out there. I may not agree with everything but I can certainly see the merits of his arguments. The style is forthright and flat-out honest- a trait I would be over the moon to see more often not only around the site but alive and in practice. Not just the written word, goodness no! Straight up face to face, eye contact. I hate it when people feel they need to mince words with me and try to "soften" the blow. Screw the softening. Make your cut nice and clean. I'm notoriously hard to kill (no joke there, I fell down a flight of stairs once and hit all 20 steps on the way down. I broke nothing, injured nothing, and the paramedics were completely confused which made me laugh) and a jab to the side or wherever your cut lands is bound to heal over and I'll probably be back for more later. So yeah, straight-up and not quite as visceral as some journals I read but it doesn't try to be anything but itself, stripped of any desire to be anything more or less than what it is.
That and they both share a certain style that while maintaining their integrity, they manage to make me laugh and smile. Awesome work guys! Muy bien!
And oooh... shiny thing over there. *giggle* |
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Mood Music: "Stronger" - Kanye West
So... yeah. Why is it that after numerous notations in my profiles, I still get one- liner messages? No, one-line messages. Ever. If you cannot type out a decent message to me, then in my mind, I am not worth the effort. That being said, I put great effort into my relationships, especially the ones I wish to keep. Therefore, those who send me one-liners are not worth MY effort and so, shall recieve nothing.
And to those who have messaged me with the notation that I am a "bitch" sub, or that I don't know what it means to be a sub, I sinceraly apologize for not fitting into your definition of a sub. Mind you, human sexuality is a very very complicated thing, as complex as the mind itself. What is submissive or dominant to another may be mild or extreme to another. If everyone fit the same definition then evidently, we would not have such a difficult time finding another. The search is long and hard, but once found, it proves its worth. Effort gone to waste? I think not.
In my mind, I am a switch because I do shift from dominant to submissive moods frequently. Some doms appreciate this quality and others do not just as some subs appreciate it and some do not. But, admittedly, I do tend to range more on the submissive side than anything else. I find joy in giving my significant other a massage, or cooking for him, or running an errand for him, trying different things in the bedroom, etc. That does not mean that I am without self-respect or a sense of pride. I am a strong person, always have been and I always will be. I have an opinion and plenty of ambition that I've used to carve my way into life and where I am now. If such qualities are not to your liking, then pass me by quietly. I'm likely too much for you to handle. *smile*
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Mood Music: "Everyday is Exactly the Same" - Nine Inch Nails
You know, I think I must be the most unwilling optimist in the world. I try to be practical but I can't help but be hopeful for an awesome outcome or some great windfall. Perhaps this is why I would not trust myself with even a nickel in Las Vegas.
At least when life is dismal, it means I can find something to be cheery about. The search isn't very long. There are many small delights to be sampled and enjoyed. A warm bed, a pair of fuzzy chenille socks, nachos at 2 AM, a savored bit of that sesame candy I adore, a snuggly robe, a favorite book, a little bit of awesomeness that makes things a bit nicer.
Oh, and a glass of sweet plum wine with a little dish of cut mangoes and oranges. Muy sabroso~
And to those who have never owned a pair of fuzzy chenille socks, I highly recommend finding some. The absurdity alone is worth it. :)
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Mood Music: "Orestes" - A Perfect Circle
Hmm, I love it when one door closes but another opens. Seriously, helps me in my being fearless and striking out for newer and greater things.
On another note... and this is important because apparently, some folks just cannot get it through their damn heads no matter how many times I say it... when I say that I will not respond to one-liner messages or grammatical chop suey, I mean that I will not do it, no matter how many messages you send. It speaks little about your own brilliance.
And yes, I'm arrogant but the good news is that I don't care either. Telling me to "know my place" is foolish on your part. I know my place, thanks, I am constantly aware of it. Just because I may be primarily a submissive doesn't mean that I am undeserving of respect. I treat all cordially and hold few in high esteem.
Another note, yay for autumn! |
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Current Music: "Look What the Cat Dragged In" - Poison
A note to any subs or slaves or even some doms and masters that may decide to message me. While I am always flattered for people to take the time to read my profile, if you messaged me and did not recieve a timely response or one at all, it's likely because of one of the following reasons:
1. You did not think it important enough to use proper English or grammar. Except to this rule are people who do not speak English as a first language.
2. You immediately asked what my fetishes, kinks, etc were. Or you offered service to me. Or offered to dom me. If you are willing to offer yourself up so freely without even getting to know me, it speaks very little about you aside from the fact that you are only interested in serving your own interests.
3. You sent a one line message. This goes hand in hand with the first thing.
Just as a starter. I may add to this later. Right now, that is forefront in my mind. Asking to cam for me, or asking me to collar you, or anything like that is just silly and speaks very little about you.
Bottom line is this. I base all my relationships on trust and friendship. If I wanted someone only for the satisfaction of my lust, then I'd not have a hard time finding one or two suitable for the job. Seeing though as I am looking for the long-term, this is not something I want. |
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Mood Music: "World on Fire" - Sarah McLachlan
Hmm... change of pace from the Poison post, no? Again! Again work has been kicking my butt and I'm so deep in paperwork that even my ego is getting papercuts. And that is bad when something can do that to your ego. We all know how annoying papercuts are.
So hmm... so far, this site has been fairly useful. I've talked to a few nice folks and found more than my share of nuts in the fruitcake but that is to be expected. Complaints from me? Hmm... I would go full steam but I'm too damn tired to.
In short though, please, please, please attempt to use proper English and grammar. A typo here and there is fine but when "u rite liek this all da tyme", it makes my eyeballs bleed and I'm tired of looking like the Madonna. lol is cool. lmao is cool. rofl is alright. Even the infamous rofflecopter or lollerskates are alright but really, if you send me something in netspeak, I'll be disinclined to read it. Maybe I'm arrogant, sure, but I find that sort of thing abrasive and silly.
*Later now and listening to "Backwater" - Meat Puppets*
So I have returned from work and I'm wore out again from the mountain of paperwork. Why so many backorders on stock in the warehouse? Well, I investigated and soon, the answer appeared before me. The guy who usually replenishes the locations in the morning was out on vacation for the week... and no one bothered to replace him in the meantime. So... yeah, stocking nightmare ensues which mean I am buried under a mountain of paperwork. Hopefully, we'll have all that straightened out by Monday.
I find it interesting that, the amount of "Who's Viewing Me?" tag that goes on. It's a nifty little device that I use to not only read the whole profile but to let someone kind of passively know that "Hey! You look interesting to me!" Because sometimes, I can't really think of any eye-catching way to introduce myself aside from using proper grammar and spelling. That usually catches people offguard, for sure. It's all in the approach, I guess. I need to work on that. |
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OKAY! Operation POISON ME commences!
More to do with me being broke after a landslide of bills. I hate it when life happens but eh, it happens, no? I had set aside money to go to the Poison concert at the Jacksonville Memorial Arena this Sunday and damn it all, but I had some emergency bills that needed to be tended to with said bit of cash. I'm plotting ways to get there... got a few ideas... *nods* My best friends are all drawn tight and I'm still scheming. I'm sure if I did some chores around the house, the parental units would be more inclined to acquiesce to my request. Just need $60. Shouldn't be too hard to pull off.
So... why is a 20-something listening to a band that was in the decline while she was in Kindergarten? Because I started listening to them in kindergarten. Granted, my teachers didn't find it impressive that I was singing "Talk Dirty To Me" and teaching the other 5 year olds to sing it too. That and... well... it's fun music. And it may be my last chance to see Poison again during my natural lifespan (or theirs for that matter). I missed the Guns N' Roses concert last year due to some genius who decided that he would supplement his or her income by stealing my money from my purse at work. Who the hell steals from a security guard? And what does that say about me? Pfft! Anywho, back to the topic at hand. A friend of mine who did see GNR said it was just Axel Rose and proof that he truly has lost his voice.
So! If worse comes to worse and it likely will, I'll do the rowdy thing and grab a friend and go hang out in the parking lot and blast Poison songs from our car. Or I'll have a concert on my compy. Man... One band I've wanted to see for so long and damn... nonetheless... *crosses fingers* |
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So I had a long talk with a good friend of mine who is a bit more knowledgeable about D/s than I am. The conclusion we came to was that perhaps and just maybe I am more switch than I am 100% submissive. Than again, I never claimed to be 100% submissive but I was and still am leaning towards the submissive side. I suppose he takes into account my pride and being headstrong more than anything.
And there is truth in that statement. I am a very proud person and always have been. I work in a leadership position and tend to take command when a crisis emerges or at least relegate command to someone who will be able to get shit done.
I've recieved a lot of mail on here and really, it's been quite the mixed bag. Some have wished for me to fill a dominant role and some wish to quickly bring me into their service. *chuckles* neither approach nor any save for one or two has brought anyone any luck. Call it my pride again but I really do not run across many folks who interest me deeply.
That being said, I gave it some thought and decided that perhaps I had subconsciously reverted back to my switchy self. It also made me wonder if I may even swing a bit further and return to being dominant most of the time. I doubt I'll ever be 100% for any of the three but as my life ebbs and flows, we'll see if I prefer to serve, be served, etc. So I changed my profile to read that I am switch and even provided a journal entry stating why.
But here, I'll impart something a bit secret, a modus operandi that I've been on all my life. A method to socializing with other people. Call it arrogance or pride or what-have-you but all is stated in complete honesty with no intention to offend or rouse any hurt feelings from anyone. In my dealings with other members of the human race, I will greet people genially and kindly. Depending, if I am greeted with rudeness or kindness, I tend to respond with either, if the situation warrants it. I will dominate socially if I can and if I meet a stronger personality, I'll give headway. As such in relationships, there are some that I cannot be submissive to and some that I cannot dominate.
Therefore, the goal is to find someone I can submit to comfortably, not someone to dominate me. Though it sounds like the same thing, some of you will understand my meaning. It is not submission itself I seek but a stronger mind that I respect and trust to submit to.
I'll post more as I collect my thoughts but just giving a friendly heads up to others. |
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Nyahaha... the whiff of management that had vanished before vacation has again wafted through my workplace and seems settled on me. If I attain the supervisorness, awesome, if I do not, then I'll put out my hand to the new supervisor, shake it, and say "Hello! I'm so and so and I'm your second banana!" Really, I don't mind playing second in command. It's much easier and I'm allowed a bit more latitude than most other folks. So however it pans out, I'm at peace with it.
Ah, I've been browsing and musing over various profiles that I've meandered across on the site, some fairly interesting to read, some that made me laugh, others that gave me a bit of food for thought, something that I always appreciate, even if I cannot crystallize my own thoughts in a cohesive, well-written manner. I swear, I'm better suited for writing stories as opposed to writing anything else, even thank you notes or holiday cards. *snickers* Where talent lies, I suppose.
Hmm... off to wander~ *meanders off, zigging into wherever* |
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Ah, I feel vibrant today. Finished work, enjoyed the drive home, and kicked back at home. The vacation starts tomorrow when I visit my best friend for the week. It's a well-needed and well-deserved bit of time off. I kinda feel bad for my boss since we'll be a bit short-staffed that week, what with some of the more senior guards moving on and the new ones being appropriately clueless. At least two of them have a desire to learn the job and want to work. I've no time nor patience for people who do not want to be there, really. If you do not like the job, go elsewhere! Then again, my boss is quite capable. Not sure how capable he'll be without me though... *thinks* I left for two days once for my cousin's wedding, came back Monday and he spent a half hour telling me how terrible that Thursday and Friday were without me. *laughs* Good thing it's relatively slow right now, he shouldn't have any major problems.
Wow, I'm looking forward to this week. Relaxation, meditation, deep thoughts and a neverending bottle of good wine shared with good friends. It's been some time since I was able to see them and spend time with them since we've been scattered to the four winds but I suppose even the winds change all at once and conspire to bring good friends back together. In St. Augustine, no less. I love the old city. It's so rich in history and I'm a sucker for ghost tours and searching for spooks so hopefully, I'll see one finally.
Writing back in a week or so. Maybe tomorrow night, maybe next, who knows? We shall see! |
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| Age: 23 |
| Buffalo,
New York |
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