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Aging submissive dreamer seeks idealistic young goddess to save the world side by side.
What I’m looking for is almost certainly impossible. (Maybe everyone is looking for the impossible.) Still, maybe describing my ideal relationship will reveal enough about me to at least open up a dialogue.
I’m definitely a sexually submissive hetero male. Vanilla sex holds almost no interest for me. (Whether or not I’m submissive out of the bedroom, I’ll discuss later on.) I’m over fifty but everyone tells me I look much younger. I smoke, but have little doubt that the right woman could get me to quit. I have a B.A. in literature from an expensive little liberal arts college. For years I worked as a freelance writer/editor specializing in any trash that would pay me (porn, detective magazines, book club pamphlets) but now I manage the property I inherited from my father. I still enjoy writing (Actually, it’s more of a compulsion.) and have been told I write extremely well, but I can never seem to finish anything. At the moment, my over-90 mother is living with me. Genetically, I’m Jewish on my mother’s side but was raised so extremely secular (my mom’s a Marxist) that religious words have always sounded like obscenities to me. Lately, however, I’ve taken an intellectual interest in religion because (as the sew-on patch I just had printed says): “Nihilism did nothing for me.” I’ve come to admire the teachings of Leo Tolstoy (who, after writing his famous novels, suffered a deep depression that only ended when he was ‘born again’ as the first ‘Christian Anarchist.’)
If this was some kind of dissertation I might have entitled the last paragraph “Background.” The next three could be labeled “Personality.”
If you’d asked me a few years ago, I would have told you that my personality was a mix between Vincent Van Gogh as portrayed in the film Lust for Life and Dostoyevsky’s Underground Man. Age, however, has given me—if nothing else— some detachment from my emotions and made me a bit more chill. As to whether I am submissive out of the bedroom: While in theory I would always want a partnership of equals, in practice, because of my tendency to form deep, lasting attachments (like poor Vincent), I’ve always ended up with the short end of the stick when it comes to power in relationships. (Total Power Exchange and all that aside, doesn’t the real test of power in any relationship come down to who is willing to walk away?)
Aside from two occasions that would need asterisks for explanations, I’ve never dumped anyone. I don’t think I’ve ever had it in me to tell someone that I no longer felt they were worth spending time with. When, after a year and a half or so, my very first girlfriend and I started feeling the itch to experience some sexual variety, we agreed to try an open relationship. We were very young and the results were catastrophic. But she was very definitely the one to end it. My instinct has always been to assume that relationships were eternal, and that any problems or dissatisfaction could be talked out and solved.
These qualities haven’t exactly earned me a lot of admiration. In addition to being seen as ‘emotionally needy,’ most people I know think of me as being passive and lazy. I don’t think that's true. It’s more depression than anything else. When I feel inspired I can’t stop working on whatever it is I’m doing. A friend once defended me by saying that I didn’t have a mean bone in my body. My ex-wife quickly quipped: “He doesn’t have any bones in his body.” I don’t think that's true either. Though it is true I have let certain appalling people (women) walk all over me in the most appalling ways, and it’s also true that I hate confrontation, I am extremely stubborn in my convictions.
Now the section that would be subtitled: ‘Sex.’
What am I looking for in a sexual partner? This is embarrassing to write but it’s the truth, so … I’m only really attracted to women who are much younger than me and so beautiful that everyone would consider them to be way, way out of my league.
I can see the eye rolls. I realize how pathetic I must sound. But that’s my kink. My submission is triggered by intimidatingly beautiful women. It’s the very quality of unapproachability, the feelings of nervousness and inadequacy they inspire, the deference towards the very real power their beauty gives them, that brings out my masochistic impulses and my desire to be dominated by most of the standard methods.
For most of my life I’ve resigned myself to only finding sexual satisfaction by hiring pro-dommes. I began doing so shortly after college, when, tired of having my heart broken, I became totally disillusioned with the idea of romantic love. "How stupid,” I would tell myself and anyone who would listen, “is the idea of spending your life with someone just because enjoy having sex with them?" I started thinking of myself as a nihilist and doing hard drugs. Soon, I met a woman who also identified herself as a nihilist. We spent weeks doing drugs together and talking philosophy. We'd read all the same books and saw things in the exact same way. We started spending more and more time together and eventually, upon hitting bottom in our nihilistic pursuit of dealing and taking drugs, we married. With the small amount of parental assistance the marriage triggered, we were able to get our act together and stop trying to destroy ourselves by living up to our philosophical convictions.
I was deeply in love with my ex-wife but, unfortunately, I never found her sexually attractive. I was always upfront about this. From the very start I described our relationship as an “intellectual partnership,” or even "a cult of two."
Our marriage lasted 25 years. Our relationship, 30. It was during my marriage that I started visiting pro-dommes with my ex-wife's full knowledge and grudging consent.
I believed our unconventional marriage would last forever (and very much wished it to); but, in the end, denying my own sexuality finally caught up with me. While we were living apart (her idea), I met one of those awful women I mentioned and fell so hard for her (with so little reason) that my behavior resembled a bout of severe mental illness. It was certainly unforgivable as far as my ex (or anyone else, including me) was concerned. This was a year and a half ago and I haven't heard a word from her since.
Depressed, stunned, and suddenly feeling utterly alone, I continued seeing pro-dommes (though in retrospect, considering the shape I was in, I'm amazed I still had a libido).
Something had changed though. Now that I was no longer with my ex-wife, I kept falling in love with them. It's happened twice now, even though I realize that the odds of having my feelings returned by a woman who is just making a living are practically nil.
Even if it’s unrealistic, I yearn for an actual relationship that fulfills me sexually. I wouldn’t expect sexual fidelity from a partner. In fact, I’m pretty sure I have cuckold tendencies. (Right before my first girlfriend ended it I was screwing her up against a porch railing and she started whispering in my ear, “How does it feel to know there was another man’s dick inside me.” It made me come like gangbusters.) Children are out. I should have mentioned earlier that I’ve always considered it cruel to bring a child into an overcrowded morally bankrupt world. That’s not what I want as my legacy.
So, no doubt you're still asking, what could I possibly have to offer a beautiful young woman who can choose practically any man she wants: A full head of hair and a bit of money? Laugh if you want, but I do have an answer: My dreams.
Despite my age, and the usual share of life's traumas (if not more) I still haven’t lost the dreams of my youth. I still want to make a difference. I want to change the world. In the era of he-who-shall-not-be-named, I want to join the resistance and become a crusader. Either as a writer or through some other means (like by doing something interesting with the property I inherited) I want to make a lasting positive contribution. Sadly, I doubt I ever will without a partner by my side. I don't function well alone. I find it impossible to find the motivation to live life just for myself. (This is another reason I will always be the more submissive member of any relationship).
My dream partner would be someone to either collaborate with or even someone willing to take turns supporting each other while pursuing our own independent projects. But either way, I still believe that side-by-side, there would be nothing she and I couldn’t do.
PS In case I gave the wrong impression, I have done more with my life than dream. I've made some progress in my ambition to make a difference; but, knowing myself, and considering my level of loneliness, I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to sustain it.
PPS I must be sincere, because since I first wrote this (about 10 days ago) I have lost interest in seeing pro-dommes (or even masturbating) and have started rapidly losing weight. This just happened spontaneously. But now I'm making a conscious decision and promising not to see a pro-domme and to continue dieting (and getting my life more together generally) while this post is up and my quest for an idealistic goddess continues.
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