I have continued with my online Dom now for a while and I am completely enjoying every minute of it. We have been at it now for several months but I continue to find myself coming and going, meaning it still scares me how bad I want and crave this lifestyle. So at times I withdraw myself but luckily I have a very patient Dom that respects that I need to have I life too while trying to balances my inner wants and needs. What still seems to amaze me is that I still get excited and nervous with what he might have planned for me. I also continue to be surprised by my hunger for domination...now if I could only trust someone enough in my real life to truly understand that this is what my body is craving. 

I had to step away a bit and withdraw myself to finish up school so that I could focus. I know I have said it before but once you start exploring and learning and maybe even playing a bit, IT takes over. Consumes my thoughts of being tied up and at someone else's mercy. The thought of someone being able to read my body and it's responses is fascinating for me and scares me a bit even. Scares me because I can see how being a sub can take over your thoughts, emotions, and body responses. Also scary because I have never allowed someone to have that kind of control over me but I keep coming back here and drawn to finding this kind of relationship with someone. 

I need to stop running and face my fears...

I am new to the bdsm world and though I am new I am ready to learn. I am already amazed by the mental depth that it has over me. I find myself thinking of this often and wondering while I am at work if people can read through me and see my thoughts. I wonder if they would think I am a freak or off my rocker... or am I just thinking the thoughts that they don't allow themselves to... I am starting to understand that I am neither of these and that I am just more aware of myself and willing to admit my needs.