Not sure how to get out of this downward spiral. cry at night. back to not eating and not sleeping so lonely and no one understands. just want to make it stop.

losing my Master was a loss that has affected me deeply as You can read in my journal. What scares the hell out of me now is getting taken advantage of or used. it's so easy to be taken advantage of as a submissive without having some protection. we all know that not all Doms and subs will match well. it's not like there is the bachelorlette for bdsm. I'm searching for a partner in life that is also my Master.  it's a tall order, I know.

Falling down a spiral. That is what I feel like. My ex Master and i were keeping in contact daily but in the past 24 hours i have realized how destructive that is to me and my future owner who ever that my be. Must put to rest that relationship and move on. I cannot continue in this spiral where all I do is work, cry, and sleep. I wish Him all the best and hope He gets well. The conversation was hard for me but I had to take back my power. I cannot freely submit and give my power to another if i still feel it in His hands. So now to start over. Small steps regain my submissive. Yes my walls are back up, and as the book says, im fifty shades of f**ked up. So step one, get my mind back. When im home I will be in my submissive form. Daily tasks, dress a certain way, even kneeling on the bed for a period of time. When the one finds me, I fully anticipate him to break down my walls again, no matter how tough it will be, and rebuild me into who I'm suppose to be. And for those who show promise they will be able to email my ex Master to know what the are walking into. My stubbornness, my trust issues, my brattiness, and whatever else He knows if me. No more self pity and depression for me. I thought I was broken, but just fractured. 

Sorry it's been a while since my last entry. Still trying to find my way. When my previous Master and i separated i fell into a deep depression. Basically all i have done is work, cry, sleep. My need to please and serve i thought was lost. Maybe it is. But i have to be who i am. For me, i am a submissive. Must please, obey, and serve the one who claims me. In the end i want that person to teach me how to please and serve Him. There will be times that i will be defiant and push back so He must be strong. He must possess me. Know every inch of me body mind and soul. Break down my barriers and show me the way to happiness through submission to Him. But don't break my spirit my independence my personality. Then there are my fantasies where my Dom is so proud of His sub that He wants to show me off. His power and control. And as His to do whatever He bids me. He will explain to me and guide me. 

My Master and I have decided for Him and what He is going through that He cannot be the guiding force in my life. He wants me to start the search for a new guiding force in my life. But whomever this person is must understand that i will still be in contact with and see my previous Master as a friend. Yes i know dominants are territorial. But i hope to find one that is also understanding of my previous relationships and will respect them.

Seems life lately is full of chaos. Need to find a way to bring order to my life temporarily while my Master is dealing with His own chaos. Any suggestions?

What does age mean between two people? Is age really that important? Not sure you can control who you fall in love with. Are you suppose to walk away from someone you love because of age?

What is wrong with me? My Master is going through some health issues and does not want me to see Him, support Him, take care of Him. Is this a dominant thing where you don't want to show weakness? He tells me it is not. He is expecting the worst outcome and does not want me to see it. Yes He is older by 13 years but so what? For me it is not about age or time. Whatever the future holds I want to be by His side. I want to serve in whatever situation is thrown at me with Him. I'm so frustrated. Can anyone help me with any advice? I just want to show my love for Him and dedication to Him. He wants us to back off the Ds and just be friends. How does one do that with Your Master? I know He is thinking this is best for me. Yes I have needs and need structure and discipline. Yes I need a strong man in control. Right now that man feels out of control and I have no idea what to do. Please let me know if You have any advice. Hugs and kisses to all.

What a journey this has been. I continue to learn from my Master everyday. Focus is an area I need to work on. I am sure all You subbies know what I'm talking about. Our Masters and Doms love to work us into a frenzy and we must control our reactions or focus on other tasks while being worked over. Any tips that anyone has would be most appreciated. Bye for now :-)

How to balance a D/s relationship in the bedroom and be partners outside the bedroom when your Master is dominant all the time? This is what I'm struggling with. I am submissive and crave giving up control but not sure if I can give up control TPE. 

Why do I love to please my Master? This journey of mine raises these kind of questions. As a woman I think it is just in our genes. Society tells us to be independent, strong, and master of our own desire. Of course I maintain full control of my life outside of my Master. But releasing control and giving Him my submission keeps me in check and I am able to maintain the independence and control in the rest of my life. I know it does sound like I contradict myself and maybe a hard concept to grasp. Finding a Master that can balance both sides is key. I am so very lucky. 

How I love to please my Master. I've been a very good girl the past two weeks and received a special reward. Master tells me my desire to please and serve Him runs deep within me. When he allows me to pleasure Him it gives me a deep satisfaction. It is so good being His Good Girl.

The art of teasing....my Master is oh so good at it. He can tease me in person, on the phone, or by text and work my mind and body up until I'm begging for release. He had me so wound up yesterday that when He gave me permission to orgasm that my mind and body exploded to the longest squirting orgasm. Now is it ever acceptable to tease your Master into a frenzy????

Some confusion that im trying to work through today. To please my Master as well as serve. I want to give Him my everything. I know that's a broad term. How to give everything without losing who I am. I am a submissive. Submissive by nature. But an independent person. I am most happy when He is pleased with me. I belong to Him. I always have. But I belong to me to. How do I belong to Him and be true to myself? I am so lucky to have a Master that talks to me, listens to me, to help guide me on this path. I know there are those who believe this life is to control a woman and bend them to their will. But if You listen to Your submissive instead of demanding all the time that Master/sub relationship grows even deeper. The connection is like nothing I have ever felt. My love for Him yes deep. The connection to myself is deeper now to. Now to bring the two together is a new path I look forward to taking. 

Thoughts today are how to balance being submissive with the rest of my world. I want nothing more than to please and serve my Master. However I am an independent person. Work and family where they depend on me for the guidance and I must stay in control. Is it possible to balance both? The need to give up control is just as big for me as staying in control. Happy New year to all. 

Do you remember when you were younger and everyone told you the mind is a terrible thing to waste? People forget, including myself, what a powerful thing the mind is. Master put a vivid image of a scene in my mind where I would be bound to a beam with my hands above me, standing with my legs bound wide, and He teases my body into a frenzy. What I didn't realize was I instinctively put my hands above me head and spread myself wide for Him and stayed in place without physical restraints. It was like I was actually bound like that. He took me there with His voice, and then when He had me in that space where we as submissives long to be, He took me over the edge and I came and came and had orgasm after orgasm and could not stop. These were not small orgasms. These were whole body squirting not stopping bring you to your knees orgasms. Master continues to surprise me with these events. Things that I could not imagine before. So tip of the day is open your mind. If you don't, it is a terrible thing to waste. 

I know I've not been on in a while. Been a crazy couple of months. Today I want to write control. Yes of course Master is in control at all times. But what I want to talk about is your own control. I've always given myself over to Him. However today was different. It is a bit hard to describe. When I am restrained that puts my body and mind in the right place. Then my body becomes His. He is in total control and knows my body. How it responds to Him. He can push me so far then my control has to kick in. Controlling my orgasms until He allows me. Yes He is in control but I want to please Him and never disobey. Controlling my orgasm today was different than other times. He knew I was ready to explode. But by not giving me permission He actually had the control. My orgasms are tidal waves if You get my meaning. Controlling that was the hardest test for me yet. And I made it and was rewarded with multiple tidal waves.  You know that moment where the world is in black and white then it goes to color? How lucky are we as submissives? If you are owned by your soul mate like me then you understand. 

Trust. Today i learned that i trust my Master completely. For those of you that don't know i had a bad experience with anal sex. Today i gave my Master complete trust to experiment. The results blew my mind. Giving myself to Him completely. Now my Master is quite big. So He has started small, fingers first of course. Am i scared as we move towards this? Hell yes! Do i trust Him? Do i know He will never hurt me? Hell yes! So i am scared, nervous, excited all at the same time. All of you that read my journal entries, thank you for sharing this journey with me. This journal is a great outlet for me. It lets me express what is going on in my head without judgement. Until next time xoxo...

Another revelation today for me. The overwhelming need to please and serve my Master. This need is just not a sexual need. To do even little things for Him. Like having His favorite drink at my house. Learning what food He likes so i can make it. Help Him by listening to His day. Next to find out is why do i need this? That is next to explore. What are everyone else's needs and what is the root of them? If you are submissive do You also have the need to please and serve? What is the reason? If You are Dominant what drives You to have someone please and serve You?

Let me first say that I do not have "daddy" issues. My father was a man I admired and aspired to be like. Discovery of the day for me is the similarities between my Master and my father. My dad passed in 2007. Since then i had lost the guidance and strong force in my life. Nothing made me happier than when he was proud of me. Also learned at a young age to obey. I would make great effort not to get the belt or switch. Nothing for me ever became real until I told dad. He always called me out on my bullshit and held me accountable. My Master has the same spirit. I crave His attention, His approval and touch. He is the Master of my mind, body and soul. He is always taking care of me even when i don't realize it. But why i am i drawn to Him? Plan on discovering that next. Why are You drawn to submissive people as a Dom or to a Dom as a submissive? 

To my Master (and He knows who He is), i was a very bad sub. I should have talked to You when i fell from Your control. You had always tried to mentor me, teach me, correct me. I took it for granite. This subbie has hit rock bottom and had to to understand who is Master of my body, my mind and my soul. I can only hope that He will read this and know that with Him, i will strive to respect, obey, and serve only Him.

For me, the need to understand why i am submissive is just as big for me as being submissive. This is a journey for me. It's not just about sex. The need to respect, obey and serve is deep rooted. There are so many layers. Craving the validation that im not screwed up. Craving my Masters approval and why the words good girl make me melt. Thoughts anyone?