thea4 on Collarspace

7/21/2013 5:26:12 AM

Despite being out and about on the kink scene for the last few years, I live (and have lived) a pretty vanilla lifestyle. The kinky friends I have are my friends because they are awesome people. The fact that I can discuss my dirtiest fantasies with them, that I can fully express myself, that I can be totally 'me' - that's a bonus. So, what am I looking for? Ultimately I want to be with someone, a partner not just a plaything. But this 'scene', this lifestyle, is also about expressing myself and having fun. There's no harm in that as long as everyone is on board. What do I want? I don't want to be dominated. I want to be able to submit. There's a subtle, but important, difference. I know I'm preaching to the converted mostly but I want to feel safe and secure enough to give up my power. I want to be able to surrender myself completely. To feel that delicious thrill of anticipation as I wonder 'what now' ... 'what next'? I want to be tied up. I want to be come on, I want my hair pulled tightly whilst I'm thrust into from behind. I want to be told that I'm naughty, that I need to be a good little girl. I want to please. I want to give myself up to someone and let them take control. That doesn't mean that I want to be humiliated, or hurt, or made to feel worthless. Some pain is good, but I'm really a wimp. Rape fantasies are just that - fantasy. Consent has to be freely given and can be withdrawn at any time. I'm not interested in someone who just wants to control me. I have a brain, I have a loud mouth and I'm a massive flirt. Treat me right, though, and I'll be a loyal and devoted lover. I also make a pretty awesome friend! I have a busy and demanding 'everyday' life. I have a stressful job, where other people completely rely on me. I have a disabled child. I have animals to care for. I spend most of my life caring for other people, with no-one to care about me. Yes, I have plenty of friends, but I am not, and fair enough, their top priority. I may want to submit. I may want to be looked after. I may want someone to take control, to make the decisions sometimes. I may want to be - AM (in the bedroom) - shy, and sweet, and (mostly) innocent. I may want to not have to take responsibility for one fucking moment of my life, to be able to trust someone and rely on them to do that. To be a girl, and not a 'grown up'. But, also, as I said before, that's not the whole me. I have many and varied interests. I have opinions. I like to have a laugh, have discussions, and be supportive not just supported. I am not defined by my kink. I don't play at being a baby girl. I've certainly never been described as shy, though I am an extroverted introvert. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy. I'm me - complex yet simple as I am. I'm no expert, but to me - even if you live the life 24/7 - there's more to a relationship than the kink. Of course it's important, if you're not completely vanilla (and I'm not). But essentially the relationship comes first, even if that relationship is just a sexual one, and the kink is not secondary but additional I suppose. I'm prepared to be told I'm completely wrong on this, but I would hazard a guess that my feelings are shared by quite a few people on this site. So, if you read this and want to make friends (or more), say hello. I don't bite (much).