pyper on Collarspace

2/15/2010 8:34:37 AM

I've never been too active on this site. I suppose I was frightened off when I originally registered. The messages came flooding in, and I didn't know what to do with all of them. No offence to the men who messaged me, but I get overwhelmed and I just stopped coming here. I was also involved in an unusual relationship. It was D/s but it wasn't. I felt somewhat unfaithful to that relationship back when I registered, and at the same time afraid to leave the safety that relationship provided me. That relationship is changing. I don't know exactly where it will go, or how I really feel about it. I love him. Of that I have no doubt at all. I could serve him the rest of my life and be happy and completely fulfilled. All of my doubts at the moment are about me, my ability to be what he needs and wants. And, I know if I obey I cannot fail, I know this--logically. But emotionally, I've been triggered lately, and it has brought up all my insecurities and fears. ALL of them. They're not going away, and I fear, this trigger was something of a revelation. A revelation that I had buried more hurt and pain than I was aware of. We'd had a rough 6 months or so. Maybe it went back even further than that. I'm not sure any more because time seemed to stop for a while. I can see now, I stopped it when I began to bury hurt. I needed to bury it because I couldn't reconcile loving him as I do, with being so hurt. I couldn't wrap my brain around it. I know he loves me, and since that is true, I couldn't hurt this bad. So, I buried it, because I couldn't explain it to myself, let alone him. But recently, when I got triggered, there it was. All the hurt and pain I'd buried. All of it was so much more than I realized. And yet, I still loved him. I still love him. These things aren't the normal hurt and pain. No abuse. No lies. No abandonment [well, there wasn't, but it felt like it sometimes], nothing that women tout as a reason for pain or suffering. So, I have this rush of pain, I didn't even know existed and I don't know what to do with it. It's difficult to explain to him because well, he didn't do it really. I have it inside me. I carry it around with me all the time. Somehow I buried some things that I felt while our problems were going on, but I buried them with all the other real abuse and pain. So, now I can see, while we've been going through this quiet time, in order to deal with it, I buried it. I didn't know I was hurting. I didn't realize that many of the things I did, were all only an effort to survive the pain. I know he had such life altering things to take care of. It's not about his need at all. I did, and still do understand why things happened. What I didn't know was how much I was in denial of the pain it was causing me. Now, we are back to dealing with "us", and I want to go on as if none of my pain ever existed. I want to move on to be with him in whatever way he chooses for me. I want it. But, I'm sitting on all this "stuff". Some of it is just my "stuff", but some of it is "our" stuff. Things we need to address, but I'm afraid. He'll read this. And I know I'm a coward for writing it here instead of writing it all down and letting him read it privately. I don't know why I wanted to do it here. Maybe it was because I new I would edit since it was public. Maybe I can't speak of the deeper pain just yet. Maybe some of it I don't ever want to tell him because I don't want to add anything negative to his life right now or ever for that matter. If I write publicly, I'll be less specific, less dramatic, less pointed. Maybe I don't know how to address all of what's going on inside, and so I'm still able to deny some things if I write it publicly. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to leave this life sometimes. Find some piece of privacy that no one can penetrate. Some safe place, where no one can hurt me ever again. A lifetime of so much pain, none of which he is responsible for, and yet right now, the pain is all intertwined and it's as if he did it all to me. Only he didn't. It's chaos inside of myself, and I can 't sort out the differences. He's not the one who abandoned me. He spoke the truth always. He made rules I could follow, gave me structure to keep me safe. He's the miracle in my life. But I can't seem to distinguish that right now. I buried so much over the past year. So many times when I wanted to say "You're hurting me." or "I can't understand any more." Or "Why are you doing this to me?" I didn't ask, because I knew the reasons, but I never really told him about all the collateral damage that was happening inside of me. I want to be rescued, and yet, I'm afraid to walk out the front door. What kind of slave can I be when I am so lost and so hurt. And that brings me to my biggest fear--that I will fail him.