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My story begins when I was grown in a petrie dish by three bondage gnomes who were attempting to create a new type of rope that had "just the right coefficient of friction" and would smell like sandalwood. Unfortunately, their math was thrown off when they forgot to carry the 3 and created me purely by accident. Not wanting to admit their error, gnome number 2 (whom we lovingly refer to as "Bubba") said "I meant to do that."
Bubba would later go on to tell me such classic tales as "The Little Flogger That Could" and "Winnie the Plushie." Sadly, his attempts to disseminate these classic children's stories in the mainstream were met with polite rejection letters from publishing houses. Just once the letter was accompanied by a business card with the words "call me" written on the back.
As I grew older, the gnomes made certain to teach me several very important lessons that have served me well:
1) Things are better when tied with a bow!
2) Even as you get older, pretending can be fun.
3) Always take care of your toys.
4) Not everything that sounds contradictory is an oxymoron, like "consensual nonconsent."
5) Never trust that GPS lady's disembodied voice - whatever your actual destination, she will try to send you to Chicago.
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