You may have heard of the 5 love languages.

  They give people a way to communicate about their emotional preferences about different potential aspects of a romantic relationship.  They are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Acts of Service
• Receiving Gifts
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch

By communicating with your romantic partner about your preferences, you can help them meet your needs more easily.  This is all well and good.  I've used them as an icebreaker rather successfully in discussions with potential partners.  It lead to very meaningful, productive conversations.

But the thing about the 5 love languages is that they are conscious and intentional.  They conveniently omit the fact that there is actually something far more important to people.  You can call these factors the shadow love languages.  People often have unspoken things that they take for granted from their family, and have other-than-conscious expectations about.  When these factors are missing, relationship "chemistry" is less likely to occur.

So, what are these factors?  Here are some examples:

• Anger
• Control
• Name calling
• Bullying
• Abandonment
• Sexual infidelity
• Emotional infidelity
• Physical pain
• Substance abuse
• Neglect
• Humiliation / degradation
• Denial
• Mental illness

Take a moment and think about that.  Do you have a history with romantic partners in any of these areas?  If you do, you may have an issue with being attracted to some of these patterns.  

Personally, I have a history with every single damn one of these things due to my lovely family of origin issues.  I've had to learn how to walk away from people who had these problems and leave them behind.  This was not easy, and very painful.  But if I hadn't learned to walk away, I would not have had room for better things in my life.  Even though I knew that at different levels, this journey has still taken me much longer than I would have liked.

In posting this here, I'm inviting you to become more aware of your history with these kinds of things.  You can also consider both romantic and other relationships that you have and how these kinds of factors might play into them.  This can help you identify patterns that are less healthy than you would like.

Being aware of these things allows you to identify problem areas in your own life and to change them.  It also allows you to think about yourself as other people see you.  Asking yourself "what shadow love language desires to I activate in other people?" can be very revealing.  

Both the shadow love languages you are attracted to and those that attract other people to you present you with opportunities to do healing work that will be rewarding.

Why Erotic Hypnosis?

Why would you use your hypnosis skills in kink?

Probably most people don't think of hypnosis as a people skill. However, it is inherently a humanistic thing; it's about all of us and how we work which has lots of everyday applications reaching far beyond kink. It seems rather silly to me that you wouldn't want to use what you know about people regardless of what the context might happen to be. Furthermore, some people find the feeling of relaxation in hypnosis inherently pleasurable and erotic. And then there are always those who have mind control as a fetish...

What's so dang special about erotic hypnosis, anyway?

Like a lot of things, the initial answer is that it depends. However, almost all of the people I have ever met have better access to their unconscious in some sort of trance state than not. For most people, the difference is immediate and dramatic. The beautiful thing about the unconscious is that it knows us better than ourselves by definition. This also means that in most cases, you have direct access to pleasure centers, inhibitions, and a lot more information and sensations than in a conventional state of mind. That's not to say that you have free access to everything; hypnosis is not mind control. However, people can easily do all sorts of things in trance that they are not used to thinking of being within their conscious capacity.

Well, okay, that sounds great, but isn't hypnosis hard to do?

Actually, the biggest problem most people have with getting into a hypnotic state is that they don't recognize it when it happens, because most people spend most of their lives in trance! Similarly, the biggest problem that most beginning hypnotists have is that expect it to be much more difficult than it actually is. (Stage fright can be another factor.) Most people have had the experience of reading a good book or seeing a good movie, and the rest of the world goes away for a while why they become totally absorbed in the experience. That's what hypnosis is like. It's a slightly different state of mind and focus.

So what do YOU like to do with erotic hypnosis?

Me? Well, if you've already read my profile, you've probably noticed that I'm more of a service top than anything else. That means that generally speaking, I like to take people where they already want to go. But in terms of specific activities, some of the things I enjoy giving people orgasm triggers so that they can come on command, giving people erotic dreams, doing all different sorts of sensation play, doing guided fantasies, and training people to experience deeper and more profound erotic pleasure, among a lot of other things. Along the way, I take a lot of satisfaction from shattering people's preconceptions about what is and is not possible with hypnosis.

Oh come on, what are some of the juicier bits?

Alright, alright! Yes, I have been known to mentally connect women’s mouths with their vaginas so that they get that extra thrill when they go down on me. I also have given women an “orgasm enhancer” trigger that they can say that increases the pleasure of their orgasm. Yes, that’s extra fun for people who enjoy some control. Me: “Be mine.” Orgasm. Them: “Yes, please!” Stronger orgasm. (Are we having fun yet?) For those who enjoy mindfucks and are service oriented, I have them clean up or organize something in the house and forget about it, with instructions to ask me about it and then remember so that I can see their facial expression. For those who have mind control and / or drugging fantasies, I will use a either imaginary drugs (like sprinkling warm water on them) or a “mind control helmet” to wipe out their resistance and replace it with sexual arousal and a desire to please. As always, for me, it’s about taking people where they want to go. And yes, some people are interested in some rather unusual places...

Are there any long term benefits to erotic hypnosis?

Of course! There have been lots of studies showing that hypnosis helps people stay more relaxed leading to long term health benefits. SImilarly, more studies show that people that have more orgasms and a more enjoyable sex life are healthier and happier. However, for people who are really committed to exploring, there are a lot more possibilities that open up. Many healers have written about how exploring your sexuality can lead to benefits that cascade into your vanilla life. Erotic hypnosis is a powerful tool that allows people to explore what their bodies are capable of without having to seek out extreme physical stimuli. (Of course, for those of you that like extreme physical stimuli, more power to you!)

What is Hypnosis?

Quite simply, hypnosis is a process by which creatures reach an altered state. If you think about animals, they spend the majority of their active time immediately concerned with their environment, in the present. They have limited ability to think of the past and future, and abstract thought is quite limited. So, you can recognize that any time that you’re not immediately preoccupied with what is going on around you in your physical surroundings, you are in some kind of altered state.

Yes, of course this means that most people spend more than 99% of their time when conscious in some kind of altered state or another. If I simply ask you “what did you have for breakfast yesterday?” I have altered your state. Of course, as an adult you have lots of experience with those kinds of thoughts, so the odds are that you’re not used to thinking about it from this perspective. If you have ever gotten lost in a good movie / book / song, missed that exit you wanted to take or overlooked a task, you've been in an altered state and hypnotized.

1. Myth: If I were hypnotized, I’d be able to feel it.

Try this: Close your eyes and count to five, then reopen them. That’s what hypnosis feels like to most people initially. Now it is also true that with trust and practice for some people, they will be able to attain deep altered states of substantial physical and mental relaxation that can have significant physiological signs that they will learn to recognize. Most people don’t start off there, however. Furthermore, you don’t need to be able to feel deep relaxation to benefit from getting into a suggestible, relaxed headspace.

2. Myth: I remember everything, so I wasn’t hypnotized.

While hypnotic amnesia is a real phenomena that some people experience, it is the exception rather than the rule. In fact, even when amnesia is suggested to some people, they will still remember everything anyway! This reality is a facet of the fact that you can’t get people to violate their core values in trance. So if your memory is important to you, odds are you’ll hold on to it tightly.

3. Myth: Hypnosis is mind control

Well, no. If you want to look at the most effective mind control we have today, look at advertising, and talk to a salesperson about the tools they use to persuade people. People involved in both sectors can tell you a lot about what works and what doesn’t. If mind control actually worked as it is portrayed in some films, the world would be a very, very different place.

4. Myth: 50% of the population can’t be hypnotized.

This is old information that predates the 1970’s. Earlier in the 20th century, the only known way that hypnotists employed to trance people was to use direct, authoritarian language like “your eyes are getting heavy”, “you are getting very sleepy”, and “you are feeling relaxed now”. However, that changed with Dr. Milton Erickson, who pioneered the use of permissive language like “you might be feeling more relaxed”, “you could find your eyes getting tired”, or “as you breathe more deeply most people feel more comfortable”. With the addition of permissive language and a few other tricks, it is now possible to hypnotize just about anyone.

5. Myth: I can’t be hypnotized.

Most people who say this don’t understand exactly what hypnosis is or have expectations that are out of line with reality. There are a few people who can’t be hypnotized, it is true. Exceptions include people who are already actively psychotic and hallucinating, and people who are using substances that induce an altered state, because they are already highly suggestible. Additionally, young children, and people with developmental disorders like Down’s syndrome are also hard to hypnotize, because they are already highly suggestible.

6. Myth: You can’t hypnotize me if I don’t want to be hypnotized!

Well, don’t think of a purple elephant! What just happened? I just changed what you were thinking with a line of text, without your consent. (Yes, that’s hot, isn’t it?) However, as noted above, I can’t get you to go against your core values under anything resembling normal circumstances. While I can hypnotize you against your will, I don’t believe in doing that kind of thing except in the most dramatic of exceptional circumstances. Generally speaking it’s not pleasant for either the hypnotist or the subject, and it’s a dangerous, high-stakes kind of situation. No thank you.

7. Myth: You are going to make me cluck like a chicken!

Well, unless you’re a chicken fetishist, odds are strongly against it. If that’s what you really want though, I’m not the kind of person that holds people back :)

Holy Shit!  I am actually in a relationship where the s-type wants to submit?

Talk about new turf.  I’ve spent the past ten years in relationships with women who have mostly identified as s-types, but that supposedly essential aspect of “submission” has been sorely lacking.  I suspect that some of this has been an issue with labels, and other aspects of it has been issues with the mental health of myself and my previous partners.

As for the labels part of the equation, I think that it would be great if more people embraced the labels of switch and bottom.  I think too many folks identify as “submissive” who have no real interest in submission.  I think a major part of that may be sexist stereotypes, but I think it even goes past that point into what you might call lifestyle stereotypes.  If you like someone else to have control in scenes and sexually, but you have no interest in actual submission call yourself a sexually submissive bottom.  All good.  However, I think that calling yourself or other people submissives who are not in a position to take the mental and emotional journey into submissive spaces does everyone a disservice to some extent.

I believe that primary responsibility of a dominant is to make a safe space for vulnerability.  The challenge with this comes that people have to be ready for it.  If people already have negative associations with vulnerability, they can react against the space and take things out on the dominant.  Note that this challenge also occurs in vanilla romantic relationships, as well as vanilla friendships.  However, it is particularly ironic in a lifestyle context.  In the past, I repeatedly took on the role of dominant to people who were afraid of submission.  At times, I payed a high price for doing so, which has included things like getting the shit clawed out of me and a cracked rib.  On the flip side, it forced me to work on my issues around why I was attracted to people who did things like that.

In the past, I had come to expect this kind of struggle.  I expected to people to not mean what they said when they said that they were submissives or slaves, and that they were not actually interested in submitting, whether or not they knew that consciously.  This put me in the difficult position of being forced to take them somewhere they claimed that they wanted to go, but would begin fighting me for it, and then blame me for the struggle.  This is not a pattern that most people would choose consciously, but I’ve seen it an awful lot in other relationships in the community.  I think we would all be better served if we valued bottoming more highly and were more supportive of people’s struggle to surrender when it benefits them to do so.

All of this to say that issues of trust exist on both sides of the slash.  We all have a vested interest in working to support each other with letting go with the fears that get in the way of going where we want to go.  It is impossible to be human and not have trust issues, but the kind of shame, guilt, fear, and anger that leads people to take on labels that do not serve them well is particularly problematic.  I wish that we had more opportunities to address trust issues and that both our community and our culture at large was more supportive in resolving them.  

Fortunately, I seem to have dealt with a lot of that at this point, at least for myself.  I’m now in the early stages of getting used to someone who actually enjoys doing what I tell them to for the most part.  For me, this is pretty amazing.  Furthermore, to have someone trust me with their fears and not lash out at me is similarly powerful.  Part of me is still stupefied.  Where has this been all my life?  The rest of me knows that I had to work on my own issues before I was ready for someone who was really interested in serving me.  

I believe that this is possible because I’ve worked so hard for so long on issues around trusting myself.  I've also had to rearrange myself emotionally to shed my attraction to people who haven't meant what they said.  This has not taken me in the directions that I expected to go.  Additionally, it has been a much harder trip than I wanted.  I wouldn’t wish what I have faced on anyone.  However, I am a better person and kinkster because of it.

These are my current classes I am available to present on. Custom content is available upon request.

Basic Erotic Hypnosis

Curious about hypnosis as you’ve seen it in movies on the web? This class will cover fundamental aspects of hypnosis, safety, and the induction process. You will learn the two different major types of hypnotic subjects and how to customize your language for them. Two hypnotic inductions will be taught along with an overview of erotic activities to explore on your own.

Sensation Play with Hypnosis

Hypnosis can expand the experience of kinky play well beyond the direct physical sensations of your toy bag. Whether in or out of a formal scene context, you can open your subject to whatever touch or fantasy you can imagine. This class will give you hands-on practice with several hypnotic techniques that will expand your idea of what is possible in kinky play.

Hypnosis, Shamanic Trance, and Spirituality

Are you curious about the relationship between hypnosis and spiritual phenomena? Examine the relationships involved in meditation, shamanic states, experiences from substances, subspace / topspace / painspace, guided imagery, and past life regressions to gain a deeper understanding of your mind/spirit connection and how hypnosis can work within your spirituality.

Hypnosis to De-Stress

Take a mental vacation and pack a tool with you that requires no baggage fee! Learn basic hypnosis techniques you can take anywhere to help you de-stress and get focused on what you really want. Increase your mood and productivity and be able to take life’s bumps in stride.

Kink Theory and Scene Construction

Want to learn how to construct a scene for maximum effect? Exploring evolutionary theory and hypnotic principles shows us the two primary pathways towards getting the strongest headspaces possible, and how to create the great scenes that you deserve

Calibrated Consent

The issue of "consent" is the core the surrounds all that we do. But have you considered the unspoken realities and touchy issues around consent in authority dynamic relationships? Come explore different authority styles to apply in your life and make your consent fully informed.

Kink and Abreactions: What to do when things go “wrong”

Kinky play can bring up unexpected complications, which can include phenomena many people have never seen before. Familiarize yourself with some of the unusual things that can happen in any kind of kink play, and learn how to respond in ways that will give you the best results.

Basic Body Language Calibration Skills

Calibration helps to establish a baseline of what "natural" body language is for a person. It includes basic body postures, eye accessing cues, and discovering primary sensory channels. Integrating all of these things into your daily life to help you communicate more effectively. Imagine being more comfortable and having an easier time getting the positive results you are after!

Mental Illness Recovery

Mental illness is something that affects almost everyone, either directly or indirectly. Take a deeper look at some common patterns and behaviors so that you can build a foundation for healthy recovery both for yourself and others.

The Nature of Emotions

Many people have emotions that they don’t know how to control, and the consequences can be devastating. Find out what evolutionary theory says about emotions and how to use that information to find peace of mind and construct the life you want.

The Nature of Healing

Curious about how energetic and emotional healing techniques work? This class will take a look at the “big picture” from both evolutionary and spiritual perspectives and help you more fully understand the context that healing techniques exist in.