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woodshedorlando
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NAMES WARD I WORK DOWN AT THE SAWMILL WITH A LOTS OF MY GIRLFREINDS ARE YOU PRETTY SAY WHATS YOUR NAME SWEETHART SAY
AND THEN THIS IS LIKE MY EXTRA INTERDUCTION TELLNIG YOU THE SORT OF THINGS IM IN TO AND ALL I HAD SOME HELP PUTTNIG IT TOGETHER WICH IS WHY IT KNIDLY LOOK DIFFERNTN THEN THE RETS I WAS TELLNIG THE WORDS TO RITE TO SOMEBODY ELSE BUT SHE AINT HERE NO MORE AND SO I HAVE TO DO ALL THIS MYSLEF SHE LIT OUTTA TOWN LIKE A BOTTEL ROCKET WHNE SHE KNIDLY CACTH ME WITH THAT NOTHER GRIL AND ITS ALL I CAN DO TO RMEMBER ANY OF THER NAMES RITE NOW IM SO DRUNK LOMA
I like to be beaten within an inch of my life by a woman wielding a 2X2 with six inch nails in it, a woman who can hold at least five oreos between her breasts, whose face is bearded in Oreo bits. I like putting beads in vaginas. I like to see how many they can hold. Also, exotic and oddly shaped produce, like moolie, avocados, and yams. If I could have you to hold still while I see how much fruits and beads I can get in there, I will be so happy, like a little girl with pig-tails. I want you should to have the pig-tails, too. I want to be your dirty little girl hobo. Can you pull out the beads and gourds and feed them to me? I bet that you can do that, too, can't you? No? Do you thinks you and me can take turns threatening eachother with that stick with the nails in it? And then Maybe you want to taste the beads? That's what I want.
Do you have anything else you could beat me with and then we can take turns and I can beat you on your big bottom with it? What are you doing tonight? Do you like Wendy's? I do. Wendy's has good bathrooms and maybe I can bend you over the sink and beat you with the hand dryer. Ya think? And then we can have all the burgers we want, until it gets to late and then we have to leave to go to your house for more pleasures. Yes? I hope to do it on you tonight. And in the morning when we wake up, we can go to some yard sales and pick out other things we can smack eachother around with if you want to. There's always cool stuff to hit somebody with, with love and concerns and pleasures, at the yard sales. Please leave me a message to tell me you want to look for things to put in your lady parts or to drape over them at the yard sales.
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NEXT WEEKNED ITS A BNUCH OF US GONIG TO CACTH A BUS OUT TO THAT RED ROSE BALDROM TO GET SOME ROMMS AND KNIDLY GET UP TO SOME MESS AND GO IN A SWIMNIG AND TO DO SOME DANCNIG ITS GONIG TO BE ME AND PATTY BECUASE SHES THE ONE GOT THE TRUNK TO HAUSL THE REST OF US OUT THERE AND OLD AUDRY AND SLUVIE AND LAVERN THATS THE ONE WITH THAT OLD CUMP SPRNIG LOMA AND BERNIS AND SHELA AND CHAV AND GERMY KNIDLY SAYS THAY WANTS TO TAG A LNOG TO AND I RECON ITS OKAY IF THEY DO BECUASE ITS GONIG TO HAVE TO BE SOMBODY CHNAGE THE TRIES AND TOTE UP THE BOXES OF CRANES AND WNECHES AND HRANESES AND DIDLERS AND ALL TAH CORDS AND SWTCISHES AND ALL THAT LOL AND WE ARE GONIG TO REVERS THAT DANCE HAUL DONE THERE AND IMVITE THAT PERTTY MISS ELEBVEN TO COME DOWN THERE AND GET UP TO SOME MESS WITH US AND SHE SEEM LIKE A GOOD OLD GRIL AND HER HARE IS PERTTY AND RED LIKE HER DERESS BUT PATTY REKDON THE CRAPET DONT MACTH THE CRUTIANS LOMA AND SHE KNIDLY LOOKNIG FOWRASRD TO WINNIG THAT BET WE GOT GONIGN A BOUT IT AND SHE TELL ME DOUBEL OR NOTHNIG THAT OLD GRIL GOT A PACTH A BOUT LIKE MY ANT LORETA AND ITS MORE HARE DOWN AROUND THAT GRAMOLUS OLD CUMP THAN IT IS UDNER THE WIG ON HER HEAD LOL BUT ANYWAYS WERE GONIG TO BE HEADNIG OVER THERE NEXT FIRDAY NOT TOMOROW BUT NEST FIDRAY FIDRAY WEEK SOME SAYS DONT COME TO MOROS BECUASE I AINT MADE REVERSTATOINS FOR T OMOROW BUT I WILL DO IT FOR NEXT FRIEDYA WICTHHC IS A WEEK FORM TOMOROW AND YOU JUST LOOK FOR THE SING THAT KNIDLY SAY SHADY PLAMS OR ITS A BOUT GETTNIG UP TO MESS AND IT WILL PORBAGLY HAVE PICSRTURES OF JUBS ON IT LOL AND YOU CAN LITSEN FOR THE HOOPNIG AND HOOLLERNIG AND THAT WILL BE US I GOT TO GO NOW AND LET THAT MISS ELEVEN NO WERE COMNIG AND THAT WE WILL NEED FOR OR FIVE ROOM FOR THE HOLE WEEKNED AND DOES SHE WANT TO GET UP TO SOME MESS TO SAY AND WAHT COLOR IS IT DONE THERE SAY LOMA
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IT WAS A PARTY AT MY PLACE OUT AT SHADY PLAMS LAST STARUDAY AND IT KINDLY GOT OUT OF HAND OR SO I WAS TOLD THE NEXT DAY WHEN THE POLICE FINALY LET ME GO HOME IT START OFF PERTTY NORMAL I RECKON THE GRILS COME OVER ABOUT SIX AND WE WENT TO HEEPNIG MEET ON THE GRILL AND DRINKNIG THE BUSH LITE AND IT WASNT LONG BEFORE IT WAS ALL OF US DRUNK AND GETTNIG UP TO SOME MESS WICH IS PERTTY NORMAL FOR US AND IT AINT EVER BEEN THE LAW CALLED ON US BEFORE SO ITS SOMETHNIG I DONT REMBER THAT GOT THE LAW CALLED IT WAS JUST A FEW OF US OUT THERE SATRUDAY ME AND PATTY AND SYLVIE AND LAVERN AND AUDRY AND OLD CHAV AND HIS BROTHER GERMY AND WED DRUG OUT THAT BAG WITH ALL THE VIDOS IN IT THAT CHAV AND GERMY LIKES TO WATCH PERTTY GOOD WHILE THE REST OF US IS CARYNIG ON LIKE WE DO ITS THE CARTON DRITY PICTSRURES THEY LIKE HAVE YOU SEEN ONE BEFORE SAY ITS MOSTLY JUST CARTONS LIKE SNO WHHITE AND LITTEL ELFS AND WHAT HAVE YOU AND ITS ALL OF THEM CARTON FOLKS GETTNIG UP TO SOME MESS AND CHAV AND GERMY WILL SIT THERE ON THE COUCH AND YELL AND CHEER AND HAVE A HI OLD TIME WITH THERE OLD DOOBER DOBBERS WILE THE REST OF US SNEAKS OFF INTO THE BEDROOM AND PULL ALL THE WINCHES AND CRANES AND STUFF OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND PATTY IS LIKE TO PUT ON THAT BIG BELT WITH THE DILDERS ON EVER SIDE OF IT WILE THE REST OF THE GRILS PUSH THERE BACKSIDE UP AGAINS IT LOL BUT IT WAS DIFRENT LAST STAURDAY NIGT BECUASE CHAV AND GERMY SAY WHY CANT WE COME BACK THERE WTIH YALL SAY BECUASE WE WANTS TO TRY OUT ARE NEW DOLL AND MABEY GET UP TO SOME MESS WITH OLD AUDRY IF SHE FEEL UP TO IT BUT THAT TIME OLD AUDRY CARRY ON WITH THEM TO IT WAS AFTER SHE HAD DRUNK A HOLE BUNCH OF BEER AND THEN SMOKE ONE OF SYLVIES CIGRETS AND SHE DONT DO THAT NO MORE NOT AT THE SAME TIME ANYWAY YOU KNOW IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN LOL BUT WE TOLD THEM FELLERS THEY CAN COME ON BACK IF THEY WANT TO AND TO BRNIG THAT NEW BALOON DOLL THEY GOT BECUASE THE GRILS DONT WANT NOTHNIG TO DO WITH THEM AND WILL SCREECH AND HOLLER IF THEM BOYS SO MUCH AS WAVES THERE DOOBER DOBBER AT THEM LOL WICH MEANS ITS ALWAYS A RACKET BECUASE THEM TO DONT HARDLY NEVER HAVE NO PANTS ON LOL BUT ANYWAYS THE REST OF US IS BUCK NAKID AND A CARRYNIG ON ON THE BED WILE CHAV AND GERMY IS OVER IN THE CORNER BY THE DOOR RASSLNIG AND HUMPNIG ON THAT NEW BALOON DOLL THEY GOT IN THE MAIL LAST WEEK AND THEY SEEM PERTTY HAPPY WITH IT IF I WAS TO JUDGE BY THE GRUNTNIG AND ALL SO PATTYS GOT ON THAT DIDLER BELT AND ALL THE OTHER ONES IS GONIG TO TOWN ON IT WILE PATTY FIDDLE WITH HER CLAM NUB AND THAT DERN THNIG LOOK LIKE A FONTIAN PEN AND ITS EASY AS BIG AROUND AS MY THUM AND USUALY WE STRAPS IT DOWN UNDER THAT DILDR BELT WILE SHE GOT IT ON SO IT DONT GET IN THE WAY LOL ONCET I WAS DOWN THERE EATNIG CLAMS LOL AND THAT THNIG COME LOOSE AND LIKE TO PUT MY EYE OUT LOL IM TRYNIG TO TALK HER INTO GETNIG IT PEERCED SO WE CAN LOOP IT AROUND SOMETHNIG SO IT DONT GET IN THE WAY WHEN WE AINT USNIG IT SO IT WAS JUST AFTGER LAVERN WENT OFF WITH THAT CLAM SPRNIG OF HERS A SQUIRTNIG ALL OVER THE ROOM THAT WE RECKON IT WAS TIME FOR A BRAKE AND A COLD DRNIK SO WE SNEEK PAST CHAV AND GERMY WHO WAS STILL CARRYNIG ON WITH THAT BALOON DOLL AND WENT OUT FOR A COLD DRNIK AND THATS ABOUT THE TIME I DONT REMBER NOTHNIG ELSE BUT THIS IS WHAT PATTY AND THE POLICE TELL ME SUNDHYA MORNIG THAT WILE WE WAS OUT THERE HAVNIG A COLD DRINK CHAV FUCK A HOLE CLEAN THRU THAT BALOON DOLL AND BROKE SOME OF GERMYS TEETH ON A COUNT OF HIM BENIG ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOLL EATNIG ITS ASS AND THEM TO BOYS THROWD DOWN BEATNIG THE TAR OUT OF ONE ANOTHER AND PATTY SAY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TO DONIG IN THERE SAY STOP IT BY GOD OR ILL GET MY SHOTGUN BUT THEY DIDNT STOP IT AND SHE WENT TO FIRNIG SHOTS AND DIDNT NEVER HIT THEM TO FELLERS BUT BLOWD A HOLE RIGT THRU THE BED ROOM WALL AND CHAV AND GERMY RUN OUT THAT WAY DRAGNIG THERE BALOON DOLL WITH THEM AND ALL THE AIR GONE OUT OF IT TO LOL BUT PATTY SEEN THEM WITH IT STRAP TO A TREE JUST YESTREDYA AND THEY WAS TAKNIG TURNS A HUMPNIG IT AGAINS THAT TREE LOL WELL SARUTRDAY WHEN THE POLICE SHOW UP BECUASE ONE OF ARE NAYBORS CALL THE LAW AND WHEN THE POLICE SHOW UP PATTY FOUND WEHRE I HAD FELL OUT AND PUT THAT SHOTGUN IN MY HANDS AND TOLD THEM BOYS I HAD WENT AND GOT DRUNK AND SEEN THAT SKUMP APE OUT THE BACK WINDEOW AND TOOK AIM AND BLOWED A HOLE CLEAN THRU THE BACK WALL AND THE POLICE TOOK ME IN AND THROWD ME IN THE DRUNK TANK WICH AINT SO BAD LOL
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BEN HORIBLE CUPPLE A DAYS FINALLY GETTIN OVER THIS TORN SACK AND READY TO GO BACK TO WORK AT THE SAWMILL THOUGH I'LL BE STAYIN AWAY FROM THE HUNDEGGER 5000 FROM NOW ON YOU KNOW IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ROFLX100!!!! THE OTHER DAY HAD UN SUM VISITORS AT THE DOOR. HAD TO HAVE LINDA AND FRIDA ICE DOWN BEFORE I WELCOMED THE JAHOEVAS WITNESES IN WE TALKED ABOUT CRISTS MISSION GLAD GRETA REMEMBERD TONGS TINY BIBELS AND ALL. BEEN FIXIN TO MEET UP WITH A LADY FREND LIBARIAN A 150 LB GORILLA ON MY BACK FFS!! SEEKING SUB FEMALE
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I DONT KNOW WHY I AINT MADE NO GIRLFRIENDS OFFER THIS THING I HAD THAT ONE GIRL EMAILING ME A COUPLE OF TIMES BUT THAT SEEMS LIKE IT WAS MOSTLY ABOUT MONEY AND MAYBE SHE WAS LOOKING TO TAKE ADVABNTAGE OF ME AND NOT IN THE WAY I LIKE I DONT THINK MY DOOBER DOBBER WERENT NEVER GOING TO ENTER INTO IT AT ALL GODAMMIT MAYBE I OUGHTER TRY A DIFFERENT APPROACH OR SOMETHIGN AINT THEY NOBODY LOOKING TO CARRY ON WITH A BIG FELLRE AND HIS MEAT BAT LOL?
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I AIN'T WROTE TURN THAT OFF THAT'S WHAT'S WITH THE TYPE HERE? WHAT IN THE HELL. OH WELL WHAT EVER. FOR SOME REASON THE BOLDFACE IS ON. I BETTER FIX THIS I CANT READ WHAT I'M TYPING. WELL THAT'S A LITTLE BETTER I RECKON EXCEPT ITS STILL BOLD AND I DON'T WANT IT THATAWAY.
I AIN'T WROTE HERE IN A WHILE ON ACCOUNT OF MY BEING SO BUSY DOWN AT THE SAWMILL AND OVER AT THE LOVE PEACE AND JUSTICE WEBSITE, WHERE I'VE KINDER FOUND A CAUSE, HELPING HOBOS AND COLOREDS AND WHAT NOT. IVE ALWAYS BELEIVED IN HELPING PEOPLE THAT CANT HELP THEMSELVES SO I TOOK UP A STATION THERE AND I BEEN SHARING WITH THEM FOLKS ABOUT MY EFFORTS TO HELP ALL THE MISFORTUNATE FOLKS IN THIS TOWN BUT I DONT THINK THEY GIVE MUCH OF A SHIT ABOUT UNITY AND STUFF CAUSE DONT NONE OF THEM HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO ME ANYHWO.
ANYHOW. SOMETIMES IT PAYS TO GET INVOLVED IN A CAUSE LIKE THE ONE I GOT MY SLEF INTO BECAUSE YOU GET TO MEET INTERESTING FOLKS LIKE YOU WOUDN'T OF KNOWED OTHERWISE. AND THEM HOMELESS FOLKS WILL DO PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING FOR A FEW BUCKS OR A HOT MEAL OR A DRAG OFF YOUR CIGRETTE. I BET I GOT TWENTY BLOWJOBS FOR LESS THAN TEN BUCKS SINCE I GOT INTO THIS CAUSE. I GO TO WHERE THEM FOLKS HANGS OUT I RECKON THEY LIVES UNDER BUSHES AND SHIT IN THEM PARKS AND I GO TO WHISTLING AND A HOLLERING. "IS IT ANYBODY WHO WANTS TO SLOB MY KNOB FOR A CANNER BEANS!' AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT ITS FIVE OR SIX OF THEM CRAWLING OUTTER THE BUSHES AND OUT FROM BEHIND CARS AND BUILGDINGS AND ALL AND THEY ALL TRY TO TALK THE PRICE UP A LITTLE BIT BUT COME TO FIND OUT MOST OF EHTM IS OKAY WITH DOING IT FOR A LITTLE LESS LIKE FOR A COUPLE QUARTERS OR A DRAW OFFER YOUR BOTTLE. I TOOK ONE OF THEM HOME OKAY ITS BEEN A COUPLEA OF THEM AND THEY SMELL TO HIGH HEAVEN AND THEY AINT TOO KEEN TO THE LOOK OF MY DUNGEONE AND MOSTLY THEY DECIDE THEYS BETTER OFF UNDER A BUSH THAN WITH LETTING ME AND THE GIRLS BEAT THE TAR OUT OF THEM AFTER THEY HAD A SHOWER BY GOD BUT SOME OF THEMS STUCK IT OUT FOR SOME CORN DONGS LOL.
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Oh, good christ it's been a boring week. I had to work Tuesday and Wednesday and today and I got to work tomorrow. Hell, barely gives me time to jack it, I'm so tired when I get in from work down at the sawmill. It pays the bills right? And I get to bring some lumber home sometimes to make some pretty interesting shit out of, like dilders and clubs and shit.
I spend lots of times on the interenet, reading up on shit, cause I like to be on top of what's going on in the world. I learned something new today, and I mean to give it a try this weekend. I'm going to get Chav and Germie and me and them's going to go "seagulling" at the flea market. I'm going to take my camera because that's going to be some funny shit. I can post videos here can't I, so I'll have to put that up. If you don't know what it is, seagulling, I ain't going to spoil it for you because it's something really special. I'm just wondering how we're going to pull it off.
Maybe we can get Nancy and Cindy to go with us, to kind of prime the pumps while we're waiting to attack behind the booths (I almost typed booty). Their both kind of perverted, they dig freaky shit. After all I'm going to need somebody to man, or WOman the camera, while me and the boys do our thing. Ain't going to be a square inch not covered in spoodge. It's going to be awesome.
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I noticed we ain't supposed to use vulgarity in these things. I think I'm okay, right? I don't say cunt or pussy; I say vagina. I don't say cock and balls; I say CnB's, which I think is tasteful. I don't never use the word fuck. I mean, that's nasty. The girls don't like it, expecially not Patty. Jesus, she'll slap me every time I use that word, which is why I do it so often, because I like when she slaps me. That bitch--can I say bitch?--will plum haul off and slap the fuck out of me, which sets us both to giggling. I like that Patty. She's took it as a challenge to see how much of my Mardi Grass beads she can get in her...can I say vagina? I can say that I'm sure. I mean, it was in biology books when I was a kid. Can I say love canal? Or box? I won't call it a cunt, because I know the women don't like that, except when you're cramming stuff up in there (lamps and vases and shit, like bottle openers and bottle brushes, crazy shit) and then they'll let you say it, because they know what they're doing is kind of nasty and they kind of want to say it themselves. Anyways, Patty will walk around with them in there all day and she makes a funny noise when she's crammed full of green and yellow and purple beads, like she's rattling inside a little bit and god that shit turns me on. And then she'll squat over the toilet and let all the beads kind of drain out and it looks like magic to me. I always hand her to toilet plunger while she's doing that and I says to her I says "Everytime you feel a bead pop out whup me with that plunger, whereve you feel like it, except the face, becuase I don't want no shit flecks on my face. I don't mind them on the thighs and CnB's because somehow I always wind up with feces there anyway.
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Oh my god that was like the best mammorial day ever. I have always tried to clebrate it different than other people, because I am a peace and love lover and don't care for no god damned wars or people that dies in them. I'll tell you one thing, I'm damn drunk right now and the CnB's are worn right the hell out. I'm telling you, even after a shower the unit's still steaming, like a hot sausage throwed out in the snow, if you know what I mean. I don't have enough lotion and aloe and bandaids for the thing. I'm thinking I'm gonna have to like cut a crater out of my mattress, put a bowl of warm water and epsen salts in the hole and soak my CnB's in it all night long, lying on my stomach. And I can't sleep lying on my stomach, on acoount of it being like a goddam mountain, so that won't ever work.
I got welts on my forehead and on my ass and on my damn grundle for christ sake. My heels are bruised. How does that happen, shit? I had a party and it got way out of contraol real damn fast. These girls beat the livin' shit out of me, and they was all the time swearing I asked them to do it. And I ain't known them to lie--except for a couple of them--so I think they're probably telling the truth. Last thing I remembered we was all, me and the girls and Chav and Germie, eating hot dogs and burgers fresh off the grill and then the next thing I know, I'm hog tied on the kitchen floor with these chicks beating the hell out of me, and they're laughting and I'm laughting and was all goo dtimes until Shelia says 'Flip him over and I'm gonna heat up all the grease from the grill and dump it on his CnB's.' Well, I coudn't have that so I went into a fit and got out of the ropes and throwed them bitches out.
I can't wait for the fourth of July. Wait. When's Arbore Day?
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One time a couple of years ago I met this hot young thing at the bowling alley I go to. She was real hot and told me she had on a vinyl body suit underneath her clothes. She was a big little thing, and I thought by God she could probably upholster a pretty good sized sofa with all the vinyl it took to make a body suit that size. We got into all sorts of trouble but I'll have to write about it later because the turkeys burning.
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Me and this woman named Cindy went to a whole bunch of yard sales this morning and we bought a bunch of cool stuff. I got a old jar of vitamins for her when she wasn't looking. She was looking at the romance novels while I was buying the old jar of vitamins. Maybe some of thems expired, but viatmins are always good for you. That's what vitamins ARE, dummy. Cindy was real happy with that old jar of vitamins. She said when it's emtpy we can fill it up with beads and grapes and pumpkin seeds and shit and try to fit in her vagina. I told her take her vitamins eveyday because I can't wait to try that!
It was beatings on our minds when we bought that big old thermos and the encyclopedia set and thighmaster. We came back to my place right away and tried out the new instruments. The one that worked best of all was the thermos, believe it or not. If your gonna try it, it works better when its full of hot cocoa. First off, I told Cindy to take a swing at my CnB's with it and she did and man alive did that hurt. I grinned and beared it and was laughing in no time, before I yanked that thermos out of Cindy's hands and swung back like it was a bowling ball and whacked her right in the axewound. She was howling and cussing me but then she said My turn again and she hauled off and hit me on the chin with the fucking thing, damn near dislocated my jaw. Cindy said she had to go and she pulled all the beads and mangos out of her ladyparts and put them back where they belong and then she said see you later, sucker and took her old jar of vitamins and harlequin books and got the hell out of dodge. I don't think I'll see her again, but she said something about hamburgers thats made me pretty damn hungry, so I guess I'll jack it and go to Wendy's.
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| Age: 38 |
| London,
Canada |
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