I wonder if everyone shares the same kind of experiences as they learn and grow with respect to their true self. Does everyone find that it is sometimes surprising what it is that bubbles to the surface? Has everyone experienced the shock of finding that they actually enjoy something they thought would be detestable?  I am very grateful for those who help me grow.

I confess that I am inexperienced in a lot of areas. And because I live in the professional world, things like decorum and politeness are just expected. So I was very shocked when from the very first conversation with one person that has helped me there was a steady stream of degrading and humiliating conversation, pushing to expose my core and draw out things I didn't want to share with anyone. When I asked what the purpose was, this wonderful person explained that it is a way of reshaping expectation and "self perception" and that especially for one with my background, it was an essential part of being reprogrammed to think of oneself as nothing other than what an owner makes of it or thinks of it, and to see oneself as property not person. While intellectually I knew that, experiencing it was an eye opening leap forward. And you know what, it wasn't long before I realized how much I was aroused by it and looked forward to it because it moved me along that path of growth and development.

I have also begun to understand that humiliating acts do the same kind of thing. That my desire to hide those things in darkness actually works against my ultimate desire to surrender and serve. That not wanting people to know or perceive what your are in the core of your being is a form of denial that is extremely unhealthy. While revealing must be done safely, and not recklessly, and while I still must live and function in the real world for now, it is helpful to have gained that perspective. Interestingly, hypnosis has played a role there, as it has been able to make me believe things are true even when ively they are not, and to experience a situation as if it were real. I would not have believed that it was possible to feel a hand that was not there, or to be aroused by a non-existent cock. The mind truly is a powerful thing, and the ability to manipulate it in the right hands is pretty amazing.

This really is an incredible journey. I am so glad I finally got up the courage to begin. I look forward to each new step, and each new descent.

It's funny the way conversations can change the way you think. Some of what has been said at times is downright shocking. Some borders on just plain crazy. But no matter what a person's perspective is, or what their desires are, there is something to be gained - to be learned - from the interaction. I'm grateful for those opportunities.

I'm appreciative of those who have made me stop and think about what complete surrender really means, and those who make me confront my beliefs, and in the process, grow. Some of the ideas have caused me to contemplate things I would never have dreamed of just a few months ago, and to realize that surrendering is giving control over even those things you fiercely protect or defend - or fear -  to another. Trust really is the key.

I realize more now than ever that trust isn't built quickly, no matter how badly I sometimes wish it could be. And that those who are in a hurry should turn on a caution light.  Those that want instant surrender, a giant red light :-)  Trust simply can't be forced. 

I'm also starting to explore hypnosis a little bit. It seems to have some interesting potential to help rewrite the script that is getting in the way of yielding control of everything to another. If you have experience with using it to reshape behavior and beliefs, I'd love to learn more.  Drop by and share.

First, let me say I am grateful to those who have welcomed me, and who have sincerely been interested in helping me more forward in my journey.  Some of the questions and thoughts have been of tremendous value.

For those that have pointed out that being on hands and knees 24/7 really isn't practical, i couldn't agree more. As much as that has been the open door through which my exploration has begun, it isn't my desire to live on all 4s all the time.  I think in large part is the metaphor of the animal that is of value.  For most of us, the relationship that we have that best represents an master/owned relationship, its animals.  They give us unconditional love and acceptance, obedience, pleasure, and in some cases serve our needs and provide economic value. They clearly serve at our pleasure, and are fully surrendered to our will.  It's a relationship, and makes both lives more than they could have been without the other, but there is a clear heirarchy, and the animal (unless its a cat LOL) takes great delight in pleasing its owner.  It's this power exchange that is the appeal to me. 

Lactation is so intimate and erotic for a woman because she is giving from the depths of her body. It is this deepest gift that really holds the appeal. I've also learned that there are more benefits to others than I knew about before. I had no idea that there was a commercial market for breast milk, which can make lactation an economic benefit.  I had no idea that goat milkers were compatible with human breasts, or that they can be used to greatly increase capacity.  Or that one of the pleasures some people derive from the use of the goat milker is the humiliation and dehumanization of serving the machine. I've shared with some about how lactation becomes the center piece of life in many ways - requiring attention to hydration, and controlling diet so as not to flavor the milk in undesirable ways, and to expressing milk regularly to avoid it becoming uncomfortable, or worse, to leaking all over your shirt.  Interestingly, this led to a discussion with two separate people about the humiliation value of leakage, and the joy they derive from that.  In one case, they suggested conditioning to a trigger so they could control it and cause it to happen.  Who knew that people had found such creative ways to enjoy lactation!

I've also been asked a lot about what 24/7 means to me.  So its worth addressing here.  Surrender, in my view, is not a sometimes thing. You either are, or you aren't.  It doesn't really matter what I am doing, even continuing to work, once surrendered, it is an all the time thing.  That doesn't mean I need to show it to the world at all times.  I'm perfectly capable of being in the world and negotiating it while still being surrendered, and then continuing that surrender in other ways that you enjoy at home.  Would it be nice for 24/7 to mean that it wasn't necessary to have a foot in both worlds - sure.  But practically speaking, that isn't likely to happen. And that's perfectly ok. I don't view it as part time just because it is that way.  What it does mean, though, is that I'm not just interested in those who want to drop by for a swig of milk.  It isn't the kink that appeals so strongly to me, its the relational dynamic.  I will enjoy the kink as much as you do - but it isn't the thing that drives me.  I want, and need, to surrender. To become something better than I can ever be on my own.