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Butler, servitor, personal assistant, submissive.
If you would like to know my mind, my journal is at your disposal.
Recently released from 5yr r/l D/s relationship.
FAQ's
Q: Are you owned?
A: No.
Q: Are you looking?
A: No.
Q: Would you be interested in an online relationship?
A: No.
Q: Are you a sub or a slave?
A: I've been a sub to three, a slave to one.
Q: What are you looking for in a Mistress?
A:
I'm not looking for a Mistress. I consider the following traits to be
desirable in a Domme. honesty. knowledge. loyalty. elegance. self
control. creativity. consistency. respect. affection. self realization.
compassion. discretion. intelligence. patience. responsibility.
I
consider the following traits to be essential in a relationship.
honesty. love. loyalty. consistency. consideration. satisfaction.
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Today I stood side by side with women, children, soldiers, marines, veterans, police and bikers... Hell's Angels, Mongols, and Righteous Ones...
We stood watch with the Patriot Guard at a young man's funeral.
It's a pity that this unity is found in times of strife, yet so infrequent in times of plenty.
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Start night classes at college next week... straight from work to school... won't be around as often
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Yearning crashes within me
a tempest that threatens to rend my very being
shatter my soul on the hungry reefs
mind churning furious
dragging primal urges from the depths
emotions once given to a watery abyss
the wicked storm bellows mercilessly
wracking body and mind
demanding surrender
to the whim of desire
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Last night I saw one of the most disgraceful displays of Domme ego
stroking and posturing that I’ve witnessed yet in that chat room. it
was so pathetic it was nearly painful to watch. and I know that actions
like this aren't limited to Dominants or women.
It reminded me
of high school. The popular girls all trying to catch the eye of the
new guy in school. and in the boy’s ignorance, he thinks they actually
like him. that it's about him. it's an ego boost. a stroke. But it’s really not about him at all. it’s about them.
As soon as the contest begins, his identity is lost in their shallow
little pea brains. He becomes a trophy. a feather in a cap. a notch on
a lipstick case. The prize in a contest that doesn’t even really
involve him or his worth. And after a very short time, his thoughts,
opinions, emotions, his needs, desires, and even boundaries Don’t
Matter to them. They become so wrapped up in their own egos that the
trophy male could be on his deathbed and the only reason they would
rush to his side would be to see who got there first.
The
"trophy" often doesn’t see this. and if it’s pointed out to them, the
one who tries is often accused of being envious or jealous.
Unfortunately, by the time the trophy sees for him/herself what’s
actually going on, most have already built their self-esteem on this
false value and it breaks them down.
The kid that’s the
current trophy in the chat room told me once that he enjoys that kind
of attention. So, I haven’t attempted to advise him again.
If he is
who he says he is, I hope for his sake that he steps back and really
looks at the situation. especially after what I witnessed last night
with hard limits and safe zones not being respected. I hope for his
sake he looks at the actions in the chat room as indicators of
personality. I hope for his sake he asks the question “if they don’t
respect my hard limits in here, even in fun, what makes me think
they’ll respect any limit or boundary. anywhere. with anything? What
makes me think they actually respect me?” I hope for his sake he has
enough courage and self-esteem to try to stand on his own merit. and to
actually take a stand. I hope for his sake that he can see it.
Not too long ago I was "the new guy in school."
Good thing I have a pretty good bullshit detector. and I'm really not
interested in being a trophy male. I'm not interested in being the
notch on the whore red lipstick case of the "popular girls" who compete
for their attention.
*bites my lip and quirks a wicked eyebrow* I'm hot for Teacher.
the classy, sexy Lady with deep intellect, dignity, and self-respect.
who can make me feel like a clumsy schoolboy with a look. then let her
hair down, bathe in passion, and let me know how much she values me as
a man. the one who inspires my deepest desire to serve and please,
without a single demand. the one who can drop me to my knees and make
me soar all at once.
*closes my eyes and basks in the warmth of flushed skin*
mmmmmm yyyyyyesssssssss
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A different way of looking at the Climate Change Crisis
Let's go back to grade school for a moment… where we learned several things:
1. The Earth revolves around the Sun
2. The Earth is tilted on its axis
3. That's how we get summer and winter… in summer time we have more
exposure to the sun, therefore it's hotter.
4. The Equator is hotter than the other places on the Earth because
it's got the most exposure to the sun in both summer and winter.
Now let's review a few other facts that you may have forgotten:
1. The Earth's orbit isn't a circle, it's elliptical.
2. The perihelion is when the Earth comes closest to the Sun in its orbit.
3. The aphelion is when the Earth is farthest from the Sun.
4. The perihelion and aphelion are not static, they change every year,
although very slowly. It takes about 21,000 years for them to go
through a complete calendar year. In other words, if the perihelion
(hypothetically) came into January 1, one minute after midnight, in
the year 2000… it would cycle through the year, later and later… until
the year 24000AD, when it would be back at one minute after midnight
on January 1. It takes about 58 years to get through one day.
5. The perihelion and aphelion, being related to distance from the
sun, which also involves the tilt of the earth, the season, and orbit…
would also then "move" up and down latitudinally.
Now… let's do some logical deduction:
1. Perihelion + Summer time = HOT
2. Aphelion + Summer time = mild
3. Perihelion + Winter time = mild
4. Aphelion + Winter time = COLD
Add some current facts:
The perihelion for 2008 is around January 3
The aphelion for 2008 will be around July 3
Which means the Southern Hemisphere will be the closest to the sun
during the hottest months of their summer. It also means the Northern
Hemisphere will be closest to the sun at the coldest months of the
year. Does this mean everyone in the Southern Hemisphere can expect a
drought, and everyone in the north can expect no snow? Not
necessarily.
Consider this:
We know that water evaporates under the heat of the sun, forms into
clouds, and then comes back down as precipitation after it's been
cooled enough. We also know that air current is caused by warming and
cooling it and the more drastic the change in temp, the stronger the
wind current, the more powerful the storms.
Now if you have the perihelion in the summer time, right over the top
of a huge body of water (that would be the Southern Atlantic and
Pacific Oceans as well as the Indian Ocean and the ice of Antarctica
melting)… you've got ocean waters warming, ice melt on the polar caps
because of it, record breaking storms coming off the water…
We still have a few centuries to get through before the perihelion
even moves out of January. Seventeen centuries to be exact. That's
right… one thousand seven hundred years.
Just something to think about when people start talking about Global Warming.
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place...
it's so much easier when one knows where their place is in the dynamics of any situation.
here... where I live... it's not so defined.
The Master of the Household knows his place.
His slave knows her place.
The Switch acts more like a bratty sub.
The Switch's subs know their place.
When medical issues overtake the Master, the Household flounders like a ship tossed about in a storm. without anyone at the helm.
so... who's been stepping up? me. that's right... me. the outsider. and a sub.
By all rights, the Switch should be the Master's hand and voice. but he's not. It's been to me to appoint tasks, see to the daily activities, even make sure the bills get paid.
The Master recently decreed that i am to be the alpha when he's out of commission. until the Switch earns the privelege.
me. uncollared. unowned. me. an alpha. over a Switch. in his own house.
oh boy.
this is going to get interesting.
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*taps my forehead*
ok. Let's go over this one more time. for the Dommes who don't read in depth in my journal.
Let's begin with respect vs courtesy.
Courtesy is given.
Respect is earned.
If you haven't earned my respect, or have lost it for some reason, the best you can hope for is courtesy.
My service is not particularly linked with my submission. The services I may provide, in either the physical or virtual world, does NOT come from a headspace where I think that Dommes are higher lifeforms than myself. It comes from knowing that I and my service are both valuable. If you think that because I've offered some virtual service to you, that you can demand more of me, you're dead wrong.
Female Supremacy and male-bashing. I've only got one thing to say about that: bigotry in any form is ugly and vile.
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Tonight's ponderings...
"It's not about you, it's all about the Domme. what she wants. what she desires. etc. The needs of the submissive/slave are not a factor."
ok... When did "power exchange" become "it's all about me"? sounds a little vampiric. one-sided. self-obsessed. like a tick that gorges on the blood of a sub to artificially bloat a superficial ego. maybe to cover up a lack of core self-confidence?
"What is core to you?"
Core... you true self-value...
Imagine yourself alone. no one is around.
no one around to admire you. to respect you. appreciate you.
no one around to recognise who you are. your worth. your power. your dominance.
no one around to validate your feelings. your position. your potency.
no one around to see or know what you've accomplished. what you do. what your opinions are.
In that isolation... what is your self-esteem built on?
That is Core.
"All subs suffer humiliation because they're not the Domme."
uh... hold up...
let's see what Merriam-webster says:
- Main Entry:
- hu·mil·i·ate
- Pronunciation:
-
\hyü-ˈmi-lē-ˌāt, yü-\
- Function:
- transitive verb
- Inflected Form(s):
- hu·mil·i·at·ed; hu·mil·i·at·ing
- Etymology:
- Late Latin humiliatus, past participle of humiliare, from Latin humilis low
- Date:
- circa 1534
: to reduce to a lower position in one's own eyes or others' eyes : mortify
a lower position? ok... through a Power Exchange I will accept a subservient position... but never reduction.
hmmm... let's see what mortify brings up
- Main Entry:
- mor·ti·fy
- Pronunciation:
-
\ˈmȯr-tə-ˌfī\
- Function:
- verb
- Inflected Form(s):
- mor·ti·fied; mor·ti·fy·ing
- Etymology:
- Middle English mortifien, from Anglo-French mortifier, from Late Latin mortificare, from Latin mort-, mors
- Date:
- 14th century
transitive verb
1obsolete : to destroy the strength, vitality, or functioning of
2: to subdue or deaden (as the body or bodily appetites) especially by abstinence or self-inflicted pain or discomfort
3: to subject to severe and vexing embarrassment : shame
intransitive verb 1: to practice mortification
2: to become necrotic or gangrenous
heh
One might argue that the S & M and the D/s part of the lifestyle would be covered in #2.
I disagree.
A submissive isn't subdued by "abstinence or self-inflicted pain or discomfort"
Unless you want to count the Abusive relationships, or the ones that are broken-souled.
A submissive submits by choice.
Then there's #3.
Although I understand that some guys get off on this sort of thing... for me... it's not just No. it's Hell No.
Severe and vexing embarrassment? Thanks but No Thanks. Got enough of that from my second Domme, tyvm. you know, the one who didn't know when to quit. even after safe word.
But...
There seems to be Dommes who think every male sub should be or can be subjected to shaming. That it's ok to do so at whim. Even if they don't own them.
Can anyone say Egocentric Power Trip?
See above for details...
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ponderings...
It's been identified that I have a bad track record with D/s relationships.
** note: actually what was said was "you're the one with the bad track record" leaving the open end inference of "you... not me." also leaving the implication that her record and reputation are indisputable. which I am now finding is not the case, with Dominants and submissives alike.
But. It's true. I do. I have a bad track record.
My first D/s relationship was when I was 18. I left after the years-of-experience-Dominant exhibited "criminal" behavior (to paraphrase a friend). My second Domme was when I was 19 and about as experienced as I was. She didn't respect my safeword. Then again, she doesn't respect much of anything or anyone.
My third Domme (again, not very experienced) came to me when I was 20. We ended our relationship when she discovered she was actually a sub.
My fourth relationship started when I was 21 and lasted for five years. She was very experienced. She had been in the lifestyle for more years than I had lived. When she released me she didn't give me any reasons why she was doing so. I found out later she had already been grooming someone to take my place for months. She didn't tell me she was displeased with me until one day I went to one of her favorite bistros. She told me not to ever go there again. and I told her she gave up the right to tell me where I can and can't go. The next day she left all manners of reasons on my voicemail. most of it berating me as a human being and my upbringing, not just as a sub or slave.
So I ponder
Is it true, then, what is said? That this bad track record marks me as a bad sub?
Is it true that years of experience in the lifestyle is what counts? Two of my Dominants were in the lifestyle for years and years.
Is it true that years in one relationship is what counts? I have a friend who was in a vanilla abusive relationship for thirteen years. The years didn't make it healthy.
I was told "all of the Dommes said [I'm] a bad sub." though it wasn't clearly stated whether the person was talking about all of my previous Dommes, all the Dommes in the known universe, or those in the chat room we both visit.
What is it that makes me a bad sub? That I won't toady up? That I won't submit to every Domme that crosses my path? until they can prove themselves worthy of the title? The fact that I have standards? and if they're not met, I will accept they may be dominant over someone, but not me? The fact that I won't let just anyone control what I do? thank you, I like my skin and psyche in tact.
I attempted to contact the Domme who said these things (and much more). I wanted to comment and ask her these questions (and a few more). but it seems her email address isn't accepting mail. at least not my mail. She's been ignoring my greetings in the chatroom for quite some time, so i stopped giving them.
I wish I could say that I'm not losing sleep over all of this. but I can't. it's actually giving me nightmares.
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desires
ropes
gag
blindfold
darkness
exposure
anticipation
panic
adrenaline
pain
release
euphoria
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It looks like another weekend of remodeling the house here. The Master of the household is setting out the tasks for each occupant as I write this. I ponder my stroke of luck. getting in touch with an old friend. her Master inviting me to stay with them. the feeling of satisfaction I get from being useful again.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to offer myself up to him as the others here have. I don't swing that way. but it is very nice to have something to do that's of benefit to others. it's...... healing. soothing.
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Holycrap is it my imagination, or does Jake actually get faster when
we’ve had next to no sleep? Unfreakinbelievable.
This is not me complaining about working hard.
This is not me complaining about having a job.
This is me in awe. This is me in amazement of a man with a debilitating
disease and other disabilities from his time in the military. A man who could
easily sit back and collect disability pay. never have to work again. and he
works harder than healthy men ten years his junior.
He says, “A man’s only as good as his word. his word is
only as good as his honor. and his honor’s only as good as his actions.
Your character is your only true legacy.” That’s why he won’t
collect disability. As long as he can still work, he will.
That’s a whole lot different than the world I’ve been
living in the past five years. Corporate
America . the world of cutthroat
politics. where people lie, cheat, bluff, and backstab their way. where people
don’t bat an eye about bankrupting businesses. or seizing a
family’s life savings and home.
I was the Project Manager for two hotel renovations and one buy-out. I
look back now and have to question what kind of legacy I’ve left behind.
We now have two more additions to the household. a young mother and
baby. (don’t worry, LadyGwendolyn, only a little bruise under one eye)
That makes seven adults and two babies in one six bedroom house. full
capacity LOL
That’s ok. I should be able to save up enough to get my own place
in a few weeks.
One thing I’ve discovered with this new change of pace is that I
don’t think I’m going to be able to be online as much.
There’s just so much going on all the time. So many people who need the
phone line freed up. so much more to do. more people to cook for. More to clean
up after. It’s not like I have to do it all. we all take turns with the
daily chores. But there’s also a lot of rearranging and remodeling that
has to be done to the house.
So, I’m not going to be in chat or on instant messenger services
daily as I have been. if you want to get a hold of me, you can leave a message
here or an email at my yahoo account. I will get back to you.
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Today was the first day working with Jake. I thought I'm in reasonably good shape. but holyfreighttrainBatman! He's not a man! He's a freakin' MACHINE! I would hate to think what it would be like working with him before his MS hit him.
I talked with him today about some personal issues.
On the topic of giving out my phone number:
He said "Don't you f*cking dare."
On the topic of what's being said about me because I haven't:
He asked "If someone can't respect you for saying 'no' to giving out a phone number or any other personal information, what makes you think they would respect any other time you said 'no' or even a safe word? They can't manipulate or bully you into trusting them, now can they? That's not trust, that's fear."
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ok. is it just me or are women the most confusing creatures on the face of the planet?
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I've been staying with my bestest friend and her Master. There's other people here too. a switch and his two subs (yes, it's a big place). all recognize the Master as the household Dominant. and after a few days here, i can understand why.
I'm learning a lot from him.
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I've been told that some Dommes have been offended by my rantings.
the matter is simple, really: if the boots don't fit, then I'm not talking about you.
if they do... I feel no remorse for what I've posted.
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gray mourning so many tears still fall. so many nights un-slept. pain still crushing my chest. my Goddess is gone. no collar. no reason to kneel. no one to worship. faith disassembled under the scrutiny of veracity. inside out and exposed. a forsaken prophet mourning at love’s desolate tomb. |
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Caution: sub male with a mind, opinions, a voice, and the courage to use it.
Disclaimer: let me state for the record that the following is my personal opinion and is in no way expected to be a standard for the BDSM lifestyle.
I'm a sub. that doesn't mean I'm interested at all in a Domme who wants to mold me into someone else. I'm not made of Silly Putty. I'm not and Etch-A-Sketch. You can't turn me upside down and erase my personality (yes i have one of those). When two people get involved in a serious vanilla relationship they talk a lot about their dreams for the future. each as a person and as a couple.Each person has aspirations for themselves, and together you build a dream. A D/s relationship is no different in my mind. It's just a different path in getting there. it's about personal growthand development through power exchange. in my opinion that power exchange makes the D/s relationship seriously serious.
I've had four Dommes (not all from this site) try to collar me in my short time of being on the internet. every time one's tried to slap one on my neck I ask her what her goals are. I want to know what she wants for the whole of the relationship. what she wants to teach me. what she wants to explore and learn about herself. what her aspirations are for both of us. So far the only answers I've got back are things like she's going to teach me a new meaning for the word pain. how she's going to whip the insolence from me. teach me how to serve and please her specifically. or other things about kink. That's all well and good but, ya know. I'm looking for something deeper than flesh and ego. I want to know there's going to be substance to the relationship. that there's substance to her. I want to know that she's going to test my mind. not just try to break my will and use my body. I want to know there's more involved than just her ego. trying to compensate a low self-esteem with a large stable. I can provide the services of a pain slut. but it will be as shallow as her dominance over me. I can provide the services of a butler. and it will be as empty or as full as the relationship I have with her.
Service is just service. but when in true submission I find my place and all is right in the world. It's a beautful place. spiritual. fulfilling. exhilarating. full of life and color. but that doesn't happen on a whim. or when I enter a chat room. or a club. or after some torture. or training.
My submission happens when i kneel, and i believe in my heart and soul when she reaches down to touch my bowed head she accepts me for who I am and loves me for it.
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Unexpected changes of plans
Ever notice how sometimes plans just don't work out like you expect them to? like this weekend, for instance. plans went completely corrupt. oh well... it will be as it is.
I have another story I'm transfering from my other blog on 360. where my expectations went completely awry.
I laid back strapped up to the weight bench. ankles and wrists hogtied underneath. my skin patterned with lash marks from my collarbones to my knees. My lips split and bleeding inside my mouth from her violent ride. my tongue sore and raw from scraping against my teeth. My blood mixed with her cum smeared on my face.
She leaned over me. wedged a gag between my teeth. "I have a surprise for you, birthday boy. No peeking."
I could hear her walk across the room and back again. felt as she sat straddling the weight bench between my knees. felt her unroll something across my belly.
She reached down and pinched the skin on my manhood. She commanded hld very still. I expected clamps. clothes pins. clips. what I felt next was nothing like I'd ever felt. I convulsed and called out involuntarily. strained against the ropes against my chest. She slapped between my legs and repeated her command. aching jolt to my kidneys. a wave of nausea. I looked down to see a small needle piercing sensitive skin.
She smiled cruelly. "I bought one for each year. Happy birthday."
She adjusted the bench higher so I could watch her push 24 more pins through.
Unexpected. unexpected change of plans.
I've done some reading up on it since she did this. Yes it can be dangerous. mostly due to the possible infection. sometimes there's enough trauma to cause permanent erectile dysfunction. Painful? that's rather the point of doing it. though I do have to say that 25 were a few too many for me to want to do again. about 22 too many. I was screaming, crying, begging like a little bitch. almost hyperventilated twice. passed out once toward the end. passed my threshold and left it in the dust.
Unexpected. unexpected aftercare. they were cheapo needles. not clean. not very sharp. not surgical steel. nickle plated. i'm allergic to nickle. plating on cheapo needles can leave minute traces behind. put me out of commission for weeks.
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I’ve
been getting involved in the internet BDSM communities for about a
month and a half now. I’ve gone to several different websites with
message boards, chat rooms, forums, and discussion groups.
At first I
was bewildered. I thought where do these Dommes get the impression that
it’s my duty to kiss each and every one of their feet? Where do they
get the idea that I will kneel (or whatever they want) when they
command it? Why do they believe they can do anything in the virtual
world and a "real" sub will accept it. not challenge it. if you do then
you’re rude. errant. defiant. Hell yes I’m defiant. I am insolent. rebellious. disobedient. Why? Because I’m not a doormat I’m not a sycophant or toady bootlicker for the general Domme-public. Just
because you put a capital letter in your name doesn’t mean you’re a
Dominant.
Just because you’re a Dominant doesn’t mean you’re a Domme.
Just because you’re A Domme doesn’t mean you are MY Domme. Unless you hold the key to my collar you have no right to demand anything that I don’t offer. and my neck is currently bare. But,
back to the original topic. where would these Dommes get all of these
ideas from? can use any un-collared male sub they want for whatever
they want. can talk to them however they want. don’t even have to
recognize them as human beings. What makes them think they can do this
to any and every male sub that comes along? I figured it out. They can do it because they’re allowed to get away with it. I
have discovered that the internet has more toads than the Amazon
rainforest. Every time I turn a leaf there they are. most don’t say a
word. some say thank you Ma’am, may I have another. a few may complain
briefly and quietly. I have seen none challenge. None but me, that is. I’ve
challenged three Dommes. and their “right” to demand things of me.
insult me. use me. Challenged three. Been kicked out twice. One I’m
completely banned from returning. I probably won’t last much longer at
the other places. Because I will not lay down and just take it! I will continue to challenge! Viva Révolution!
LMAO
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On the topic of anal sex. and hetero guys. If I could please have a moment of all the inexperienced Dommes' time.
I'd like to introduce you to the basic hetero male psyche before you completely screw it up. A man's first time of anal can leave him traumatized if he's not prepared to deal with the aftereffects. emotionally. physically. psychologically. Men in the American society have been surrounded and brought up with some very strong standards regarding the male identity and anal sex. after the first strap-on encounter, he may have a lot of inner turmoil. His personal identity may be challenged. There may be a lot of emotions come up that he won't understand. It's like going through puberty again. only more condensed.
One of the things he could go through is the feeling of violation. soul-crushing violation. You might argue that he knew it was coming. Yes and no. he might know what you're going to do. but unless he's been prepared he has no clue about what his body and brain are going to do. how he is going to react. Men are not generally accustomed to that deep a level of violation. it may go far beyond any hazing or humiliation he's encountered before.
He may feel shame. betrayal by his own body. He may completely question his sexuality. and a plethora of other things about himself, you, and his world.
It may leave him wrestling with himself. and losing.
Many subs get so utterly confused they fracture.
some break.
some run.
If they reach that point... their sanity may be hanging by a thread.
What the Domme does may never be as important to his life as what she does NEXT.
(did I make that loud and clear enough?)
In my personal opinion-
If the Domme doesn't know how to prepare her sub, she shouldn't be his first.
If she doesn't care what it might do to him, she shouldn't be his Domme at all. |
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The Office.....
“Lock the door, Diedrick.” That
would mean I would be kneeling in a few moments. She would be leaning
against the wall. standing over me. always standing over me. One
exquisitely manicured hand would move aside the delicate lace. the
other gripping and tugging at my hair. The heel of her shoe digging in.
She
would be through with me when she was satisfied. She would leave me
kneeling there. adjust her dress. walk out to her next meeting. I would
use her personal washroom to clean my hands and face. set myself to
order. Hope that I had pleased her well enough to be allowed
satisfaction later. The sound of a bolt sliding home brings these memories unbidden. grim that a sound can cause the heart to ache.
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I can hear her call from behind the dark polished cherrywood desk. "Diedrick, I will have you in the rings tonight."
A short nod and a "Very good, Ma'am." would be my reply.
The
rings would mean she was pleased with me. I had served her well. The
rings would mean she was in the mood for light torture. stretching.
light whipping. fingernails. She would allow me satisfaction. She would
tell me what I'd done to be rewarded with her touch. The rings meant
she would allow me to give worship to her body. It would be a word,
"now." I would be allowed to lose myself in her. Lose myself with
abandon. Lose myself. Nothing would exist but her. Her pleasure. Her
breath. Her commands. Only her.
gods... i miss her
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More Random Synaptic Sparks
Emasculation.
castration. feminization. Female superiority. sissifying.
cross-dressing. humiliation. trampling. A few things that aren’t my
thing. I
don’t think becoming more woman than man is what it takes to become a
better person. to grow and learn. I know several femdoms who would
disagree with me. I think a smart and clean Brioni with freshly brushed
Ferragamo shoes looks much better on me than a dress and heels. I’d
rather wear my Talbott tux than the latex and fishnet maids outfit one
of my ex-Dommes tried to get me to wear. Tried is the key word there.
Hell, I would rather wear an off the rack Made in China discount store
irregulars than some of the fetish clothing they have on the market. I’m
not afraid. I’m not insecure in my masculinity. I’ve tried them on
before and I felt like an idiot. It did nothing for me. it didn’t make
me feel anything that it’s meant to do. it didn’t make me feel pretty.
more submissive. more hers. nothing but pure idiocy. I’m not a dog. I’m not a horse. I’m not a maid. I’m not a lesser creature. I’m a man. butler and servitor. I’ve
been told that I’m not a good submissive because of my attitude.
because I expect to be treated with a measure of respect. I have a hard
line when it comes to respect and humiliation. submission and
inadequacy. Being degraded and made to feel like a lower life form
might do it for other guys but it’s definitely not for me. It
takes a very strong woman to be my Domme. Most of the dominant women
I’ve encountered appear to depend on reducing the man to his lowest
degree in order to achieve superiority. I won’t do that. I won’t
devalue myself in that manner. I have a feeling I’m going to be single for quite a while.
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Inspired Randomness...
I'm
inspired to write down a few random thoughts regarding fetishists and
lifestylers. submissives and slaves. and other assorted synaptic
sparks.
What's
the difference between a BDSM fetishist and a lifestyler? it's not
always easy to tell. as a very general rule, fetishists keep their
activity focused on kinky sexual activity. lifestylers have a broader
spectrum. fetishists concentrate on desires. lifestylers have an aching
need. is it better? worse? deeper? lesser? none of the above. it's just
different.
I'm
a lifestyler. guaranteed when I have that ache deep inside my chest for
a Domme to chain me up, bind my C&B and stretch them to a painful
purple my first thought is not about sexual gratification. My service
isn't about what I can do in the bedroom. it's everything from cleaning
the cat litter box to serving a gourmet meal to her guests.
I
have to disagree with the general consensus the difference between a
sub and a slave is that one has limits, the other doesn't. Everyone has
limits. even if they're out there with won't commit murder. have sex
with a baboon. give up their children. I believe the true difference
between a sub and a slave is one has a Domme, one has a Mistress. The
slave trusts the Mistress enough to not need a safe word. The Mistress
knows the slave well enough to know the limits to keep the slave
mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy. and she doesn't surpass
them. It gives the illusion of no limits. but it's just an illusion.
it's a careful matching of slave and Mistress. a relationship that
develops over the course of months or even years.
The
difference between a sub/slave with principles and one who's desperate
is how many limits they have with people who don't hold their collar. I
also don't think that it's automatic slavery with any slave who wants
to keep his/her psyche and skin in tact.
but these are only my opinions. not meant to offend
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I was 23. She was young and beautiful, exquisite in her short black
shell. I gave her a glance too lingering, a smile too ready, and words
too honeyed. Mistress was not pleased. She feigned a headache and
ordered me to drive her home. My eyes glanced at her in the backseat
but she spoke not a word until the large wooden door whispered closed.
Her orders were icy and invited no resistance.
I
was stripped and facing the cold faux pillar in the entry when she came
back down the stairs. exposed. handcuffed. The cause of her vexation
was clear by the time I was on my knees begging for mercy from her whip
and cane.
She nursed me for three days. The day I cleaned up my
blood and piss from the flagstones and every day after I knew I was
Hers. Irreproachably, irrevocably, Her slave.
Until Aug 6th
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The day She took me
home she showed me around, we signed the contract, then she promptly
chained me in her basement. equipped with facilities. very, very dark.
very, very quiet. If
there was any light whatsoever there it was too faint for my eyes to
perceive. I felt my way around until I knew every brick within the
confines of the leg chain. For a week the only contact I had was the
dumbwaiter delivering my food. I counted the days by breakfasts. I
became desperate. The sound of my own breath became obnoxious to my
ears. I thought I would go mad. On
the seventh day she spoke to me via the house intercom system. her
voice was the sweetest sound I’d ever heard, though loud and echoing in
my ears. for four days she spoke to me. each hour she would announce
the time and speak as if reading from a script. the next three she
delivered me to pain. Each visit she came with a candle and a new
implement of pain. She took me from there a full two weeks from when we began. that day she gave me pleasure. I had three Mistresses before her. they do not even begin to compare.
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