I miss having a car....I miss my car....I still havta deal w/insurance adjustors etc, And I have noooo clue what Im even supposed to tell them, I dont want to hire an attorney cuz what I do get, wont be that much, since my car was an 02...the KBV is only like $4000 plus I have hospital bills, meds etc..Lost work....Not to mention, its been crazy...I never thought anything like that could happen but all I can hear is the sound it made when they hit me and how fast it happened...I felt it but not as much as you would think, later though, the pain got very bad but as it was happening, I dont know, I guess it was the whole adrenalin thing....I was rear ended by a TWC Van going at ful speed, and my car which is an Civic, was completely stopped, I had a turn signal on he just wasnt paying attneiton i guess, i dontknow, it happened so fast, anyway, it determined destiny thats for sure...I feel like Ive lost everyhting, people keep teling me Il be okay Ill be ablet og et a car etc cuz Time Warner Cable, is a company soo they wil l try to settle, but I hear I shouldnt take the first but the second...Sooo much to deal iwth, and nobody toe ven talk to about it...It sucks, I just need a friend right now, someoen to listen.

Still sore..and I miss my car...It had so much emotional meaning...Eveythings screwed...Zbut times like this show you what really m atters and what doesnt...I just wish I had a effing hug right now....I wish somebody was here to tell me things were okay, I wish I felt comforted.

Sleepy but not sleepy....maybe bored????????????

Crappy Wednesday At Work....Feeelin like shiit....Havent been active much this week, I guess im feelin blaaah-like. Kinda depressed...I used to live in the City where dreams come true...Since moving back home, nothing goods happened...Okay well I take that back, Ive achieved a lot....My job is stable..its my single-most, best accomplishment, and I have more success at my job than I do any other area of my life....I guess thats somethin to be happy with but still, its just not enough....Is not enough to have drama all tha time..Its not enough to chill and things just keep bein like they always are....One thing is inevitable, and thats change...People grow and change throughout life...Who I was when I was 20 is not who I am at 32. Not even close. Ive found that life flies by, and a day seems like a second. Sometimes it would be nice, if we could keep people the same...If so, I would still be completely in love with my sons father...I would feel something other than anger, hurt and hate...I never used to understand the love hate line...Unfortunetly I found out how you can one day love someone and then one day you cannot...It took years...for us to get to where we are today. We used to be happy, we used to have each others backs...I wish I could find that again...Not with him, that was destroyed...THe last time we were happy with each ohter, we lived in Cali...when we moved back to NC our life fell apart....But I want that again. I dont wanna have to beg someone for attention, i want them to just wanna make me feel important, or cared about...Its kinda like with our customers through work..we try to make them all feel valued and its the same way..I wanna feel valued....Just sayin....ily

Good Morning Wednesday!!!! One day closer to my vacay and still just as confused as ever....wtf am I supposed to do...I guess Ive gotten my answer, I cant even get a txt back..sooo wtf am I even taking a vacay for....oh yah, I remember, cause its already prepaid and I cant change it...I guerss to there is a smalll ch ance....soooo...Why do I have a feeling its not going to mean shiet....Blaah this fucking sucks ass....All I wanna know is what to do and I cant even get a txt back to tel me? Im not a mind reader and when I see a girl online talking about you, It kinda makes me wonder, how the eff he is going to even have time to try with me.....

*sigh* pointless I guess....

Cookout with tha neighbors...Tons of fun...Everyone in tha neighborhood came...I realized @ that moment, My life really is awesome....I love every second of it...And its to short to waste time on some bs...i smiled a lot, I laughed a lot, and I had an awesome day....BLESSED :)

On top of my $ not being right, today was an all around crappy dreary, rainy stormy day...blaaaah, sooo now $ caused everything to be effed up and yes, Im sure Ill get told thats another excuse when its not, buuut, whatever...blaaah, I shouldnt have mixed business with friendship and Id have had it nooo problem :(

Blaah...Just wanna go back to bed...fucc it, ive had tha worst day, well maybe not tha worst, cause ive had a lot worse ones than this, but its not a good one, i just feel blaaah-like, but its all good...I give a fuccccc but its all good :(

Geeeez.....Yah, he got it......my heart, not that it matters.....still, he definetly has it....and thats not bullshiet

Hmmmm Cant figure out howta get video from my phone to my email, i can do pics w/one to touch.........

DEFINETLY ONE OF MY WORST DAYS :( OWWWIE...It hurts...My heart that is :(

:( WHat a choice hanging over my head...this hurts to much to even begin to explain

Feelin sick...Feelin hurt...I wanna be anywhere but here but I cant be...Supposed to be happy..I chose the way I felt it was right, but why does making the right choice for my son have to hurt so bad...its finished, its over, i cant change it, he believes what he wants, even though hes dead ass wrong about one thing...whatever, I understand where hes comin from at the same time....ily boo, cuz i really do, but, your right, today i couldnt put you first, yah i know its not the first, or even second time...but still boo...cant ya understand im tryin so hard to make it to you, but its done, i wont bother him again, not that he cares, not that he cares how much the choice hurt me, not that he cares how i feel right now...yah im pretendin to be happy but am i happy? not at all..he was the best thing, that almost happened to me...and because of bs in the past, and me having to choose today, but i was honest, i was straight up and i didnt bullshiet and i told him why...but because of that...everythings ruined...how can that be..he doesnt even want to be my friend...why does it matter, why does it hurt, why am i even sayin how i feel, it simply doesnt matter...its as easy as that, that it doesnt matter...but to me it does...i effin hate today, i effin hate everday, but i have to pretend not to, i have to pretend to be happy and cheerful and live in my soccer-mom-world....He became so much more real to me today, by saying one thing....his daughters name...i effin cried almost cause i knew what choice I had to make and where that was going to lead to..I always wondered, stupid sounding I know, but since my son is my entire life, i always wondered...i knew he had a daughter...and he should realize, how fast kids grow up and my son is seven and he would have remembered the rest of his life what I did, if I would have left him today...if it was any other day....anything other than breaking My sons heart...So, the sweetest thing he could have did, before of course, breaking my heart, which i knew was going to happen...was mention her..because, at that moment, he was exactly what I had always dreamed of...THE GUY...who was also...A DAD...At that moment...welll....maybe someday....I wanted the life with him....I just wanted us to be parents also...maybe kinda together...but, he didnt want to ever leave an option for that...To bad hes not that guy..To bad he cant find a way to combine, the world I dream of having with him...along with being a parent....Along with being a family...GD I would have chosen him in a second...I really would have....would....

Thinkin bout deletin my acct...Im not findin anythin but trouble...maybe if i forget this site and everything it means...then i can avoid trouble...hurt...being upset, having to put people before my family..Ive gotten to comfortable on here...I treat this site as if it were facebook...And its not...everyone is different...everything is different...And I really have no reason I should even have submissive in my profile, beacuse, evidentally...Im not...Im indepdant, Im strong minded...but the most important thing....Im HAPPY....No I dont have what I dream of...but maybe thats the whole point....Its not my life...But there seems to be a lot of people here who it is....I LOVE It....But, IVE NEVER DID IT...I dont undrstand how to drop my life for someone Ive never met...When....Theres no chance for a future there...and...Not to mention...What about the things I dont know about them....and that can be said for me to...I know that I have a lot thats been unmentioned...MAJOR shit. I know Ive not always been HONEST...but if you see something you want...wouldnt you do anything for it? Well, I thought I would, till it came down to it, and well...I failed, but maybe theres a reason...Maybe its not whats meant to be...I accept that...I am not happy with it, but i accept that...What i wanted, seems impossible, my idea, is not what his idea is...I think hes sexy as hell though, and id have sex with him in a second.....but our dreams, although similiar, have differences, that are just...Very different. And, I have a #1 and he still doesnt get that...When i sit down and think...Really think...Minus the feelins I have about the possibility of spendng time with this person in the bedroom....Then....it doesnt add up...Hes a effin dad....Can he not understand Im a mom...What he should say is, I understand you have a son, spend time with him...Hit me up da next day boo, okay not tha exact words but you get the point...How as a dad can he not recognize that the love of your child will in the end outweigh all. So...thats whats up..it is what it is...Im out....Gonna go back to keepin it Gucci...Chillen in da black Escalades w/tha rims bumpin..tha neighborhood Superstars...Peaceeeeee

Why does he think it seems like a game to me? I dont get it...but, I guess he sees something I dont see...Im just a person with tons of problems which they keep getting worse as each day passes. He thinks its excuses and bs....But, does he really know what Im going thru? Maybe he does, Maybe he knows more about me than I think he does, or maybe Ive told him to much. I dont know. Maybe I really have no idea what Im getting into when I say the things I do, about something Ive never done. Im the most normal-everyday-all-american-ghetto-prncsz- I have a awesome stable job...Awesome friends..but thats where the simplicities in my life stop. Its the fight or flight syndrome, and lifes about learning to adapt in different circumstances. The thing Ive not talked about with him....The subject we never even touch on...Is my son...And that, I know right there....Is where Ive went wrong..So, he wants honesty..thats honesty...My sons my world...Hes my mini-me in everyway, and my son is the most important thing to me. His happiness, will always come before mine...so therefore, I cannot always make the choices I want to make...I made my life not about me, the moment I had my son. Hes my life...He loves me unconditionally in a way that nobody else would....Hes fiercly protective of me. Hes seen to much. Starting the week he was home from the hospital. Dont take that to mean he hasnt been happy...Hes as spoiled as I was...He has everything....Flat Screen TVs, every handheld you could want, 2 gaming systems hooked up to the interent...He looks like a football player yet hes a Soccer Star :) I love being a soccer mom...My happiest times the past year were spent on the soccer field...My son played Goalie...He could stop anyball, and even though cause hes built like a football and wasnt as fast as some of tha littler players..He has tha strongest kick so if he gets a shot at the goal, its done for! When his dad lets him down, I have to put what I? want aside and do whats best for him...And, that....Is the downfall of what I havnet mentioned, and the reason I have not..Is because, weve never touched on the subject much...of my son. Why cant I have both...I dont understand that..whys it so impossible..

Awesome and well appreciated advice...always good :) Its soo early morning Thursday feelin...oh wait, it is early mornin Thursday :) Hmmm today should be a good day...Small-step day I guess....It doesnt seem signifigant to me, but, thats to me, maybe to him, it is...we shall see...What do I really have to lose????? Birds are singing and I wanna go back to bed but thats sooo not happenin....Hmmm I havta go flat iron my hair instead for work...fun fun...good thign is today wil be a gravy day cuz almot our entire hotel is full of CSX...who will leave b4 I even get there for tha day and dont come back till I leave sooo I go to work an play all day...okay not play like I wanna play with him....but play as in sit on my cell phone....Gotta love a droid!!!!!!!! I lived w/out one till this past spring...I sooo love mine though! I missed a txt from my very most favorite-i-hope-all-our-dreams-come-true person last night :( I was sleeepy though, cuz I swam 20 laps...yaaah try it, its not soo easy, if your sittin sayin that isnt shiet at tha pool, walked, then got my ass stung by a bee...it would stop hurtin then start hurtin like i just got stung all over again! Anyway, I lost three lbs over tha past couple weeks, yaaah! i was happy :) Of course im drinkin water & unsweet tea & diet mtn dew....instead of mtn dew an tea....blaaah, buut, it does help :)~  ♥ jpw.......

Swimmen - Dominos Pizza & Wings....Then I got stung by a bee...twice, once on my neck an then on my back...owwwwieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Good Day Sunshine!!!!!! Kind of atleast....Day one down, four to go :) Bored Bored Bored!! I think Ima go swimmin tho...I need tha sun...tha exercise prolly would be good for me to :)~ Lunch was awesome..Jersey Mike's sandwich trays for all tha employees there cause sometimes, especially when the hotel is doing awesome like it is this week, our employers hook us up...so they fed all tha hskp, maintenace an office staff today. Right now I feel a lot like somethin is missing and I just hope Im looking in the right place to fullfill it. Im going to kinda take a risk, see if it pays off...I hate taking risks...they scare me, I second guess everything...Im sooo not a leader, hmm I guess thats why im submissive....Anyway....its not that I dont believe in this person...Because I do...With every ounce of hope I have...But im not a good risk taker....Sooo I hope he will show me the good that can come of it. I never realized life would be so hard to figure out...It would be nice to be a kid again and well since im in my early 30's..being a kid could be being twenty years old again! Everything was so easy and decisions werent that hard.  Everything I do now, has a huge impact on my life as well as others...And I want to make the best decisions for everyone in involved...basically Im hoping I dont get my heart broken into a million pieces and lose everything, by taking a chance on something that Ive always wanted. It would be the most terrible thing I would think, that for this to be my destiny and my scared azz missed it because of being scared...what if I had found the person that Im supposed to! Im a big believer in love - happiness - and that everyone will find that person eventually....Some of us just take way longer and its harder to find them...But, what you would feel between each other would be worth all the wait and cost. blaah Im rambling, about my favorite subject...love...of course love for me, is kinda twisted :)~ but, I dont give a eff about a booty call...I care about something, that will be there...someone I can trust....

Good Morning Wednesday!!!!! Cant I just go back to bed...its 5:30 & Im just not finished sleeping.....hmmm thats soo not an option soooo I guess Ima go get ready...I slept soo good last night, it was a perfect rainy-stormy night....perfect snugglin, cuddlin...and playin weather...of course, there was noo snugglin cuddln or playin cuz, he isnt here :( Maybe someday right?????? Or Id be happy with flippen it up an bein there......its awesomly beautiful....thats a wish and a dream faaaaar away from my reality soooo with that said, Peeeaccccccceeeeeeee :)~ When it comes to him, I soooo ILY

Rainy - Boring - Lazy Tuesday night...To bad today is a back to reality today....Yesterday was all to fun! Nothins to do...I was gonna burn a cd but I cant think of anythin to burn soooo thats my luck! I could go to sleep early but then 5 AM will be here all to early 2morrow....Sooo hard to get up that early! Second shift days are the easiest..I guess if I had something to look forward to Id like first shift, but, I look forward to feeling alone....but things suck! Do you live your life outta convenience or do you risk it all for the chance at happiness...Thats a serious struggle!

Thinkin off :)~ Booored!!!!!! Especially for a Tuesday, I wanna go get more sun though sooo Im goin to tha aquatic center later...Nothin else to do! Everythin is done :) Okay well mostly done...I kinda procrastinate when it comes to actually puttin up my laundry...Doin it not so bad, hanging it up or foldin it in drawers...not my best thing to do :) The whole time yesterday I kept seein happy people...And kept thinkin, I want that...I am tired of feeling like I am completely alone! People that are happy smile around each other...they laugh, they hug, they play with each other...And thats awesome....And Im tired of not having that! Just sayin...Its nice to have someone who thinks ur cute & wants to play an have fun, even when ur hot with no makeup with ponytails, playin in tha pool lookin noot so dressed up. Why cant I find that, an combine it with a lil sumthin else, to have an awesome life?????? Thats wha I want....

Owwwwie...Im sooooo sore today....Of course I did spend 10 hours @ Carowinds having tha bestest time with my mini me.....I can soo feel it today though..I feel like doing all of nothing although I have 2 much to do soo thats not happenin....I did get nice sun though to :) Yaah! 2mar is back to work sooo better enjoy today :)

I worked in tha mornin & played tha rest of tha day at Carowinds....Although my mind was much farther west than Charlotte....Somewhere more hilly....with more trees...That kinda thing :)~ and pretty much that is where my mind stayed...no surprise there...I got tons of sun...Had loads of fun....Seen a show....Stayed for tha light show...Glad I went....It was for my son...We dont have a lot of quality time together soooo...It was a promise Id made...And, I always keep promises...Or I try my best...Still though...My mind was somewhere else....Can it be July 4th already??????? Just sayin :)

Unexpected & Interesting Sunday....Bojangles Sucks Azz...Hardees should serve breakfast till noon..soo ended up back at tha same place, but its soo awesome soo that part of my mornin was good....Walkin @ tha duckpond & Feedin tha ducks..Cool...but I feel lazy an I wanna proscrastinate today! I dunno why. Still undecided on if Im goin to Carowinds 2morrow...Probably I will, there doesnt seem to be anything else going on...LOVE LOVE LOVE my new clothes an stuff...Birthday Shiet :) Beach soon! I cant wait for that...Since I work for a hotel chain, I get a sweet azz rate, so the room cost is  low then I just pay with giftcards I get from the reward points...and its free :) My lifes honestly awesome....I just wish I could find tha right person to share that with, but, everything comes with time and nothing is instant so....I chill and I take time...no matter how much time...Cause, in the back of my mind, I know it will be worth it. When you spend 7 to 8 years completely unhappy, minus a year or two here and there...Its hard to figure out how to open yourself up again to someone, and, if you meet someone, who you feel like you can, then, thats worth taking the time, to find out. Nobodys life is exactly as it seems, and if you believe that, then, your naieve...and, thats something Im not...In every different chapter of my life I have seen things, most people have never seen, even though I am spoiled...Im very unsheltered...I am, the realist princess youll ever meet...and thats not an understatement or overstatement, thats a fact. I like talking to a lot of people..thats why Im awesome in the hospitality industry....and that carries over to my personal internet..whether its here of fb...or anywhere...but...that doesnt mean any more than that...unless your one of a very small # of people...Sometimes people make assumptions and dont know whats accurate...Sometimes they are just random...I dont even know what I am....Im just trying to find me....I know what I want...

Good Morning/Afternoon Saturday...I slept soo good, but not long enough :) Late breakfast @ a local restaurant thats like tha place everyone where I live eats breakfast, cause its sooo good. Being Lazy till 3...Hmmm Id LOVE a nap but thats soo NOT happening...but I can be lazy for about another hour before I havta dry an straighten my hair etc an get ready....Thinkin about goin to Carowinds Monday haven decide yet....Im soo ready for "my weekend"...Saturdays are kinda like THursdays for me...One more day after today :) My jobs awesome though, and a lot of fun sooo going to work is actually almost as fun...Just doesnt have the laziness-factor where I can chill :)

Busy night at work...it was slow for a couple hours but other than that, tha night flew by...Definetly not complainin...IT just means Im closer to my summer vacay :) Tommorrow looks to be as busy...maybe more so then Sunday thru tha beginnin of July were slammin...an mostly sold out!!!!! LOVE it! Now is when my job is really fun :)   Tha Sunset at work tonight was absolutely beautiful...the sky was sooo vibrant with color...I wish my cell phone took good pics, I got a few but the picture didnt pick up the color...Shoulda had my digi with me. Thinkin about goin to Carowinds Monday, unless something better comes up...I have absoltuely nothing to say and have no clue why Im posting a journal entry....Shows how bored I am :) Im just a geek-like-that I guess :)~

Another Day and nothing :( Sad Sad Sad Sad....DId I mention sad?????????

New....5 for $25, boy shorts....Sundress....And two cute azz shirts.....Yaah, tha one thing that did go right today! :)

Dear Suck-Azz Thursday...I could have did without the 17 ppl who stayed over that we didnt have rooms for since we have a church group with us...I could have did without the "chair" thing today....I could have definetly done without mistaking a $20 for a $100...Not to mention the drama in between...I could have did without my crazy azz mfing neighbors tripping on me for no apparant reason? I could have did without the ticket I got a few hours ago, when I was only going to the duckpond to walk! Along with all the things Ive had to do without, I could have used a few things...I could have did without, not wanting to talk to a person who I cant, or who just wont...I should know....I should get the point....I just am to stubborn I guess, I could have did without getting my heart broke into a million and one pieces to, by the one person who, knows every single button to push and how to push them to make me explode...To bad hes not into bondage...wed probably have a kick ass relationship...Noo luck there, not in any way thats for sure.., plus hes just not into me, to much history, to much drama..Weve both within the past year moved on...Its just crazy....And im not into him either...sooo, that about sums that up....I just dont get it...Like, How do you find, tha one person who, makes you incredibly happy...Where is he....Where oh where oh where! Its being painfully, and I do honestly mean painfully, obvious, that, I cant have him...Tonight at the duckpond when I was walking I kept thinking how happy I was, just to talk to him, tha complete happiness I felt, thats such a great feeling...and that was just from talking to him, with crappy cell phone signal but at that moment, when I did, I felt nothing but complete peace and happiness and like, tha whole world could possibly be okay...Unfortunetly I havent talked to him much since then,  I knew that things would be to good to be true...It was just to good ya know.....Just wish I knew what I did...I tried to do everything right, but maybe its not me, or maybe I wanted it to much....If you think about it, its entirely possible to want something so much and get so excited it, you eff it up...I think I did that...Or maybe it isnt me, Maybe Im okay, maybe its him, either way....I know whats not happening right now...I still have hope...Things still may happen but, I dont know...I just dont feel like hes feelin me right now....I wish I could change that. Going to Carowinds on July 4th...Beach at the end of July...I should be excited, but Im just not...Summer just, isnt looking so great right now....Somethings missing....and I wish I knew how to find it...

Dear Day...Week.....Please go away!!!!!!!! Nothing goes right, PRoblems at work PRoblems at home....Why cant I just be happy why cant one thing go right, I feel like im always sayin that, but its true...One little mistake could have destroyed the three years Ive worked hard for at work...Luckily I caught and fixed the mistake but still a really really bad day overalll...I feel like with everything I Try..Whether its here or there or wherever..I try and try and it seems and feels like the bad keeps adding up...Everything was going sooo good for soooo long and now, it feels like things are just effin up...The last thing I would have expected is for me to make the mistake that I made today....And I dont get it, how I could do that....How could I make a mistake that oculd amost cost me everything

:( Sooo I checked my phone all night again an yet nothing, and its been nothing for a week for the most part, should that tell me something???????? This soo sucks, you can make someone whos not interested in though....but i know if i could just spend time with him that would change, i just dont get it...why....whatd i do wrong? what do i do right sometimes? *sigh* why can i not get just one chance, one day....all im asking is for is that...

Dracula on Netflix :) Chillen cuz its sooo hot outside!!!!! I needa get busy tho, kinda an uneventful day, well not completely though so I am happy with whatever I can get...all I can do is be positive, focus and keep trying...

When you need me Ill be here

When wanted Ill be near

I want to get lost with you forever

Hopefully you will not say never

Dedication, that you already know

I want things to definetly grow

You make me feel things I never knew

Everyday with you, would be something new

I dont want to push you away or make you mad

But when I get nothing, it does make me sad

I dont know the reason, or understand why

But for some reason with you, all I want to do is try

You already have a part of my heart

So soon I know, but, its been yours from the start

Four years, and you still are on my mind

I really believe, its sort of like a sign

Everything points to you

I just wish, I had a chance, to prove myself to be true

I wonder if, I will be enough

Ill be yours when you want me, no matter how rough

The things i dont like, I will accept to

For life as yours, is all I want boo

♥jpw

Today made me think a lot...Sometimes you have to do that, to realize how bad you want something...if that was the point of today, then it was a lesson well learned..because I do...want it so bad...I will do whatever it takes... no matter how much humility, and sacrifice I have to make and be shown to go thru that, then it will be worth it in the end...Ive wanted this for so long...today served the purpose of showing me exactly how much I wanted it...and maybe that is what was needed... ♥jpw

GDit why the eff did I miss tha txt on my phone....Why did I havta decide to take a shower at 11:15 @ night, I sooo effin suck ass....My luck....blaaah, all I dream of and all Ive ever wanted, and Ive never wanted or been so ready for somethin in my life and I keep missin it????? HOw can that be......What can I do.....Why cant it go right, I dont wanna wait anymore, Im tired of waiting :( But im determined....I dont give up...and Iwont give up...I wanna believe so Im going to choose to...That my dreams can come true...Everyone has to believe that right???????

Not tha best day...I wish I was in tha mtns like I was supposed to be :( Instead of sitting here bored..blaaah!

Facebook Rocks!!! Not that this site doesnt to, but its officially been my birthday for 17 min now and I have tons of Happy Birthdays....I love feelin tha Love :)~ Especially since Im lackin it lately!

Good Morning Sunday..Whyd I havta wake up still sick...I hateee being sick, I really suck at it...Its soooo beautiful outside...Hmmmm Going to Hardees for breakfast an then nothin till work...THings r kinda good kinda bad...I guess Ima just give up on what I cant have, why keeep on right, well thatll all change of course....Cuz well.....I dont know why, that part I cant figure out, why the hell do I even care ya know....It would be a lot easier for me if I did not...Im here, hes there...Evidentally we both have pretty complicated lives....So why am I worrying about it....Why dont I worry about something else, or the life that I have, why am I so fixated on him????? Why cant I just be happy sittin poolside, enjoyin tha summer, goin to tha beach....Why cant I prioritize with whats already in my life...i cant though, I check my phone constantly....I believe in tha stars an moon, fate etc...Im kinda like a dreamer type of girl, you cant tell me somethings impossible cause Im going to prove that it can be done....my friend michelle who moved to europe last month used to tel me, doors realy never shut with you and its the truth, I believe in teh impossible...I miss her a lot, she was my bestest friend, she lives in the Hague now..She met a guy from there 10'ish years ago, they spent a decade talking and he came here in 2010 and they got married but he couldnt find a job here so he wnet back home and she applied for citizenship there...And it ended up going thru and shes there now...I miss havin my bestfriend though, nobody to go get frozen coffee with..SHe was also my weekend night auditor at work soo I miss her comin in after me on Friday an Saturday nights, we had a lot of good times, and now i dont even hardly talk to her...It sucks ass...anyway I guess that good cuz now one day in a few years I have a reason to visit Europe...THeir village is sweet and it is that, a little village, a long way from NC...i dont know how she left though, i Love NC...Of course I did leave to, I lived in Cali for three an a half years but Ima country girl soooo I came home :)

Hmm sooo Its been pointd out to me by some old azz dude old enough to be my dad, all I do is whine everyday, welllllll eff him, its my profile, my journal and ill type what i want, I have his whine right here...old azz mfer! Im sure if he was face to face to me, hed be kissen my azz soooo its all good....But anyways...Im bored.....Trying to plan things...Confused...Happy...Sad...Sick....What I think I need...is to be poolside right now..To bad tha aquatic center is closed...somehow  I can figure out everything good and bad in my life, when Im poolside :)  I should go to bed, I should say eff it and forget it..I cant though...Blaaah to myself for not being able to....And blaah to tha haters..Im tha sweetest bitch youll ever meet :)~

Im home but im sad :( why i dont know...I seen tha most amazing sunset after the storm tonight but my droid doesnt take the best pics so I couldnt capture the colors...I have literally checked my phone probably 20 times in the past hour or so, just to make sure I dont have a txt...wtf is wrong with me...I dont get me....Why Why Why..I think I said that before didnt I?? I never knew someone could get into your head like that, of course there is alot I dont know...sooo much I dont know...But Im sooo ready to learn...I really am...I feel like shiet, If Im not better Im soo going to the dr, I cant breath, my nose is completely stopped up I have no taste...Remember Id id say I was a baby when I was sick :)~ He needs to come here and baby me :( thats waaay wishful thinkin. Its hard to want what isnt yours, or what you dont belong to I guess if its on this site...It realy is, I suck at it...minus the ants, tables and umbrellas int ha pool, it was an uneventful night at work...except for tha one guy who wouldnt let me hold his license or cc cause he said I sounded siccer than hell, crazy....He hada show em to me...I dindt even cough once in front of him, of course as soon as he left, i coughed so much i gave myself a headache!!! 

I slept late, Im bein extra-lazy and still....IM sick.......I hate being sick, Im a complete and total baby!!!!! And I havta work today, fun times! I do have another hour an a half that I can do nothin with and thats what Ima do...Nothin...

I wonder a lot of things sometimes...When I get to know somenoe I like to know things like..are they someone that I can ride 4wheelers in da woods with an chill @ tha water with...Cuz I am a dirt-road type of girl when it comes down to it...Its kinda like a where I came from thing....but I can be ghetto as hell to sooo I can flip it up :)~ I wanna know tha basics, because unless your just lookin for some daym booty, tha basics are pretty important! Im definetly not lookin for a hook up or booty...Thats easy to find, I come into contact with entirely to many ppl...but I dont realy want that....

My lifes complicated right now and Im not sure of anyone who would like to try to understand, not to mention, help me figure it out...and how could i expect that of someone I dont know..

But I am lookin for someone real, to be friends with and if something else happens then its awesome, but, I wanna atleast be tha girl ud chill with...

Hmmm kinda ass backwards for this kinda site, but, if you think about it, its really not...

Because if you cant chill an kick it together wtf, r u really gonna have together other than that??????

I cant chase someone who isnt available and is halfway interested, but you know...Im semi unavailable to cuz im confused, Im just on tha way to being available, im not so sure he is...probably were exactly alike...more alike than either of us may even realize...or maybe were not, but daym I wanna find out, but I dont know hes lookin for everything that I am...and I dont know, if Im ready and able to give, what I am lookin for...Kinda confusin right?????? Be glad you dont havta deal with it, it sux, thats about all I know :)

Uggggh I know I keep sayin it but I feel woooooorse!!!!!!!!! BLaaaah, I cant breath now....How is it, that its tha most perfect time of year and Im this sick...It cant be from tha Aquatic Center can it?????? I hope not cause Im not givin up bein poolside an tannin, nooo way :) I can be soo spoiled sometimes :)~ Im the sweetest bitch youll ever meet :)

Sooo sooo sick and it sucks, I cant quit coughing I have a sore throat and I feel like effin-shiet...Dont most ppl have someone to be sweet to them and like make them soup and shizz...aww that reminds me of what I dont have...Now Ima be all lonely-like...BUSY night at work...Sold out with a Sewing Machine Group...How fun is that lol....All of them wanting the ground floor to!  There were quite a few disapointed ones but I did try my best to make them happy as best I could. One month from now Im going to be sitting on tha beach, well right now on tha balcony...Enjoyin a frozen fruity drink..straight chillen..unless of course Im invited to tha mountains but sooo far no invite..maybe after this week?? Okay thats very wishful thinking considering tha person who Id like, jump in front of a bus or something to meet, cant really talk on weekends? Im still confused on that one, I really am..its really none of my business...Im not his girl or nohting sooo why am I worrieda bout it? I guess cause I just am :( Hmmm Im such a girl sometimes, oh wait, Im supposed to be :)  I dont know why its so hard to find someone, who can fit into what I need...Great guy...Who could possible love me longtime-like....Guy who, wanted to do the everyday from soccer games to swimming, who,  wants a submissive-gf'ish person in their life, to like, grow with and have something real with..Soo It hink I found this awesome guy, hes effin hot as hell, Hes soo ordinary-like and from tha mtns..Im suuch a country girl...okay was a country girl, then I went ghetto but its okay u know, Im ghetto-countrified....You would think thatd be like the winning combination but I think hes got al ot more going on in his life than I do in mine, mayne not though...I wonder if hes completely honest, Im sure he wonders the same about me...I care....He probably doesnt, typical typical typical....Im a fat girl to i mean, in this umm sport if we can call it that, doesnt seem like its very fat girl friendly.....put me in a crowd of G's or D-Boyz chillen around tha hood, an they all gonna holla, put me on here, and its like eeeeek fat girl...okay maybe not, but in my mind this is not a fat girl thing, and daymit Im tha fat chic! Tha cute fat chic, but still tha fat chic. Even though Id be willin to bet on it he wont all or txt, I check my phone every so oftne to just see...I hate it but I love it...I love im soo interested in someone, but I hate the fact, that, Im still just sooo interested in someone, does that make sense????

Sun & Fun...Nothins better :) Beach soon...I have tha most awesome life, everythings chill...After a bit of thought, I wouldnt change a thing :)

WATERPARK :)

Today was a fun night at work....Amazingly cool thunderstorm...Almost sold out, tha night flew by! I <3 nights like that..My jobs amazingly fun...Bein at work...Isnt like bein at work :) Two days off to chill & enjoy tha sun & tha waterpark...Tha only suck azz thing is I havta get my car fixed...I *really* am not lookin forward to that :)

 Cool Quote:

"No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself." ~Virginia Woolf

Cant I just go back to bed and forget about tha world...okay except for one person??? Who, I cant seeem to get to talk to and it makes me much sad :(

"The source of love is deep in us and we can help others realize a lot of happiness. One word, one action, one thought can reduce another person’s suffering and bring that person joy."
— Thich Nhat Hanh

We are shaped by our thoughts. We become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.

Because of a great love, one is courageous.
~ Lao Tzu

 “We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love.” ~ Mother Theresa

I guess im to nosy for my own good, it just ends up gettin my heart broke in da end...why cant it be me????? why why why why why..... :( Im not givin up im fightin harder, with everything i have in my power...i just wish....omg do i wish...

Awwww yaaah now Im happy...Sooooo happy...Ive never had anyone have that ability before, simply amazing...What I wouldnt do...Not a thing....cause its allll about him :)~

I just want him to notice me to pay attn to me....all I can thimk of is him....i want to be special or atleast kno I can be in time..id have done anything..but im me im not perfect but Im tryin to be as close to it for him...Hes definetly my reason for unsweet tea, diet mtndew, nooo more fast food...Tons of exercise...and healthy lifestyle...I have to be the best I can be so I can offer him da best...cause he is da bestest

Woke up...Kinda sad again, I need to hear his voice...so much more than anything I need to hear his voice...I can dewal with eveyrthing, I can embrace the things that make me jealous and i can turn that into a strength and i can come back and i can fight hard for what i want...Ill do everything as he wishes, i just want so bad to be....

What sucks...and really sucks, is when you find out you obviously dont have a chance in hellz...So much about me  I dont put out there, and I trust one person, and not wtih everything, as to where he atleast gets the idea, only to find out that even though I thought SOmething COuld have been possile, can completely end up ...I mean I guess it makes sense, and my fault for believing in something, in one thing..Eff what I have..its stuff...This meant so much more....which is why.....Im  well, Im sad :(

Efffn A Dude .... WOrds cant describe tha feelin at tha moment

thinkin thinkin thinkin thinkin...and my conclusion...i dont hava chance in da world, how do ya try under those circumstances?? in my day-to-day life, its not this hard, whys it gotta be with him????? i get paid to kiss ass and I do it well...i have a lotta opportunities come my way, none of which have been worth takin...Why do I care bout someone whos sooo effin unattainable to me...why why why!!!!!!! Tha part that sux tha most is, even if I wanted to say eff it and not care, theres tha part of me thats sooo curious that has already decided..and thats tha most stubborn part of me. I dont get it, I dont at all...How did I allow myself to fall for someone, whos evidentally soo unavailable...Who is soo already taken or with someone or whatever it is....It sucks ass...Thats whats up...Of course, tha part of me thats completely stubborn, strong-willed, determined & confident, says, eff it, it doesnt mean you cant try as hard as you can, it doesnt mean that you cant find a place....find the place..but how do I do it, if theres already someone else, hell I dnt know if theres someone else, I dont know shiet, and thats the point, I guess im not supposed to know. I just know it sucks, it effin sucks to think about someone on tha hour erry hour, even in ur sleep and wake up and want nothin but him, nothin but to talk to him and then...ya get what ya get and ya wanna try to make everythin happen and its then your riiight there, at finally taking a step, and somethin effin up or comin up. Theres more chances, tha worlds not ending and Im sure next time i talk to him Ill be all happy-giddy-sunshiney day again.....i just wish.....there was something easy about this, I wish it wasnt so hard but everyting in my life thats been worth it in the end, has been hard..Ive had to fight for it, just like I will this...I dont wanna give up, Ive only begun to try...Just like I think hes tha complete pkg...What he hasnt learned yet...is I am to...and im absolutely convinced on every star in the sky, that, hes going to be worth all of this...if I can just convince him...<3

Gots to love Little Wayne...How to Love

You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love

You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love

For a second you were here
Why you over there?
Its hard not to stare, the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love
Never had a love

When you was just a young’un you’re looks but so precious
But now your grown up
So fly its like a blessing but you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It’s seems like you came back 10 times over
Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder

See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love

See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love

For a second you were here
Why you over there?
Its hard not to stare the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love
Had a love

You had a lot of dreams that transform to visions
The fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions
But it wasn’t your fault
Wasn’t in your intentions
You the one here talking to me
You don’t wanna listen
But I admire your poppin bottles and dippin’
Just as much as you admire bartending and stripping
Baby, so don’t be mad
Nobody else trippin
You see a lot of crooks and the crooks still crook

See You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love

See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love

Oooh,
See I just want you to know
That you deserve the best
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
Yeah

And I want you to know, you’re far from the usual
Far from the usual

You see you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love

See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love

See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love

See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love