losthope on Collarspace


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	i am lost within a sea of faces but at least now i know what i have been missing. i drown upon that which my heart desires and that which my mind tells me is best. conflicted, aching, longing for more and yet frightened of it. i am not a lover of pain, and yet so many wish to give it to me for no reason at all. i can be spanked, paddled, tied up, held down, blindfolded and so much more. these things, however, are not what drives me. what does then, you ask as you read my profile, and i thank you kindly for doing so. i long for release, not of the body, but of the mind. i long for someone i trust, adore, perhaps even love in my own way... to take everything i ever was and for that time when i am with him make it not matter a dime. my joy is his joy. my place is to do as asked. my desire is to see you smile down at me and know that i was the one that was able to make you smile. me. insignificant trivial me. who would have thought. it is not wrong to desire humiliation without being demeaned. i know this now, thank whatever god or higher power you believe in. i know now that it is not wrong for me to feel the most free when i am the most bound. i long to have my boundries pushed by a loving hand. to be coaxed to try something new, by someone i trust. to be made to feel a whore for him alone, worshiping his cock while being allowed the privilege to ride his boot. i long for someone who will be my friend, as well as dominant. someone who enjoys spending time with me both in and out of the bedroom simply because he likes who -i- am, sees more than just a submissive to be trained. someone who realizes that w/we are all flawed in some way or another, no o/one is perfect. someone who doesn't expect me to be a size six but does expect me to keep herself clean and groomed because i represent him. someone who realizes that although i am in an open mariage, i -need- this more than the very air i breathe. i'm scared to death and yet i'm so very hopeful now that a window has been cracked so i might see what is outside. i wish i could explain better than that. i no longer want to live my life through the lives of my husbands submissives. i need my own somone to cheerish and adore and serve with every action. why is my husband not my dom. i get this question a lot. we decided when we first met that we would be equals in our marriage and that he would have his subs and i would have my dom. we are happy in this arrangement. we are not jealous people, we are only forfilling that slice of us that was missing.

1/21/2012 5:50:05 PM

Updated my picture! I've lost 20 lbs since the last one apparently. o.o Go me!

1/21/2012 5:47:48 PM

Busy as a bee! I'm still on SL but a lot of things are going on in my RL too. Going in for surgery in two weeks to finally get what I need to help my knees. I'm so excited. \o/ Right now the worst part is the waiting. I've never been a very patient person although I've tried to work on that I epically fail. :(

Anyway, I go in on the 6th, wish me luck! Muwha!

10/22/2011 9:58:56 AM

I just realized today that I've been on this site since 2007! x.x Wow. Anyway, anyone ever hear of Second Life? I've been on that since 2008 and I really like it. Gives you a chance to meet other like minded people that might live states or even countries away. Basically it's a virtual environment where you can be anything you want. Everything from human to a dog to furry to... well anything! Even non-living things o.o

I hang out at forum when I'm there which is a BDSM discussion group, really nice people who take D/s seriously and have open minded discussions every week, usually 3-4 x a week. SL (secondlife) is totally free unless you really want to doll up your avatar into something extra spiffy but I figured I would finally write in this journal and let everyone know about it and send you an invite to come check it out. I can be your tour guide! *flex*


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