I don’t care anymore. I wish I did, but the truth is I don’t. I used to be a fine husband and mate and now I don’t care for her anymore. My definition of beauty for any female use to be was how much she looked like my mate. I still like her, I guess, but I don’t care for her anymore. I hope nothing happens to her, but if it did I would not care. I care more for a sub (KY and too far away)  I corresponded with briefly here on collar space than I do for her. I guess I am looking for someone to care about again.  

I have gotten some varied replies on my last journey entry. Most have been polite and some even offered some thoughtful advice and I thank you all.  One reply got my goat. At its heart was the definition of abuse and cruelty. The message suggests I was not a worthy Dom because I did not beat the shit out of my wife. I have never struck a woman out of angry. I have whipped my fair share and spanked many more, but as a mutual experience. I have role played the stern task master and dished out some harsh punishments, but only to willing partners. It is the submission that I feed on, not the act itself.  

My Wife wants to be submissive to me, I never lack for coffee, and she lays out my clothes each day for work. That’s about the extent of her abilities, anything more overwhelms her. I realize now I should have never started any S/M play with her at all. There is a vast difference between a true submissive and one that put’s up with it to satisfy her mate. It took me time to learn this lesson, that and a half a dozen sessions with a true submissive. From her I learned the intoxicating effects S/M truly has on both partners. 

Why am I here on line looking for a partner. Let’s start with I am not perfect. I suffered from the “I can fit it” flaw. This I, unwisely, applied to my partner and now I am stuck. She is a good person but a lousy mate. Things started well enough and we enjoyed an active sex life to include a lot of S/M. She announced one day that this type of sex was against God and we had to stop. So we did. I found normal sex very trying and slowed way down. (faked a lot just to end it) We went a couple of years with sex only once or twice. I then stopped it altogether. She has now come back as said she was wrong about S/M and asked me to do it again. That boat has sailed. I realize now she was never into it, just put up with it to please me. She has some level of submission but she is far to self-centered to ever make a decent sub. The only play she truly enjoyed was water sports. Now this is not so bad, but things got worst. She is a hoarder. I just cannot live like this. I have rooms in my house I cannot go into, they are so full. I decided to leave her in 09. I was in training for a deployment and had not been home for months. I came home and found she had not bathed in weeks nor had she cleaned anything. What’s more I had no place to sit, every chair was stacked full of junk. Found she was keeping dryer lint! Well I went to Afghanistan for a year and hooked up with a switch on line. I moved in with her upon my return and left a week later. A Pathologic lyre is not a good mate. I returned home and worked to clean things up and clean her up as well. I tried again to get her professional help and she refused. So I moved out again, I had taken a job on the North side of indy and lived with my sister for about a year. During this time I did have a couple of lovers early on, both were very nice but it was regular sex, again no interest. I then starting to write my novel and did not want the distraction. This went well till I got downsized….again. So back home again. I used the novel as a major distraction, focused upon that rather than any lovers. I did have one woman in Fort Wayne but she got cold feet and we did not meet in person, only on line, again a very nice person.

                Why don’t I get a divorce? Good question and one I will try to answer. I am responsible for her. She has not worked in over twenty years and now with failing health I doubt she could again. Insurance is the big issue, as she also is manic depressive. The volume of pills and the expense would overwhelm her. She has no family to fall back on and no friends. I am responsible for her well being, just I want something for myself also. I have to stay married.