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I tend to believe that good Doms view submission as a STRENGTH. It takes confidence and courage to submit, to trust, to let go - and as a Dom, I know that I wish I had the ability to submit, accept, serve and let go comfortably - and I accept that being a Dom is also a strength of a different type - being a caretaker for a relationship that can be very rough at times.
It's an interesting dichotomy - the hunger and need to capture and possess something soft, vulnerable and beautiful...and the hunger to be taken and adored in a very carnal, raw manner.
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D/s is about love, connection, intimacy, individuality, commitment, depth, pleasure, trust and fun.
There are people on both sides who see D/s as a chance to manipulate, hurt, hide, abuse, push people away, treat people and relationships as frivolous or expendable and use it as a tool for avoiding self improvement.
Don't let the assholes divert our attention away from what matters. |
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I am a Dom because it allows me to connect with another human being in a very intimate, meaningful, intense way. It's a wonderful, shared altered mindspace.
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D/s is about sharing intense pleasure. Sometimes I wonder if we get too caught up in the ego and seriousness of it all and forget that this is about meeting people we connect with and enjoying them on the amazing, transcendental level. |
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There are certain things a potential sub might say that greatly increases the chance of a powerful connection with me. I've learned to look for these things.
They need submissive experiences to help reset themselves and deal with life's stress.
They need to be submissive as a mechanism for bonding closely with another person.
They hunger to give up sexual control because they want to experience and not think.
They want to experience intense control and sex but are afraid of giving that power to the wrong person.
They want to be the focal point for a highly sexual Dom who craves them.
They want to give up control sexually, perhaps romantically, but not in their own lives.
It's interesting how much you learn about yourself in this dynamic.
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There's a lot of anger in the world. When it spills over into BDSM, bad things happen. D/s is never EVER about taking out anger or fear out on a sub. It's about enhancing a special connection. Pain is a tool, not a goal. Submission is a way of being, not a license to harm. |
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I am Dominant. I see lots of D/s photography in which the sub is crying out, in pain, struggling. She is participating, but her face says she is concerned, worried, scared, frightened. I guess that's a turn on for many.
What excites me is when my sub is at peace, even when there is discomfort or pain. She knows this is where she belongs. She feels great pain, but is not afraid. She has given herself over to him completely and she is safe. |
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D/s can be intense. The day after a particularly rough session, both my sub and I need the next day to reset ourselves once again. As much as we need that, it's something that requires balance as well. |
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Multiple stories in recent weeks from friends and subs about bad "Doms" who, I think, do great damage to the larger kink culture. Doms do not:
(1) Lie about seeing other subs.
(2) Pretend to be one kind of Dom to fit what their potential sub is looking for.
(3) See their role as strictly one way - their needs matter, the subs do not.
(4) Purposely use language that promises more than they are willing or able to give.
Doms have a powerful role to play, but are the ultimate caretaker. Even the most objectifying, masochistic Dom must be a nurturer and caretaker as well. One without the other is abusive. |
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For me, D/s is not about kink culture, leather, whips, chains.
It's about unleashing the raw side of our sexuality. It's about connecting to someone so deeply that they appreciate the darker sides that we keep hidden. It's about the Dom allowing himself to be intoxicated with his sub, needing her presence, her emotions, her mind and body as his own. It's about the sub knowing that her Dom will love and protect her, even as he pushes, plays and consumes her. It's animalistic and primal and full of passion and truth. |
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I do not participate in the larger BDSM culture anymore. It's true that there is some valuable education out there, but ultimately I feel that the culture pushes conformity. There is a certain protocol, even a sort of BDSM persona and language, that people adopt that rings false. You explore D/s from "inside out" - learning about yourself and how you experience connection and affection. People who explore from the "outside in" are bypassing that introspection and trying to make themselves fit a culture or stereotype. Ultimately, BDSM is a huge, blank canvas and you can put ANYTHING on that canvas that you want. |
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I have two long term subs, both wonderful, but my life is joined to neither of them. I'm considering a search for a long term sub who might wish to join lives with her Dom someday (I am polyamorous and would maintain strong relationships with both subs). I would want full sexual control at all times - which might include any number of sensual, sexual and perhaps degrading acts peppered throughout our lives. Other kinds of control could certainly be negotiated.
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Two things I don't understand:
(1) The automatic assumption of monogamy on the part of so many Doms and subs. I have always personally believed that diversity enriches us - both Doms and subs should explore with multiple partners (ethically) given the opportunity. In addition, it's even more surprising when a sub says she won't share her Dom - doesn't ownership of her Doms sexuality contradict her submissive status?
(2) When a Dom doesn't take into consideration their subs capacity for submission. All subs are not alike, and should not be expected to adopt an arbitrary set of expectations that violate where they are at on the submissive spectrum.
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The fact that trust must be earned is a cliche.
It must be earned at such a deep level that my plaything must feel in her heart and soul that she will be protected and safe even as she is used in some very rough ways. Most people avoid vulnerability at all costs. Submissives bask in their own vulnerability (and sometimes pain) and take joy in giving that to another for their pleasure. It's a rare gift. |
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I'm sometimes asked "What am I looking for?" I'm not looking for anything. I throw energy out into the world and see who returns that energy. Domination is a form of love - perhaps casual, perhaps long term and committed, perhaps violent and perhaps degrading, but it is a form of love. What am I looking for? Someone who is awesome, and someone who speaks a similar 'love language'. |
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I believe there is far more potential for safety and security in ethical non-monogamy than there is in monogamy. All relationships are about growth - I believe that people enter our lives who will push us to grow, become more confident, more mature, more accepting of ourselves as loving, sexual, kinky, emotional people. Open and honest non-monogamy does not force anyone to stop loving their partner to continue to explore...and growth is always supported and encouraged. |
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My Kink Traits - I think they define me quite well.
99% Dominant
94% Rigger
87% Primal (Hunter)
87% Brat tamer
85% Non-monogamist
83% Daddy/Mommy
83% Sadist
83% Master/Mistress
74% Degrader
74% Experimentalist
71% Owner
50% Ageplayer
46% Voyeur
18% Vanilla
17% Exhibitionist
15% Switch
6% Masochist
3% Rope bunny
2% Girl/Boy
2% Primal (Prey)
2% Brat
2% Degradee
1% Submissive
1% Pet
0% Slave |
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We've got a real problem in the Ds world if every sub who appears here gets hammered by people - often pretenders, abusers or trolls, from what I understand. Ugh. |
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Adding a picture later this week. |
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I've been searching for the daughter of the devil himself
I've been searching for an angel in white
I've been waiting for a woman who's a little of both
And I can feel her when she's nowhere in sight.
- The Eagles |
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You will not be the same person (Dom or sub) 5 years, 1 year or even 1 month from now. Seeking kink partners who won't allow you room to evolve, change or grow are likely to be stifling at best, abusive at worst. A Dom should be part of your evolution and growth as a human being. This does not mean that he pushes you to grow in a way that HE demands, but he provides you a safe space to explore your own needs and allow them to change over time. |
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Kink and polyamory have an uneasy relationship sometimes. Polyamory demands letting go of control - kink demands a power exchange. I end up in some interesting discussions sometimes...why do I allow my sub to play with others? I'm polyamorous - they live their own lives and do as they see fit. They submit to me only on the level they are comfortable submitting and only at the level for which we have an agreement. |
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Don't let anyone tell you who you are or what you need. Doms (or people in general) who want to contain you, define you, fit you into their mold and teach you HIS ways are not Doms at all - they've read too much BDSM porn. A Dom should provide a safe space for you to find your best submissive self and grow as a person - but never try to push you to be something you are not. |
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