i am feeling like i just want someone to beat me, punish me, hurt me...so that my pain will go away. i will never find another One, nor will i try, no one could ever ever compare. i don't want anyone for "keeps" just please beat me and walk away.

a part of me has just died. 

“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.” ― Khalil Gibran

i am a disappointment and a failure...that is all i can say, i have no words left.

So, i just received a message that read; "For someone who isn't available, your name is at the top of the list always and you are always on".  I'd like to clarify.  It is true, i am not available...AND i am not "always" on here. Apparently, you have to log off of every device you are logged into to truly go offline.  So, i will now make a conscious effort to be sure to log off of my computer, tablet and phone.  Sometimes i forget...sorry.

Do You Love Me?

A lover asked his beloved,
Do you love yourself more
than you love me?
The beloved replied,
I have died to myself
and I live for you.

I've disappeared from myself
and my attributes.
I am present only for you.
I have forgotten all my learning,
but from knowing you
I have become a scholar.

I have lost all my strength,
but from your power
I am able.
If I love myself
I love you.
If I love you
I love myself. 
Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi

“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.” ― Khalil Gibran

Your pain is the breaking of your shell that encases your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

Kahlil Gibran

You give little when you give of your posessions,

it is when you give of yourself that you truly give.

There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.

And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.

It is well to give when asked, but better to give unasked, through understanding; 

And to be open-handed the search for one who shall receive is joy greater than giving.

See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, an insturment of giving.

For in truth is life that gives unto life--while you who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness.

The wise words of Kahlil Gibran

If you are fortunate enough to find a Dominant, or even better if he found you, that you "click"with; One whom you want to pour your heart and soul out to, One whom quicky becomes your center, your being...don't be foolish enough to waste it. Trust...no matter how much you've been hurt, and Obey...no matter how difficult it may be... For sometimes...you only get that one chance...with the One perfect Dominant...and just like that, one stupid error...he is gone. Trust...Obey... Or be left alone...that simple. Now I know.