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| It's been a time of healing and self-discovery for me. For quite awhile i didn't think i could do it again- give myself completely to another. And anything less would feel false.
With the support and guidance of a kind and centered Master, the tears dried and the smiles and laughter slowly returned. There are still days when i feel out of balance, but i no longer doubt my submissive nature and my basic need to serve a Dominant Man. i know now that my submission is all encompassing. It is who i am on my deepest level. i am not wired for casual play or the occasional meet. my submission begins and ends with my Master, willingly giving over control to a Master who expects and desires complete control of His slave- physical, emotional, and psychological. i am driven to please my Master, and respect and worship the Man who owns me.
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This girl, twistedgirlslave, is beginning to feel like a stranger to me. |
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Time passes. Early mornings spent watching the sunrise, evenings spent in meditation, and the guidance of a wonderful Man are helping this slave heal. i am humbled by the beauty of nature and awed by His compassion.
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I feel guilty for failing him. I feel guilty for disappointing him. I feel guilty because he thought he had found his girl, and I was so wrong in some way, that he walked away from what he had hoped would last forever. I feel guilty for not being enough.
Tonight, in this moment, these feeling have won. They have set up shop in my heart and no matter what my head does to get them out, they have taken root and refuse to budge.
Fine. I wave the white flag -- for now. I am too tired to fight it. And, anyway, I know that tomorrow will come and my heart will see some beauty in the day, and forget its sorrow for just long enough. And in that small, forgetful moment, I will gently sweep aside those feelings that are so deeply rooted tonight, and whole again, I will step forward into another glorious day.
But tonight, I weep.
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I miss Him. The way his fingers would curl around mine when I reached for Him. The way he told me I was his girl. The way he smelled. I ache inside today. |
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?Despite what you may believe, you can disappoint people and still be good enough. You can make mistakes and still be capable and talented. You can let people down and still be worthwhile and deserving of love. Everyone has disappointed someone they care about. Everyone messes up, lets people down, and makes mistakes. Not because we?re inadequate or fundamentally inept, but because we?re imperfect and fundamentally human. Expecting anything different is setting yourself up for failure.?
― Daniell Koepke
The idea that I can make mistakes and let people down and still be worthy of love is soothing my soul today. |
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Master always made me happy. He is an honest man, a man with integrity. If I wasn't making his life better, easier, happier- then he made the right decision. I will always respect him. |
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I still can't quite wrap my head or my heart around this. I try to just go about my day. There's nothing I can do to change it, so I try not to let myself think about it much. But sometimes I can't keep it at bay. He used to tell other submissive girls to stay positive. That he had looked for his girl for a long time, and now he found me and the wait was worth it. I don't know what to do with that. |
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Master released me tonight. I am heartbroken. |
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Tomorrow is my Master's birthday! He always says he wants to be 20 years younger. I adore him just the way he is. |
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Master spoiled his slave girl this weekend. What a lucky girl I am . |
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So I was recently asked- in a public forum and quite out of the blue I might add- how I serve my Master on a daily basis. And, truthfully, my mind went blank. We do not live together. We live 150 miles apart, and I don’t get to see him daily or even weekly. So to say how I serve him daily really threw me. My Master, who was part of this conversation, was able to see that I was struggling to answer the question and explained our living situation. But the question stuck with me throughout the night, and was with me all day today as I carried out a task that my Master told me to do weeks…(months?)… ago.
How do I serve my Master daily? I certainly think of him every day. And I obey the rules he has given me. I wear the necklace he gave me. I don’t call myself stupid. I try to keep his slave safe. And I do little things like text him in the mornings to try to start his day with a smile. And I try not to bother him with my “girl brain” insecurities and worries. But you know what? I realized today that I could do more, that I want to do more.
I am talking about obedience. I can be his obedient girl. I mean, I am obedient - generally. But my obedience could be more complete. It could be more pure. Sometimes my obedience is slow. Sometimes it is complicated by my questions. This is not pleasing. It doesn’t make him happy or make his day easier having to repeat himself.
Today I was working on accomplishing a task that Master told me to do weeks ago. I dragged my feet in accomplishing this task, and he has had to talk to me about it several times even though it is something that we both want. I am sorry that I acted this way. I am sorry that I caused him aggravation. This is not obedience. This is being willful. It hurts me to think that I disappointed him. I told him today that I did not feel like I failed at the task because I was working on doing it. But I did fail because I was not obedient.
If I could go back in time and re-do this, I would. I can’t erase this failure, but I can remember that obedience is what he wants from me most of all. He wants me to be his obedient slave. How did I get so lucky? What a lovely thing to be. His obedient slave. And this is how I can serve him on a daily basis, even while we are separated. It is what I can do to make his day better. I can be his obedient slave.
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| Age: 33 |
| Getafe,
Spain |
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