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This is a trick question... or a test I haven't studied for, one or the other.
The truth is, I don't know how I fit cosmically into myself right now. It's a very "I am she as you are he as you are me and we are all together" type of feeling. At one point or another I've tried to identify as boy, girl, jock, poet, bully, sissy, trans, TG/CD/TV, subbie, sugar baby, cuckold, husband, wife, Babylon Fading and Babylon Rising.
But today I could no sooner define myself than I could jump off of my balcony and take flight... though I wish equally that I could do both.
It's just as hard to feel where I would fit into the kink community. Like:
-I don't dress femme because I wish to be a woman, but I love when I can be a girl.
-I love my male life but I often yearn for a cute dress or skirt that barely covers my bum and killer heels to match.
-I hate the thought of being told what to do but at times I wish someone would just butch the fuck up and tell me I need to stand in the corner and think about what I've done.
-Sometimes I need to be told that I'm a pretty princess but other times I just need to be introduced to Mr. Wall.
-I have some of the same boy clothes I've had for years yet I hate wearing the same outfit to the club twice in the same month.
-I fuss and curse over my makeup, and dread when it's time to wash it all off.
I'm too indecisive to be good Dom but too bratty and insolent to be a serviceable sub. I envy the person who could possibly put me in check or who would unlock my desire to truly dominate them.
The girl who once upon a time showed me the elusive lucid dream of my own subspace unleashed in me something that was the closest thing I believe I've felt to actually seeing my true being. But it was a fleeting taste, and she was gone. Never forgotten. That left in me an indelible stamp on my psyche, but a limit reached isn't an endpoint; it's a marker toward the beyond. A map of where to go forth on my journey.
I'm a veteran of a recently ended LTR, with someone who for most of 5 years was on the same page as me, but who eventually grew apart from me and took another road toward her own means. It's hard to tell someone whom you once loved to just get out... But you know what's harder? Realizing that when you were no longer obligated to say "I Love You" that at some point you stopped meaning it.
And this is where I am. Looking to find who I really am amongst all the noise and consequence. Yearning for the hope of a chance of a glimpse of who I can be. Strong enough to do it alone if I must? Yes. And also smart enough to know I won't need to, and perhaps honest enough to know I don't want to.
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