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subtlyAlpha

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Friends:
AZMaster1969strictBUTTfare

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I'm a curious mix of contradictions - an Alpha Woman, and a sub. A Lady and a slut. Outgoing, and introverted. Brilliant, and humble. Willing to admit what I know, and eager to learn what I don't know. I'm a classic Capricorn and INTJ, and I'm pagan.
This, plus my quirks, strengths and weaknesses makes me who I am, and shapes what I want.
Kink-wise? Well. I'm interested in power exchange and pain - but mainly, I'm exploring. I've got a couple of friends in the life, but I don't have much personal experience, as I've only been consciously aware of my kinkiness since September 2010.
I believe that I have a general idea of the kind of D/s relationship that I'm looking for - one that is a a medium to high Protocol blend of submission, service and sex - but I'm open to discovering my niche in something different - as long as it suits me.
I'm trying to learn about myself, and for the first time since I've been sexually active, I'm really trying to figure out what turns ME on, outside of my current partner/situation. All I'm certain of is that I'm kinky and adventurous, and prefer a bit of spice in my life.
I'm looking for - I'm not sure. Connections? Insights? Friends? Lovers? Dominants? People of interest? Teachers? Students? laughs I'm looking for an authentic series of interactions that will expose me to many kinky paths, so that I can determine the best one for ME.
I discovered the forums first, and after weeks of reading them, I decided it was high time to set up a profile and actually participate - so I suspect I'll be on 'the other side' more than I'll be perving profiles. Drop me a line, and we'll see where we go from there.
K.

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8/19/2011 3:40:58 PM

7/20/2011 6:30:05 PM

If this twisted
bittersweet fantasy
could ever dream
of coming true
it would slide
through the cracks
of time
and space
into some whirlwind
of potentialities
unborn
to tug and scream
and fight its way
through the obstacles
of our separate
existences

If this twisted
bittersweet fantasy
ever came true
it would be born
of blood and fear
tears and honor
cradled in the nook
of our hearts
nursed on the essence
of our selves
bound to each other
and to itself
with barbed ribbons
of hopes unfettered
and dreams awoken


7/15/2011 4:54:46 PM

 

Dom/me Dearest

I’ve been asked - and challenged - on what I’m looking for in a Dominant. I appreciate the challenges, because they help me clarify my desires, and allow me to understand them in a way that reflects my submission.
In my mind, the choice of a Master/Mistress is one of the greatest powers a submissive has. I must chose - and chose WISELY - because after I make that choice, and submit to Her, all other choices are in His hands. So, I’m a bit specific. And a bit particular. And I don’t think that it lessens my submission at all - I’m not asking anyone to change to suit me, I’m looking for one who is already what I need. I may never find Her - but I hope that I will.
His life would be in order - her health, his home, her finances, his mind, her spirit. He would be close to my age - minus five years, plus twenty. She would be self-aware, and honest with both himself and others about her motivations and desires. His ethics would be similar to mine, and she would not be highly religious, but instead deeply spiritual. He would be a reader, and have a well-honed intelligence.
She would enjoy the journey and growth of a D/s relationship, and would push and challenge me while escorting me every step of the way. He would be very communicative and frequently - one of those folks with whom conversation flows smoothly across a range of topics, and yet is comfortable with conversational silences. She would be happy without children, and would be willing and interested in a fully polyamorous relationship.
His House would run with medium to high protocol, and she would either be local, or willing to meet frequently until one of us is free to relocate. He would be a sexual sadist who understands the concept of pain as intense sensation. She will be fascinated by who I am, and desire to possess every aspect of me, and never wish to warp the core of who I am.

(Yes, the gender jumped back and forth. It was the only way I could think to be clear that I’m interested in Dominants of both sexes, and I couldn’t accurately remember Calla’s lovely zhe/zhir gender neutral pronouns.)

I have a few hard limits that I would enter into a relationship with, and I expect that some of these limits will fall away over time as the connection, synergy, trust and energy between myself and my Dominant grows.

Facial Pictures
Scat Play
Permanent Damage (including branding and scarification)
Sexual Interaction with individuals under 21
Blood Play
Bestiality
Unprotected Sex
Permanent Relaxer


7/14/2011 6:07:26 PM

The Story of Lady S.


I grew up Muslim, which looking back, was my first exposure to submission in women. The women were explicitly and definitively submitted to their husbands, but still retained their own agency and self-worth. However, even as a child, I had issues with the caliber of men who they were submitted to – while devotion to the faith and to Allah was all well and good – not being able or willing to financially support your family and yet expecting complete respect from them raised my hackles.

Amusingly enough, it was also my first exposure to the concept of polyamoury/polygamy, as the understanding that a man could have multiple wives was a commonly accepted one – though, a man who was not able to financially support his multiple wives was strongly frowned upon.

Throughout my youth, I was consistently and constantly a very sexually aware child – I had my first orgasm around 7, and had a rich fantasy life fueled by books I wasn’t supposed to be reading. Interestingly enough, most of my fantasies – then and now – focused on some form of power exchange/dominance – whether through explicitly non-consensual sex, teacher/student or incestuous father/daughter interactions.

As I matured, the message around relationships and sex that was drilled into me was twofold, but the core message was always – Maintain your independence. Maintain your sense of self – because there are many who will use you for their own ends, and discard you. Make sure that it’s always your choice, and remember that you always have a choice. Never be so dependant that you cannot walk away.

To these ends, my mother demanded that I be educated in a manner that would allow me to potentially attend college, and our (mine and hers) combined determination to send me to college is what eventually ended her marriage, as my stepfather was much more interested in marrying me off early and reaping the dowry I would be entitled to.

My early relationships were largely shallow and superficial – I was learning how to be with an individual, and found that I was often far too willing and eager to shape myself into the woman that my partner wanted me to be – no matter how far from my core self that woman was. After a period of time – usually around 9 months – I would ‘crack’, and dump them because I could no longer handle the self-abnegation that maintaining the relationship demanded. I didn’t fall in love, and I loved sex – I was never fully faithful in any of my relationships. The lure of the new, of the forbidden, would arouse me more than almost anything else in my ‘current’ relationship did. While I frequently merely ‘danced the line’, and returned to my partner brimming with wild sexual energy – the energy of other was essential to my sexual self.

This relationship patterns continued through college, where I became a Unicorn around the age of 21. I was cute, bisexual, single, willing to fuck couples, allergic to drama, and utterly un-interested in ‘taking yo man’. I was a popular woman, and was eventually ‘claimed’ by one of the men who was my most frequent partner in the swing club I was a part of.

Looking back, our relationship was the first time I actively wanted to be dominated. I would challenge him, constantly, in a ‘bratty’ kind of way. I remember him telling me to stay in bed once, after a raucous session of sex, and instead I went creeping through the house. He caught me, and took me back to bed, and spanked me for being a bad girl – and I loved it. It felt enormously right, and I found myself ‘acting out’ more and more with him – but he made the mistake of falling in love with me, and opted to let me ‘slide’ on much of my behavior. I rapidly lost interest in him after that, and returned to a more ‘vanilla’ – though still swinging –  mode of relationships.

I resisted commitment – to the point that I broke up with the couple that I was a third with, and in the process of running from her desires, stumbled into the arms of an ex and became pregnant.
That deeply wounded the free-spirited core of my sexual self, and brought a screeching halt to most of my interpersonal interactions. I rapidly fled the city after graduation, and ran almost directly into my future husband.   

Our relationship, from the start, was – imbalanced.  A combination of marijuana and amazing sex started our relationship, and hopes that he would mature into the man he dreamed of becoming and that I desired him to be kept it going.

I ran the marriage – I made most of the money, I was the only one who consistently kept a job, I organized and planned and decided what we were going to do, and when, and how. And it wasn’t that I wanted to – it was simply that I learned, through a few major things and some minor ones – that if I relied on him to take the lead, he would fuck it up and look to me to fix his mistakes.

And at the same time, I craved something else – something different. I’m a dyed in the wool feminist – which means I believe women and men should be treated equally, that gender roles are often detrimental because they force people – male and female – into behaviors that they might not prefer, and more specifically that any choice a woman makes as far as her life desires – from prostitute to housewife to President is a valid choice.

Even with all of that – I still wanted to be – protected. Cared for. Dominated. I wanted a strong hand, and a strong man that I could rely on. I wanted kink, in some form, and I fell back on what I was familiar with – swinging. My ex, however, established a strict one-penis policy, and I found my sexual desires dimming. I was being stifled, and I was being shoved into a role I didn’t want, and I didn’t have the words to express any of it to myself or him.

I traveled out of the country on a regular basis, and I cheated on each trip – it was a thrill. It reminded me of my power, and I did some remarkably dangerous things in the process. I always managed to avoid being hurt – or arrested - but I was consistently dancing on the edge of the blade.

I looked into the concept of Modern Womanhood, and being Taken in Hand – and while I didn’t fully understand or respect some of the concepts – it called to me. A large part of the problem was that I still loved my husband, but the thought of him dominating me in any way was ludicrous – and because of his one-penis policy, there was no chance of me finding what I craved elsewhere.

We started trying to have children, as I still had that hope and dream of a life as a wife and a mother, who could rely on her husband to support his family – and after 3 years of infertility, which overlapped 2 years of him being unemployed – I realized that not only was that hope foolish, it was downright dangerous to myself, and to any child that we might have had.  

At the same time that I was making this realization, I had a huge emotional and energetic breakthrough in my spirituality, and my sexuality reawakened with a howl and a roar – and I had utterly no interest in having sex with my husband. The frequency of our sex had been an on-going issue throughout our marriage, and he hated the fact that he almost always initiated, and wanted me to be more ‘aggressive’. I tried to explain to him that it wasn’t in me to be that way – and I found that the more of the weight of the rest of our lives together I carried, the less willing I was to be the ubersexual aggressive, initiatory freak that he wanted. I repeatedly suggested to him that he find another woman who would be better able to satisfy his sexual urges, but he wanted that woman to be me.  

Within a month of these two realizations, his car’s engine spontaneously combusted and my first reaction when he called me to tell me what happened was deep disappointment that he lived through it. The conscious realization that this is how I felt about him and our relationship was a shock of cold water, and I asked him for a divorce less than a week later.  

Almost at the same time that I was making these sexual and spiritual discoveries, and old friend from college and I began chatting again, after years of very spotty contact. Our initial interactions were utterly platonic on my side, and because I’m often oblivious, I assumed that they were the same on his side. The fact that my ‘gut’ pinged him as ‘dangerous’ should have been a warning that what I thought I felt wasn’t what I actually felt, and in a matter of weeks after telling him about my divorce, we discovered deep feelings for each other – which led to him telling me that he wanted to own me.

The almost orgasmic sense of rightness to this statement shoved me headfirst into researching BDSM and kink, and it was like a room full of lightbulbs went off – I was submissive in my interpersonal relationships, and an Alpha submissive in my wider life. I voraciously learned as much as I could, and the reason for the collapse of my marriage became crystal clear. My sexual self was lit on fire – and yet, despite my deep hunger and yearning for sex with as many people in as many ways as possible, I still had the self-control and wisdom to have discretion and discernment about the partners that I chose.

The relationship between my old friend rapidly progressed to that of an uncollared sub/Sir relationship – and the reason it stagnated there was two-fold – he was long distance, and married. While he and his wife swung, she was unaware of me, and Oaths that I made to my faith forbade me from assisting another in breaking vows they had taken. I needed him. I craved him. I hungered for him in ways I’ve never felt for anyone else – and I could not have even a fraction of what I wanted from him. It drove me a tiny bit crazy for a while, and it broke my heart on a weekly basis, and after much consideration, I requested to be released from the loose D/s relationship we had formed.

During this time, I also became involved in a poly relationship with the husband of a good friend, and he/they acted as an emotional and spiritual touchstone for me. They were also in the process of rediscovering their kink, and watching their growth and progression and interactions inspired feelings of deep envy in me.  I found a deep sense of love and peace in being part of their family – but I wanted more kink. I needed more kink. I found a local ‘Dom’ who offered the occasional spate of rough sex and tool-free pain – but I still craved more.

One of my spiritual teachers is also a Domme, and for New Years I had the honor of being co-topped (completely non-sexually, as sexual contact would violate the teacher/student ethics we have) by her and her Dom husband – and my position as a masochist was confirmed. I screamed. I howled. I growled and writhed and cried and moaned and loved every moment of it. It placed me within my body and freed me from my body in a way I’d never experienced before and knew I had to experience again. I was bruised for weeks afterwards, and was thrilled that I was able to have this first experience with those that I trusted completely.

They are part of a High Protocol House, and because of their high standards for other Dom/me’s – I have learned to be reserved, and safe, and cautious of who I allow to touch me, and how. So far, I have met very few that I would be willing to allow to use ANY tool on me – as none of them seem to have even a loose familiarity with the standards their House holds, nor do they seem to take their responsibilities as Dom/me as seriously as I take my responsibility as a sub.

That brings me to now. I’ve informally collared myself with focus and imagination, and I’m learning more about my own submission and kinky desires. I’m slowly stepping out into the local community, and I’m journaling and writing down my own thoughts and expectations.

I’m comfortable being ‘unclaimed’. I’m confident in exploring my submission alone, until I can find the One who deserves the submissive that I believe I will be. I still desire a relationship with my ex-Sir, as his marriage has now ended – but the distance is still there, which is still a harsh limit of reality to the hopes of what we might have.

This is my story thus far. I’m eagerly and patiently walking and learning, looking forward to what is beyond the next curve.


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MistressCandy
 
 Age: 41
  Mississippi