Update: 

Been Owned since Dec. 30, 2009.  

Very happy. 

Not looking.  And rarely here. 

Hope everyone else's "long, strange trip," turns out equally successful.

Jets v. Jacksonville today.  Both teams are 1-0-0.  i have no "concept" of Jacksonville.  However, while coming from behind in the 4th quarter is good theater, it is very difficult on the digestive systems of New York fans.  So, fellahs, please--go up about 40 points by the half so we at home can enjoy our football food and have a nice, quiet second half and be happy with what we've eaten. 

(LOL) i guess "Doms" who are in relationships and most likely got caught shouldn't send a girl a note.  Some putz wrote me on 7/14.  i just answered that i'm taken.  He writes back saying he never wrote me.  i copy his original email, email back to him and saying--you wrote this.  He writes back something to the effect that he's in a relationship and doesn't know what game i'm playing, but he's not interested.

 (LOL)

 i wonder if she was standing over his shoulder when he wrote me back. 

 i'm so glad i'm owned--i really couldn't have gone through this much longer.

 v

Not particularly a Mavs fan.  Glad they won.  LeBron doesn't get to remake the NBA in his image.  Good thing.

Although we are clearly not watching the two very best teams in the NBA--this final is pretty exciting.  Tonight's game--while chock-full of bush-league mistakes--was quite a cliff-hanger.  (Gee, how many hyphenated words can we get in one sentence?  Um....3.) 

And while i've never been a big fan of Dirk Nowitzsk, as he's never really been a good clutch player--i really have to hand it to him the last few games--and especially tonight's, as he was playing with splinted fingers and suffering from the flu, and was clearly quite sick. 

Jason Terry was terrific tonight.  Before tonight, it wasn't clear that the Mavs had any real depth, especially compared to the Heat.

i simply want Miami to lose.  Players should not be able to put their own teams together.  It's a terrible precedent to set, with the potential to make any league even more lopsided than they are now.

By the by--this photo of the butterfly--i took it in New Mexico.  i'm rather fond of it.

Someone may be sending emails to people saying they are from me.  i'm not sure how this sort of hacking is done.  i am Owned and rarely, if ever, contact anyone--especially in a suggestive or flirtatious way.  If You have received something from me, do not assume i sent it.  Check with me first before You answer in Your cute/coy/dominant/funny/sexy/obnoxious (whichever applies) way.

Thank You.

i haven't posted anything here in forever.

There, i've fixed it.

New Game:

Where's Randy Moss?

Hey--SPORTS FANS---

Those of you not familiar with this 'zine need to check it out:

http://deadspin.com/5673181/silencing-joe-buck-and-tim-mccarver-a-simple-tech-solution?skyline=true&s=i

(Consider this a public service announcement.)

i'm lookin' at Brian Wilson's face and i'm thinkin'---composting.

Bret Favre has retired.

Is Vegas giving odds?

i'll wager there are very few people on earth--or anywhere else in the universe and beyond--happier than i am right now.

Thank You, Master.

i was over at this other site, (every time i type in the name, the system here deletes it), deleting emails, and there, under "New Group," it read:

             "Cervix Play"

And my immediate thought was,  "i wonder if the Jets should've tried that?"

i think i need some tea.

Finish that sentence!

From a Dom's profile:

"I've been doing some thinking over the last 3 years..."

And i couldn't help thinking, "And now You're all worn out."

**********

Hey--veronique--that's not very nice. 

Nice?  Nice?!  Did You see the Jets' defense dissolve?  Did You see Sanchez throw that interception?  Nice!  Feh. 

"You already got him.  Whaddya want to marry him for?"
       --Jack Lemmon to Kim Novak  (re: Jimmy Stewart) --"Bell, Book and Candle."

Damn good question.

Owned.

(Drops to the floor in exhaustion.  Smiles, sighs and thinks: Man, "what a long, strange trip it's been.")

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!
                    ---- Ren & Stimpy
 

From a Dom's profile i just read:

"Do you have fantasies of being tied up? Blindfolded? Love to have vibrators tease your sexy spots? Your nipples clipped? Do you have submissive desires? Ever fantasize about it? Being "forced" to please your man? "

This reminded me of the television ad in "Ghostbusters"--

"Are you troubled by strange noises in the middle of the night? Do you experience feelings of dread in your basement or attic? Have you or your family ever seen a spook, specter or ghost?"

i can't figure out why "Doms" ask these questions.  How about asking me this:  "Can I kneel before you, slave?  Huh?  Can I?  Huh?"

It's basically the same thing.

You know those eerie things that happen?  Like marriage?  Or Your mom showing up unannounced at Your dorm room?

Yesterday, i bought, for the first time in a long time, the LA Times in order to do the crossword puzzle so as to relax during my short lunch break.  Hence, 1) i rarely read the LA Times; and 2) i never read the horoscope.

But there it was-the horoscope--right next to the crossword puzzle and the day's strategy for bridge. 

So, i glanced over at it.  Aries.  That much i know.  i'm an Aries.  And i know this because the dates next to the title are there, and being a lawyer and all, that much i can figure out.

And here's what it said:

"Though you are fine on your own, success depends on how well you are supervised.  Put yourself in a position to be molded by the master, or disciplined by someone who cares."

(UP: Scary music.)

"If you're going to come out and begin a new life, why would you choose an HBO documentary, then meet with the liberal Hollywood press?  The fact that he's attacking the church or New Life Church, when they did so much to help him and his family, is below the belt."

Thaddaboy, H.B.

i defy anyone to find the part in Rod Blagojevich's hair.  i think it may require a Sherpa guide.

Quiz:

i find myself standing on line (at my daughter's insistance) for cupcakes at a gourmet cupcake house, (repeat those words--gourmet cupcake house) upon the door to which is a sign that reads, "Please keep this door closed as we do not wish to compromise the freshness of our cupcakes."  Thereafter, i get the privilege of spending thirty-six bucks on a dozen cupcakes.

Following that, the homeless person i gave a buck to had a cellphone.

Where was i???

(Two signs of the Apocalypse in one day.)

i'm reading "Atlas Shrugged."  Granted, i just started and am only 150 pages into this rather massive tome, but it's not as strong or as clean as "The Fountainhead."  i was in the book business for several years and have noticed that when an author has a big book, the next is not as well edited.  It's as if the publishing house says, "Well she got it right before, leave her alone."  She got it right before because the previous book was well edited.

Be that as it may....

There are moments of brilliant writing here:

"Two hundred tons of metal which was to be harder than steel, running liquid at a temperature of four thousand degrees, had the power to annihilate every wall of the structure and every one of the men who worked by the stream.  But every inch of its course, every pound of its pressure and the content of every molecule within it, were controlled and made by a conscious intention that had worked upon it for ten years."

The idea of raw power--power that is needed.  Strength that is not negotiable because it's required for a purpose.  Not diminished.  Not exchanged.  But harnessed.  Controlled. Molded. 

i think that's the perfect relationship between a true slave and the right Owner.

Let's see.  The chicken soup is made.  Both potato kugels are done.  The sweet potato and vegetable casserole is basically done.  The sambusak will be finished this evening, but not cooked until just before dinner tomorrow night.  i didn't make the challah this year, nor the desserts--but i did get them from a fabulous bakery.  So, that's leaves the apricot chicken.  That gets tackled when i get back from court in the morning. 

i'm debating about the brisket.  If i'm going to make it, it should be done tonight.  It's better when it sits for 24 hours.  But i may already have enough food at this point.  If i'm even the slightest bit worried, i'll put up the brisket tonight. 

So, L'Shana Tova everyone.

Is there no decorum anymore?  Is there no sense of propriety? 

In the last 24 hours:

A Dom i've been speaking to on and off (with one to two week gaps) for only 3 months, and met only once, thought our next meeting today (for lunch) was going to be in an hotel room. i had made reservations at a very lovely restaurant.  When i informed him that a second meeting does not take place in an hotel room, he cancelled.

Then, a Dom i have spoken to perhaps once on YIM left me a filthy message on YIM.  Was i supposed to be impressed and fall at his feet?  i'm not sure what he thought, but i have blocked him. 

As i explained in a previous journal entry--meeting on this site puts the relationship ass-backwards.  What we know about each other just meeting here skips months of conversation to get to this point about knowing about our sexuality.  It does not, however, skip the amount of time it takes to truly know someone and decide if there is something going on of interest other than BDSM.  And without that knowledge--i will not go forward.  What i give is too important and what i give makes me too vulnerable to rush.  If i don't truly know You, or trust You yet, nothing is going to happen. 

If You're a Dom/me looking for a net.slut who is quick to commit (and who just as quickly is going to leave), move on.  i've had two long term relationships because they were given time to "catch."  i'm on this site because it narrows the pool to what i'm looking for. It does not, however, truncate the time required to make a correct commitment.

i've been watching the highlights on the life of Shea Stadium over the last couple of weeks.  Not that i'm a huge Billy Joel fan, but it was fitting he performed the last concerts there, especially with Paul McCartney. 

i can't help feeling like i've just heard that a childhood friend is terminal and will be gone soon, and the only solace offered is that of reminiscing.

While rushing around at 5am this morning to make court 150 miles away by 10am, i was listening to Mike n' Mike on ESPN.  (i could have been watching, but i was doing that "rushing around," i just mentioned.) 

ANY-way....

They interviewed Elton Brand by phone.  According to Elton, he was going to take the lower paycheck from the Clippers if they had granted other requests--if they had showed some gratitude and respect to a guy who had hung around now for many years, given his all, and was the franchise player. 

Okay, now i'm mad at Sterling.  He "dissed" our captain.  He disrespected him. (A verb that's currently causing ennui to set in.)  i'm thinking, "Poor Elton, he was going to take the lousy $70m, but Sterling wouldn't show his gratitude.

As i'm driving home from court a bit ago--two sportswriters from the LA area are being interviewed on EPSN.  And they are both saying the same thing:  Elton wanted to go;  Philly's interest in him was documented back in February 2008; there's no way Sterling would shell out all that cash to Davis then tell the franchise player to go jump in the lake.

Now, this does make more sense: Elton wanted to go.

Son-of-a-bitch. 

i hope it snows in Philly, every day, from Sept 1 2008, through March 30, 2009.  That'll fix him.

i just had one of the most extraordinary conversations about submission--and mine in particular--with a Dominant i just recently started speaking with here on CM. 

i was going to relay here the essence of what came out of it--but i'm still churning over what was said--and i'm not sure i can accurately convey it.  And God, i want to, because it's so vitally important.  i think this post is going to go through a massive amount of editing over the next few weeks. 

THE BACKGROUND:

my last Owner, with whom i now have one of those deep, after-the-fact, warm and understanding relationships, took me on a life-altering, mind-altering journey.  He claimed me because He didn't want to start from scratch.  He wanted someone who was already trained in the basics, understood her place, accepted her position, so that He could take both the slave and Himself beyond where He'd been able to go to before.  He wanted His life and mind altered as well.  He didn't want someone He had to teach to kneel without humiliation.  He wanted someone who was capable enough, strong enough, secure enough to be so completely objectified on any level He chose--emotional, physical, psychological--when He chose to do it--that He could go far beyond any experience He had ever thought about going.

He wanted an experiment. 

But He wanted an experiment whom He could also take to dinner, a ballgame, discuss politics and law--whatever He felt like discussing, or doing, at any given time. 

The bottom line was--He needed a girl with extreme intelligence and immense inner-strength.  And i mean immense.  Not just this, "I'm not looking for a doormat" platitude.

STRENGTH v. POWER:

There is no question that i could be classified as being challenging in initial conversations with Doms. . 

Last night, a very fine Dominant i met here withstood it--met it head on and controlled that challenge.  This morning, i find i suddenly feel like a wild horse brought in hand.  i think that's the metaphor i'm going to go with and hope it doesn't sound presumptively ridiculous.

i think, currently, (if You'll just bear with me on this analogy), i'm similiar to a formally trained thoroughbred who suddenly found herself back in the wilds and has been living by her wits for the last 24 months.  Which means there's a high-performance animal some of whose traits are now obscured by the need to survive in the wilderness against the varities of life.  An animal that can be easily redirected and brought back, but who isn't going to go easily, for a variety of reasons, but will go with the right trainer.

i clearly know the type of Owner i best serve--someone with a great amount of experience, but who has perhaps stagnated somewhat because He hasn't had the opportunity to go beyond His current point--He hasn't had the right "tool."

That being said, the Owner who would seek such an "implement" needs one that isn't going to break to the point were it cannot be reused.  He requires one with great inner strength--with fortitude and confidence that actually matches His own.  And He has to be in such control of Himself--He has to be so secure in His own skin--that He wants her to have strength matching His, but He's going to subdue hers, control hers, mold it, use it for His own amusement, pleasure, wants, desires and needs. 

He doesn't take it from her and keep it.  There is no exchange here.  she keeps it--she has to--without it she folds, crumbles, is completely destroyed--she becomes useless.  If He takes her and breaks her on some level--without her strength, she cannot resurrect herself so He can continue and do it again--learning, experimenting, shaping, changing, rearranging.

We both have strength--but He has the power, which He has earned by showing He has the stamina, the intelligence, the creativity to control my strength and vitality.

THE HERE AND NOW: (aka "The Conclusion)

i am a free agent at this point in time.  i'm the horse in the wild.  i'll let You approach me--but just like You, i'm wary; and just like You want to see if i'm the right height, color, temperment---i want to see if You have the "right stuff" as well. 

i'm not challenging Your position.  i'm not being bratty (slaves aren't bratty). i am being cautious and self-protecting--as no one is protecting me right now. 

i'm unhesitatingly obedient when i know i'm in the right situation.  When i'm feeling secure.  When i'm with someone who knows how to take what i have to offer, and not only isn't frightened by it, but wants it, needs it, and shapes it to match whatever is His pleasure at any given time--His pleasure being anything from a conversation about the pros and cons of the designated hitter to the most extreme, brutal, intense mental/emotional and or physical moments He wants to experience.

But right now?  Upon "meeting" someone here or in person?  To use another hackneyed metaphor--as You get to kick my tires--i get to kick Yours. 

i'd be an idiot not to.

(This post will definitely be edited for brevity about 1,000 times over the next few days.
Wow, if i drank bad beer--it would be Miller Time.)

So....does Willie Randolph have to pay his own way back to NYC?  Am i going to see him today on the 101/405 interchange, dodging traffic and begging for spare change?

"I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your theory.  I just reject it."
                        Stephen Colbert