I'm tired of Doms telling me they have read my entire profile. When I know they either haven't read it completely, or they seem to think I will just change how I feel about certain things, just for them. Then when I don't, or won't change how I feel, they get upset, say I'm being unreasonable, or that I make no sense.

Well guess what, TO DAMN BAD...sighs. I have a right to feel how I feel, about anything to do with my life. You don't like it then fine walk away, but remember I wasn't the one who had said, I'd read the entire profile.

There's a reason why I wrote my profile in such detail. So later on there could be no mistake that I had not been upfront about numerous subjects. So let me give a refresher statement to anyone who just happens to read this rant.

I am married. Yes he knows.

I am not a Barbie doll, and never will be.

I do not, repeat do not, do poly, regardless if the other sub would be online only or not.

I need more than just kinky sex, much more.

I need to know you're understanding, and willing to help me with issues I may have, or at least not walk away when things aren't going your way. It takes work to make any relationship worth while. If you're not willing to work at it, then why bother contacting me?

Okay, rant over. Sorry for my outburst, but I'm just so tired of being made to feel like I'm wrong for the things I need and want in a D/s relationship. That my desires are not important, but guess what, they are. I'm done trying to do things for others, that make me feel crappy about myself, just to try to please them. From now on, I'll worry about pleasing me. Until or if someone ever comes along who understands that I matter just as much as he does.

Why is it so hard to be a submissive, sighs?

~petal~

Yay, one surgery down, hopefully one more to go.

Changed primary Dr., so now i will try to get the referral that i need to see the GI. Wish me luck. 

My summer of self improvement is going to be a painful one, ugh, but not in a good way, but for good reasons. Keeping oneself healthy is always a good thing, even if you have to go through pain to do so.

So glad Sir is so understanding, makes this all so much easier.

So if it takes me awhile to write back if you write to me, please be patient and understanding as well. It might just be a bad day, or to hard to type one handed, or sit down long enough to do so. However, i promise to try to do so as soon as i'm able.

~petal~

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.” 

At this time i have removed all but two of my photos, from my profile. 

Perhaps someday i will return them, or maybe new ones, only time will tell.

~petal~

I once wrote that what was in the past can't be repeated, and i was right, you can't. 

Yet you can recapture the essence and rebuild something totally new and different. Something better, and far more withstanding. Something that can be what you've always dreamed of. 

So having said this, i now plan on doing just that. I'm grabbing hold of the essence, and creating a brand new entity.

~petal~

Have you ever been sick and not been able to figure out what's wrong? 

The Dr. told me one thing she thought to begin with, and ruled those thoughts out with tests. Then she said, "well it could be this," and away we went into another round of tests. Also with the end results of showing nothing. 

So if all the tests show nothing, then why am i so damn sick?

I have moments of feeling slightly better, only to be slammed with feeling crappy all over again, twenty minutes later. UGHHH!!! This sucks.

~petal~

The Road Not Taken

      I sit here today contemplating life. Yesterday i went to a memorial for a family member. I sat there with everyone else, and there were many, and i mourned for the loss of such a beautiful person. People spoke of all the wonderful things this person was always doing for others, how happy they always were, and about the things they had accomplished. It wasn't until this morning that questions began to fill my mind. Questions about my life.

     So today i sit and i wonder would anyone even care if i were to pass away? Would people mourn, feel bereft, or even remember me? Yes i know pretty morbid. Yet the more i contemplate my life the more i feel as if i were nothing more than a ghost floating through my own life. What do i mean by that, you might be asking. Well, let me explain.

      Although there are many aspects of my life i would not change, such as being a mother, and a wife, there are others aspects i wonder about. When i was younger i was so eager to go out and experience anything and everything. I had dreams, desires, and plans. There were so many things i wanted to accomplish. Sighs, and that is why i feel so hollow, and unfulfilled. I look back and i wonder, what exactly have i accomplished? What will i be remembered for? 

     There were choices in my life, and at the time i chose those i felt were right for me. Was i right, did i make the better choices? Will i ever know? NO, and that's okay, my life is what i've made of it, and i live it gladly. That doesn't however make me wonder less about what it would have been like had i made different choices. 

     I guess today i'm just feeling my age. At some point i guess we all do. Sorry for my ramblings. Hope you all have a great day.

~petal~

Lately my life has been running me, less than i've been running it. Not sure this makes a lot of sense to most, but it does to me and that's all that matters. 

Most times when i come on here i don't stay long. Yet i find this is more by choice than by necessity. What i mean is that, i don't stay because to be honest there isn't much here that would keep me here, other than a few people, hopefully Y/you know who Y/you are, that i keep up messages with. Otherwise there is really no allure here any longer. 

Who enjoys going someplace where people use them, then throw them away like they're worthless. Too many times, i've opened up, lowered my walls (which is not easy for me to do), reached out tentatively only to be disappointed, or hurt. Although this seems to be quite normal here, at least from what i read on other submissive's journals. 

So many Doms here claim to be real, but when it comes time for a phone call, cam time, or meeting in person, all of a sudden, the contact stops, they disappear, or they say they've found Their one. The first two, well, their just wrong, plain and simple. The third one though, sighs, if You are talking with someone that You have a deep interest in, then shouldn't that be the only someone You set up a meeting with. In otherwords, don't talk to me telling me everything You believe i desire to hear, then all of a sudden find Your one. If by chance that does happen, not saying it can't, but if so then be honest as soon as You think that may be the case not later, while still talking to me. Worse yet, don't say You found them, then two days later write something, about how You're still looking for Your one. If i am not the right one, then just be honest and say so. How difficult is that? 

~petal~

He stares down at her, not saying a word, a pensive look upon His face. His body tense, hands resting on His knees, shoulders back. He sits this way a long time, His eyes glued to her.

she kneels before him, as He has instructed her. her back slightly concaved, arms stretched out before her, palms up, heels tucked beneath her bottom, forehead resting lightly on the floor. her hair cascades around her head in a soft pool, catching and reflecting light, like a halo. she makes no sound, except the soft inhale and exhale of her breath. she waits patiently.

He shifts, and takes a deep breath, before slowly releasing it. He leans forward, resting His elbows on His knees, His gaze still on her. A few moments pass, before He speaks.

"Little one, please rise, I would like to see Your eyes for this conversation," He requests.

"Yes Sir," she replies. 

she rises quickly but elegantly to an upright position, her back straight, head up, hands now resting palms up on her open thighs, eyes on Him. A small smile plays upon her lips, as sparks of happiness dance in her eyes. she cannot help this reaction, as it happens naturally everytime she sees Him. 

He smiles in spite of Himself, as His gaze travels over her, His body visibly relaxing. Again He sits quietly, looking deeply into her eyes. No words are spoken, but volumes are said as His eyes stay locked with hers. He leans back again, placing His hands on the armrests, back once again straight, before He speaks.

"Little one, I have a question for you, and I would like you to think deeply about your answer, before you respond to it. Do you understand?"

"Yes Sir, i understand," she replies.

her voice soft, yet filled with a slight quiver of anticipation. Never knowing what His questions will be, or where they will lead them.

"After I ask My question, I would like you to speak your answer freely, without reservation, or hesitation that you may displease Me. Do you understand?" He asks.

"Yes Sir, i understand," she replies again.

"Good," He replies, "Then here is my question. Why do you submit to me?" 

At hearing the question, she visibly shivers. her lips form a soft full smile, as her eyes alight with pure pleasure. 

"Sir, there is no need for me to think upon the answer to Your question, as i know the answer as i know my own self." 

she takes a deep breath, looking deeply into His eyes, before continuing. 

"You came into my life when i was vulnerable. When i had self doubts, and a very low self esteem. During a time when i had given up on ever finding my place as a submissive, with a Dom. You took Your time with me, and despite my walls, You got to know me. Not just the submissive in me, but the woman as well. You kept things light, and never pushed. You were patient, understanding, and respectful. Even though i rejected You on several occassions, out of my own fears and reservations, You pushed forward and never gave up on me. No matter what happened, You were there, good or bad. Yet through it all You never once gave me doubt as to the fact that You are a Dominant. Your true Dominance brought forth my submissive nature, more fully than i had ever felt it before. It drew from me every instinct, every passion, and every desire i have ever had, to please another. Yet, You didn't just draw it from me, to please You. You drew it from me, to teach me, to inspire me, and to encourage me, to be the best submissive i can possibly be. You showed me things about myself that even i had never known. You opened my eyes, to things i had been blind to before. You taught me to love myself, so that others could love me as well. No matter what i did or how i did it, You always encouraged me to do my best, and if i did it wrong You taught me how to do it right. Even when punished, it was always only, because i had earned it. Never have i feared You. i have always known i could approach You with anything."

she stops a moment to take a deep breath. Glistening trails of tears coursing softly over her upturned face. her eyes liquid pools, as they gaze back deeply into His. she takes another deep breath and continues.

"You have drawn my submission from me in ways no one else ever has. You have cultivated it, and nurtured it from day one. i submit to You Sir, because You are You. Because, You have earned every single drop of submission inside me. I submit to You because you make me feel whole and complete. Because, You make me laugh and cry. Because, You make me feel safe and secure. Because, You fill every waking moment of my days, with thoughts of You. Because, when i submit to You, i feel freer than i have ever felt before. When i submit to You i am open and vulnerable, and yet i am stronger than i have ever been. Submitting to You, fulfills me, and causes me great pleasure. But the deepest reason i submit to You is because, i love You."

As she finishes speaking she lowers her gaze, the tears still falling unchecked upon her cheeks. she waits patiently, knowing He will take His time, to process and analyze everything she has said. she hears Him shift in His chair, and feels His strong Hands slide around her waist. He raises her from the ground amd pulls her gently to His lap. Resting His chin atop her head, He pulls her in close against His chest. her body cradled in his arms, resting tenderly against Him. They sit this way for some time, no words spoken. Then in a deep quiet voice He responds.

"In all my years as a Dom, I have never been given such a gift as the one you have just given Me. Thank you little one, I love you too!"

~petal~

OK, i just have one thing to ask.

Why do sub men, seem to think i have an interest in them?

i am not a Domme, nor am i a switch. i do not desire to control anyone.

If by chance it is the photos of the boots and coat, please tell me and i will remove them. Those were taken by a Dom i had, who thought it was sexy on me, not for any other reason.

So please if you are a submissive male, with more than friendship, (which is all i have to offer anyone right now), on your mind, at least send a respectable message.

Thank you.

~petal~

Here are the top ten things i've learned from my past.

1. You can't go back. For whatever reason it ended in the first place, now there are far more that make it impossible to go back.

2. Being inconsiderate is a trait that can hurt immensely. Be considerate and honest, if someone is not right for you, instead of walking away and ignoring someone.

3. Rushing does not help you achieve anything. Taking your time and working at something is far more rewarding.

4. Trusting does not mean you are naive. Learning to trust is difficult, once the boundaries of your trust have been broken so many times.

5. Respect does not have to just be given randomly. It should be something that is earned and deserved.

6. Giving yourself to Another, does not mean They will give Themselves to you. To get what They want, Many will say what They think you want to hear. 

7. Revealing your innermost self to Another, often results in pain. Be careful Who you confide in, and in what you confide.

8. Promises made, should be promises kept. Unfortunately this is not always the case.

9. Self esteem is a delicate thing. Once it is broken it's difficult to repair.

10. When a sub truly submits, You should cherish it. Never mistreat it with disrespect, neglect, or indifference.

These are just some of the more important things i've learned over the past few years. To say this is all i've learned would be a joke, but it would be way to long a list to write down everything. 

Realizing my own mistakes, and self evaluating my past behaviour, has changed my outlook on so many things. To say i was not responsible for a lot of what happened, would be naive and irresponsible. Coming to terms with my past mistakes, and claiming responsibility for them, has helped me grow as a person. 

This is my year for working on self improvement, both mentally and physically.

Re-evaluating, and working through the issues in my past, have changed my view and outlook on my future.

Going to the gym and working out five days a week, and monitoring my food intake, is changing how i feel about me. Last time i weighed in, i'd lost 36lbs and still going. Yay me!

This entry was mainly for me, so i could reflect as i was writing each thing down. 

~petal~

Sir,

Tis quite alright. It's amazing what we tend to overlook sometimes. Specially when their very prominent.

Good day to You as well, and good luck also.

~petal~

PS: Read a little slower and a little more carefully next time, smiles. Who knows, next time it could be a man, instead of a sub needing a Dom strong enough to take on the challenge of a sub, with challenges of her own.

Since i tried to respond to Your last message and found i was blocked, i figured perhaps eventually You'd read it on my profile.

Why is it if a woman doesn't respond to a message, email, text, or call she's a "BITCH?"

Yet when men do the same thing, their just being men.

To many times, i've started, and or continued conversations with "Doms," only to have them not respond to any form of communication. For whatever reasons, or excuses, they can come up with. Many would say, then it has to be you...sighs. Okay, i conceed on occassion it could be me. Lord knows i'm not perfect, nor have i ever claimed to be. Yet i know, that not every time this happens is it my fault. 

Oh well, maybe someday Someone will appreciate a person who is honest, and sincere, and just be honest and sincere themselves. We're all adults, and a simple, this isn't for me, or no thank you, is so much more mature than ignoring someone.

Maybe that's why, hmmmmm, could it be? Is it just that simple? Is it just too much of an inconvenience?  Easier to just, shut them out and run away? Must be. Glad that type of mentality left me way back when i was a child.

Be a gentleman, just end it properly, and move on. Don't be a jerk and just walk away. 

Sorry for my rant. i guess i wouldn't be a true full blooded woman if i didn't rant once in awhile...lol.

~petal~

Auburn or burgundy?

Hmmmm, what a delima. 

Think i'll go with auburn this time, and save the burgundy for the next time.

Going to start getting a little risky over here giggles!

~petal~

PS: Change is fun, 18 lbs down, woo hoo!!!

Learning to leave the past behind us, and move freely into the future, is sometimes the most difficult thing we have to learn to do.

~petal~

Stupid should be my middle name, but it's not, sighs.

~petal~

Sometimes i am my worst enemy, sighs.

Assuming sucks...lol.

Chalking that one up to lesson learned.

~petal~

A new year, a new outlook on life. 

Am working on improvement this year. Not only physically, but mentally as well. When one keeps both in harmony, life seems far less stressful.

So here's to all who are striving for whatever goals they've set for themselves, good luck. To those who will strive as i am, to go beyond them. BRAVO!!!

Hope you all have a fantastic year.

~petal~

Merry Christmas, to one and all. i hope your day was filled with family, friends, and love.

~petal~

i really have no tollerance for idiots!!!

~petal~

Won't be searching, looking, desiring, or wanting, a Dom any time soon. Done with it all. i see no sense is putting myself through, the heartache of being lied to, and treated with so much disrespect, when i deserve so much more. i wish all who are searching the best of luck in finding whatever it is they seek.

~petal~

Had an amazing day Saturday, and yet, i'm still wondering if i'll ever be good enough...sighs.

~petal~

It always seems that when one least expects to find what one is hoping for, that one tends to find it. Talking with an amazing Man, who is also an amazing Dom. The more i speak with Him the more i find that He amazes me. Things seem to be going well, and perhaps in time they will turn to more than they are. No rushing, no games, no promises that won't be kept. No lies, no deceptions, and no HURT. No need for any of those things, as we both know where we stand, what we want, and where we would like this to go. Only time will tell, but i see wonderful things in my future, as i hope He does in His as well. 

(smiles softly)

~petal~

Another day another year older. If i'm supposed to feel old at 45, then i'm sorry but i don't. Hope everyone had as great a day as i did. Hugs and kisses.

~petal~

Why is it being married means You are UNAVAILABLE to a Dominant?

Why is it being married means that You are UNDESIREABLE to a Dominant?

Why is it being married makes You only desireable as a TOY?

Why is it married Dominants don't want MARRIED subs?

Why is it Dominants only want married subs for ONLINE only?

Why is it Dominants think a married sub only wants ONLINE?

Why is it that being married means You cannot be LOVED by a Dominant?

If anyone has decent answers and serious answers to these questions i'd love to hear from Y/you. If all you wish to do is rag on me for asking the questions in the first place your messages will just be deleted.

i'm a sub who has a lot to offer the right person. i am very giving. i desire to serve so badly i can taste it. i desire to submit just as badly. Yes i admit i have some restrictions that i have to adhere to but since i'm not a pain slut those things really don't make a dent in who i am or what i have to offer the right Dominant.

All i ask is that You talk to me and get to know me and see if i'm the right person before passing judgement.

~petal~

Ever have a dream that was so real it left you filled with wonder and desire? Ever have a dream that was sooooo intense and so amazing that it left you breathless? Ever had a dream and in it you realized that the One in the dream with you was why it was so amazing and intense? That without His presence, the dream would have been just that, but with it the dream became something far more substantial. That just for one moment, you were the only one present in His universe and He in yours.

If only i could awaken to a dream such as this every day, my life would be so blessed.

~petal~

i settle softly on my pillows and i contemplate everything. i desire, i need, and i want, to be in a fulfilling D/s relationship. There are moments when that seems like it could easily be a reality, then there are moments when it seems so far away. i ache inside. my servitude filling me to overflowing. i've closed myself off so many times, my walls higher than the tallest building. my heart encased in a steel cage of my own creation, locked tight. The key no where to be found. Will i ever escape this prison of my own making, or will i slowly rot here, never to be overwhelmed with the ability to submit. Sighs softly......

~petal~

Ignorance is not being unknowledgable, or having a different opinion. Ignorance is the inability to not accept anothers lack of knowledge, or the inability to acknowledge that someone may have an opinion that does not match yours.

Just because someone sees something in a different fashion than you see it, does not make their view any less valuable than your view.

Reverting to using profound, nasty, dirty names to try to make your point, does nothing but confirm that your point is invalid.

~petal~

she kneels, her body quivering in anticipation, back straight, head lowered, palms up on her spread knees, waiting patiently for that one moment...her body a prison...

she craves this moment, the knowledge inside her that she will soon be serving the One that makes her feel whole...

her shields are lowered, her inhibitions dissolved, only thoughts of pleasing are present...

she knows He's calculating, planning, and creating new ways inside His head to keep her on her toes...

she kneels, her body quivering in anticipation, back straight, head lowered, palms up on her spread knees, waiting patiently for that one moment...when she's set free...

i often wonder what part of...NOT INTERESTED IN POLY...it is that people don't seem to understand...shakes head softly.

~petal~

Yesterday at 2:30 pm, I woke up and had to go to the bathroom, didn't feel bad, hurt or anything else. Ended up having diarrhea, and the next thing I know I was vomiting. Still I didn't hurt, or feel sick at all. Afterwards I brushed my teeth, and went back to bed, no biggie. An hour later, I wake up and I ached all over and was breathing a little rough. Hubby said, "probably just the flu." I figured he was right and tried to go back to sleep. Couldn't really sleep but dozed for about an hour. When Hubby's alarm went off, I went to roll over and I couldn't. My whole body was filled with pain, and when I moved I couldn't catch my breath, or take a deep breath. The pain was so bad, it was like nothing I've ever felt before. Just touching me made me feel as if I were being beaten. So Hubby took me to the ER. On the way there my left hand had a searing pain shoot through it that went about halfway to my elbow. It was pretty intense, and as soon as it faded my entire hand and wrist went numb. The numbness lasted about 3 minutes, after that it began tingling and stayed that way for quite awhile.

We finally made it to the ER, and Hubby wheeled me in, in a wheelchair. As soon as we got in they seen that I was having trouble breathing, and they immediately wanted to get my blood pressure. As soon as they put the cuff on my arm, I lost it and yelled at them to take the damn thing off because it hurt so bad. So they immediately removed it. They took me into the next room, and did an EKG instead. The man who did the EKG was gone for about five minutes, and when he came back, he told us they were putting me in bed 8 in ER. The next several hours were extremely busy and filled with a LOT going on.

They put me on the bed and tried to get me to lay on my back. WRONG move, I couldn't breath and it was extremely painful. So I finally ended up sitting almost straight up, trying to find a spot so I could be moderately comfortable <DID NOT HAPPEN>. I got an IV and I ended up having blood taken <two HUGE tubes, and three small ones> right away. A chest x-ray, and then more blood <three small tubes>. The nurse comes in at one point and puts a bottle of Magnesium Sulfite in my IV, saying that my level was extremely low. After that they gave me some Morphine, which made it easier for me to breath and I was able to lay on my back for short periods of time while they did different things. A little while later I had a small sonogram in the room, then was sent for a more in depth sonogram. Which hurt like hell and I told the lady I felt as if I were in some form of torture chamber. After I got back to the room, they took more blood <another two huge tubes, and two smaller ones, from the back of my hand. Finally they came in and gave me some morphine. OH sweet heaven, I was finally able to breath a little easier.

Then the Dr. comes in and tells me they are going to send me to get a cat scan. So off I go. I get there and this guy hands me this 14 oz glass of water and says, "here I need you to drink all of this please, as fast as you can." Now I hadn't had anything to drink since 2:30 am that morning, and it was about 5pm. So I was pretty thirsty, but wow, NOT that thirsty, first sip and I started choking, and coughing and ended up not being able to catch my breath again for a few minutes. Finally got all the water down and they take me in to do the catscan. I get on the bed, get all set up and she asks...are You allergic to the contrast dye, I said not that I know of and so onward we go. I get the cat scan and I go back to the room, and decide to take a potty break when I get there. Hubby then asks me, what are all these red dots on Your arm, and shoulder. I looked and then looked at my legs. Sure enough I was allergic to the contrast dye for the catscan. I broke out in a huge rash of hives that itched like crazy. So here comes the Benadryl. Yaaaayyyyy for Benadryl, it knocked me out within twenty minutes, but only after I told Hubby that the curtains were waving behind him. Which they weren't and he thought I was losing it. I slept for two hours nice and deep. Then when I woke up the Dr came back in and told me that they still hadn't found anything and were just waiting to see what the results were on some of the blood tests. That they wanted to keep me overnight, in ER to observe me and make sure I was ok. Then about twenty minutes later they come back in and tell me that there is a time limit on how long you can be in the ER and that I would be going to a room instead. So I got to my room about 7:30 pm. They put the electric massager things on my legs, hooked me up to an IV <which I swear hated me cause the alarm went off almost every ten minutes over and over and over and started to give me a headache>. What I found extremely funny was that every time they came into the room, the nurses and staff put on gowns and a mask. I had some kind of information in my file that made them have to do everything they could to avoid catching what I had. Yet everyone in the ER never wore a mask at all. Who knew.

So about 9 am the Dr says he wants to go everything with me and tell me about the results of all my tests. First of all, all my organs are doing fine, kidneys, lungs, heart, gall bladder, liver, except that they could not find my appendix, but they weren't too worried about it, but by chance did I have it removed. UHM NO! So I guess I don't have an appendix....shrugs. Who knew, now I know. Then he told me that all my tests they took came back negative, and that my blood tests today showed my white cell count to be back to a more normal level, with slight elevations to show that I'd been ill, but not to the degree I had been when I'd come in. I'm guessing 16,000 to 20, 000 is quite high compared to 10,000 to 12,000, which is where it was supposed to be. So that was why they ran all the tests and did so many other things. All through this entire episode I never had any kind of fever, my pulse, and blood pressure were actually quite low and normal the entire time, except that it did dip down to a small low on two occasions. So to sum it up, he told me I looked extremely healthy for someone as sick as I had been when I'd come in. That he thought it would be just fine for me to go home. Did I think I could self hydrate myself and keep myself hydrated. YES. That I needed to keep an eye on my temperature and if I ended up with any kind of a fever at all that was 101 or higher I had to promise to immediately get in the car and return to the ER.

So here I am. Home, I ache, I'm sore, and I'm tired. Yet I feel at least 80% better than yesterday, which as bad as I was, is saying a lot.

GGGGGRRRRRRRRR'S SO FRUSTRATED!!!

It's been awhile since i've updated my journal entries so here goes.

Have been to the Dr.'s office many times since the last time i wrote. Have had a surgical procedure called a Ganglion Block done, that did not take and did not help. Am now going to be having some electro something or other stuff done, to see if the nerves are damaged. It seems that one thing leads to another and my hand just keeps getting worse and worse.

i've moved from my residence into a temporary unit, while they do earthquake retrogrades. OH JOY JOY...so NOT fun. Most of my stuff is still in my old residence while i'm supposed to be in the new one for only two weeks and so far it's been three. Going on four to five they've said. Oh, i finally got my treadmill, but now i can't use it as it's locked in the other residence...gggrrrrr. To top it off they've decided to redo the entire parking area....so NOW no one has anywhere to park either...can anyone say INCONVENIENCE?

Moved my storage unit to a new one after the old one got broken into, and a lot of very expensive and sentimental stuff was stolen. Can anyone see a pattern here yet?

Had to take the new car to get the oil changed, because lord have mercy we already put 3,000 miles on it in less than a month...go figure...lol.

On an up note...i'm happy, frustrated mind you, but happy. Even with all the turmoil, inconveniences, and stress...for some unexplainable reason, i'm HAPPY...really HAPPY.

~petal~

Yeahhhh! Dr. said things are looking good, still have to take things slow, so typing is still a no no. Two more weeks, and i'll know if i will need surgery or not. i'm thinking not, cause i'm going to do all i can to get my hand back to normal.

~petal~

Well this week has been interesting to say the least. i tripped and fell at my work and did some damage to my right hand. i broke my pinky, and either tore some tendons or did some muscle damage to my ring and middle fingers as well. i go to the Dr.'s today to see what is going to happen. Am hoping for the best.

~petal~

she wishes to please...but there's no ONE to please.

she wants to follow...but there's no ONE to lead.

she craves to learn...but there's no ONE to teach.

she desires to be owned...but there's no ONE to own.

she NEEDS to serve...but there's no ONE to serve.

The life of she, is incomplete without a ONE.

Although earlier i wrote what i did about stepping away, the more i think about it the less realistic that thought becomes. i know in my heart i cannot step away from being submissive, anymore than i can step away from being a woman. In reality i really do not want to either. i do know though that i am tired of being hurt. Tired of being treated as if what i say does not matter, and what i feel is not real. Not going to allow others in that deep anymore. i don't have it in me to deal with that. i'll offer friendship to anyone willing to be a friend, other than that i offer nothing else.

~petal~

Took time away to clear my head, and think all it did was confuse me more than i was confused before. Perhaps i just need to step away from the lifestyle for awhile all together. Take a few years and just delve into life. <sighs> Who knows what i'll find if i do. Maybe it will just clear my head on a few things, or perhaps it will only cloud it more. The funny thing is, i've not doubted myself so much since i was in my 20's. Pretty sad really.

~petal~

Just when you think things are going decently, it turns out their not. Lots going on so going to take some time off from all of this.

~petal~

Edited my profile information. It's now not as long as before and much more up to date. i hope You enjoy reading it. i also added a voice greeting, but beware, it's a tiny bit loud. <winces a bit...sorry>.

~petal~

Sometimes plans change, this is one of those times. Ce La Vie .

petal

Spent a month waiting, wondering, and hurting. Time to put things into perspective, and move foward.

Some things i've learned...

Not to invest so much of myself, i only get hurt.

Not to beg for help...i won't get it.

Not to believe promises...i'll always be let down.

Not to wait....it won't change anything.

i learned a lot of other things as well. Some good...others not so good. Such is life i guess.

If i sound like a pesimist it's probably because that is how my outlook is at the moment. Perhaps in time my more optomistic attitude will return. Who knows.

ON a different note....i've decided to allow myself to experience a few new things. Am thinking past Dominants can make for interesting times. Look out Tahoe here i come...LOL. We shall see.

Anyway...no more dwelling as it does no good. ONTO tomorrow.

petal

As of today i am no longer owned by BadgerDaddy Sir. May He find whatever it is He is searching for, and be truly happy.

petal

 Not everything we want is easy, nor are we entitled, it takes work, and sometimes it takes humbleness, and acceptence when you are wrong.

 i was wrong...and i will do whatever it takes to make it right. All i need is the chance.

 Sometimes it takes something major for us to see the mistakes we are making. i'm not perfect, and i never will be, but i do promise to work harder at not being as imperfect as i have been.

 Not sure any of this will be enough, but i will give it my all and see what happens.

petal

Tonight i came online in a good mood due to a very good day at work, and with family after work. Then after joining the chat room Daddy surprised me and made my day ten times better.

Thank YOU, Daddy for what You wrote..it means a great deal to me.

i hope You know You are loved, treasured, and Desired, just as much.

You fill my heart with joy, and make me smile every single day. i'm very proud to be Your babygirl. i look foward to our relationship deepening, and blossoming into a very rare and beautiful expression of who and what we are. It becomes more and more special with each day that passes, as i'm sure it will with each year that passes.

Thank You again Daddy for everything. Hugs You softly and kisses Your lips with a deep passionate, and heartfelt kiss.

Your loving babygirl

Review: i went back through my old journals and read them all. Here is what i found.

When i looked back at what i have written in the past, i see a pattern of desperation, of rushing, and of unquestioned trust. All of these things led me to nothing more than painful situations, being lied to, and being hurt. Who's fault is that then, some may ask, and i completely agree it was my fault and my fault alone.

i have a tendancy to think just because something feels right, that it is going to turn out to be perfect. Or if Someone wants, desires, or owns me, their perfect. THEIR NOT, and neither am i.

i look back at all that i went through and all that has happened in my journals. Not only did i go through a lot of emotional issues life wise. i also, seemed to rush from one person to another with the so called Doms i chose to be with. That right there should have told me something, and yet, my desperation, of wanting to be desired, wanted, and owned, made me shut my eyes to the faults of the others and just blindly accept them. That was a HUGE mistake on my part, and something i've since learned that i will NEVER do again. This is not to say the "Dominants" i spoke to before were not good men they were, they just were not good matches for me.

i now look at the relationship i am in with Daddy...smiles. Although i know i have said this in the past, it's a very special relationship. The only difference with me saying this now, is that i believe it completely. Everything about this relationship is different from all others in my past. The most important difference is Daddy. He is nothing like any of the men i've been with before. That's not to say i'm comparing Him to them or judging Him by them. All i mean by this is that from the beginning how He's treated me, the way we interact, and the entire situation feels much different. He is intelligent, humorous, compassionate, and honest, plus so much more that is too much to list here. This is not to say that our relationship has not had it's downs as well as it's ups, believe me it has, but like any true, good relationship....that's the way it is. No relationship worth anything is PERFECT...without the bad you have no idea what good is. Some may ask, but how do you know this relationship is special? Here is my answer to this question.

Daddy makes it special, along with me. This relationship isn't based on just Daddy. Yes i strive to make Him happy, to please Him, and to serve Him, but that is NOT what this whole relationship is about. It is a relationship based on the needs of two people, with a mutual desire to please each other, to understand one another, and to respect, trust, and care for one another.

i know Daddy is different from the others by His actions, not just by His words. When a man tells His boss, sorry i cannot go to work till 3 today, when work is backing up and He is very busy, just so He can stay home to surprise you and talk to you on the phone, for 45 minutes. For the sole purpose, that i had sounded like a kid who had been told she wasn't going to Disneyland, when He'd said He was not going to be home at my lunch time. That to me says a lot. When i went to visit Him, not only did He cook for me the entire time i was at His house, but He also, went out of His way to assure that i was comfortable, that i was relaxed, and that i had everything that i needed.

There are many other ways that He shows me as well. Such as, taking time away from His busy work schedule, to talk to me in the mornings. Talking to me at lunch, every chance we get. Going into a chat room for the sole purpose of spending time with me, because He knows i enjoy it and He wants to make the effort to be a part of that if it pleases me. If i were not there He would not be there as He has assured me i am the sole purpose of Him being there at all. He tells me regularly that i am a very sexy woman. That He thinks i'm beautiful, and that i please Him far more than even He thought i would.

As anyone can see the pictures on my profile, were taken by Him. Afterwards, He gifted me with two very special, slide shows, by taking the pictures and putting them to songs, that He knew would have special meaning to me. He had previously given me another from pictures i'd had prior to knowing Him, and it too was a very special gift. Not all gifts have to have a dollar value, the ones that mean the most are the ones that come from the heart. The time, effort, and thoughtfulness behind those slide shows gave me so much more insight into this Man i call Daddy.

He is an amazing person, there are some i'm sure who would disagree with me, and there are some i'm sure who would say i have no idea what i'm speaking of. Yet i don't care, what anyone else may feel, or think, or believe. They are not me, and they have not experienced a day with Him, the way i have. The feeling of being everything a person could ever want in another, is an amazing thing when someone can make you feel it.

i am not saying He's perfect for i know better than to say such, for NO one is perfect, and i do not seek perfection either. i too am no where near perfect, i'm insecure, i have a tendancy to berate myself, i have issues with trust, and when i give myself i tend to jump full force...thus exposing myself to potential hurt down the road. i have a hard time excepting when others say nice things about me, . i know that the first person who has to love me and respect me is me before anyone else can. Might as well just say i'm a work in progress. i do however strive to please, and show Daddy that i desire Him in all ways, i just hope that i do so well.

i do however feel this relationship is nothing like any of the previous relationships i've been in. Does that mean i think it WILL be the last one for me. i honestly don't know, but so far, the feelings i get about it, and about us lead me to believe that this time things are extremely different. That this time, my dreams may have come true, and i couldn't be happier. He's a very special Man and i'm very lucky to have Him in my life. Together we will either make this work or we won't, because this relationship isn't one sided....it takes both of US.

OK, i've rambled long enough. Was in a very reflective mood, and wanted to put down my thoughts before they departed my poor dust filled brain. So here they are.

petal

Took a trip to Wisconsin that lasted three days. They were some of the most remarkable days of my life.

i learned a great deal about who i am and about my own submission. i also feel i grew in many ways as a submissive.

Although i am not the perfect submissive, i do hope someday that i am considered a very good submissive. My desire is to strive to do all i can to make that happen, and to please the One who leads me, guides me, and teaches me how to be that submissive.

Thank You Daddy for the wonderful time spent with You, and all the new and exciting experiences i was able to have because of You.

You spoiled me like no other ever has, and yet You remained always the Dominant. Your attentiveness to my needs, Your acknowledgement of the fact that i excited You, and Your showing me every day what i meant to You, in no way lessened Your Dominance in my eyes, but only enhanced it. You never stopped being who You are at any time during my stay, and at all times You were the one in control. . You treated me with more respect in three days than any other "Dominant" has since i have been a sub. You honored me with the gift of Your knowledge, and experience, and for that i will be forever grateful.

Your babygirl petal

Sometimes it really amazes me the so very sad people on this site. Many cannot seem to stand it when someone else is happy. They tend to want to do nothing but hurt others and make their lives miserable.

So glad there are those that are NOTHING like that.

Things are going well with that special Someone i have been speaking to. Thinking things may grow even deeper between us, and i cannot wait to see where it goes.

petal

Today was a wonderfully significant day in my life.

Everyday from this day forward will be a mystical journey, of adventure, learning, and growth, that i look foward to experiencing with passion, humility, and a deep abiding desire.

i have goals i will work toward, and expectations i will accomplish.  

i will take pride in all i do, as well as all i learn.

my growth in knowledge and experience will expand, each and every day.

i will strive to please.

my servitude will be an honor.

my submission will be a gift, given freely.

<smiles>

Sometimes...special days can be made even more special in some amazing ways.

petal

Let's see, it's been awhile since i've written anything here in CM. So here goes.

i have recently begun speaking with Someone. i'm excited to learn more about Him, and see where this may lead. It will be a slow journey no matter where it goes, as i am finished rushing into things with Anyone. Yet i can already see the potential for this to go farther than any other BDSM relationship i've ever had.

petal

Sometimes, after time passes, certain things cannot go back to the way they were before. i am no longer owned by Sir. I wish Him nothing but the best of luck in His search to find what He seeks, it is just unfortunate for us both that it was not meant to be. 

Perhaps in time i will again seek another, but at this time i seek nothing more than friendship.

petal

i find myself in a state of painful limbo. No moving foward, no going back.

NOT KNOWING.

Thinks that hurt can be a double edged sword, when wielded without thought.

petal

SIGHS DEEPLY!!!

petal

Waiting, time moving by, and my life standing still.

Patience is a virtue, only if you can stand to keep it alive inside of yourself.

Only He can determine, the course of my path.

Which road shall it be?

petal

Still confused, and unsure, but still feels better none the less.

petal

Self chastisment hurts more than any other form of punishment one may recieve.

petal

When one makes a mistake, one hopes that forgiveness is not too much to ask for.

petal

Yesterday was a very special day and it was a lot of fun. The only down side, one and a half bottles of wine, and three glasses of champagne is a bit much....UGHS....specially when i don't normally drink more than one to two glasses in an entire month or longer.

On the bright side...was a great day with family...the dinner was superb, the laughter was contagious, and the purpose behind the night was amazing. What a way to culminate 25 fantastic years.

petal

UGH!! i feel so cruddy. Only bright spot of the entire day was talking to Sir.

petal

Update about my life for anyone interested.

My immediate family is fine, and healthy. Finances are not what they could be, and it's a struggle, but we are together and healthy and that is what matters most. Love them all with all that i am.

My sisters and i are having issues, due to the two of them thinking i am their punching bag, and my refusing to take their crud anymore. Maybe one day they'll mature enough to understand what i've been saying all along. Who knows.

My extended family is not doing so well. Hubby's cousin passed last week, and now my uncle is in the hospital, not expected to be here much longer. Not sure i'm ready for another loss.

Things with Sir and i are fantastic. We just seem to keep getting closer and closer. Our relationship is unlike any other D/s relationship i've been in. Thank You Sir.

For now that's all there is.

petal

Someone told me i needed to read this really funny profile, and all i have to say is.......
ROFLMAO!!!!! OMG, WAY TO FUNNY....LOL... HOLDS MY SIDE AS I LAUGH SO HARD I CAN'T SEE STRAIGHT....WOW...
SOMETIMES, PEOPLE ARE JUST TOO FUNNY...GEEZ...WHAT A GREAT WAY TO COME BACK ONLINE....THAT WAS FANTASTIC...I SO NEEDED THAT...Thank you to the one who told me i needed to take a peek...lol.

Got to say it's pretty pitiful when my Sir and i meet and the first 8 minutes of our valuable time together were wasted being spent talking about a nuisance.

Well after we realized what we had done, we stopped and continued with our meeting in a much more intense fashion. We also agreed to never allow this nuisance to come into our conversations when we were together ever again, and believe me that won't be too hard, considering i can imagine many other things i'd rather His lips be doing than mentioning the nuisance.

His kisses are to die for and His hands, are so strong. Mmmmm's. He even proved to me just how much i excite Him, and told me He wanted there to be no doubt that i turn Him on. Well believe me there is no doubt. i know i do, as He does me.

i'm just grateful though that it's not all just about the physical. There is so much more to our relationship than that, and i'm so happy for that to be the case.

Can't wait for our next meeting. i'm sure the next one will be a lot more intense than this one was, and this one was pretty intense in it's very own way....shivers at the thought.

petal

OK, two more FYI's.

First FYI: Wine Country is not just Napa, and Sonoma. It is also, Rutherford, St. Helena, Calistoga, Santa Rosa, Petaluma, Clearlake, and about a half dozen other places. Wine is being made all over Northern California now. So try not to assume something you obviously know nothing about.

Second FYI: There is no need for a CM profile in order for me to talk to Someone. There are several other ways for me to do that. First, there's other forms of messengers to use. Second, there are phones, with internet access, text, and actual phone calls. Third, i can meet that same Someone in person and actually touch Him. What a concept.

Really you need to get your own life, and stop being so pathetic that you have to live through mine. Asking all the men on my profile to talk to you. Really sad, i mean seriously.

petal

An entire night spent in a NICU waiting room, hoping to hear good news but not hearing anything really sucks. Specially when it's whether or not someone is going to end up paralyzed or not, having surgery or not, and when you have no idea what will happen at all.

Exhaustion, is not even close to how i feel...so tired i can't even sleep.

petal

i spoke with DarkDsire Sir and am moving on and letting go.

petal

This morning was great, i enjoyed it immensely, and look foward to the next time i get another morning like this one.

<smiles softly in memory....moans>

petal

Not really looking forward to tomorrow. I thought after a year I'd be able to handle this day arriving a little easier, but it doesn't seem to be the case.

petal

This was written by my son for my Grandmother, his Great-grandmother. He wrote this from his memory of her and how he felt about her and her habit of making banana pudding just for him when he'd come to visit.

Where is all the Nana Pudding?

Where has it gone?
I don't see it
I don't taste it
And it was made with care
Oh and it was the best.

It was so sweet
And so creamy
Nill wafers everywhere
The bananas always fresh
We all have tasted it
We all love it
And we all love the person who made it.

Oh where did she go?
She was the nicest person ever
She was a mother and a grandmother
She always had a smile
And she made the best nana pudding ever.

She was funny
She always had stories
She loved word searches and she loved puzzles
And she loved her hunka hunka burning love Elvis
But most of all she loved her family.

But where did the love go?
It never left
It's still in our pictures,
In our memories,
In our hearts,
And in the nana pudding.

Dedicated to Nanny
by my son her great grandson.